justkendalhere

[justkendalhere]

The reason im so busy, And i love it 😍

[justkendalhere]

breastfeeding blues

I was going to post more of Dexter’s birth story but i decided to postpone that for another night and discuss my current trials and tribulations with breastfeeding and being a first time mother.  NOW, before I had Dexter, there was not a doubt in my mind that i wanted to breastfeed, and only breastfeed. My mother had told me stories about how she constantly had an oversupply and was very capable of feeding my brother and i  both exclusively from the breast. I never even imagined I would have a single problem providing for my child with my own body. I had always heard that breastfeeding was hard, but I had always assumed it would be something that would come naturally. I had assumed it was just in my genetics, how wrong I was.

The first month of breastfeeding went great! I was chock full of milk and was feeding on demand and leaking like crazy in between. No problems. After going to the doctors for Dexter’s 2 month shots, the doctor commented that Dex was on the small side for weight, but measured up in all other respects. He suggested that i start supplementing with formula if the breast milk wasn’t enough.  I felt my heart drop into my feet. WHAT!? i’m not feeding my son enough? even though i was feeding hourly some days! WOW, it hurt me in a weird way. It was something i knew i couldn’t help, I was doing everything I could possibly do, i had no idea i wasn’t providing enough for Dex. He never seemed overly fussy so I had assumed I was always giving him what he needed. I was also heartbroken at the fact that my plan of being EBF was going down the tubes before my eyes. The doc said i had two weeks to get his weigh up, or else he would strongly have to recommend some sort of formula supplementation. 

I went home so defeated from that doctors appointment. I felt like i was a failure as a mother. I had one job, to breastfeed my baby and make sure he was healthy and growing,, and I was already screwing that up. I made a small 2oz bottle that night after struggling to get Dexter to sleep on the breast alone. I cried and cried and cried as i fed him his first bottle ever. After the bottle he slept soundly, but i felt like I had taken the easy way out. I couldn’t have just tried each breast a few more times? No, I had to give in and just get some rest and try and come out with a better attitude tomorrow.

The next day, after an entire night of feeling guilty and angry, I decided that I couldn’t let this bother me, I cant beat myself up over this. I was doing everything right, I was doing everything i had to do to be sure Dexter was taken care of, I was not a horrible mother. I decided then and there I would take every avenue and get my supply back up before i give up and just switch to formula. Those two weeks were spent pumping, and feeding and pumping and feeding like mad! I went out and bought mothers milk tea and fenugreek and blessed thistle too. I was going to exhaust every resource I had.

I went back to the Doctors with my little D, and we are at 8.6lbs now. He was 6.8lbs at birth, and then he went down to 5.9lbs the first day home, so hes gaining on track with how much weight he should gain, hes just on the small side, a naturally skinny boy like his dad and uncle. Doc was happy, his mama was happy. I still have to go back in another 2 weeks to check his weight again, but I’m confident and feeling more determined than ever to keep it up and not give up on my breastfeeding dreams. I realize now that it is definitely not as easy at it might seem to be an EBF mom, but it hasn’t shaken me one bit. i know that if i keep with it, and dont give up, it will make the world of difference.

[justkendalhere]

the beginning

Finally, I am back! I am back with Dexter birth story, finally. I am still juggling the new responsibilities that come with mommy-hood so I may only get to post SOME of the story, but I will try and dedicate myself to getting his story completed by the end of next week.

It all started on Friday April 17th, my last day of work. I wasn’t feeling well when i woke up for my last day of work, I really didn't think anything of it. I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time (literally hit week 38 that day) and had felt pretty terrible most of the pregnancy. I didn't get morning sickness, I would have ANY time of the day sickness. Particularly it would strike bad early in the morning and late and night. So, as I said, I didn’t think anything of how i felt that morning. i knew it was the last day i was working for the rest of the year so regardless of HOW i felt, i HAD to go in.

When I go to work, the manager had purchased donuts and coffee as a treat for my last day. I couldn’t even look at the goodies without feeling that familiar wave of nausea over me. I decided i better get to work, the sooner i started, the sooner i would be able to go home  and curl up in my cocoon bed and wait for my little babe to hatch.

Not long after i started my shift I started feeling hot, sweaty, and ill. I had to throw up so I went to the bathroom. I puked, VIOLENTLY, all over the toilet and seat, and while i was puking i felt gushing sensation with the force of my vomit. Thinking the worst, as it felt almost like when you experience a period, I assumed i was bleeding. NOPE. But it was another indicator that my little boy was getting ready to make an appearance, the rest of my mucos plug was lost in the force of vomiting. I was a little freaked out, but had read that you could lose your plug weeks before your baby is born. And being two weeks away from my due date, I wasnt worried. No sense worrying for nothing, i always tell myself.

After cleaning up the toilet, and completeing the rest of my shift at work, I slugged my ass home and planted it on the couch for the rest of the evening. I was too tired to even go to bed, at 4am Jarrott woke me up and moved me to the bedroom. I was waking up almost every hour to either pee or switch which side i was lying on, my back was bothering me all night. I didnt think anything of that because it was my upper back that hurt. I had always heard that labor pain is more low down in your back and front, like a period. Clearly I was in early stages of labor but was i had no idea! I kept explaining away my aches and pains.

Around 7am April 18th (only 2 hours after Jarrott FINALLY came to bed, he was working midnights that week) I got up AGAIN to pee. When I sat up in the bed i felt this *POP* inside me. It was a feeling I had never felt before. Once i stood up out of bed this rush of fluid started coming out of me! i reached down with my hands to stop it, not really knowing what else to do. “JARROTT, i think my water broke!” “No way, are you sure you arent just peeing?” “Its a lot, there is no way this is pee, and i cant stop”

I grabbed the nearest towel and put it between my legs and ran for the phone to call my mum. I was so not ready, a wave of panic set in over me. I had nothing ready! i had planned to get everything organized for Dexter in the two weeks between being off work and labor. I had no bag for the hospital, I had no crib set up for him to sleep in and his room was still full of JUNK!  I called my mother as fast as I could, she must have been by the phone cause I don’t even recall hearing it ring. She told me not to panic, to gather up a bag for the hospital and she would be there soon. 

Suddenly I was as calm as I had ever been, all the panic had left. I knew I had to do this. It was time. no matter what way you cut it, this is what these past 9 months had been leading up to. I could do it calm, or I could lose my mind and panic. I was amazed at the calmness that set in over myself through the entire process. I was ready.

-OKAY, I’m going to pause there and finish the rest on another night. This mama needs her rest.

[justkendalhere]

those feels....

[justkendalhere]

George Costanza, you are a God

[justkendalhere]

there aren’t enough hours in the day...

My husband is sleeping, my cat is sleeping, D is fighting sleep hard making it near impossible to get anything done. I have laundry to put away, ‘thankyou’ notes to write, a kitchen sink loaded with dishes, and a house that looks like it was hit by an atomic bomb... I am sure there is a task or two i forgot to mention. Even as I attempt to take two seconds of my day to blog I am getting up every 30 seconds to tend to your wimpers, my little D. As much as I sit back and feel slightly overwhelmed at the amount of stuff just waiting to be completed, I let it go because I’d much rather be sure you are looked after and content than have my house sparkling clean. I suspect you may be weather sensitive like mum, i’m sure your restlessness has to do with the impending showers that are coming this afternoon.

Just as I bring this entry to a close I soon realize you have gotten quiet. You have finally surrendered to sleep. Knowing my chores aren’t going anywhere, I think I will join you, little one.There’s always tomorrow, D, there is always tomorrow...

[justkendalhere]

The kitchen is a fantastic place to witness the everyday beauty of fluid dynamics. Daria Khoroshavina and Olga Kolesnikova capture these delectable cooking-related GIFs on their Buttery Planet Tumblr. From pouring cream to drizzling syrup, there are countless examples of fluids in daily life. Check out their site for more awesome images and be sure to keep your eyes open for great examples of fluid behavior in your day-to-day life. (Image credits: Buttery Planet; via Colossal)

[justkendalhere]

[justkendalhere]

today I am 26 years young

this year i got the best gift ever and it came early :) watching the wee one sleep. want to sleep myself but dont want to sleep away my birthday!

[justkendalhere]

[justkendalhere]

tip of the hat

Today started off rough. D decided to sleep from 11pm-2am, then wanted to be awake from 2am-7am. Hubby went to bed at 2am when Baby D was just getting up for a feed and change. After seeing D close his eyes for the last time and finally surrender to dreamland, I then decided, I myself should be drifting off to sleep too. 11am I am awakened by D crying because I slept an hour too long and he was very wet and very hungry. I rolled over, realized the urgency of having to pee first thing and was fumbling to get his pacifier in to buy myself an extra 5 minutes so I could be afforded the luxury of not peeing myself. I started to express my frustrations in not the most helpful way and Hubby (being he got a proper sleep) was awake already, "I'll deal with it, just go, I hate when you get an attitude like that." My heart shattered. I have tried so hard to be a good mom, good wife and take on an enormous amount of responsibility, and am expected to always have my mood on point? THIS ISNT PLEASANTVILLE, IM CRANKY. I think the part that was most upsetting was that my feelings were not vaildated. I was made to feel as though i was wrong for being frustrated. I love my Hubby, always will, and still do, I just would appreciate a little understanding and sensitivity. I know i bitch and complain a lot at times, but just hearing "its okay" is sometimes all i need to hear. how the morning played out really got me thinking about women, mothers, and giving ourselves credit. I cant feel like a bad mom because i had a morning where i let my sleep deprived state get the better of me. I am really proud of myself. I am a first time mom and i handled pregnancy, labor, delivery, and now im just learning to tackle the challenges of motherhood. Thats a lot! Women are so hard on themselves and we dont give ourselves often the credit where it is due. I think women need to start NOW. My first mothers day made me realize that as a mom, you wont get the credit often from anyone else. A mothers work is selfless. How often does a mother cook super for her family without a simple thankyou? it is because she is expected to do so. I grew up in a household where i often saw my own mother under appreciated by the loves ones she cared for everyday, I WAS ONE OF THE UNGRATEFUL INGRATES! Ladies, from here on out, pat yourselves on the backs, raise your glasses, tip your hats. You do it all because you have to, if you didnt no one else would. You clean, cook, nurse, heal, calm, and care for all those around you without asking for anything in return. You only think of yourselves when everyone else has been cared for. Ladies, you are all beautiful, you are all amazing, and you are allowed to be run down, be angry, and be sad. Its all a part of this magical journey. You done good kid, you done good.

[justkendalhere]

Its snack time with Dexter while daddy has his "boys night" UFC.

[justkendalhere]

my life story

[justkendalhere]

U STOL FIZZY LIFTING DRINK

[justkendalhere]

“girls only wear makeup and dress nice for guys!”

false. 

[justkendalhere]

Dexter Alexander Brooks,

i love you.

[justkendalhere]

motherhood.

I know I promised in my last personal post that I would TRY and post more once on maternity leave, but haven’t realized how busy I would be. I waited so long to do so many important things for the arrival of my son, that I didnt exactly prepare for the possibility of an early arrival. My maternity leave was due to start on the 38th week of my pregnancy, the 18th of April. Sure enough two weeks was enough time to get all my procrastinated plans finished,right?

WRONG!

Baby Dexter had other plans and the morning of the 18th (7:00am to be exact) my water broke as I got out of bed to use the washroom for the 100th time that morning/night. I don’t have time to detail the labor and delivery, but will post Dexters birth story(hopefully) this week.

Either way, I am feeling super blessed. I never imagined I would take to motherhood so quickly, I feel right at home doing the mommy thing. I’m hella proud of myself that I was able to handle pregnancy, labor and delivery. It wasnt that bad, everyone tried so hard to scare me, and i’m like “I WOULD TOTALLY DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!”, every pain,ache, and embarrassing moment was absolutely worth it! haha!

I have to run now, doody calls. haha:)

<3