justhere4research

[justhere4research]

i love my boyfriend. he’s the kindest person ever. i don’t know what i did to deserve his kindness but im so grateful

[justhere4research]

please kill me holy shit it’s monday i should not be this pissed

[justhere4research]

bpd is so odd because why am i in the worst mood of my life and blasting sabrina carpenter

[justhere4research]

ooo bitch the bangsss i’m weak

he’s so pretty damn

[justhere4research]

i feel so bad for amy

[justhere4research]

i love it here

[justhere4research]

i was gonna upload this at midnight because i felt bad posting this on the 30th but your curious so yea

on the main street home i came to terms with the fact the there was a great chance my mother was going to be wasted when i arrived home. we turned off and approached the dark-blue house. I thanked his mother and said my goodbyes, the car door slammed shut. i walked toward the house, on the other side of the fence was a dimly lit doorstep with two neighbors sharing a joint. keys turn the lock of the door and im met by amy and mother in the kitchen. to which i was suprised, i wasnt expecting to see the two talking. my assumptions were confirmed when i saw my mothers drunken smirk. her breathe smelt of alcohol. amy was clearly in distress. explaining house she had just finised cleaning her room, she gestures to the room in which was covered in beer bottles, broken glass, dirt and miscellaneous items tossed about in disarray. clothing hung for the curtains, bookshelves and other various corners, bedding was partically on the floor and crumpled up by the wall. i stood in shook for a moment, my eyes weld up with tears. i ran to amy in a hug, it took her i second to accept. my mother passed me the pipe and continued to slur through her argument. she was giving me looks as though she didnt care about what had happened. she went for a hug and jolt away. she felt this, and forced me into a hug. to which she drunkenly told me she loved me and i saw red. she was voiding Amys issues, and begin to ramble about her problems. i physical shook with anger to which my mom sent me to bed, and i happily complied. i was trying to drown out the sound bickering and distract myself with social media. i faintly heard amy complaining about the state of her room to whic h mother chimed in, "well if it makes you feel better I sweep all day, everyday so..". There she goes again, projecting her problems onto others. Amist the continued bickering I heard my mother say "I love you Amy, but I'm still mad at you." How could you say that. How could you be so ignorant and tone-deaf. Amy just accepted it, my heartbreaks for her. at some point they both went outside and i escaped from my room to steal a couple sips of titos

my mother has been drunkenly screaming and lost her wallet. whatever notm y problem. im keeping my head low and im cooked for my exam tmw.

[justhere4research]

Happy birthday mon cherí !!

you are the light of my life, i hope get everything you strive for. i love you with my whole heart, my full heart and every part of me. I've never been so in love with someone. i love every single thing about you, your smile, your laugh, youre personality, your kindness.

i don't know what i did for fate to lead me to you, but im so glad it did. I love you so much, you are such a beautiful, intelligent, deep person. youre spirit brightens a room and you deserve all the good things that come your way. I wish nothing but the best for you and your future. You have your whole life ahead of you and I can't wait to see the person you become. You are a great soul and the sky is the limit, it can only go uphill from here. you have a great head on your shoulders and you are destined for greatness. I love you and im so proud of how kind and open you are as a person. the world needs more people like you, the world needs your light.

im so proud of the person you are and who you choose to be. in a world of narcissism and hatred you choose to put others first, you choose to be kind. it doesnt go unnoticed, you dont go unnoticed. i adore you and i value every second i get to spend with you. i know you feel some type of way about growing up, but growth is a good thing. this is a good thing. i love you so much a i know whichever path you take in life will be the right choice. you are a very logical and reasonable person, and because of such you will gain success. success in your journeys through life. you are bound to many great opportunies and expriences in your future, i love you so much.

turning this leaf to a new year, happy birthday my love.

1.30.25

[justhere4research]

i feel like a dick. i fell asleep while amy was venting and i woke and my phone was dead. i left him on delivered and fell asleep on a friend who needed me i feel terrible

[justhere4research]

i want a hug and emanicipation from this house

no child should have to endure the burdens of adulthood on behalf of their parent. my mother is a weak shell of a human being.

her only defense is anger

what an ugly way to pursue life and the problems it lay before you.

[justhere4research]

im gonna queue some music and just sit with it for a while

[justhere4research]

i feel an imbalance

i have enough anger to chuck something across the room but am too numb to cry or react so im just sitting her with pent-up emotions

booo

[justhere4research]

i love him so so much like

aaaa he’s so cute

i adore him, and spending time with him

aaa i’m so lucky

i adore him

like how does HE like me???

like what? i’m so lucky

i adore him.

i want him to come backk

i’m waiting on my doordash☹️

[justhere4research]

he’s so pretty what the flip

[justhere4research]

like i knew i was gonna fail but i didn’t align with the rubric at all. i literally didn’t sleep because of this test so im pissed with myself 👩‍🦯‍➡️

NO CREDITABLE CONTENT??? NOTHING??? NOTHING in the whole essay is creditable????? really?? i find that hard to believe.

i think i’m gonna drop cambridge because i haven’t passed a sungle written exam

[justhere4research]

I love music so so much, like it’s not even funny. im currently in french both airpods in, i cannot here a thing. I LOVE IT. ooo bitch im just blasting judy garland. like i wish i could observe life in the 1940s SO BAD. Musically, its the most beautiful, meaningful time period. its all so beautifully written, today its just recycled chords and melodies. same with movies, its the same recycled garbage or a sequence to a movie that already has 7. boringgggg

anywho im going through my same dillemma im always going through: what are my interests and how do i express them. how do i meet people who know what i like. i feel bad making people listen to my interests. i feel like i seem boring. i dont care for social outings and that makes me boring. well thats fine by me. idk i feel like idont make any sense when i talk about thing i like. im all over the place and i cant properly articulate myself so i just stop talking. my boyfriend happily sits through my tangents but i always feel bad, i always feel like im boring.

i dont know. i love to write and drown out everything i feel with music. i dont need to talk to people, i rarely get lonely. i cant handle social interaction in crowded spaces, i cant eat white chocolate. i love psychology based prompts/dicussions. i love not being able to hear anything be cause of my music volume. i dont like most new music. i love fashion from 1940s and the victorian era. i dream of living in a big city and i hate small talk. i admire techincolor films and old disney soundtracks. ialways cry at the end of the wizard of oz, im moved by psychology discussions, i fear the future. i pray i lead a stable life. i want to be on medication i want to be regulated. i wish i was born without bipolar. i want to lead a mentally stable life, i wish i was normal, and could function without being affected by emotional severity. i wish i was funny, i wish i was beautiful. i wish i was normal. i wish id find peace. i wish id stop sabotaging myself, i lose good oportunities because of my negative perception.

[justhere4research]

i feel like im falling behind in all aspects ofmy life. i feel like im a waste of space majority of the time. no matter how much i try i will always lack. i feel boring . i feel like i lack interesting qualities. i love to drown myself in music so loud i cant think about anything or hear anyone. i just become engulfed by sound around me. i let myself slip in a state of numbness

i cant cry or hold anger, i cant move.

its like a state of voluntary paralysis. nothing can wake me, nothing cant burden me. it makes me feel like a zombie, a lifeless corspe dragging my feet around. it pisses me off how i waste my time sulking