justafewpearls

[justafewpearls]

I just want to be me, and I’m not even sure who she is deep down

On the outside , we know her when I’m feelin good

But I’m not always feelin good on the inside

Sometimes the inside gets pretty dark and twisted.

Do my insides match my outsides? I’d like that. How do I get there?

God, I’m trying to get there .

Show me the next right action .

[justafewpearls]

I am either all or nothing .

I’ve got to find an in between

I really hope there is an in-between that I can find

[justafewpearls]

My go to is to hide it all.

That has not got me anywhere good as far as I can see…

If I can be honest with my sponsor then I guess I can be honest with those around me.

If I can be honest with those around me then I guess I can be honest with my sponsor.

Because it’s all a big cluster fuck to be honest .

The alcoholic mind is far too deep, but as humans we are not that far from one another in our thinkings .

So let’s try this new way.

Tell me something sweet to get me by… because I can’t come back home until they’re singing

[justafewpearls]

It’s okay to get frustrated with my situation .

These people love me and want to help.

I also need their help.

Taking a breather before continuing conversation isn’t horrible .

Everything isn’t horrible .

Everything is actually okay.

People are going to ask though because they care , I’ve got to just breathe , think before I speak.

Meetings are good , get spiritually fit before the big conversations .

These conversations seem harder when I haven’t taken care of myself .

Tell me, can you turn around ?

Hold me while you wait .

Know that you are good enough. Please don’t give up when things get tough.

But please , don’t give up when things get tough. You don’t grow when you are comfortable .

Don’t you want to grow , my child ?

[justafewpearls]

Life is fragile .

[justafewpearls]

Even if it means do a few things , rest , do a few more things .

This is achievable and I am able .

[justafewpearls]

Hey there , depression. I’ve been trying to fight you off but I’m just going to accept that you’re here for the time being .

Can’t say I’ve missed you , but I’m going to make the most of life while you’re here .

I’ve got too many positive things going on right now to let you control me as much as you have . Make my to do lists , stick with my goals …. Achieve as most as I can in a day. Note to self : don’t get too upset at myself when I don’t do things in the time frame I’d set for myself because that’s really YOUR fault, depression. That ain’t on me .

You’re here . You’ve been here for a bit but today I accept that you’re here .

[justafewpearls]

I can do this

I can do this

I can

Do this .

It’s a lot , but I can do it .

[justafewpearls]

[justafewpearls]

I am a visitor here , I am not permanent …

The stranger with the door key, explaining that I am just visiting …

While I am finally seeing

I was the one worth leaving .

Well, I was the one worth leaving .

The district sleeps alone tonight .

[justafewpearls]

Nocturne…

I won’t sleep no more

But fuck I want to cry and why can’t I?

That’s the problem

These tear ducts don’t wanna work no matter how hard they’ve been pushed …

So get these thoughts out of me head , they’re only

Real if you let them …

And I’ve been letting go of my goals ??

Fuck

And if I just keep talking then maybe I’ll figure this out .

No.

Too much hurt

Let’s cry please

I want that

I won’t sleep no more

Unless I deal with it

[justafewpearls]

I know I need to deal with that part of my past

See? The thing is … I’m really enjoying just not thinking about it .

Not thinking about it is GREAT.

Are there triggers ? Apparently… and apparently a lot recently .

So much so that I feel like this is just something God is calling me to deal with.

Let’s recap the last few weeks…

Someone at work has your name , I’ve never met anyone else with your name .

Cool, I can separate the assault with this person. Struggle for a day or two but it’s been okay.

Then that guy at work I didn’t like because the vibes were off but I didn’t know why… well he made a random comment about some rape victims that he didn't feel sorry for because they didn't scream and make enough of a scene or a fight… they went to the hotel room, after all . they were asking for it .

That was a trigger, and originally I just thought it was for the majority of rape victims...

Though, I brought the situation up to my sister in law.... and again, somehow assault came into conversation.

I heard a story other than my own, and I spoke on mine.

I screamed, I cried, I kicked, I fought... it didn’t matter.

I see why it upset me.

But

todays group

we had to watch videos on sexual assault

and how you have to deal with it, just like the other traumas in your life that lead you to your dependency.

But fuck

Pablo

I dont want to talk about your ass

I don’t want to talk about what you did to me

You’re a twisted mind fuck of a human being and you don’t deserve to have children.

I hope they’re okay, and I’m okay with simply hoping theyre okay and no thats not okay of me.

But fuck

I 

Dont

Want

To

Remember

The

Details

Of

What

You

Did.

I think I need to write one of those letters though.

Get it out.

Like therapists say to do to your ex?

A letter of the past.

I should say it.

Maybe that’s what the universe is pushing for.

But god damnit i’m not reading it in a group setting, jesus.

Fuck

you

PABLO FIGEUROA!!!!!!! I said it, but it’s too late for any charges.

but I said it

You put me through hell, and made your sister watch.

You fucking piece of shit.

I know there’s power in sharing stories

But fuck our story.

[justafewpearls]

“I write to find out what I’m thinking.”

— Julia Alvarez

[justafewpearls]

I know my worth .

Don’t I?

[justafewpearls]

Mirror in the sky…

What is love ?

[justafewpearls]

She doesn’t talk to her father anymore

She tries

He died … it’s not easy to talk to a dead guy

An amazing dead guy .

Really terrific dead guy

But can you still be in love ?

Because I’ll fall in love with your parents too fast

Way too fast

Quicker than I will you

[justafewpearls]

Don’t tell me what’s good for me when I know that you’re doing everything so wrong for yourself.

Things just always work for you somehow

I will do what I do, when I do it

Accept it bitch .