just-another-part-of-me

[just-another-part-of-me]

I’m learning what love is.

I’ve always dreamed about love. I’ve seen all the classic rom coms, I know all the cheesy story lines and all the cute ways you are supposed to meet the love of your life. Growing up I clung to this fantasy. That one day someone would come along and just like that I’d live happily ever after. I soon realised, its not quite how it plays out and love is more than someone standing outside your house playing music to get your attention.

You are showing my what love is.

Love is when you hold me while I cry myself to sleep even though I can’t even tell you why I’m so sad.

Love is you sitting on the bathroom floor with me while I chuck my guts up because I drank too much again.

Love is you still being in my corner even when I push you away.

Love is a Sunday night in bed watching stupid rom coms with you in my arms.

Love is more than words. Love is finding your home.

You make me feel like home. When I am with you my pain is taken away. I feel like I can be the best me possible because I know you will love me and cheer me on. But mostly your love is teaching me that it is okay to love. It is okay to love myself.

Thank you. Thank you for breaking down my walls and showing me what it really means to love and be loved. I want you to know that in return I want to give you all of me, even the ugly parts and I hope that you feel you can do the same with me because baby I love everything about you and I want all of it forever.

Always yours.

[just-another-part-of-me]

Eggshells

You’re awake

Oh shit you’re awake

I can hear your heavy footsteps as you walk down the hallway

I notice I’m holding my breath

I don’t dare exhale

Can I sink into my chair? Can I become so small you can’t hear me?

I notice it’s not just me

We all sit in silence, not making a move

Not a sound

We wait

Waiting for you to charge back to your room

You growl

Oh fuck

Did I not do the dishes?

No, you’ve knocked over the sugar

Not matter what we do, it’s always something

You’re angry now

You slam the cupboards and throw things around

I hear a thumping, it’s my heart in my ears and in my throat

It’s pounding, I can hardly breathe

I keep it together

You storm back down the hallway

I’m holding breath

You’re mumbling loudly, you don’t even make sense

My fingers dig into the couch, holding on for dear life

My whole body is frozen

It feels like forever

But you walk right past the door and back to your room

Safe again for who knows how long?

I release my body and let go of my breath

What is this feeling? Am I going to throw up?

I gotta calm myself down

And go back to pretending

Until you come out of your room again

[just-another-part-of-me]

That smile had me hooked in an instant 💕

[just-another-part-of-me]

Stay golden you beautiful ray of fucking sunshine! 🌞

[just-another-part-of-me]

Never stop playing! ✨

[just-another-part-of-me]

Embrace what makes you DIFFERENT! 

[just-another-part-of-me]

Whoever said cats aren’t as loyal as dogs has obviously never had a bond with a cat like I do with my baby boy Sir Angus. 

You’ve helped me through some of the hardest times and I wouldn’t trade our morning cuddles for anything. 

#cats #soulmate #loyal

[just-another-part-of-me]

This quote has stuck with me since I first saw it. 

I am very lucky to be in position in my life and in my job that I can create change in my community. I am so grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get to this point, even those people who’s time with me was fleeting, it has all shaped me into the person I am today. It’s so crazy to me that maybe I am being that person for some of the young people in my life. If I help one person have a happy healthy life, I’m happy with that.

You never know who you could be setting an example for, make sure it’s a good one. 

[just-another-part-of-me]

Thanks for making me laugh uncontrollably on days I didn’t think I would be able smile.

I love you 💕

[just-another-part-of-me]

"Perfect one doesn't exist because simply we are HUMANS.. So, love yourself because you're ART anyway"

📷 Photography by Peter DeVito

[just-another-part-of-me]

It’s your birthday tomorrow Nanna.

It’s been 118 days since you left this Earth.

I wanted to take this opportunity to say the things I should have while you were with us, I hope in some way you still get to hear them.

You were such a highlight of my childhood. Even writing this I start to smile thinking about all the shenanigans we would get up to. I think about hearing you call my name from down the street as you would be walking to our house, and I would come running, thinking YES! Nanna is here!  

You were my crazy Nanna, the one who would make me laugh so hard in public I thought I would wet my pants. Like that time you wore your underwear on the outside of your pants on the train home and acted like a superhero. I admired the way you didn’t care for a minute what anyone else was thinking as long as you made us smile.

One of my fondest memories is sitting on your lap and eating Chinese takeaway. I had the plastic container held up to my face and I was scooping the food into my mouth. You laughed at me and told me that’s not how princesses eat their food, I never did it again, and that memory will often pop into my head when I am eating takeaway.

I swear I take after you so much, my crazy side.. and even Mum. We are a bunch of quirky drama queens, always ready to make someone else laugh. It’s amazing how I can still hear exactly how you sound. You saying my name plays over and over in my head as I write this, I hope I never lose it.

I wish I could call you one last time. I’d tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me. You have shaped who I am as a person and I will always be so thankful for that. I want to let go of my regrets, taking solace in the fact that you are happy and at peace. I don’t believe in heaven, but I know some how one day we will all be together again.

I love you Nanna Sonja. You crazy old witch!

Thank you for everything.

CIRCLE

[just-another-part-of-me]

THANKFUL 

I never thought I would say this but I am thankful for my trauma.  I am thankful that I have grown strong, thankful that I survived and thankful that I see the world differently.  It’s the life I have lived that has enabled me to feel so deeply now. I am able to help people and connect with them in a way that feels so real and special.  This is a gift and no matter what I need to remember that...

[just-another-part-of-me]

Okay, I see you Alkira. How long have you been saying you want to do a blog?.. Too long! So, here I am writing. I don’t know who will read this, if anyone, I mean I will probably only do a couple posts then come back to it in 8 years (like I’ve done today) but hey lets see where this goes. My name is Alkira, I am 25 and trying to do this adult thing, TRYING being the key word here. It’s so funny reading back on my posts from 8 years ago. Bless my little teenage soul. That life feels so simple to me now, although I now it wasn’t. It’s like you trade the trauma of childhood for the trauma of being a struggling adult. However, I am aware that we all struggle, maybe we all need to show it more? Any who, I am going to try to commit to something for one. Sharing my feeling’s on here with whomever would like to read it.

[just-another-part-of-me]

There's an innocence we look for in the stars To be taken back to younger days When there was no giving up On the people we held closest to our hearts

[just-another-part-of-me]

Fact

Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.

[just-another-part-of-me]

Something I think about

This post is kind of about nothing, I just need to vent.

I know you may think I just completely cut you off, I didn't. I never wanted feelings to get hurt. I'm not that person. I am a nice person, this is me convincing myself. I get so upset wondering what I could have done differently. Somehow I don't think any of it would make a difference.

I was never mean. I would walk past and smile just like I did with everyone else. Why was this not enough for you? I feel terrible, I honestly do. But I cant help thinking this is partly your fault. You had to push. Push at me and everything that was left, now there's nothing. We could have easily gotten past it all. Now its like everywhere I go you've placed eggshells. Your right, that's it, end of story.

I cant do it. I have let people walk all over me for to long. Is it such a bad thing that I have finally gotten a little selfworth? I cant deal with this. Why cant it be easy? Even as I write this I feel the urge to cry. I didnt want it to be like this. God! Its not a divorce. Are you really going to divide everything? I want it to go back to how it was before. But it cant, so what am I supposed to do?

[just-another-part-of-me]

Another Photo taken at the beach :)