justamintho

[justamintho]

Another day, another 4am thoughts

It’s 7am on a Sunday.. I’ve been awake since 4am. I’ve been waking up at 4am a lot lately. I think it’s way of God calling me.. He knows the pain I feel. I pray to Allah to make feel better. To not feel so overwhelmed by everything. I want to stop hearing these voices I hear that is pushing me back into that dark, dark place.

I am better now.

Please.. I am so afraid and so sad. I don’t want to feel like how I used to. I want to be strong like how people pictured me and my life. Oh, God, please, I have only You.

[justamintho]

sixty second meltdown

My Saturday is basically catching up with my much-needed sleep and rest despite the fact that I had only worked 3 days this week. Checked in at a hotel near the city where I worked, where my parents were staying for a personal event but it felt as though I didn't rest at all. The moment we arrived home, I was exhausted and immediately fell asleep. I woke up abruptly at the sounds of guests arriving--mostly kids. My sisters arrived with their families and we had a little get-together. We talked about Spain and Turkey. I knew deep down that they didn't want to go to Spain so I suggested we should switch to Turkey to make everyone happy. I know my family won't probably enjoy Spain as much because of the language barrier and the fact we're Muslims. Nowadays, nowhere is safe and it would be a refreshing change of scenery to go to a Muslim country. Enjoy the Turkish culture and easy-to-find halal cuisine. Sure, I have my personal reasons for wanting to go to Spain but perhaps it's all just me. After all, I'm the only one who's excited about it. It certainly won't be an issue to put the trip on hold.

//

Right now I'm going through an indescribable surge of emotions. It feels as though I'm on a scale and it would tip over on either side at any point in time. It's a cycle from anger, anxiety, miserable to nothing at all. I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm a walking zombie to work and keeping up the happy pretences at home. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith. Being a Muslim gives me a sense of hope in a moment of despair and when I feel like giving up, I know Allah is telling me to keep on. Don't despair because all these that I am feeling is momentary and God is giving me the strength to face it all. No human is able to understand because we are all different so there is little point in telling anyone about what I feel and why because it would only invite judgements and the feeling of being a burden. At least writing this down makes it better.

[justamintho]

To or not t--

Today I had suddenly thought of pursuing a postgraduate study. Never in my life had I thought of returning to be a student. It was already an arduous journey for my degree. Am I mentally ready for another one?

When I think of the future, it is just full of uncertainties and anxieties. I imagined my life differently and doing a master's seem to be the first step to changing it. My life is definitely not here so I need to go.

I checked different scholarships available--Japan's, UK's-- but most are not open for applications and some, I lack the criteria listed. Should I open myself to the possibility of studying when work seems like a lost cause to me?

[justamintho]

phasing

I found myself looking into a distance a lot. A. Whole. Lot.

Always drifting. Always looking.

Sometimes I feel like I've taken a few steps forward. Then I found myself completely stationary. Perhaps I was under the illusion that I have actually achieved something, a lie that I compelled myself to believe so I'd feel better.

In truth, I didn't even move.. my surroundings did. Everyone else is heading to their next phase in life, whereas my heels are stuck.

What exactly am l looking for?

2022; I'm still left wondering but I can't do much.

For now, I just need to keep convincing myself so I won't spiral into madness. Search for something that keeps me afloat. Ease the pressure of trying to accomplish everything that society has led me to believe in accomplishing.

The little things that I want to do this year:

1. Be in control of my finances

2. Not responsible for things that are beyond my control

3. Travel to Spain particularly in autumn or winter so I could feel the cold breeze blowing through my scarf

4. Be less clingy and more adult-like

5. Give myself a minute.