justsomemodernpenpals

[justsomemodernpenpals]

This project already failed and succeeded

I’m as surprised as anyone reading this post. I thought I’d be doing this project for a year, then maybe putting it in my portfolio. Deep inside, I figured I’d probably chat with a dozen or so people on Cameo, and that maybe (if I was lucky) I would actually make a distant casual friend. Someone that if I went to their comedy show/bumped into them at a restaurant or bar, we could chat for a bit in a pleasant but sincere manner. The way you talk to a coworker you liked at your job five years ago. It felt modest in it’s ambition and easy to pursue.

At first I wrote to Dave Holmes, thinking there was plenty I could ask him about, and that he felt approachable enough. But he didn’t reply, so I wrote the pre-planned “break-glass-in-case-of-failure” essay about how he really missed out on an awesome friend, but that the offer was a standing one. It still is, Dave.

Then I chatted with comedian Rhea Butcher a few times. They were very down to chat, but I understood how limiting the one-way communication on Cameo is. They weren’t really getting the benefit of seeing my genuinely friendly intent, just reading 250 characters of “request.” Once I started to sense that Rhea was maintaining a level of skepticism, it made me feel...weird? Like I was not adding any value to their life beyond the $35. And I wasn’t! But maybe I was unwilling to admit that at the time. So I just wrote the “it’s not you, Rhea, it’s me” essay and moved on to the next person of interest.

Then I started chatting with Chris Gethard. Chris was someone who I had long admired for his depth and sensitivity on his tremendously thoughtful podcast Beautiful/Anonymous. In our initial exchange I learned that he grew up 15 minutes away in from my own NJ hometown. On further exchanges, I learned more and more about Chris. That he was leaving comedy in a few months. That he had a son. That he had had bad experiences with people who went to my high school.

Finally, Chris was kind enough to let me contact him personally through a secure channel. I told him about this project, expecting that he would be supportive (as the intent is definitely inspired by his podcast Beautiful/Anon). But he was bummed out, like we had actually begun to form a loose and distant but very real friendship under false pretenses.

This is why I succeeded. I made some kind of emotional connection over Cameo, a platform centered around one-way-communication against all odds.

This is why I failed. I have already ruined that connection.

So with a heavy heart, I’m already going to stop this project. I do not regret trying, but I do regret the collateral damage caused by trying.

Maybe this is a larger lesson. I’m never going to stop making mistakes. I’m never going to stop causing pain in other people, as much as it is my intention to stop and never let it happen ever again. My curiosity is not as gentle as the other parts of my personality. I am often at odds with myself.

The positive I am choosing to take away from this is that there are definitely people I already know who are friends of mine. They’re not famous comedians, or TV personalities. But they are talented. Loving. Patient. Forgiving. Supportive. They deserve my full attention and focus.

Amy. Stevie. David.

Julia (all the Julias, actually).

Nathan. Meredith.

Mindy. Tim.

Jeff.

My really wonderful coworkers, who are more friends than coworker at this point.

My sisters.

My parents.

And many more names than I can fit in this essay without making it unreadable.

Thank you for reading, and in the words of Andrew Gold, “Thank you for being a friend.”

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #3.5: LET’S TALK ABOUT MY HIGH SCHOOL. AND SANDOS.

NOTE: Not sure why the thumbnail is me looking like an idiot. But maybe I was thinking about Taylor Ham Egg and Cheese breakfast sandwiches, which when it happens consumes my entire focus. Also, because I couldn’t mention in this message, thank you for sharing all the visions of optimism for the future. You’re a generous person to be willing to be so open to someone who is practically a stranger.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #3.4: OH, YOU’RE FROM WAYNE?!

NOTE: I definitely laughed at how many of my local haunts Chris rattled off right away. That Sports Authority sold me many a pair of $30-40 shitty soccer cleats.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #3.3: HI NEW FRIEND, ARE WE FUCKED?

NOTE: I know I dove in with the serious stuff, but I promise the next one will focus on asking Chris what he thinks about Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandos.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #3.2: YOU’RE ALREADY ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, CHRIS

NOTE: So that was an incredible response. I was not expecting something so heartfelt and sincerely thought out from this project, but maybe I should have with Chris. His podcast was/is such an important window for me into the humanity of other people. Excited to see where the conversation goes!

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #3.1: LET’S TALK ABOUT FRIENDS, BABY

NOTE: I’m reaching out to Chris Gethard, the host of one of the most beautiful podcasts around: Beautiful/Anonymous. Also, I loved Chris’ performances on Broad City and in Don’t Think Twice. I FORGOT to mention that he’s from two towns over from me in NJ. NEXT TIME.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

Dear Rhea,

I want to start by saying how thankful I am that amidst all of this isolation, you were always there for me. I will never forget that and truly appreciate it. But I just think we want different things out of this friendship. Why don’t we ever do the things I want to do? And why don’t you ever ask me about my hobbies?

I think you are a cool, talented, funny, kind person. But I need more in a friendship. If I ever get the chance to see you perform live, you know I’m going to be there in the front row, laughing at your jokes. Until then, be safe and be well.

Schuyler

PS: The real reason is that it feels like I’ve taken you hostage, and I don’t want to repeatedly badger anyone for the sake of this project.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2.5: WHO DID YOU LOOK UP TO?

NOTE: Trying to figure out if Rhea would prefer I stop pestering her with this. They’ve been incredibly kind in how they’ve humored me to date, but the point of the project definitely isn’t annoying someone into friendship. I have just got to figure out how to handle, since, like most of my projects, this was not totally thought through.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2.4: WHO DID YOU LOOK UP TO?

NOTE: This is probably a good point to use Spidey senses and guess whether my pen pal is humoring me or actually enjoying the back and forth.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2.3: YOU ARE REALLY COMMITTING TO THIS THING

NOTE: Yeah, I am committing. Definitely will stop pestering Rhea if it appears they’re getting weirded out. But until then, we’re seeing a friendship blossom in real time.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2.2: WHATCHA WATCHIN?

NOTE: I can’t help how insane I look in these videos. It’s just the way it is.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2.1: SKATEBOARD ON THE GRASS

NOTE: Rhea responds to my first note! Could this be a new pal? Stay tuned and find out.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #2: COMEDIAN RHEA BUTCHER

NOTE: I got to see Rhea perform in NYC/Brooklyn when I was living there. I think they’re hilarious and would be one of the coolest friends someone could have. Here goes nothing!

[justsomemodernpenpals]

TOTAL (FRIEND) REQUEST LIVE

Dear Dave,

Now that my Cameo request has lapsed, I get the hint. You’re not quite comfortable becoming friends with a random dude on the internet. I don’t blame you, as this was a weird project concept to begin with.

But just in case you ever stumble upon this site, I wanted to try and change your mind.

Here are the “Top 10 Reasons To Be Schuyler’s Friend”

1) I’m one of the good ones. I think MTV should be more music and less Teen Wolf/Teen Mom/Teen-ager (not a show, I’m just getting old). Imagine all the arguing we could do on who the best bands of all time are. Metallica is number one for me. I’m not one of those people that just assumes its the Beetles.

2) Might it make Matt Pinfield jealous? I can’t imagine that Matt Pinfield calls you when you’re having a rough day to lift your spirits. That is well within my powers.

3) I would write music for you. They wouldn’t be as good as say an LFO or a Sisqo, but they would be written and performed from the heart. I also do this hilarious version of Paula Cole “I Don’t Wanna Wait” where I sound like Miss Piggy.

4) We could play video games online! Yeah, the world is pretty Covid-y, hence my need to do this project...but wouldn’t it be cool if we could play some games online? Another thing that Matt Pinfield probably refuses to do. You pick the game, I’m there. That’s a friend.

5) I make really good barbacoa. It takes some time, but it is magical.

6) I’m really awful at dating, so as a friend you’re unlikely to get ditched once the latest relationship heats up. That’s right, I’m exactly the correct level of needy and reliable.

7) A few minutes ago I admitted that I listened to LFO and Sisqo. How many people would be THAT honest with you so soon? Gotta think vulnerability is a positive, right?

8) I’m a creative guy! Look at this project! Why would someone do this?! If you ever wanted to create something cool, you’d have a buddy who is a hell of a creative ally with a real “yes, and” perspective. We could make things!

9) Doesn’t it count just a TINY bit that I wrote this whole essay out for you on the off chance you want to someday be my friend? I don’t even attach cover letters when I apply for jobs, so this note has got to mean something to you.

10) Because we’re all stuck at home anyway so why not give me a chance?

In conclusion, the offer still stands and I will be waiting with open arms when/if that day does come.

[justsomemodernpenpals]

PEN PAL #1: MTV’S DAVE HOLMES

NOTE: Holy fuck that video is so huge. Sorry to anyone who fell out of their chair because of my giant face.