june-abstruse

[june-abstruse]

“I never wanted to survive you.”

- S. C. C.

[june-abstruse]

i kept myself apathetic, such that when i finally wanted something, i wanted it with my whole body and every strung thought in my mind wrapped around it, and it was so intense i was sure there was something desperately bad about me, or that i was dying -- or finally living.

[june-abstruse]

ive been in pieces for so long ….

[june-abstruse]

what the hell am i chasing? a ghost? my own heart?

[june-abstruse]

I must have a large stomach for my weaknesses

[june-abstruse]

hello! how on earth do people survive their first WLW breakup?

[june-abstruse]

she will never see me write my book

she won’t be there

[june-abstruse]

[june-abstruse]

you’re so amazing to so many people, and you hurt me beyond all my comprehension, and I sit here, and I don’t know what to do about it. you are the brightest light, and you wounded me so fatally i still cry about it now. you made me feel so loved, and now i just sit frozen in pain. and it’s a singular experience, you’re the brightest light, and i am my own scar. you didn’t mean to, now i just sit here like your only mistake. the sun shines for you but you turned me over and now i sit crouched in pain, and you continue to spread love and joy. me, your only dear friend, your evil one, the only one who could hate you, the one who was supposed to love you. and you’ll just move on. and i will sit here in pain for something you did that wronged me.

[june-abstruse]

I freeze myself to keep it permanent. I freeze love and put it solid and cold in a tupperware and it sits there in my refrigerator like an unborn baby. I kill things like roses and her smile and her texts and then I cover them with cloth for the reveal before dinner. We don’t eat love on Sundays, we only look at it and wait for it to dissipate. Love goes to work on Monday. It absorbs all my sins and then it takes the tube, and goes far away from me. Nothing is permanent. This is a game I play with myself. Love doesn’t stay for me. Not that I’ve seen.

[june-abstruse]

there’s no anatomy to grief, to love, to anything that matters. at least nothing we can explain. in the visible world, there is no visible love, there are only actors moving one way or the other.

[june-abstruse]

Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run

[june-abstruse]

- j (x)

[june-abstruse]

The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

[june-abstruse]

- j (x)

[june-abstruse]

Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace