julyanpolis-blog

[julyanpolis-blog]

rainy days make me sad.

hello! it doesnt even make sense for me to type here anymore. after all, the school year has ended, meaning this account meant as a requirement, is to be abandoned. but for some reason, i just felt melancholic and remembered that i had this blog. and im reluctant to let this go. so might as well make it a piggy bank for my cents!

rainy days make me sad. i know this doesnt only apply to me. many people have this feeling i have when the rain pours: sad, lonely, depressed, empty. i think it’s due to my body having been conditioned.

because during the school year, when i’m sad it mostly rains. when i’m stressed, it rains. when i have a fight with my friends, it rains. when i argue with my family, it rains. when i get low scores, it rains. when i feel like dying,

the skies cry with me.

so it’s justified; my depressing feelings for when it rains. how i hate the misty cold it brings, with its strong scent and dim sky, i hate it when my chest tightens and i find it difficult to breathe, when i remember stuff of the past that i really should move past on.

it’s summer, and it’s raining. 

and what a coincidence: i’m sad, too.

these past two months, i have done nothing but break down a lot. it hurts knowing that no matter how much i cry, speak up, voice out my thoughts, nothing will happen.

for my opinions are invalid.

it hurts knowing that my dreams are invalid for the two who should be supporting them the most. it hurts knowing that for my family, i am nothing but a speck of dust who shouldn’t open its mouth... wait, dusts don’t have mouths. and it’s exactly what i feel i am right now lol it’s a perfect description.

i hate it. i never went out of my way to be a bad daughter. i never disobeyed them on purpose. i lived my life struggling to meet their expectations. and if i disappoint them? the amount of shame i receive is unbearable.

 but if they disappoint you? it’s not their fault. instead, it’s your fault from expecting from them.

what genius logic.

i’m so sick and tired of it.

i feel like dying.

i want to die, actually.

and when they knew that those were my thoughts?

they had the audacity to shame me for these thoughts.

scolding me, telling me that i do not love them enough, and me, thinking these suicidal thoughts are what “kills” them.

all right.

fuck you all, then.

it feels so, so constricting,

you can’t even feel sad.

you can’t cry.

you can’t disobey,

because then you’re a bad child.

fuck, really.

everything i do, every step i take every breath that i make, i need to be cautious of their feelings because they are “depressed and want to die because i am insensitive and do not listen to them”.

okay.

fuck, really.

every decision i make, i think about them. i study hard, i disregard what my heart screams for because i listen to them. my every path is decide by them.

where did i lack? where did i go wrong? is that not listening enough? am i really that mean and worthless when all my life, i gave up for you?

i... never asked to be born.

why do i have to feel this? why do i have to be this sad?

what did i do to deserve this?

i’m tired. i’m tired of being silenced. i’m tired. i’m tired. i’m tired.

i’m so fcking tired.

--

i’m sorry. it’s raining and i feel like ranting today.

let’s hope that i have  next entry lol. let’s hope it’s a happy entry, and that i am actually able to write another entry.

 please make the rain stop.

052619

[julyanpolis-blog]

satisfied.

we didn’t win.

but we definitely did not lose.

hehe.

we did our best. our performance was nice for me. I personally have really high standards and I am an annoying perfectionist. but I liked the effort put into it!

I also threw away my dignity lmao. my throat hurts. me and my best friend were supposed to cry our throats out (we did). and there was another scene where we played as Muslims who get discriminated to show one of the issues seen in Florante at Laura, which is the conflict between religions. my crying face was ugly. I knew it. lol. 

and the moment we stepped down on the stage, I knew we weren’t going to win. but. still.

two of m teachers praised my acting, so a tiny fraction of my dignity was restored GAGAGSUW.

we have a kadsa congress tomorrow. i’m going to pack for it now. ciao! I hope it’ll be fun.

-ju

083018

[julyanpolis-blog]

set.

we did nothing much at school today! some teachers were present in the morning, but what took most of our time was the practice for our performance for the buwan ng wika contest. lol. my throat hurts! I was a kinda-semi-director?? yeah. I proposed a lot of cheesy stuff. but they didn’t change it... urgGgGhHH.pls change it ;;;w;;; it’s so cringey i’m going bald. 

I hope we do well! i’m not expecting for us to be the best or for us to win. I just want to present something nice, neatly.

I hope we get a high grade for our performance xD

bye i’m going to fix our script and prepare my costume ehehe.

-ju

082918

[julyanpolis-blog]

discomfort.

I can’t believe that I actually look forward to coming to school. I mean, yeah. I didn’t like coming home. if possible, I won’t go home unless they’re asleep already. but a strict family does not really allow that?

I wanted to hug and get comfort from my best friend today but she’s absent ugHghGHHhh

I miss her :///////

why is her body clock nonexistent :///

I don’t want to do schoolworks :///

I haven’t even started on my seatwork for medlit :D dammit.

we have a contest on thursday and I am expecting our .. absence of success, but uwu I hope we won’t lose. it’s bad to just expect it. there’s always that tiny speck of hope! we should hold on to.

I need to study for entrance exams soon ;-; but when will time permit?? ;-;

i’m not allowed to draw for now :/ my mom told me I can’t unless exams are over.

i’m reading webtoons tho. i’m happy that Out of Control is free on Lezhin at the moment :DD I loved it more than I expected myself to like it.

someday, i’ll draw as well!

(yes, I am not expecting myself to pass upcat ;))

-ju

082818

[julyanpolis-blog]

scroll.

I DID NOTHING BUT READ WEBTOON ALL DAY LONG.

and also rush my peta for cl in the morning.

the deadline was 12 pm.

I sent it at 12 pm.

#IDidn’tChooseTheRoughieLifeManItChoseMe

I sent an email to my teacher stating that I may pass it at a later time. because. stuff happens at home. and really. it’s hard to be optimistic all the time? moreso when your family isn’t that of a family anymore haha.

it’s hard to stay smiling when i’m this -->. close to punching every single one of them.

I wanted to go out of the house. maybe i will after things die down.

it’s toxic and sickening here ugh.

-ju

082718

[julyanpolis-blog]

comeback.

i just realized that there are no classes tomorrow??? xD

that’s fun uwu

also have I mentioned?? the kpop group I liked has had their comeback :D I thought it was fresh. very weird. and at first, I wasn't that into the song but i liked it better now when you get used to it! it’s cute. everyone was cute. uwu!

also jin’s epiphany ;-;; where are my tissues wait I can’t type with blurry eyes ;-;;;;;

i’m just kind of disappointed that this cb, which had already started to break many records, were not to be promoted. I mean, really. it’s their company’s choice but. still.

also, why does it have to be that when it’s jintro that this happens ;-;

unfair.

-ju

082618

[julyanpolis-blog]

daze.

it’s saturday, laundry day, a boring day, I want to go out day, but I have no money day.

i’m staring off into space :o

but i’m not receiving any enlightenment?? I can feel my brain getting muddier??? gah. webtoons make me happy tho. and drawing. drawing makes me happy ;-;.

the list of things making me happy is getting shorter by the day and I don’t like it one bit :(((

also?? is it that weird to have only visited the dentist once in my life?? I also don’t go to the doctors. and I haven’t had any serious injuries until now. i’m a perfectly overhealthy person.

kek. 

envy me.

-ju 

082518

[julyanpolis-blog]

free.

woohooo! it’s a long weekend free of homework :)

but i’m still doing my sisters’ stuff :(

I hope I can find time to study! but... I also have this long list of webtoons to read...……

rest? study?? let’s hope I can find time for both??

but I shall fulfill my first need: sleep.

good night

-ju

082418

[julyanpolis-blog]

debt.

jajajjsjajjjajajja

I don’t know what to type.

I bought my sister a bts poster. she took mine as well! the audacity!

I saw my best friend’s blog post saying that she owes me money xD no wonder i’m broke xDDD I have lent a few people money. but if you add all of those up, it’s a lot, I guess??

there’s no classes tomorrow! there are lots of stores near our house, as our house is near the fiesta.

I also bought a jeje cap. I don’t know, I just felt like buying one HSHSAUDHGQWUBDQ

all hail jeje caps.

-ju

082318

[julyanpolis-blog]

schedule.

so I am rethinking my sleeping habits.

i’m thinking of changing my routine to make me more?? fresh at school?? i’m thinking of sleeping always. my minimum should be 5 hours of sleep. if possible. i’d also like to study for at least 30 minutes a day for exams. but I don’t think I can achieve that anytime soon. but damn, upcat is here?? i’m getting stressed HSHSHHS

but i’m not doing anything about it! \(\”)/

we didn’t do much at school? it’s still the post-exam, stress-free period xD

-ju

082218

[julyanpolis-blog]

do.

no classes?? I read webtoons and did my siblings’ projects :) i’m the youngest why am I doing this. I should be the one helped hewre :(

also I lack certain skills? I realized, as I am rushing my performance tasks :D to be passed tomorrow. I still have a lot of skills I lack and I can improve but... really, where’s time when I need it?? lmao rip. its technically august 22, 4:30 am. but the night still seems fresh to me. I mean, I woke up at 3 pm so.

i’m gonna sleep at school...

-ju

082118

[julyanpolis-blog]

re-

checking of examsz. I hate it. HAHAHA

my scores weren’t impressive. but what did I expect????? it’s irrational for me to hope for high scores when I barely glanced at my books ;-; 

and! there are almost no stuff to do? just recording here and there. the usual post-exam stress-free period. I like it. i’m gonna draw. if my mom isn’t around. aaaaaaaaaaaa I wanna get rich soon :(

lmao i’m just meeting my 5 sentences minimum per day xD

-ju

082018

[julyanpolis-blog]

awaited.

it’s sunday. i’m sleeping all day long. sleeping schedule what? I only know nearing death.

uhhhhh. yeah. i’m not hoping for high scores? no wait, just kidding I am. 

I know I did not study so, i’ll embrace it all lol

and apparently??? chrome is being a turd, heck, the infamous internet explorer was WAY faster than this slowpoke.

I lost my entry. yes. i’m pissed. I don’t know whose fault it is, the internet connection, the browser, or the website, but I hate it.

it really decreases you motivation to work. my motivation right now is like, from a scale of 1 to 10...

its -28

yeah.

I don’t know what to say?? I don’t have any realizationsz.

good night!

-ju ..:* 

081918

[julyanpolis-blog]

attempt.

I like seeing people try.

like.

it’s cute lol.

I like seeing people working hard like??? omg good luck, man.

of course me being a low person, will feel envious at times, but! really. at the end of the day i’d admire you. i am a sap at the littlest, random things xD.

you’re studying hard? good for you. you finished your artwork? good job! you’re giving your all for your projects? wow. you’re actually trying to understand me and my antics during groupworks and not get upset easily at every little criticism? thank you.

actually try to correct me if i’m wrong and not talk behind my back? you’re the best, man. kudos to you.

yeah. people like those deserve praises xD I can’t be handled easily but i’m still human, and I try to understand, too. i know that i am not the center of the world. sorry if it’s not as obvious as you want it to be. you can tell me to try to be understanding! really.

but try to look for the things you want me to have in yourself first before approaching me, yeah?

--

exams are over. i hope i’m not that disappointed with myself lol. when will I study properly...

-ju

081819

[julyanpolis-blog]

fried-day.

it’s friday!

dammit!

i regret not studying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i haven’t answered anything proper in my exams earlier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am still not studying!!!!!!!!!

there’s so many things to study :((((((((((((

my brain feels fried??? i am not capable of thinking anymore, man.

also!! rip my sleep schedule.

no wonder i always get nightmares xD.

my brother also asked me why I won’t attach pictures on my blog posts.

weeellllllll, I am too lazy to. lmao. maybe when I am motivated??

-ju

081718

[julyanpolis-blog]

strive.

it’s the second day for exams???? 2 more to go??? my golly???

i am so exhausted already. but live on! yeah. live on.

;-;

there’s... i don’t know. there’s this real fatigue hanging over me everyday. even if i get 8 hours of sleep, i still feel tired. it doesn’t stop. no matter how much i rest. it’s there. should i be worried? i’m worried. am i okay?????? i should be okay. i can’t be not okay. i’ll be an even more burden.

i don’t want to study.

-ju

081618

[julyanpolis-blog]

ch(e)at.

it’s evening. i slept through the whole afternoon! exams suck if you didn’t study. lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

huhu

ok.. yeah. what else.

i’m writing notes atm.

there were a lot of cheating students. yikes. if i was their adviser, i would’ve already sent them to the pos office the moment i saw them exchange answers!

i also spent a lot of money on food :D

wise decisions were clearly not made. 

-ju

081518