justtogetthisout

[justtogetthisout]

1

Gonna try and write every day.

Things are going ok. I wish I hadn’t invited jameson to new years, and that i just crashed at dylan’s then went home in the morn. Feelings of shame and embarrassment. I really do not like jameson as a partner, and never want to bring him around my people again. Of course, that makes me wonder how it’s going to end between us. And my hope is that it evolves into a thing that only happens once in a while.

Gonna try and create even if it sucks. Gotta move forward, gotta persevere. Gotta shoot my shot. Wanna spend less time on my phone and watching netflix and more time creating, writing, reading, learning, or looking for ways to better myself.

Didn’t go to the gym today because i knew it’d be packed and i had been working out on a daily streak so I deserve a break.

Some things I was working on today: researching cerificate programs and volunteer opportunities for clinical hours. “Songwriting.” I wanna look up more certificate programs and see if there’s anything that can could be a good fit and give me what i want. I want to start a small tutoring gig/business to make decent cash.

Wanna get more into beauty this year. take risks: wigs, contacts, sewing. Gotta have the patience for sewing. I have zero.

Also need to make check up appointments for dentists, doctor’s office, clean car, address “maintenance” light, credit card shit, returning shit. I’ll get it done.

[justtogetthisout]

hp bd

i climaxed to the thought of you tonight.

In 34 mins, you’ll be 24. Crazy. I bet you’re staying up late tonight contemplating your existence and having a mild existential crisis - an annual tradition.

I been thinking about what a fucking bitch i was to you.... even when we were together. I’m sorry. Feeling generous tonight. Idk if you ever come here, but my secret-diary-thatonlyyouknewabout-sinceiwasateenager is as far as i’ll go. I won’t disturb you. I’m sure you’re happily celebrating with your family and girlfriend.

But wow i been daydreaming about reconnecting and melting into each other again. Only in the good way, this time. This time i don’t lose myself. This time i have forgiven you for real. This time i have forgiven myself.

But of course you and I know that isn’t a good idea. Even if you did reach out. I can’t see myself not hating myself right now. And i don’t want you to see that anymore.

Anyway - first day of summer, my golden Sunkissed summer solstice god with eyes of jade, into the universe: happy 24th.

[justtogetthisout]

6/09

I never write when i’m okay. which is fine... i mean i guess it’s ideal that whenever i’m in the lowest in the low i find solace in writing. but still. i don’t wanna look back at this and think that my life was just full of misery, cause it’s not. 

I studied hard yesterday so i gave myself today to take off. tomorrow i’ll get back to grinding as hard as i can. i’m excited for this class to be over so that i can pursue things that aren’t necessarily academic. a break is much needed. so is money. and recreation. 

currently enjoying some cabrenet since i finished my antibiotics yesterday and i deserve it. today i went to the gym and had a good, hard workout. i love sweating. 

i also landed that fitness instructor job! Now i’m praying to get that childcare job at the DV shelter. i’m so nervous. i really hope they hire me. fingers crossed crossed crossed. 

alright.... i’m gonna get back to relaxing before tomorrow. 

[justtogetthisout]

6/06

wow, this imposter syndrome is hitting bad. 

is it PMS again? I can feel my anxiety peaking, and the depression coming. I’m not due for another six days. On the day of my final. Greaaat. 

Fuck everything and everyone. I’m so disappointed in myself for not getting A’s. I feel like I busted my ass and scraped by. And my student loan payments are staring me in the face. and my fucking dad makes me feel awful every day for having them pay for my education after college. 

so i’ve decided that after this, instead of biochem, i’m just gonna work so I can earn and pay off a good chunk of my loans, and also save to pay for more classes myself. i know it’s a lot of money but if all goes well, i’ll have three jobs by this time next week and can start putting money away, instead of watching my bills sink my savings every month. 

but i feel like a failure. i know I need to retake orgo and get A’s at a different institution, since apparently I did too well to retake it and delete. 

my dad makes me feel bad about everything. he makes me feel bad about existing. i want to save up, move the fuck out. i want to be far away from him. 

i just don’t want to be without my mom. is that childish? I don’t care. i have serious family trauma and she’s the only one who ever made me feel like I belong. she’s the only one who has ever made me feel like i was enough. 

But i want to move out. I want it so bad... and I don’t think it’s illogical to NOT want to acquire more debt by doing a post-bacc program and applying. i don’t feel ready. if i’m going to spend ten grand applying to medical school, i want to put my best motherfucking foot forward. and i’m not there yet. and if adcoms question why I took so much time off between undergrad and applying, i’ll tell them just that. 

i still want to be a doctor. i still want that. but i also feel like i want to live first. so many people have told me that they wished they had taken time off to grow and learn before taking on the whale of responsibility that is medical school.

god, i just want to cry all the time, though. 

[justtogetthisout]

A sign of how I know I’m maturing: hard cringe at the stuff I used to say to you lmao. still meant every word, like i’m allowing myself to have been young, stupid, and in love. but, i don’t know. 

i asked my mom about you today and told her that you were always scared that my parents didn’t like you. and she was like, “I didn’t dislike Nicholas, I mean you were clearly madly in love with each other, but he broke your heart. On several occasions. And if he does it again...” You get it. 

I guess it’s a sign. but it’s punkrock to control your destiny, ya know? not saying that i’m gonna try to get back together with you and force myself into your life. that would be really uncool, even though i had a selfish pull last week and called you. i’m a hypocrite. 

but - i often daydream about us in a healthy, adult, relationship and it warms me. i freaked out over so much back then. all the drama i created from pent-up aggression that i hadn’t dealt with from not having forgiven you completely before falling back into love with you. i’m sorry i freaked out so much back then. because you clearly loved me with everything you had. 

anyway. who doesn’t love a hard, pathetic, love-pour for your ex at 1:30am? fucking topical. 

i’m trying hard to get to my future. it feels like there are cinderblocks on my feet. i wanna level-up. i’m sorry that i was a cinderblock tying you to your past when you so clearly were trying to get better.. 

anyway.

[justtogetthisout]

A poem/lyrics possibly - to quinn

Hey, I miss you here i miss your energy, i miss your laugh,  The way we connect  It isn’t half of what you do for him  I can’t even begin  but I miss you so  and you don’t know  and you don’t see what you do for me what you could be without that garbage man holding you back  you know you a snack you know his attack  on you made me feel crazy as hell. 

Do you think of me?  do you drink to me?  Do you sit around reminiscing, sing to me?  Because I miss you, sister, Wanna tell you your mister ain’t shit. Wanna tell you I kissed her  Need some mouthwash. Listerine.

You know what I mean.  You know how I seem.  You know how I lean  You know how I dream

I hope you’re okay Can’t text you, I pray Even though I’m not religious  But i pray for forgiveness

even though you were the bitch and i figured out the sitch you was lying, hoe, some shit but instead of make a list  I write this for you  my heart cries for you my heart dies for you  make it out alive, please do leave him behind, come home doors open, whether you know no lock, no key,  just you safe with me. 

[justtogetthisout]

5/16

What is wrong with me. I definitely think now i might have either major depression or high-functioning depression. either way, it’s depression. 

i can’t focus, feel fatigued all the time, feel fucking empty all the time, and want to cry all the time. I don’t have the motivation to do anything that I have to do. Even exercise doesn’t give me endorphins like it should. 

is that why I called zuko tonight? I keep replaying our 5-minute conversation in my head. i keep thinking about how cold you sounded. not angry, but indifferent. in an almost hostile way. we can’t do this. you said. i’m happy. 

I wish i could have told you then and there, I’m not. you said you hoped that i was doing well in my life and that you missed me and thought of me and that it was good to hear my voice, in response to me telling you all those things. i guess that’s nice. that you didn’t flat out deny it or anything. that would have stung more i suppose.

i feel like a shell of a person. aimless. empty. hollow. a pretty face with nothing on the inside. where has my passion gone? my drive? my ambition? my focus that i worked so fucking hard to attain? 

it hit me last week. I thought maybe it was just because of the time of year but... now i don’t know. is it PMS? i did start two days ago. it would explain a lot. but PMS usually doesn’t hit me this bad.

when i interact with people in public, i feel like i’m wearing a mask. but that’s what we all do, isn’t it? disclosing your depression to someone that you’re not close to is so personal and weird. but acting happy and outgoing around people feels even... less genuine now. it isn’t until i’m alone that it fucking hits me. 

i don’t know why i called you tonight. cept that i miss you, i love you, and i don’t care that you have a girlfriend. when you mentioned that you didn’t wanna talk to me because you would “get into it with your girlfriend” i didn’t care. that didn’t sting. it didn’t phase me. just a new piece of information. 

I’m happy, you said. that stung. i don’t know what you think of me these days, but when you said that... i don’t know. your tone, that hurt. you always did know just how to gut me. 

but you said my name. Rahael. i always loved the way it sounded in your mouth. i sifted through your guard, your defensive tone, listening for tiny comforting nuances. 

i missed you. 

[justtogetthisout]

Alright alright alright

I applied to a bunch of bartender/cocktail waitress jobs bc i need to make a lot of money wivout working long hours and my pretty face and conversation skills should make me a decent amt of tips

This is per the advice of amanda and my mom. Ugh. I didn’t want to bc tbh i felt bartending was beneath me and i don’t drink hard liquor.

But i have loans. On loans. And i wanna be able to make a decent amount and SAVE without freaking out.

Okay okay okay. Gonna take my shot at writing an article for scarleteen too. Just gotta put this shit out into the universe and see what comes back.

[justtogetthisout]

Oh my goddddd I want sex

I’m horny as shit

I need to get railed

I need to get plowed, nailed, impaled

[justtogetthisout]

04-01-19

Things I did today to start off this new month on the right foot: 

- went for a run this morning  - had a healthful breakfast of oats and 1/2 banana  - got my ducks in a row to enroll this week  - found out about retaking stuff - bought my ochem supplies before class - went to my first 51C class! - ate lunch at home saving a shit ton of money (vegan tacos!) - reviewed today’s lecture notes and practiced mechanisms (a first!) 

Yesss

[justtogetthisout]

03-17-19

Today’s your birthday.

I remember marking my calendar months in advance and drawing a lil balloon. We were gonna plan your party together and it was gonna be bomb. I remember thinking, though, I hope nothing happens between us until then. 

And i know it was my choice to leave. But I couldn’t stay and I already addressed that. I had so many things planned for you. Woulda bought you your fave candies, those green drinks you like, face masks, some disney shit. Maybe premier tickets to see Aladdin. You love that shit. 

You know I’m an awesome gift-giver. and partier. Remember your 21st? It was dead af before i came lmao. Multiple times throughout the night you commented on how i was the one who turned it the fuck up, when the venue was full of people having a good time with good music. I wish i could have done that for you again this year. 

I hope he’s spoiling the shit out of you today, but it’s a double-edged sword. You deserve nice things, especially from your significant other, even if he is trash. He’s a terrible gift-giver. and he hates going out. all he wants to do is smoke weed all day and hang out with his loser boss. I hope he did something nice for you today. But at the same time, knowing him, he probably did the bare minimum. 

Still bitter. But mostly sad. Tomorrow is my final and i couldn’t have spent tonight with you if i wanted to. But i thought about you all day today, especially when my mom posted happy birthday on your facebook. 

I miss you. I hope you’re well. Loving you is like loving an addict. It’s painful to keep you away from me. To keep myself away from you.

[justtogetthisout]

03-12-19

I think my anxiety is getting the best of me, again.

IDK, maybe it’s because i wasted time tonight hooked on learning details of the R Kelly fiasco and it triggered me, instead of studying

but also, i been thinking about my mom leaving to italy this fall. I don’t want her to go, but i want her to go, y’know?

Being alone in this house depresses the shit out of me. She is the light, the warmth, the songbird in our home. I hate being away from her. And i always try to analyze my attachment to her.

sometimes i feel like as a child growing up in a world of depressed adults, i was expected to act older than i actually was because the only peers who were my age were the other kids at school. and even there, i often felt (and still do feel) like an outsider. a nobody. and my entire life i’ve felt like i’ve been trying to spin that to make it work for me: the underdog. the individual. and while i’m good at that, i long for true, unhindered, honest connection. 

mary was the only adult in my life who let me truly be a kid. who indulged me. who supported, and continues to support, me in everything and anything i wanted to do. she always thought i was a winner. she always thought i would be successful and go far in life. and she always made me feel like i belonged. she’s my rock. college was so difficult in that I had to be away from her while going through the stress of academia and drama. calling her up and talking to her is not the same as her holding me while i cry or hugging me for however long i need. 

i don’t know why i’ve always felt alone. isolated. singular. and it’s not a relationship thing. i don’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I want to not feel so fucking alone all the time. constantly. no matter where i am or who i’m with. my “fuck it, and fuck them” attitude is sincere but also hard to hold up. i don’t want external validation from other people. i want internal validation. 

i think maybe since getting fired i haven’t given myself internal validation. i constantly feel like i squandered the opportunity. even though i’m pretty sure it was because dr. p didn’t want to endorse someone with my politics and my identity. but that’s fine, i guess. still stings though. 

sometimes i compare my maturity to someone like daniel’s. he says he loves hanging out with me but that i amuse him because i’m amused by the littlest things that he could never think of. but honestly, i feel like i view the world the same as i always have. truthfully, my views on people, sexuality, all that stuff, haven’t really changed. i mean yeah i stopped slut-shaming people and judging really hard. but ultimately my principles have remained consistent. 

but i also think that means sometimes, most times, i think like a child. noticing little things about the world, and having an active imagination was part of the way that i coped with loneliness as a child. i never had an imaginary friend, per se, but i always loved playing pretend. i loved my friends to death and when they hurt me it always sliced right through me, the way it does now. 

i miss quinn. i loved our friendship. i miss the way we used to get breakfast the morning after parties, how she knew how to make the perfect vodka cranberry for me. how we used to laugh about the ridiculousness of the situations we were in, how we would text almost every day, how sometimes she would just come over and i would cook us dinner. i miss reading our horoscopes and talking about our sixth senses. i miss watching the 90s sabrina together. laughing about stupid boys and debriefing after kickbacks. i miss planning out the plot of Qute, going on walks, trying new things, going to new places, new restaurants. and how she always split her BOGO coupons with me. doing homework at starbucks, and how she always knew my order. how she took the day off from work on my birthday to spend the whole day with me, and when i told her my dad hadn’t even wished me a happy birthday, she called up her dad and had him sing to me.

i miss my best friend. one of the last conversations we had, i remember, before she went on that florida trip. she came over and we were smoking on my porch, and i remember her saying, “It’s so easy with you. We just vibe so well together.” girl, i know. i mean, she did shit that pissed me the fuck off. but i loved her. she was probably the closest thing i’ve ever had to a sister.

but i can’t save her. i severed our bond because of that. i couldn’t deal with her lying to me, and i couldn’t deal with facing the reality of her poor judgment concerning that man. i know there’s that saying, it’s essential to let go of people who insist on drowning. i would have let her pull me under. i felt like i kind of did last year. but i can’t save her, and that’s all i want to do. if i had my way, i would take her far, far away from that guy. but i can’t. so i left. and this is my penance.

i think about her every day. “Pray” for her, just to cover my bases. there’s so much going on right now, but at the same time, not much. and i hate myself for that. i guess i should pray for myself. 

[justtogetthisout]

2019 Resolutions

Create more art (painting, sculpting, drawing, calligraphy)

Write more (journaling, poetry)

Meditate

More yoga, running

Create more music 

Be fucking BRAVE when it comes to showcasing my art

Read more (self-help books, biographies, non-fiction, fiction)

Learn more sign-language & other languages 

Save as much $$ as I can

Make as much $$ as I can

Keep things cleaner

Take better care of my skin/hair/nails

Take more photos of my loved ones and myself

Sew more, get more into fashion (clean out my closet)

Be more organized in my schoolwork, etc. 

Pay more attention to my dog 

Be nicer to my parents

Volunteer more

Okay thassalot but idc lmao.

[justtogetthisout]

dear yoté

i think the reason i was so sprung on you was because there was a dark, perverted part of me that wanted to try that shit and you held my hand and jumped in with me. you, of course, were experienced in all of it. and i had yet to find someone my age who knew how to do it right. you were good at consent, good at aftercare. you were cocky and kinda romantic but weird too. what we did was so shocking and exciting to me... so new, so crazy, and such an aphrodisiac. 

you are absolutely right to monetize it but i’ll never pay to have sex with you. as much as i think prostitution should be legal i cannot do it and be fine with it. plus, like i said, sex isn’t in the budget. i’m wondering why, if the enjoyment was as mutual as you said it was, you want to make me pay for it now. i thought maybe we could just be friends with benefits. less friends, more benefits. i didn’t want anything emotional with you, just liked how safe you were to try out taboos that no one talks about. but damn, it was so good, i understand why. 

i hope one day you hit me up again. 

[justtogetthisout]

3 days until exam

and i’m tipsy on merlot. 

i studied 6.5 hours today. i deserve this. i’ve been good all damn week. 

i’ve been thinking that i do want to become a doula. just for my own pleasure. i want to help pregnant women in the united states, specifically underprivileged women. i’m willing to pay for it myself... but i want this. i want it.

i’ve been chasing more things that i want lately and it feels good. is it bad i love being self-centered? eliminating everything that doesn’t fit in my life exactly as i want it! it feels... cleansing. is that a word? Idk. 

i worked hard today. i did everything i was supposed to do. and now i’m giving myself a lil break. sharpening the saw. recharging. self-care. 

been watching scandal to get some inspiration from olivia pope. i fucking got this.

[justtogetthisout]

4 days until exam

and day 6 of my T-break.

I feel like i’ve roughly covered everything I need to cover, to the point where none of the material is unfamiliar to me. I just need to reinforce how to approach every kind of problem. and that means doing a shit-ton of practice problems.

I’ve been working my ass off this past week. Trying to go the extra mile. Today i didn’t really do that. I woke up, went to work, came back, ate lunch, took a goddamn nap because I’ve been exerting myself all week. When i woke up i made dinner, cleaned my entire room, and put on netflix. I’m gonna wash my face etc after i write this. it’s hard because i feel guilty every moment i’m not studying, but honestly, i needed to care for my living space and my body. My environment needed some TLC, cause god knows that when i’m grinding i get neglectful. my life has just been school, work, school, work. Tomorrow i’m gonna vacuum and laundry. oh shit, i also need to buy a gift for dyl’s secret santa.

But tomorrow I have allllll dayyyyy off, and I’m gonna wake up early, go for a run prob, have breakfast, then sit down and study my fucking ass off. 

It’s funny. I never thought that taking a T-break would be this easy. Why did I think it would be hard? This gives me confidence in my ability to quit any time i want to, because I know at some point for medical school I’m gonna need to drug test. that’ll suck. but worth it. 

the only time it’s difficult is when my dad makes me upset, or when i’m trippin over something. or when it’s late and i’m not particularly tired enough to go to sleep, like tonight (prob cause i napped tbh damn lol.) i was really tempted to tonight but i’m not gonna. tryna get into the habit of keeping the commitments i make to myself. i said i was gonna be sober from drugs, alcohol, sex, and my social life until after my final. and i’m sticking to it. brain first. smarts first. future first.

i’m so anxious about this exam that i’m having stress dreams about it. the other night i dreamt that quinn invited me to hang out and party w her neighbors and, even though i knew i had to study, i went out with her anyway. but in the dream i couldn’t really enjoy myself because i had that guilty feeling in my stomach since i broke my promise to myself, and wasn’t being responsible and studying. i woke up and breathed a huge sigh of relief. thank god it was just a dream. hopefully my run tomorrow will lower my cortisone levels a bit and help my focus more.

gonna make a schedule of what i’ll do tomorrow in my journal. 

[justtogetthisout]

8 days til exam

alright Rahael. Pep talk time.

This time next week you’ll be stressing over your organic chemistry final. You’ll be thinking back to all free time you had and how you should have spent it studying. You’ll be anxious, and nervous, the way you always get around finals. But you’ve got to bring your A game.

Your grade in this class has the power to bring up your cGPA and science GPA. That means it will make you a more competative applicant. It will prove to medical schools that you can handle rigorous science. It will prove to your parents (well, to dad. Reinforce to mom) that you are capable and on your way to achieving your dreams. It will prove to yourself that you can fucking do this.

It’s good that you are taking a T-break. And an M-break (masturbation break) even though that’s more involuntary (i don’t feel sexy when i’m stressed out.) It’s great that you’ve placed yourself on house arrest and refuse to be social except when you have to for work. These are all things that are gonna help you focus for the upcoming week. But you’ve gotta put in the work.

Eye on the ball. Remember why you’re doing this. You wanna be a science bitch? You’re gonna have to work for it. You wanna do what Laura Lacquer does? You wanna be like Dr. P? You gotta grind. This is a weeder class. It will filter out the people who don’t have the guts to give it their all. Who don’t have the ambition, drive, competativeness for med school. And you, Rahael, are abso-fucking-lutely not one of those people.

So. Pedal to the metal. Give it your all. Work harder than you ever have before. You have all day Wednesday, Thursday evening, Friday evening, Saturday evening, all day Sunday, all afternoon/evening Monday, and Tuesday evening. Seems like a lot; you know it’s not. But you can do it. Mom knows you can do it. Quinn knows you can do it. And you know you can do it; that’s the most important part.

Head down - let’s go.