justanoutletforme

[justanoutletforme]

A friend, strictly platonic.

I had a friend once, a nice girl, she was actually a friend of a friend of mine from little school and chance brought our paths back and along came a certain grace with it, her friend. 

i don’t know if i’m a bad person for saying this but i miss the friend of a friend who happened to be a girl. 

i miss how intelligent she was. Not to blow my own trumpet but people know me as a sceptic of sorts and she could really debate and i loved that we could talk for hours on end and the best part; how it would never get boring. I can assure this because our conversation was more widespread that just the our small village. We could talk about politics, new scientific discoveries. anything new. A collage of topics. 

She used to gaze into my eyes with her glossy eyes and just smiled, no one had ever looked at me like that before or after and probably never will. I almost thought she liked me but she was almost too sweet and i didn't want to ruin that. I don’t know if i didn’t like her because she wasn’t “right” for me or whether its because they both used to explain how the didn’t want another situation where they let a boy into their inner circle just for him (me) to start acting strange and obsessive. In some ways i hope she had a crush on me, so she will remember me. I hope we get in touch again. 

I have a girlfriend now and as much as i like to deny it, this relationship isn’t good for me and sometimes i feel trapped but i still tell myself that my love for my girlfriend is purely selfless and that i was saving her from her own self destructive nature. My girlfriend hasn't had the best start in life but i try to help her through that. I’m sorry baby.  Of course i still love you.   

[justanoutletforme]

23/03/2018 - Lack of Time

we’ll always have paris. 

[justanoutletforme]

22/03/2018

i really don’t know why i’m doing this, or even if it will continue after a day or two. I probably wont feel satisfied by doing this anyway because i’m simply writing the narrative in my head; but i’m willing to give this a try anyway, even if no’one reads this. To be honest i think what i’m doing here by writing like this is just pure cringe and that if anyone was to find out who i was i would want to leave my area. 

Im sorry if this is hard to read, it will not be a refined piece and i am writing this at 2AM. Tangents.

I don’t know if or why i get treated differently to other people. I guess i always have/thought i have though never definitely knowing beyond any reasonable doubt. For context, i try to think pragmatically and rationally in order to solve problems or simply to apply that thinking to things i observe, even the smallest of things, when i’m: in college, generally out and about or at a social event. That said i try to think why or if i’m a social outcast which at the same time takes away my chance to be able to focus on just being me but at any time of getting into the swing of things i do something or i notice a change in manner from (someone else) speaking to me transitioning to someone else. 

At the start of my y12 college year in post 16 i just segregated myself from everyone so i could focus on school bearing in mind not to be rude or ignorant; just a normal person. I also did this because i felt like i would be intruding on everyone else’s business and felt like i would be the kid who doesn't really have any friends but acts really confident and talks to everyone akin to the “tag along”. I really didn’t/don’t want to be that guy because i hear how they talk about him, him being a specific example in my college, and i wouldn’t like to think people would say them sorts of things about me. My only worry being is that they already do. But if so i would like them to say it to my face and not beat around the bush because that is one thing that does annoy me. A lot of the popular people at my school who say the sort of shit are incompetent and the kind of people that do the same cringy shit as anyone else but for some reason don’t get judged on it which i don’t understand. 

Its often negligible shifts in the manner changes that i notice; speech, facial expression, tone. can be the smallest detail and if it is going from me to then talking to someone else (in which the change happens) then i will think that i have done something out of the ordinary which might be hard hitting for someone who tries to follow the status quo because it can break down that false sense of social security. 

As this is a diary like blog approach that i’m going for then i might as well share an experience from today. Today in my biology class i heard a girl in front of me talking about the new swimming pool that has opened near my college and i simply asked if it was open. She replied with a yeah and explained how she worked there, not very enthusiastic about it but i wasn’t surprised because she was talking about her job. Surprised that it was finished and operating, also needing work, i explained it how it would be cool to work there, not in a way that suggested i want to work with her; more as i like being around/in water also keeping it succinct not to over explain, and her face made only what i can describe as an unusual expression. A friend who sat behind me (i sit in an empty space in the class situated in the front middle area) and expressed a similar view. What did surprise me though was the sudden raise in her expressions and turned to him and talked casually about the job and expressed that she needed a work buddy. i wouldn’t have been too bothered but the guy doesn’t really talk to her anymore than i do. I wasn’t mad at her or him; there was no being upset with them at all, but i felt a bit cast out like i had followed the same social protocol as my friend but got different conclusions.( For anyone who might be reading this i want to explain that i would have felt the same despite gender and this has nothing to do with intimacy. ) I just felt confused is all. I see myself as a chilled out kind of guy, don’t have a problem with social interaction and have intergrated myself into a little friendship group full of sound, chill people but i just feel like a bit out of place and temporary. Today, in a way, cemented that idea in  and tomorrow i think i’m just going to do things on my own. 

I’ll see how it goes and might get back on this to talk about it. i,l throw a few tags on the post; see if it relates to anyone. Could help. I’l talk about something different tomorrow. 

Tired.