justgottarant

[justgottarant]

executive dysfunction is legitimately physically uncomfortable. i’ll be trapped between two things, weirdly caught on how-much-time-it-might-take-me. i take hours worried im going to take hours doing things. i’ll sit on the floor for the entire day, caught up in the middle of not-doing the chores i actually do want to be doing.

& the amount of mental energy that goes into it. & the legitimate amount of anger and discomfort and self-hate. is not “being lazy”.  it’d be a lot less work if i didn’t have to fight myself to just get up and do it. 

i just need you to understand it’s not effortless. it’s never effortless. it’s not “okay let me just get up and finally start doing this.” it’s more like. i am slamming my foot on the pedal but the car is in neutral and nothing is moving. it’s more like shouting instructions into a dying telephone. it’s more like being trapped in a small electric box, and someone who hates me is administering shocks. 

im trying. im trying. please help me get up.

[justgottarant]

3:30am just watched Spiderman No Way Home and Ive cried so much. I think it was a build up of just everything Ive been trying to process for months now. It felt good to cry but also made me so sad for him. To just. Have noone remember him. At all. I felt i could relate to some extent. But after some experiences these last few years has made me realize people really only remember the bad. I just feel so empty.

Im sad and I feel like theres no escape because Ive lost all my chances. And I keep digging myself deeper. I want to be better and do better. But i know what i need to help myself change how i want and i just cant realistically do that. Not right now. Idk when i will be able to. I know that i dont want to lose the people i do have in my life but i want to stop hurting the people in my life too. I need to change to help them but i cant change if im around them.

I just dont know what to do. Im just sad. And i guess selfish. How do i change when i cant change.

[justgottarant]

Im not entirely sure whats going wrong with my mental state currently. Its 3:15am and this is now about four times this week I havent been able to sleep. This is something that used to happen often in my teens when I was over stressed from the abuse going on at home. Ive been out of those situations for nearly 10 year now yet its starting up again. I know Ive been feeling pressure and trapped and not ok but I thought my body would be used to this by now. Ive dealt with worse and I understand Ive been having this feeling like things are similar to back then but they arent? Were all just stressed right now. And the people around me arent mentally well either. Thats nothing new though. I just keep having this feeling, this anxiety, I cant get it all out right now. It scares me. Its stupid. If I write it down or say it aloud I feel like itll happen. Its always that anxiety I get with so many things. It doesnt usually happen but those few, very few, times it does are the ones that reassert that its real and so I cant not unless the feeling passes or Im out of a situation. I cant leave it though so I guess its gonna have to just passes. I just feel numb now though. After this past weeks event. I just. Ill just get by now. Ill do the things I have to. And try to just do the rest for me. What else can I do now?

[justgottarant]

Im just not ok. Im depressed and panic so easily. I feel like everything is falling apart. I cant even keep a plant alive. Im overwhelmed and i have no support. Im responsible for another life so its not like i can just disappear and try to figure myself out for a few months then come back. No im dragging others down with me and its the most horrible feeling in the world. I dont want to hurt anyone else. I just want to figure myself out. I cant tho. I need help but i cant even remember to put groceries away how did things get to this?

[justgottarant]

Life is just too overwhelming. I want to feel. I want to remember. Anything. Please.

[justgottarant]

Im just so tired. I want to stop. I dont want to speak anymore. All I ever do is hurt people I care about. No matter how much I try to work or better myself its not enough. I say the wrong things every time. Even if its not what I meant or I didn’t understand what I was saying I cant take it back after its out. Its too late. The nail in the coffin. Ive been doing this for 7 years or even longer. I stopped talking as a kid cause it just got me in trouble and now as an adult it continues. Im never going to learn. Im just going to keep hurting everyone. I want to just stop. Please let me just stop.

[justgottarant]

Its now 3 in the morning and I haven’t been able to quite my mind. I just spent the last hour crying silently in my living room of a house I dont own and might be having to leave. About my life thus far. Im 27 years old and have had the people I thought that loved me throughout my life turn their backs on me the moment things got hard. I lost my dad when I was a teen and instead of having the support I was raised to believe I had they all turned and said I wasn’t putting the effort in to stay in contact, to reach out on holidays or birthdays, to expect it was fine to now be left out of any and all family trips. I was a literal child. Up to that point I was told when those things were because I was in school. But then expected to just know everything. I wasnt given time to grieve due to a mother who in front of his open grave that I had just lowered the most supportive person I had known in how much of a shit person he actually was, how we suddenly had a new man living in his room and expecting me to embrace him and my stepmother’s pregnancy not even a week after his funeral. Having to pose with this stranger for prom photos and having to ask him for help when I had car trouble because otherwise I was left alone for days until I “figured it out”. How my whole family that was so closed off suddenly embraced him our first Christmas and not a single person uttered my dads name. Only 2 years after his passing was I given a handmade Christmas ornament with his picture on it because as much as my grandmother detested him at first she was one of the first to embrace us into their family and still tried to keep in contact with me. Out of 3 aunts and 3 uncles none of them included me anymore, no more birthdays with my cousins, no more family vacations, I was an afterthought even at Christmas being one of the only people to receive barely anything anymore unless it was homemade. No advice to help me when I started college. I didnt want to go, my dad had known but my stepmom forced me to go and then live in the dorms. When I had a psychotic break and asked for a therapist she took me to psychiatrist after psychiatrist and got me on pills, not to someone I could talk to. I finally tried asking this past year if I could come to Christmas. I was told no. All because I asked to bring my partner along. They’re disabled and we now live over 2 hours away. I wasnt about to leave them home completely alone on Christmas. And I wanted to introduce them to my “family”. I tried talking to my stepmom about it and how hurt I felt. How I felt betrayed since I had alwasy seen her as my mother growing up, even introducing her as such to people. All she did was apologize and tell me how she never felt that way about me. It made me realize they don’t actually care about me. It hurt.

My nann from my dad could only compare me and everything I did to being just like my dad. I wasnt allowed to be me anymore only a replacement. It took me years to try and talk to her about that. Even now she still does it, I dont want to fully blame her though. I know shes hurting too. But she had more people she could talk to about it. I love her but I am starting to see she isnt the person I always thought she was. She wont even let me meet my nephew I just found out I have because she’s afraid of him “acting out” because he’s autistic. My partner is autistic. Its not a disease and I try to keep telling her that. That it would be fine and that Ive also worked with kids on the spectrum for many years in child care so it was no issue. Shes just embarrassed by him and it saddens me to think how shed react if I ever had a kid who was also.

I got bullied in school for my dad dying because the girl that liked me I didn’t reciprocate so she got everyone in our class rallied against me. Her excuse? Well her dad died first. Before she was born. I was so suicidal during this time and even before. She had met my dad even and knew how he was and how close I was with him. It really hurt especially when my best friend at the time wouldnt even stand up for me and would join her at times because he didnt like conflict.

I had only just been living with my dad for around 2 years after I was forced to leave my moms due to the abuse her boyfriend had put me through for years. She made a choice and always had to choose men over her kid. I grew up raising her, being the adult that made sure her and her friends got home safe from parties and preventing her from starting street fights. I was 10, I shouldnt of had to be the adult pushing a baby stroller and dragging a drunk woman home at midnight.

Honestly I dont know how I didnt go down the same path my parents did. Pregnant at 16 and doing as many drugs as I could find. I was instead immersed in reading and writing and learning skills that interested me. But was inevitably punished for all of them at some point. I remember being only 12 and I told my mom’s boyfriend I hated him, why? Because he told me to tell him how I felt about him. That very night we had a power outage and I was still terrified of the dark, so what did he do. Lock my door and say that people who hate him dont get flashlights. My mother didnt even scold him for that. I had to make myself be used to the dark after that. The amount of sleepless nights because of fear was all too common for me and just grew into a bad habit now as an adult.

I just want to scream. This is all so frustrating. Im exhausted. Im infuriated. The state of the world is shit on top of it all. I cant even afford to live on my own. I cant have a savings.