just-talking-to-my-self

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Living alone is just a constant battle of Do I kill myself tonight and save myself a lifetime of pain or do I wait for everyonevu love to die unti there's no 9ne left to miss me

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Every day I fight the urge to ask the people in my life "would you miss me if I was gone"

I never ask. Because I know the answer would be Yes.

But it brings me no comfort.

I almost wish no one would miss me at all

[just-talking-to-my-self]

God I want to die I want to die i want to die I want to get it over with and fucking die

[just-talking-to-my-self]

I know it's not normal to want today to be my last day. I wake up and even on good days. I feel this. Despite having... almost everything. Maybe not everything, but enough. Except it's never enough. And I'm tired of waiting for new things to bring temporary joy.

I hope it's quick like a car crash. Painless like a garage full of fumes. I hope I go before everyone else. I deserve to die alone, and yet I hope I am first. Selfish. Stupid. Pathetic.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Why can't I let you go

Just be friends

Why is that so hard for me

Why can't I just stop

How much longer do I have to wait until I feel normal about you

I thinkcback to a year ago

And it's so different now

And I wish you would forget me

But you won't

So what am I suppose dto do

It's b3en a year. And I still can't t get over you.

Fucking pathetic.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

You want me to come visit in august

For Pride.

And I want to go but

I'm scared I won't be able to keep from kissing you

Out of the blue

Would you kiss me too?

It's been almost a year

And I can't believe I'm still not

100% over you

[just-talking-to-my-self]

It's not that I really want to die - classic phrase for the depressed. I don't. Really. But I can't shake the feeling I've had since I was 13 - which is that I am going to outlast everyone I love, watch them all die, and be left completely alone. I don't really want to die - I just don't want to die last.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Depressive episodes are so fucking draining.

Drunk posting about how I wish I could be dead, then getting texts that make me feel like a burden. Because there's a limit to how much pain you can be open and honest about. And god forbid you step over that line. I'm sorry I pissed you off, made you uncomfortable, was too real and not funny enough to cover the worst of it up.

My best friend calling 8 times after I've gone to sleep, texting 'you scared me' because I didn't answer. Thanks for the guilt, sorry I slept off the wine instead of staring at the ceiling. Losing my patience at her with one small jab, because I'm not perfect and I'm tired of trying, her reply, 'sorry for caring.' Yeah. I'm sorry you care too. Sorry to everyone I'm a shitty friend to, sorry I isolate and withdraw and drink to feel nothing or everything.

Depressive episodes are numbing. Going through the motions. Get up and go to work so you can buy food you can't taste, so you can pay bills, to keep the TV screen from going black. To get more wine. Say I'm fine. Just tired. Just lonely. Just fucked in the head. Just not in the mood to pretend. Sorry, I'm just not all that sorry anymore.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Constantly torn, wanting to snatch up my phone, send you a message, "listen I know I'm gonna sound like a crazy person, but last year was the roughest transition of my life and it started with you. I got attached so quickly, and got the rug ripped out even quicker, and buried that feeling under the rubble. We talked almost daily for months, and I don't want to hurt you when I say this next part, but I have to say it - you are a giant red flag that I was blind to. Until I wasn't. I feel like you yourself are blind, but it's an internal blindness. It makes you self-involved and shallow, begging for attention until you've had your fill and then you move on. Why didn't you fucking care about my life? Why did you never ask questions? Why don't you notice that I haven't replied to your texts or liked your posts in almost 2 months? Why don't you notice that I'm trying to say goodbye and it's killing me that you can't even see it? Because I think I would keep you in my life, as my friend, if you just showed an ounce of recognition of my silence. I think I would try if you tried to keep me too.

I think it's more likely that you haunt me for years to come, all because I'm too weak and stupidly hopeful. You're like the monster from our favorite Disney movie. I keep cutting off heads, but it never stays dead.

Or, you know. I just continue to ignore you. Refuse to text first, or reply. Pretend your username in the notifs is just another faceless icon. It means nothing. Until it means nothing.

It's been a long. Long year.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

Things I would say if you ever asked me why we don't talk like we used to

Everything was always about you. Your day. Where you were going. Your life. It felt like you never cared about what I was doing. You would never ask. I tried to share bits and pieces of me with you - and you would either turn the conversation back to you or not acknowledge me at all. You made me feel like I didn't matter the way you were very quickly starting to matter to me.

I need to be friends with people who make me feel safe. Seen. Heard. Cared about. I never wanted you to ask for my life story - I just wanted you to care enough to want to know me, and not just someone you text when you're bored. Because that's how it feels. Like I'm a distraction. Or an amusement. It felt like you only wanted me around to stroke your ego, compliment your outfit, shower you with affection that I was only too willing to give - and I can't do it anymore. I need more than that.

Because I have this horrible crush on you that I can't seem to shake, even though it's been months. I fell hard, fast, and you felt like a drug that I'd never experienced before. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me. It changed everything for me. And you barely acknowledged it when I told you.

If you ever asked me why we don't talk like we used to, would I be brave enough to say any of these things? Risk your rebuttal, risk being called out for being too sensitive? I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore besides do everything I can to stay away.

We don't talk like we used to because I will not ask you to care about me and my life, boring as it may be, if you don't. I want to believe I deserve better than you. You told me once that people have called you cold, like a reptile. Old lovers have left you because of your actions. I don't know details, but I no longer need them.

I deserve sunlight. I deserve warmth. I deserve to be given a damn about past your own vanity and self-involvement. I will not ask for you to care. Because how real can it be if I have to beg for it?

[just-talking-to-my-self]

I just wish I knew there was an other side to thsi

Like. It's gonna get better I'm not gonna be so broken over you

You who has noclue just how bad I had have it for you

Who probably would t care even if you did know

I wish I knew if anyone would ever make.me.feel the wY I feel when I see your name

But better.

Better and happier and healthier and right

I don't know if anyone will make me feel that way. I don't know if I'm good enough for that. If I'm capable of loving g someone good for me.

I do t know if I'll ever even know what love is.

Some days I just want to stop wondering g and give up give in not give a damn anymore

I never cared about love until you

And you aren't even a good person to love

So why why WHY can't I move on

[just-talking-to-my-self]

I hate you I hate you I hate you I wish you had just. Left me. Alone. Would I be better? Or would I be exactly where I was. Almost one year ago. I hate you. But also. Thank you? Its a complicated feeling. That I only seen to be able to xommunicate. On a side blog. Tipsy and lonely

[just-talking-to-my-self]

And I think what scares me most (besides never being able to let these feelings go) is what if no one ever wants to take a chance on me, now that I'm ready to put myself out there to be found

[just-talking-to-my-self]

I keep thinking "should I text her? Should I check in?" Because that's what friends do. That's what they're supposed to do.

I tell myself that I'll text first when the sight of your username on my dash doesn't make my stomach ache, my heart drop like a stone. And I'm not there yet. Besides, you have a lot of friends. Lots of people to talk to. You don't miss me.

It's what I have to tell myself. So I don't get hurt again. So I don't care more than is good for me.

[just-talking-to-my-self]

“It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me.”

— Sylvia Plath (via goodreadss)

[just-talking-to-my-self]

[just-talking-to-my-self]

I kind of just want to shut myself away. Delete and give up. Because I'm afraid to care about anyone new again. On any level. I'm afraid to care too much again, fall into that trap of my own making, fall for the wrong person again. Because what if they're all wrong - or maybe it's just me that's been wrong this whole time.