just-d-e-a-d

[just-d-e-a-d]

i know that it's been like 2 years since you last posted but i just randomly thought of you and i wondered how you're doing. i really hope that you're doing well and that life is kind to you and please know that i love you.

life gets better

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god i just want to die im so tired i want to die i want to be nothing

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I guess I just need to keep my chin up

Because that’s all you ever asked of me

Chin up, just breathe,

You’re gonna be okay.

Of course it hurts now that I’m here

And you’re there.

And it’s less than an hours walk,

But I know if I strained my legs to get that far,

On minimal sleep and no food for three days

You wouldn’t even intertwine them with yours

And I guess that’s how I know things have changed

You think this is for the better,

But I know it’s for the worst

And it hurts when you don’t talk to me because we used to talk nonstop

And it’s like

You never left me hanging,

But now you do,

I’ve sent you five messages today and you’ve seen them all but you haven’t replied.

I’m trying to be okay with that,

But I’m not.

I showed you my new hoodie,

Told you it was my favourite because the sleeves are red

And you usually pick up on these things,

But you kinda just smiled.

I guess I don’t know what to do with such a big ache in my heart,

An emptiness you left when you told me you don’t love me,

Because,

Fuck,

I always loved you more than you could ever love me back

I saw something that said not to love anyone who makes you feel like you’re hard to love

But you’re the only person who hugs me anymore,

And I’m not very good at going without human contact.

I don’t miss you like I miss her,

Because she’s gone forever,

But I know you’re still there,

Still there but still more absent than her.

I told you I haven’t eaten in three days,

But it’s like you don’t even care anymore

And I want to say I’ve given up on you,

But I don’t know how to give up on anyone.

It’s like I miss you more than my nana’s hands on my back during panic attacks,

I miss your words more than her hands,

“you’re okay”

“just breathe”

“keep going”

“you can do it”

“you’re a trooper”

“I love you”

And it’s like,

I wonder if it’s too early to call you a liar,

Because the fire you lit inside of me is still burning,

But I see coldness in your eyes and last time I looked into them I felt chills that made me cry.

I guess I just miss you.

I have no explanation as to why.

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tips for when you're feeling uncomfortably full

tell yourself that you have a cute tummy full of love

remind yourself that it’s going to be okay

take deep breaths, this won’t last forever

maybe do some gentle stretches

tell yourself that you are beautiful 

believe it too, or at least try right now because you’re great

remember that you’re doing wonderful things in this world!!

give yourself a hug, you’re super

[just-d-e-a-d]

THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA, IF YOU DO THIS YOUR BLADES WILL GET RUSTY AND THIS IS REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS AS YOU CAN GET TETANUS AND DIE

DO NOT DO THIS

THERE ARE OTHER DISTRACTIONS AND WAYS TO RESIST URGES

WHEN YOU CUT, ALWAYS DO SO WITH A CLEAN BLADE

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

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. | via Tumblr on We Heart It.

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dyke

not enough

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The second time I overdosed, my body couldn’t handle it, and I threw it all up. I texted my dad saying, “I think I took a little too many pills”. And every time I’ve overdosed, I always downplay it. I’ve always tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills was something daily that normal people do. My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle and he shook me to make sure I was awake. I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..” while I was drifting off to sleep. He had to wake me up every 15 minutes to make sure I was okay. Let me tell you now, it is a big deal. The third time I overdosed, I slept through first and second period and passed out in the counselor’s office. I didn’t want to go to the ER. I just wanted to go home. All I wanted to do was sleep. Again, I just said, “I think I took too many pills this morning.” The fifth time I overdosed, my dad found the empty pill box. I hallucinated, I had a fever. I couldn’t move my legs. All I could do was scream, “Don’t take me to the hospital this time. I don’t want to go!” I became friends with a girl who had overdosed she’s one of my best friends now and when I heard she was hospitalized as well, it just makes me realize how real this problem is. A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed. Do you realize how fucked up it is, that I’ve done it so many times that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through? She messaged me saying, “I took a bunch of pills, but I just realized I didn’t want to die. I don’t know what to do. Help.” And I’m screaming at her over the screen that she should throw it up and call 911 because sometimes when someone you love decides that they hate the world, that’s all you can do. You can’t teleport through the phone. You can’t travel through the internet. You can’t be there to hold them and take them to the hospital. Your love is not charcoal that can absorb all their poison in their life. I know, love that you would have done all you could. Sometimes words aren’t enough. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes a person needs to try dying to know that that’s not really what they want. There’s nothing you could have done. You’ve done all you could. Just keep loving them. But you see the thing is, I got lucky. I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses without a scratch on me. But that’s not always the case. My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter locked herself in her room and overdosed. To this day, her stepmother still has a scar on her heart. To this day, on the anniversary of her death, her stepmother still stays home from school on the anniversary of her death. Her sister is in a bad mental state, and so is her biological mother. Her family has fallen apart. You overdose because you think you will get a peaceful release from death. It’s not peaceful. It is not like falling asleep. It is convulsions, vomiting, muscle spasms, fevers, and sharp stomach pains. An overdose is not instant. Hollywood has you believing, that an overdose is how a lady should exit the world. As quiet as she came in, Peaceful and unnoticed. You will go out kicking and screaming and wishing you hadn’t taken them.

6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)

Dedicated to Rae

(via loserplant)

[just-d-e-a-d]

everything hurts and everything is too hard and i want to run away

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Sometimes, I feel like ripping apart my skin, and searching for a reason for why I feel this empty. Maybe my veins are tangled, or something is lodged in my ribcage. Because it feels like something inside of me is missing or broken.

Unknown  (via skeezd)

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the worst part about depression that’s on again off again is that you can never tell if you’re making progress and actually feeling better or if you just had a couple of good days and the second something goes wrong you’ll be right back where you started.

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does it ever properly scare you to know you have blades and you know where your veins are and you know you could cut them any time you want and feel everything and then nothing at all does it scare you does it?

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i need you i need you i need you