juste-un-autre-giroflee-blog

[juste-un-autre-giroflee-blog]

February 4, 2017

Okay so my last post was a really pointless rant about college so I’m just gonna try to avoid that topic. So today I had a chill day at home just watched a bunch of movies on Netflix and ate ice cream, and I even played some rock band by myself. To be blunt I don’t have many friends most of the people I talk to are from school but I never hang out with them. I have like two other friends that aren’t from school I talk to but I never hang out with them. Also they’re boys since I really dont get with girls. Every girl friend I have I always end up in huge fight that ends our friendship and trust me it happens every time. So the one person I ever hang out with is my boyfriend, we have been dating for almost five years now. Usually I go over his house everyday after school to hang out with him, but on weekends hes always busy with his family so usually my weekends are boring and I just end up being in bed all day and doing homework. Yah it really is as depressing as it sounds. So thats part of the reason I’m like really anti-social and depressed. I also think because I lack a lot of human interaction I’ve been having really bad anxitey of just over thinking and always thinking people are judging me on my every move and watching to detail everything I say. So now whenever I want to listen to music and put both head phones in my ears I start having a panic attack because I think people are judging my fucking breathing and my music. Yah I know it sounds just as crazy as it should because it is crazy, yet I can’t control it. In all honestly since like high school I’ve kind of just felt numb like yah I had good days where I would feel good but I also had crap days where I would feel bad but usually it didn’t matter until I would just one day explode because it was just too much to handle. So when things would also get bad I would always consider sucide. I would drink too much, I would do drugs, I even once tried to over dose but I guess I didn’t take enough. So when that failed I went on to cut myself, they haven’t healed actually. I’ve done it a bunch of times, but I stopped because of course I realized it’s not healthy and I shouldn’t be doing it. I always wanted help and to be able to talk to someone, but when I told my parents they fucking laughed at me and were like go ahead because they don’t believe I have a problem so I mostly just rely on my boyfriend to talk to. Wow just writing this is making me feel more like shit and I think I’m just gonna get off before I get worst.

bye.

[juste-un-autre-giroflee-blog]

February 2, 2017

Where do I start? I’m 22 years old I’m in my fourth year of college yet I’m not gonna graduate until MAYBE next year. I express maybe a lot because I’m a complete fuck up and can’t help but fucking failing or come close to fail every class I take. Not to mention I went to a different school my first year but because it was expensive as fuck I had to transfer and surprise surprise only two of my fucking classes were transfered so I basically was a freshmen all over again in the new school. It of course didn’t help that since I switched schools I’ve been fucking up. College is hard no one actually helps to prepare you for it so all those years in high school hearing “we’re preparing you for college” is all a bunch of bullshit. Like the whole “college is where you find yourself” is all crap. I thought I knew what I wanted to do since I was in high school, maybe even before that. All my life everyone noticed I liked children a lot and liked to help them with home work or even to learn simple stuff for fun. I also loved playing school a lot so everyone told me that when I grew up I would probably work with children. Ever since I was young I always held on to that and in high school my senior year I signed up for a teaching intership to get a feel what teaching would be like, and I also took up a leadership role to help incoming freshmen so again I could better understand what I would feel if I was a teacher. Even in middle school all through high school whenever I hated teachers or thought some of their teaching methods were crap I would think to myself “when I’m a teacher I won’t do this, I won’t do that, or I’ll do things better”. So yah when it was time to pick a major when applying to schools I picked teaching. By the way my school was a piece of shit they didn’t even encourage us to go to university’s out of state or the one that’s literally five minute away, no instead they all told us to go to community college like we were a bunch of idiots. So of course I said FUCK THAT and went to the university near my high school, which was actually a great idea because literally everyone from my high school went to the community college near by and it was basically high school all over again. Also I’m pissed because of that piece of shit they called a high school (ha honestly it was hell) I never got to apply to many schools. I wanted to go out of state or at least go some where farther away, but of course they didn’t help me out and always advised me to go to the community college. It also didn’t help that my parents basically told me I wasn’t allowed to dorm away so there went out of state colleges, and they also didn’t want to pay for my application fees because money was tight as is. Back to my point since I got really distracted and really pissed, when I got to the new school I kept the same teaching major only to find out I fucking HATED it. Don’t get me wrong I loved the idea of it and I think teachers are super improtant because without them no one in this world would be educated. Anyways but I hate it because the education system is just so fucked and they are literally making it imposible to be a teacher now a days and they really are only hurting the kids with that, but it always had to do with a huge part of the school’s program itself. The program was fucked no one knew exactly what needed to be done so they always told you to take the WRONG classes and you wouldn’t find out till after you took the dam thing and then they would tell you oh yah so you took this class but you actually were supposed to take this class. So this year I had super bad anixety because it’s my fourth year in school and everyone I knew my age was gonna graduate all expect me. At the same time I also had to try and figure out what I wanted to do with my life because I finished my gen eds and literally had to pick a major already since I already figured out that it was not going to be teaching. So I don’t know why I hated myself so fucking much and took a chemistry class and biology class which was for students who plan to be doctors which I wasn’t even fucking trying to be a doctor. I also took a Sociology class which I guess was okay I mean I like learning about social problems like racism so I literally just winged my major choice and did an intercollege trans to switch from Education to Sociology and thats my major now I guess. Wow okay now I think I really got off track to what I wanted to talk about. Basically college is hard, it’s hard to figure out what kind of hell you want to put yourself through to make money to basically live without totally hating what you do. Also you have to find a school with the best program with whatever hell you choose to put yourself through, and checking the ratings for teachers totally helps I had to find that one on my own. Reading the course descriptions helps so much so you actually can be interested in the class and not force yourself to be awake. There are like so many other goods things I learned as I went through college that I wish I knew when I was gonna first start off but this post is already to dam long and I’m already getting tired of writing. So I guess I’ll try and write more tomorrow to bitch and complain about my lame ass life because I’m socially awkaward and depressed and have too much anxiety to function latey and recurring suicidal thoughts.

No one cares so I’m not gonna have a sign out like “signed” or the lame typical one of “sincerely” so all I’ll say is bye I guess.

bye.