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Tim Burton tattoo

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Silent Killer.

I am the reason you lie awake at night. I'm the reason your chest feels tight I'm the pill that's hard to swallow,  I'm the scary thought of the suffering that comes tomorrow. I'm the memory etched so deep into your pale skin The release from yourself when your patience is running thin.  I am the reason you can no longer dream,  Questioning what this nightmare may really mean.  You can only watch helplessly as I tear you apart. As you carry me around sunken deep into your heart. I am the voice that whispers ever so gently, convinces you ever so cleverly,  That this world is not yours to roam,  That where you live you can't call home. I'm the evil that everyone talks about,  But all I seem to hear is doubt, A doubt that there can be no explanation,  That there is only one release: emotional sedation, I'm the reason they see insanity,  But this is just a chosen reality. It's all a trick inside your head. Nothing more...they all said. But I am the unwanted guest that remains long after you are broken.  Depression. All the words still unspoken.

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Sometimes you'll wake up and wish you hadn't,

Sometimes you'll let people into your heart and when it's too late wish you hadn't.

There's going to always be that one person telling you that you can't.

But wait for that person who makes you know you can.

Learn to smile at things you shouldn't. 

Learn to laugh at times you shouldn't.

Live for the people who live for you. 

Let your heart break and let someone fix it. 

Wake up everyday and learn something new. 

Tomorrow may seem far away, today.

But tomorrow could bring you a thousand reasons to smile.

You won't know, if you live your life, dying. 

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Maybe

If I could, maybe I'd change. If I wanted to, maybe I'd try.  If I knew how, I'd find myself. If that person still existed, I'd remember who I once was. If wishes weren't wasted, I'd wish for perfection.  If who I am wasn't this, then I'd feel happy in my own skin.  But,  If you can't understand me, maybe you're not trying hard enough. If you don't accept me, maybe you didn't try to.  If you didn't want to try, maybe you don't deserve me. 

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What if?...

It's one of those days, isn't it? Scrap that, one of those weeks. In fact one of those years. Well you're probably thinking?

-What if?

What if I were to die?

Well, your mum she's crying, what if I could of helped?

Your dad, he's comforting but inside shouting, what if I'd listened more?

Your sister, brother is sobbing what if I'd just been there more?

Your bestfriend is thinking, what if I can't live without my closest friend?

Your love is screaming, what if I didn't try hard enough to take all that pain away?

What if you are missed to the point where people are feeling how you feel now?

What if they felt they can't carry on, they feel broken, defeated.

What if they don't carry on and the people around them, feel how the people around you will feel, and so on. 

What if you dry your tears and keep the thought that, 

What if your cold broken world is somebody else’s world too...?

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“In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die: Ever drifting down the stream- Lingering in the golden gleam- Life, what is it but a dream?”

- Alice In Wonderland

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So Here's To Believing.

So when you’re young you're always dreaming.

Then as you grow older you're helpless in watching your life turn to a nightmare. 

Your promising yourself.

Things you can't keep.

You promise that people won’t bring you down and change who you are and yet there YOU are. 

Stood in front of the mirror trying to work out why it always hurts so badly.

You trace your scars with your fingers that are etched into your skin.

A scar that screams.

Screams of pain.

Self torture.

Regret floods your body. 

Wondering how you got here. 

Why you're still here, and how you’ll ever get back. 

You're watching everyone around you vulnerably drowning in you're sorrow.

They're hurting too.

Because they can’t find you, fix you. 

Then there’s the little things that life gives you, to make you believe again. 

The promises, the smiles.

But not even those will last forever. 

Part of you wants to fight this.

Thinks you're stronger than this. 

Wants you to get up and say but I want to win this time.

But you can’t.

You can't because you're afraid.

People didn't hear your screams.

Ignored your cries.

What makes you think that they care for your laughter.

You can’t because you’re scared.

Vertigo.

Once you overcome that fear and climb to the top of the mountain you’re going to be stood at the top even more fearful.

You fear the long way down.

You don’t have time to appreciate that YOU, for once, are on top of the world. 

So you keep yourself unhappy.

Not for the attention.

The patronizing pity from those that don't understand the sense of security it gives. 

The only thing that you carry around with you for the rest of your life will be this hurt.

A comfort of sorts, something that won't go.

When everything else has turned its back on you.

The tears that roll down your face are bitter and cold. 

Refreshing if you like.

You’re reminiscing again.

Stuck in a time where you didn’t understand reality.

That someone you could be so happy with could be so happy for tearing you’re world apart. 

A once upon a time when the only evil was the Witch that offered you that deadly apple.

Before your parents tucked you in safe from the monsters under the bed.

‘I wanted to be a doctor’ you remember once saying.

Now all you can say is ‘I just don’t want to be any more, I’m tired of this fight.'

Now you've found the evil is everywhere.

You can’t escape it because it’s not hidden by fancy fairytale stories.

You’re no longer tucked in to bed.

No longer protected by your parents. 

You're beginning to learn to fight this battle alone. 

Memories are now painful.

Even the good ones.

For they only remind you of the short lived perfection of innocence. 

Childhood doesn’t prepare you for the ruthless court of life.

Where you’re pleading against a jury of emotions.

A judge with a taste for blood.

Not justice. 

Guilty or not guilty the verdict is down to you.

Guilty, I’m sure. 

You’d like to pretend things will get easier. 

But you can’t even bring yourself to say that.

You can’t even bring yourself to lie.

Despite the fact the truth will always be this painful. 

The scars, they won’t ever heal. 

Physical or emotional.

They’re permanent and whenever you see or feel them they remind you.

Of what has been, what's made you. 

Strangely they keep you safe.

Whispering ‘don’t go there again; run as fast as you can.’ 

Sometimes though, they work so well.

Unhealthy defence mechanisms. 

A denial of happiness, a phobia perhaps.

A fear.

Of love.

You find yourself running.

Running from the only thing that may have been able to save you.

When you turn to try it is just too late. 

Always too late. 

So for the first time you begin to believe that you will find a peaceful place.

If you just sleep.

No dreaming.

No hope.

No disappointment.

No nightmares.

No suffering.

For the first time.

Just nothing.

But part of you will always wonder.

This is what keeps you going.

That echo in your heart.

You wonder.

If you’ll ever know what it means to be someone.

Not no one.

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Do you know?

Do you know? I wonder, do you really know? How it feels, to die? My heart is racing and my lungs aren’t broken. But I’m dead. Murderer. Tell me, do you know? Do you know, pain like I do? Have you ever stood in a room full of people eyes wide open and they’re screaming for something, someone to calm the storm? Breathe, for the moment. That’s it, keep breathing.

Question, is that all you know? Not why, exactly. That room, the one that’s so full of people, yes. Why are you alone? Forgotten. Go on, plead, beg yourself to forget. Forget how to keep your heart beating. I promise you, okay, one day, you can let go. Soon if you like. Not yet though. It’s not too late.

All those tomorrows that’ll never come, promises that were never made, remain unbroken. Breathe again, you still with me? Breathe. You know it’s not getting better, but don’t be scared, don’t worry. Don’t panic. We can go alone. In the night, they won’t know until we’re long gone. In the morning. New day, no more of the same pain. Mourning the dawning of the death of yourself.

Breathe? Can you remember how to breathe? Can I ask, are you tired? It’s alright, I am too. Go to sleep, I’ll follow. Won’t wake you, be safe for it can’t reach you in your dreams. You’re crashing aren’t you? On the rocks, off that cold windy cliff. You chose not to be caught.

That’s okay too, as long as you’re still breathing right? Stay with me, not long now, closer now. Hang on. Are you bleeding? No one’s around now to fix the break, don’t wait. Don’t wait forever.  Don’t wait. You don’t have to fight anymore. I know. I know, it hurts. Don’t count on things will be better soon.

Are you ready, we’re nearly there now? You comfortable? Breathing still…that’s right. In…and out. You haven’t forgotten, good. 1 pill for the memories now just nightmares, 1 pill for the tears now an ocean, 1 pill again for the heartbreak, now just a distant ache. Keep the drip in, anaesthesia for a broken life.

Tell me, does it still hurt?

Do you know what pain feels like?

Can you tell me, do you know?

It’s alright, just remember what you forgot.

Remember, please, to breathe.

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So how about you BIOSHOCK INFINITE hurry up and get in my xBox? .....Thanks. 

-LosingMyPatience.

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Playing music so loud you are not sure whether your heart is about to jump out of your chest, or the music is pounding through your heart in such a beautiful, painful way. ♥

- Thea Challenger

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Phones flashing 'low battery'.

Well...it's Tuesday 04:00am and I feel like a zombie, haven't slept in days.  

You know, those nightmares are becoming more and more prominent. Scarier too. 

"I don't think I want to board this train!" "But, I don't quite understand?" "Get me out of here!"

- The same four walls of my bedroom, it's 4am and I am still awake, I have to be up in two hours. My xBox is still on, buzzing unhealthily. Phones flashing 'low battery' - Like I care? I have been running on nothing for days. My eyes are heavy and they draw themselves closed... there's the shadow, I watch for a bit, wait for him to move, my breathing gets slower, deeper. I walk towards him and before I know it, my eyes are adjusting to the light from my tired TV once again. It's like he has a defibrillator and he keeps shocking me awake. Why won't he let me sleep? Why can't I sleep, I don't want to breathe and I don't want to leave the same four walls. My sanctuary. I fiddle with a pack of little green pills - Ha, as if these will solve all my problems. I've not been taking them for as long as I haven't been sleeping, addictions are dangerous things. My eyes are welling again. Is crying meant to be this draining, painful almost? I can't move, I barely blink as my cheeks become wet with black scratches. Stupid mascara. Stupid eyeliner. So where does it go from here? I sleep...I wake up shaking, sweating, crying and screaming inside. I stay awake, punishing myself, protecting myself and still screaming inside. - I'm losing this game...I don't like it. 

- Thea Challenger

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People always look at me weird whether I'm carrying a plastic sword or not!

Thea Challenger

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He is so beautiful. It's mad. Hehe. (Mad Hatter from SyFy's Alice) 

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Okay, so Pandas know exactly what I'm thinking...?

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I'll just go home then shall I? :(

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Oh my dear lord. Whoever did this is a mastermind. Actually had a laughing fit.

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So wheres my apocalyptic bunny for the end of the earth? Please tell me I get an apocalyptic bunny!?