juliawrites-fiction

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 8 Devil doesn't Bargin~

Thoughts of yesterday flooded my mind since the moment I woke up. My second thought was how much my head hurt. And it was reasonable to believe I still had a slight bit of liquor in me. I was completely right about being grounded for months on end. However I didn't mind. I deserved it and I deserved the yelling and the disappointment. I was kinda content with the outcome, that might be hungover me talking but I was okay with being homebound. It benefited me last time. Ellie hadn't met me at my locker this morning. That did bother me. She wasn't within the crowd of high schoolers or at the locker with her brunette friend. She was just gone. I assume maybe she just needed the day but it still worried me.

"I can't believe that my dad is making us write so much on our essay it's the beginning of the school year," Riley continued to rant. And she will continue to rant until we were heading home. I showed mild interest as I grabbed my books from my locker, because my mind wasn't on the long hours I would need to spend on the many pages of an essay I cared little about. No, my mind was back in front of raven when my lips were locked with someone I hardly knew. Surprising only because Riley was around and normally my mind would travel to the fury and rage on the ending of that chapter. I'm thankful to be lost in raven's lips. And especially thankful to be lost in her words. The flavors of women was something I never considered. When I thought about relationships I only thought of one. But Raven had shown me that couldn't possibly be true with the many, many possibilities out there. I followed Riley into first period. Sat in my seat, took out my books. Where was Ellie... I wanted to be lost in the happenings of yesterday but it was hard when I felt as though a very crucial piece of my day was missing. I clenched my jaw and gazed over today's subject written in sloppy handwriting on the whiteboard. She had actually just disappeared as if she was nothing but an imaginary friend. And when I faced detention today (thank you mom) I was going to be in a seat by myself, just me and Matthews. I glanced over to him preparing his computer for his lesson. Maybe he knew where the brunette had disappeared to. I came to the conclusion I'd be questioning him this afternoon. Maybe Ellie was here but avoiding me. That was something that hadn't crossed my mind until now. With Mr. Matthews's back turned I dared a glance at my phone. Not a single text. I couldn't think of a reason she would be upset with me.

I started to bounce my foot as each racing though competed for the front. Did she know I went to the party? Did she know I was grounded for possibly life? Did she know about Raven? No Raven wouldn't have upset her, in fact if anything Ellie of all people would have been happy I was with someone other than Riley.

Riley, she hadn't heard about the party. I made Matthews swear to keep my adventure strictly between me, him, and my parents. Although I wish I could gloat about the wonderful exchange I had. I wanted to see the shock and angry expression form on her face. Maybe it was wrong of me, but sometimes I thought she did the things she did with Lucas merely to rub it in my face. And it worked every single time. Maybe I should tell her..

"Maya?" A poke at my shoulder brought me back, "the bell?" Matthews pointed to the door.

I furrowed my brows and glanced at the clock so lost in my thoughts the 40 minutes had passed and I was sitting in a cleared class room. I folded my book apologizing.

"Are you doing okay?" He asked

"I'm fine," I responded. I scurried to get my bag from the floor, I stood throwing it across my shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Maybe it was the pulsating headache, and maybe it was simply because the question had been asked far too many times. I turned, "Why do you keep asking that?" I snapped.

He twisted his face in shock at a loss for words.

"I'm alright, just because I chose to finally stop living in the footsteps of you daughter, doesn't mean I'm having some sort of midlife crisis,"

"I-I wasn't -"

"I'm fine," I interrupted, and I continued out the door. Now I admit maybe I was slightly too harsh. But for some reason it had been too much. I hit my locker and angrily twisted in the combination. I pulled it and threw the door open. Then I dared to look over my shoulder. Ellie was in the midst of shutting her locker and walking to her next class. I clenched my jaw so hard It stung my aching brain. I ground my teeth then snapped my locker closed again not bothering to lock it and not bothering to grab the things I needed for the next class. If she wanted to be angry or upset with me fine. I had grown used to being left until I was a convenience. I certainly didn't need her nor did I need Riley, in fact I had grown tired of her mimicking her father's questions, and she was the one who knew the problem. I dipped into the bathroom ignoring the last bell. I pulled a medium sized bottle I stuffed in my bag. When my mom had fully searched my room for any contraband I needed somewhere to tuck my stolen liquor bottle. This one was a souvenir from last night's adventure provided by none other than Raven herself. I had grown a liking to Crown Royal and she thought I deserved it knowing the full punishment I would receive when she drove me home.

"Thank you Raven," I murmured blessing the bottle against my forehead before twisting the cap and gulping what I could handle of the vanilla flavored fire. Almost immediately my head cleared and almost immediately my cheeks were flaring. I sat in that stall until the bottle was at its halfway point, and that is when the third period bell rang. I think it was the third period bell. When I stood I braced myself against the walls of the stall suddenly feeling everything all at once far more than my seat on the toilet. My legs were numb from loss of circulation. I inhaled and exhaled I tucked the bottle safely back into my bag and dug for my heart shaped shades in the front pocket.

"Aha" I exclaimed settling them on my face. Carefully I positioned my backpack then I was ready for chemistry. It took a slightly longer time to hit the slide of the stall. When I stumbled out I was standing behind two blonde cheerleaders who were gawking at me in sheer disappointment. I smiled brightly before making my way out of the bathroom.

My body now felt like a furnace, and on an empty stomach my guts felt like flipping. Did I care? Suddenly my mind was empty, no racing thoughts.

I took my seat in confidence hardly noticing Ellie tapping her pencil behind me. My backpack hit the ground far harder than expected.

"Sorry," I whispered to no one in particular as I slid onto my stool. I folded my hands over the tabletop squinting at the words on the board. I could only make out test prep. The rest were swirling.

"Are you alright Maya?" The words rolled off better than they had earlier. In fact I ignored them altogether.

"Yeah" I laughed to myself, possibly to myself. My face was numb to the core as were my fingers they could hardly dig through my bag for what I needed. I pulled out a notebook and my pencil flipped to the middle. And wrote. I had no clue what I was doing nor why I was doing it however it captured my attention and it was at least semi close to what we were supposed to be doing. The presence beside me didn't break my focus.

"Maya?"

"What?" I responded bubbly but possibly laced with frustration. How could she have ignored me as if we had never met.

"You're drunk" she responded, I smiled at her lowering my shades. I pressed a finger to my lips to shoosh her before someone heard.

"What are you doing..." She glanced around almost scared looking.

"Why do you care" Share I had accidentally said share not care "Care" I repeated repositioning my shades.

"Because this is a new one for you" I narrowed my brows

" You don't know me" I replied returning to my notebook.

"Actually I do, I know that maya-" she snatched my notebook making me look back to her, "Would never get shit faced by third period,"

"Well this Maya-" I snatched back my notebook, "No longer gives a shit what you think," she looked hurt. She closes her eyes like she was bracing for a punch but it never came.

"Are you upset with me?" She questioned searching for a reason.

"Yes I am," I retorted writing in my notebook once again.

"Do I get to know why?" She stared curious and was genuinely confused. That angered me she knew about the change in the routine she knew she was supposed to meet me at my locker.

"Sure," I closed my notebook, and took off my shades, "Because you've decided I'm no longer worth your time," I was over reacting but for some reason I was so furious I couldn't place a legitimate reason.

She perked a brow "Yeah?"

"Yeah" I answered with fire.

"What made you draw that conclusion?" I stood the stool hitting the floor loudly, I'm so tired. I was tired and angry and now an overwhelming sense of sadness was controlling the bridge of my nose.

"You're just like her," I declared watching her eyes as if they were brown. Like the brown I hated so badly.

"Miss hart," Mr. Williams warned.

"You are just like Riley,"

"You can be mad," she responded, "You can let it out"

"You use and-and steal my time and you made me grow so attached, that I have no clue what to do without you," I was crying possibly crying my face was so numb I couldn't tell if I was making sense.

"Maya..." What made me do it.. I want to believe it's the liquor flaming my body. I wasn't actually angry at Ellie I knew I just wanted to be angry. My fist slammed against her jaw, and while her head hardly flinched my hand was shocked with pain.

"Miss Hart! Principles office! Now"

"I hate you!" I screamed again not towards Ellie but it was words streaming from my chest, "I hate you!"

She stared at me so hurt, in a way Riley hadn't which is when I remembered Riley wasn't in front of me. I wiped my tears with my aching hand and gripped my backpack.

~

My leg was bouncing uncontrollably I started at the clock above the whiteboard avoiding any eye contact with Matthews, and most certainly not looking behind me to Ellie. When I had stepped into detention Ellie was already seated with ice against her now deeply bruised jaw.

Matthews was looking between us, silent, he hadn't said a single word.

I clicked my tongue simply to make sure it was still there the whiskey had eased its hold and still my brain was foggy and I wanted more than anything to lay down. It was amazing the principal hadn't smelled it on my breath. When I had left the office I wanted to give myself a round of applause for playing sober so well. I walked right into a three day suspension. the only reason I wasn't home was because both my mom and Shawn were far too busy to pick me up and told the principal they would deal with me the second I returned home.

"Maya do you care to explain what all of this is about?" Matthews spoke finally.

"No" I responded brashly.

"It's about your daughter," Ellie chimed in. I snapped behind me with pursed lips, with no words I expressed her dire need to shut up.

"What does Riley have to do with this?" He asked, I kept my eyes on Ellie.

"Everything," she responded despite my stare.

"Isn't detention supposed to be quiet," I reminded harshly turning back in my seat.

"I was only answering the question," I inhaled sharply and continued bouncing my leg. I really need a nap.

"You really should teach your daughter some class," Ellie continued.

"Shut up," I snapped.

"Or what? you're gonna take it out on me again?" She retorted.

"What is she talking about Maya?" I shook my head in response and glanced at the clock, we still had fifteen damn more minutes. I shook my leg with more intensity. I shrugged and locked eyes with him.

"He doesn't know?" Ellie continued.

My cheeks were flaring with anger I could hardly breathe. I had promised to keep it from him I promised Riley I would keep it just between us. However in this moment I wanted him to know how much pain I was in. How deeply I was suffering and how it never seemed to end because I had to keep seeing them. I heaved a deep breath before speaking.

"No Matthews is unaware his daughter is a cheating whore," I wished now for sobriety. I needed a filter and though the words felt nice rolling off my lips the shock in Matthews face made me wish to take it back. Ellie was silent now. Probably sensing the amount of tension that now sat right between me and Matthews.

"What are you talking about.." he asked looking for an answer.

God why was time moving so slow. I started to bounce both legs alternating between the two as I spoke my next words very carefully.

"Riley-.. cheated on me, that's why we broke up," I spoke slowly, it had been a long time since I spoke those words. And it was almost like the realization of it just settled. Closure like telling Matthews. I didn't look this time at his reaction. No, I was trying to fight any tears that were threatening to come through.

"She said you guys were better friends-" he stuttered in disbelief. I grabbed my bag off the floor dismissing myself uncaring of the consequences. I knew Riley had to have sold some serious bullshit to get Matthews off her back but saying we were better friends was so far from the truth it hurt.

"Well surprise, Matthews, she lied," I finished, I swiped a hand over his desk before heading to the door I was expecting some sort of interjection. But I got nothing. I wanted to keep going in fact I might have if I didn't have to focus so hard walking straight. I gave a one hand salute before taking off out the door.

~

I now leaned out the window with a cigarette between my fingers. Grey clouds had settled across the sky of Manhattan. The air was crisp and soothed my throbbing hand. I could hardly close it into a fist. Bruised to hell, although it looked far better than Ellie's jaw. I inhaled a large breath of smoke. And with the exhaled I apologized. I hadn't meant to take my wrath out on Ellie like that. She definitely didn't deserve it. I put the butt of my cig out on the fire escape and closed the window. I took my spot on the bed. I could still hear mom on the phone. She was talking with Matthews, the speaker actually where Shawn could hear it. They were talking about today's conversation. I should have kept my mouth closed, and to be fair so should have Ellie. For months this had been my secret. As much as it was destroying me, it was mine and Riley's secret. And Riley was gonna kill me... Or possibly never talk to me again. No maybe it wasn't so bad but I just punched my friend in the face so I really had no one left. My mom glanced through the doorframe right at me with a saddened expression on her face. Her cheeks were flooded with tears and Shawn leaned over the counter with his head down and clenched fist. I bit my cheek before laying down on the bed. With no phone I curled into a ball. I had been waiting for this moment to close my eyes all day. And when rest pulled at me I closed my eyes.

I lurched up panting heavily looking to my window at the sound. I debated on moving but fear kept me in place as I examined my surroundings. My light was off and the door was shut. I took huge inhales trying to calm my racing heart.

"Maya it's raining please let me in" it was muffled and still I knew that voice it was the last one I expected to hear outside the pane. I tossed the blanket that was over me to the side. And tip toed to the window. I threw open the curtains to Ellie drenched in rain. Her jaw was so swollen I winced slightly.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered exasperated as I opened the window for her. She pushed inside as if she had done it a million times. And landed on the floor slightly louder than I was anticipating.

"I came to get an apology- wow it's dark in here," she pulled off her hood and started stripping off her jacket. Her lips quivered slightly. I shut the window and hurried to my dresser.

"Well I'm sorry about your jaw," I answered digging for a tee she could replace with her soaked one.

"Well I accept your apology," she answered looking around taking in the sight of the mess and the clutter.

"Now what are you doing here?" I asked again

She took the tee and mouthed a thank you as she tucked it into a chest. I twisted on a lamp and turned my back so she could change.

"You got a few days off from school?" I scoffed in response.

"I didn't get them on purpose," I crossed my arms waiting a few seconds.

"Well regardless you have the rest of the week off, can I add getting suspended on a Wednesday was genius,"

I rolled my eyes and twisted on my heel right as the shirt settled above her hips. I bowed sarcastically sitting back on my lumpy mattress.

"Your point?"

"Dad needs help on the farm," she added.

"My parents are not gonna let me leave this house," Ellie considered this before she caught sight of my hand. She kneeled taking it into her incredibly gentle hands and examined the damage as if it hadn't been the same hand that made contact earlier today.

"Have you put ice on this?" She twisted it softly looking over each knuckle with care. I had to take a deep breath. My stomach was twisting uneasy and the palpitations in my chest didn't help.

"My mom isn't gonna let me go Ellie, I'm in deep shit," Ellie stood and crept towards the door peeking beyond it quietly before pulling it open and disappearing into the dark. Another deep breath. If my parents caught her I'd be in worse shit. I heard shifting in the kitchen I looked to the clock and felt a lot better. Nine pm, my mom has her double at the diner, and Shawn was either deep asleep, at the diner, or with Matthews, yes we should still proceed with caution but at least I didn't need to work about them storming in here. Ellie reappeared shutting the door carrying a bag of ice. She kneeled back before me and just as tenderly as before placed the bag over my aching hand. I winced a little at the sudden pressure then held the bag myself as the pain subsided into the cold.

"Thank you" I whispered.

"I think your mom will reconsider," Ellie spoke back on topic now sitting cross legged on the hardwood floor.

"And why's that?" I asked locking eyes. Green, not brown, but a bright green, the color of spring grass.

"Well because dad always says the best discipline is work and we will indeed be working,"

I smiled slightly, no the idea of working on a farm didn't sound very fun at all, however spending the time necessary away from here and with Ellie eased a lot of pressure on my shoulders. Not to mention it would get me as far away from Riley as possible. I would lose the chance of her knocking on my door and screaming at me for saying what I did.

"Well if work is the best discipline then work I must," I responded. Ellie smiled too, even though she winced she her eyes still sparkled in the lamp light.

"I better take off before they wake up-"

"They won't-" I interjected quickly. A little too quickly, I believe it caught her off guard too, "I mean it's raining and you just changed, they will be in a hurry in the morning so they won't even notice," I defended, trying to hide my suggestion of her staying here. But she caught on and nodded in understanding, "I really am sorry about your face,"

"Better me then Riley, she would have cried like a bitch" she replied. I laughed slightly adjusting my spot on the bed so my feet were no longer touching the ground.

"Wait how did did you get the rest of the week off?" I asked suddenly remembering she too would have to disappear from school. Ellie scratched the back of her neck. And laughed, "Yeah while you were in the detention for lunch I kinda instigated a perfectly planed food fight," she replied in full honestly, "Dad wasn't so thrilled, which is why-"

"Work is the best discipline," we responded in sync, then laughed.

A couple minutes in silence I yawned and looked to her spot on the floor. My ice bag was all melted so I sat it on my bedside table and stood. I should have warned her before I slid my jeans off, however she adverted her gaze. I reached under the bed for a few blankets I had hidden for the snow to come and created a snuggly pallet on the floor. With a pillow on top I climbed into bed. I listened as Ellie shuffled to turn off the lamp and crawl into her makeshift bed.

"Good night Williams," I whispered into the dark.

"Good night Hart," she whispered back.

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 7: Boyfriend~

~NSFW Warning: This chapter is for 18+ audiences. Read at your own discretion or skip the chapter.~ Thanks for reading!

Jackson's was packed as predicted. And I was able to meander the crowd without raising any questions. Though I did have several confused looks. I couldn't tell if they were trying to remember my name, or wondering where Riley was. But when I shifted through the many bottles lined on the marble counter no questions we asked. I poured a random concoction of anything with a high alcohol percentage and poured until the cup was full with hopes I wouldn't need to return for any refills. I held the cup close to my chest as if it were an anchor. And swallowed the liquid fire, indulging in the pain of it hitting an empty stomach, hoping it might work a little faster. My mom and Shawn were gonna kill me the second they saw me. My phone sat turned off in my pocket which would only add to the furry when I did return home. As of right now, that wasn't a concern of mine. The worst they would do was ground me. But with the amount of boredom that persisted in my life, loosing my phone wasn't really losing much of anything. They could take Riley and my friends, they were mostly absent as it is. I wasn't scared of my mom's disappointment or Shawn's worry. It would fade after a while. I didn't realize how nice it was to be away from Riley until now. I didn't have to look over and see her leaning into Lucas. I didn't have to wonder where Farkle and Isadora wandered off to. I didn't have to watch Zae fail with the closest female to him. It was nice to just lean against the doorway and watch past the glass doors at the campfire ignited. Shirtless football players testing each other's limits shoving one another towards the fire and throwing their heads back in laughter. One tanned and the toned boy held a tattooed girl on his lap. Her hands embraced his chin, hands entangled in her curly and short brunette bob. I tilted my head watching them suck face. Not in a weird way, only with mild curiosity. I wondered if they knew each other or had just met. They kissed as if nobody was watching like they were alone in the world. Almost like how I kissed Riley. I wondered if it was easy to kiss someone you had never met. Though if you don't know them I knew a kiss could be so intense you wanted to know them more. I witnessed it every time I went to a party. Strangers holding each other against the walls with the only feeling between them being lips and passion.

I wish I could know what it was that drove Riley to kiss Lucas despite everything. I wish I could know so I could move on in the same way. The urge to have a cigarette filled me like a breath. I placed my cup onto the counter and with a slight tingle in my legs, I treaded through the glass doors. Pulling the pack from my back pocket eyes still on the couple only breaking my gaze to not raise any questions. The first fill of nicotine lightened my head but eased my tension. Almost like I had popped a bone in my body that desperately needed it. I let my body relax and rolled my shoulders back into another drag. It would suck not being able to talk to Ellie for a while. She was the only true escape I could count on. A second of laughs erased a lot of the worry in my mind. And she was so gentle.

My thoughts flew from me as a pack of boys and girls passed me to head towards the fire. Some even turned their heads to have another glance at me. I wished it did something for me other than completely disgust me. I pinched my lips and looked to the ground until they were ahead enough to look back at the entranced couple. Something in my body started to crave that closeness to be held and to be so lost in connection the world faded. My body was starting to ignite. And the numbness in my legs spread to my feet and my cheeks. The benefits to drinking it straight despite the gaging sensation. It worked far faster.

When the couple split I didn't realize I had locked eyes with the girl he was holding until it was too late. With a devilish smile at me, she whispered something in his ear and then climbed from his lap. Suddenly my cheeks were replaced with a temperature. She waved me over I checked behind me to make sure it wasn't actually somebody else. But I was the only one anywhere in the vicinity. "Fuck," I mumbled under my breath pulling in another inhale before putting the butt out with my heel. Despite something in my gut telling me not to, I went towards them. Filling myself with a sort of fake confidence, I hadn't had to pretend like I wasn't scared in a long time.

"Hey," she grinned, a glimmer of wickedness creasing her lips in a way that heated my body up like a furnace. Her boyfriend stood to wrap his arm around her. A possessiveness I never understood.

"Maya? I didn't know you were a weekday partier?" Drake also wrapped his arm around the girl. Leaving me feeling small, and foolish.

"Only on Tuesday" I responded really feeling the liquor soak my lips.

"Party on my friend," I wouldn't have known he was drunk until the sentence, he raised a liquor bottle in salutation and chugged. I watched his throat bob as he swallowed imagining the fire steaming down his throat.

"Where's your counterpart," another girl asked, the blonde wrapping her arm around Drake's waist and placing a hand atop his chest. Also very possessive.

"I think it's about the time she studies," I responded glancing at my naked wrist as if to check the time. Both girls smiled obviously noticing.

"We should play spin the bottle it's only balanced with 5 girls are you in?" The brunette asked grabbing a hold of her boyfriend's hand and squeezing it. Spin the bottle, a game I had only ever witnessed in short glances. An excuse for people to try other lips, and a male sex trap. I really needed another cigarette.

They had placed an empty tequila bottle in the center of a wooden table littered with beer bottles. Michael, a jock no longer wearing his jersey carried red solo cups for every player at the table and dispersed them. Knowing very clearly my own rules about drinking on occasions like this I simply slid mine aside. "Alright everyone knows the rules!" Drake shouted as if suddenly turning into a game show host, "Everyone is allowed one pass," he directed our gaze to the yellow stained whiteboard on the wall behind us with our names written in blue, "And make it hot or take the shot," he smiled grabbing a hold of the bottle in the center. My heart was racing no longer soothed by liquor. If I had known how serious this was played I wouldn't have even approached them. He twisted the clear bottle with intensity. And as it spun I realized I was no longer concaved with fear. As it spun I was actually trying to remember the last time I had locked lips with anyone. The bottle landed on Jenny one of the goth art students I sat beside in painting. I would have never imagined her here. But when I watched her spin to pick her match I realized how the scene fit her. The bottle landed on the tattooed girl's boyfriend Jessie, who weirdly smiled and glanced at his girl as if asking for permission of some sort. But she didn't say anything. In fact, her eyes were on me across the table. Which I hadn't realized until now. Jenny gripped Jessie by the collar almost animal-like and when they kissed the table cheered them on. This was a sick perverted show. And normally I would've cared... If it hadn't been so long I might've.

Drake pushed them apart after a few seconds of intensity. Spit dripping as they separated.

"Put your dick back in your pants Jessie," Drake laughed gripping the bottle again, "Round Two!" The bottle spun everyone, but Raven, staring. The tequila bottle didn't break my gaze either. For some reason, the tattooed arms and the bob kept my eyes from leaving hers as well. The bottle fell onto the girl beside me I noticed Raven's chest slip almost in disappointment and maybe mine did too. Chrissy's blonde pony bounced as she grabbed the spinner and with enthusiasm, she spun.  It fell on Michael who wasted no time. He leaned and Chrissy did too, laying a knee over the table and supporting herself with her arms. A twinge of her skirt failed to cover her fully as she leaned and they locked. Michael reached for the pony and in a slight pull not only got a hold of her lips but her throat as well. Which created chaos of cheers from around us. "That's gonna be a tough one to beat," Drake laughed over the pair still making out and still causing a ruckus at the table.

I realized finally that I had far too little alcohol in my system to gain enough confidence to do even half of that. And I was gonna need to beat it in order to refrain from having to take the giant tequila shot sitting as blackmail. I drank what was given to me in a fatal swoop feeling a twinge as my stomach twisted in distaste. Luckily everyone was still enthralled with the show. When they split finally Drake again had the bottle "Rr- ound Three!" It spun and my heart fell as it landed on Raven. Her tattooed arms grabbed hold of the bottle determination lining her bold brown eyes. I unintentionally followed her grip up to her biceps, palms suddenly sweating and now feeling numbness all over, and aches in places I couldn't place. She spun and I eyed it on every rotation. The bottle fell on Jenny. The goth swooped up her long black hair into a ponytail. Both quickly slammed their hands onto the table and crawled toward each other. Table creaking under the weight. Boys started to whistle as Raven lightly wrapped fingers around her throat, Raven towered over her in a power that made my aches worse. Their kiss was far more intense than any others. I had to look away. Even as the crowd edged them on to continue. My lips and body throbbed and where the liquor sat it was starting to get hard to focus.

"Round Four!" Another spin and my heart relaxed as it fell on Chrissy once more. She smiled and gladly took the bottle on another spin. My heart could've stopped in fact I think it did when I saw it pointing to me. I could no longer breathe.

"I'm using a pass," Chrissy said nervously. With the way she smiled at me, I think it was for my sake.

"I'll steal, Chrissy takes the shot," Raven added from across. In an eruption of cheers, Raven stood making her way around the table suddenly the area quieted besides the music and the others carrying on with their own conversation.

Raven gripped my hand soft yet with a firmness I didn't expect. She forced me to stand. And wrapped two firm hands over my waist. I could've been in a puddle and I definitely did not know what to do. "Are you okay?" she whispered, hands gliding past my waist.

"Definitely," I whispered back,  her ruby red lips smirked and the floor was lost from below me. My butt hit the table, our heights now matched. I wrapped my arms around her neck and the kiss that followed almost made me buckle. My lips yet numb, could taste the hint of strawberries, and feel a pour of overwhelming warmth. Even as people cheered I felt lost and pulled away from the moment. I didn't want to stop and I almost couldn't. And when we ended our foreheads clashed and we both couldn't seem to catch our breath. My stomach twisted in warning that I needed to cool. I unraveled my arms ending the moment far too soon. And left the table as my saliva started to build. My throat threatened to release what it was holding I threw open the sliding glass door and took off into the dark well aware of the stares and responses I was leaving behind. And only when I was all alone, did I realize tears had built and were now streaming over my cheeks I had done well up until now forgetting what Riley had felt like. My stomach tossed I held my tummy as I emptied the contents inside still crying.

"Damn! Raven's so bad she made Maya puke," Drake shouted from behind me. Apparently, I hadn't run far enough.

"Shut up and go back inside!" Raven shouted back sounding far away. That just meant they had followed me out. I lurched again, my mouth tasting sour. Hands pulled my hair up and back. And into a ponytail. The same soft yet warm hands from earlier.

"Was I really that bad?" I heaved a breath filling my lungs to their capacity before answering. I was no longer swirling. And I could feel my toes again. Still, the bite of alcohol had a grip on me as I answered.

"No, you were really that good," I turned only enough to glance at her. She smiled.

"There's a bathroom back here" she pointed to the open gate leading to the pool.

Raven pressed a cool rag to my head unbothered by the situation in the slightest. I crinkled the bottle of water I was holding in nervousness starting to dreadfully sober up.

"Do you drink that much often?" She asked.

"No," I answered starting to slur my words feeling tiredness yank on my eyelids. Maybe I was just more sober than I was ten minutes ago, "But it was the only way I could play with you guys," she laughed at that.

"Yeah, it does get kinda intense," kinda was a severe understatement.

"It was really nice," I wished I had a filter right now. I wished I could shut myself up.

"Yeah?" She raised her brow in the way Ellie did.

I adjusted myself on the toilet seat to stop the starting tingling feeling in my legs. I think Raven noticed this cause she pulled back from me to sit on the floor and took my hand pulling me with her onto the tile "I haven't kissed anyone in a long time," I responded spreading my legs against the cool tiles.

"It's usually boys too I'd imagine," I shook my head the second she said it.

"Only a girl," Raven pressed the rag back to my forehead. Her expression seemed shocked almost so shocked I thought maybe I had said something else entirely.

"Just one?" She asked tilting her head. I suddenly felt embarrassed. Yeah, just one, and I had thought that one was going to be the only one. I thought from here on I was going to die alone, "I just mean there's a lot of different flavors of women," she elaborated. Shifting onto her knees, "You have cinnamon sugar," she continued pushing a strand of hair behind my ear, "The ones who you can smother and never feel suffocated, sweet and beautiful, kind and caring, you want to hold the world for them so there's nothing crushing their pretty little shoulders," she caressed the curve of my chin with a delicacy of glass.

"Or they taste of coke and rum, where maybe you should've stopped at the first time but they make your insides all tingly. You take soft sips only to feel the strength of the rum biting your tongue," her fingers wrapped gently around my throat, and I could hardly fill my chest, "They tend to be a little dangerous or adventurous," I clenched my jaw not able to get a word in. I swallowed now taking the time to speak, and when I did it was soft.

"Which flavor am I?" Raven stared at me with the same intensity as before, eyes seeming to glitter in the warm light. 

"I don't know yet," she answered fingers trailing over my collar bone as she adjusted above me, "Your sweet, yet addicting, when I saw you I knew I had to taste you," This time the feeling in my throat was harsh like I had forgotten what it was like to swallow, "It was tangy yet buttery, its a flavor I've never tasted before," I could've gotten lost in her words very easily. Then I remembered Jessie, the boy holding her.

"Aren't you with Jessie?" Raven's lips curled as she twisted my hair into a hair tie behind my shoulders. 

"We have an open relationship, sometimes we get very bored of each other. Trust me he was just as happy as I was when we kissed," The idea of that was hard to understand, especially with an easily discombobulated and messy brain. I couldn't imagine, but I wish I could be that brave, "Men don't have as many flavor combinations," she finished removing her hands from my hair, "My point is with a flavor like yours, don't settle for just one," in a weird way the comment was inspiring, and in a way, it made me feel slightly better about myself, and I felt that I no longer needed the boost of alcohol to make me press my palms against her thighs and lean in for a kiss. Because she was right girls did have flavors. Riley tasted milk and honey, a deadly combination of sweetness and sugar. She melted along my tongue and always made me beg for more. But milk goes sour after a while. Raven tasted of strawberries and whipped cream. Something I could indulge in just this once. Our lips hit gently at first then quickened after we had our fair sample. Her hands wrapped around my neck yet again only this one leaving a trail of flame along the nape of my neck. Her other hand hit my chest and lightly pushed me back, I might've made the first move but I knew from the nibbles along my lower lip I wasn't in control. I allowed her to guide me beneath her, suddenly feeling flustered and fragile. I allowed my fingers to explore the curves of her arms as she towered above me strong and powerful I allowed myself to feel little and dominated. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. The chirping of crickets laced with a choir of heavy breathing filled the small bathroom. My abdomen burned from holding itself against Raven's brutal and intense kisses. I almost caved until Raven's hands pulled my sequin coat off my shoulders. My back hit it harshly but the pain was nullified by the fierce press of her lips against mine. She let up, her eyes sliding from my breast bone back to my eyes. My clothes suddenly like weights. I've never been like this with anybody. Something in me told me I didn't want to be like this with just any stranger. My heart always seemed to get involved, if we kept going my feelings would intervene. Raven's lips hit the center of my sternum light as a feather, and brisk. My chest filled as if nicotine were inflating my lungs. And my chest locked no longer able to release the air. She continued up and up until her breath hit just behind my ear. This time I decided there would be no feelings. I knew nothing of Raven. And I might never see her again... and that was okay.

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Suggested Song / Inspiration for Chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 6: Traitor~

~authors note. |TRIGGER WARNING| this particular chapter depicts anxiety disorder, anxiety attacks, and upsetting thoughts. If you are struggling please reach out to someone. Someone is willing to listen ❤|

My eyes were soggy with the idea of sleep. The tattoo didn't get finished till two am this morning. And even then, sleep didn't appeal to me, when I made it to my bed. The burning kept me wide awake, and with the thrill of it, I couldn't bear to close my eyes. Instead, I stayed awake running my hand over the lines permanently resting on my upper shoulder.

Not only had Cat been an excellent tattoo artist, but she was also decent at hair as well. My blonde now sat right above my shoulders. Quite a bit of difference, but not enough to cause my friends a shock. I was excited to hear any compliments, excited for Riley to see a different me, someone other than the unkempt, messy bun. Baggy shirt, and overworn jeans.

Now, sitting in Mrs. Huck's algebra class, sleep was just a blink away. Despite my lack of sleep, I couldn't wipe the half-smile from my lips. Sleep deprivation didn't put a dent in the amount of newfound confidence. It gave me something I needed to tell Zae to catch a ride with someone else. I walked with Ellie to the train this morning. To top it off Riley didn't notice me and Ellie lounging by the lockers this morning. She was too busy chatting with Carly and Farkle, judging by the number of pages Riley had handed the both of them, it was without a doubt some report. My breath hitched in class when I remembered what Ellie had whispered in my ear the moment we caught sight of the three of them.

"I bet every one of her sentences in that thing, has an exclamation point," I laughed because it could have been true. And because Ellie's first impression of Riley was nothing but filled with exclamations. I knew Ellie wasn't a fan of her. Ellie has said multiple times. Not just because of what happened to me, she clarified on her walk this morning. Riley just wasn't the type of person she'd ever be around. Which was the first. Almost everyone adored Riley. Riley was the type of person to talk to you regardless of whether or not you'd talk back. She was the type to be kind and generous, despite not knowing a name. Outgoing, funny, and likable.

So what was it about me that appealed to Ellie? I'm introverted, if I'm not approached first I wouldn't have any friends at all. Sure I'm sarcastic, and funny to me, but it could be easily misconstrued as rude. There wasn't very much that stood out about me. My eyes were on the brink of closure. I laid my palm under my chin and shut them only for a second. The stinging was growing unbearable and I could no long-

"Maya!" Mrs. Huck was standing over me with a stern look on her face. The classroom was suddenly empty, "You seemed to have missed the bell," I swallowed and glanced at my unfinished test.

"And the class," I mumbled, See funny, I quickly twisted my lips. Knowing already what was next.

"Detention, Hart," she said simply. I nodded fully understanding the why. But not understanding my lack of filter. Gathering my belongings, I knew what would happen when I got home.

"Sensing some hostility," Ellie said, leaning back on the locker beside me. I too leaned on the locker clenching my jaw.

"I got detention," I replied brashly.

"To think I was going to ask what your plans after school was," Ellie said shaking her head.

"You're a bad influence," I said. I meant it slightly. Maybe she was the reason why it was getting harder to keep my mouth shut. She would have also been the reason why, yes, I was angry but okay with the idea of detention being my plan after school. Instead of staring blankly at notes while listening to gossip at the coffee shop.

"Indeed I am, wanna skip class?" I hit her lightly on the arm with my chemistry book.

"I'm already in trouble," I laughed, tucking my book back into my arm. My mom told me any more detention, and I'd get more than a lecture and a week.

"Maya!" Riley's arms slung around me. Dread suddenly blanketed my mind, "So it's mom and dad's date night, we'll be going to my place after school instead,"

"I actually-"

"Maya, when was the last time it was just us, I miss you," her fingers brushed down my arm and clung to my hand. It wasn't fair. My heart skipped. And I could feel my blood rising to my ears. That's not fair. She had no right to touch me so simply like that. She use to do that to calm me, she used to touch me like that to reassure me when my brain had doubts.

"I have detention," I said. Shaking her hand away and tucking my books so tightly across my chest I couldn't breathe. The school suddenly seemed to lack oxygen. I didn't want to be here any longer. I did not want to look at Riley or see any part of her.

"Detention, again?" The way her face twisted, and she pulled back. I suddenly had to defend myself, make her realize I didn't choose this. Detention was an accident, and I now wished I could go back.

"I just dozed off a bit in cla-"

"You cut your hair, and now you're getting in trouble," she didn't notice how significant the hair change was to me. She didn't mention how I was wearing something other than a tee. How I brushed my hair and left it down. Riley didn't ask how I came in with a smile instead of with my head down "You were doing so well-" so easily my confidence slipped. The tattoo on my shoulder meant nothing. The haircut was just that.

"Maya, don't we have a third period to get to," Ellie butted in. Something in the tone couldn't even snap me back. Slowly I was floating. I was back that night. Back to watching Riley on top of him.

"Yeah," my voice was far away. Riley's brows were furrowed in concern. Not concern, it was a disappointment. My mind spiraled and spiraled. What am I doing? I cut my hair what did that change? Nothing, Riley still loved Lucas more than me. I got a tattoo, nothing, Riley still cheated on me. I've lost myself a lot in the between. The between me kissing her and walking in on her. I couldn't sleep or eat. I couldn't make art or think clearly. My life was homework, parties, and repeat. I'm disappointing my mom and Shawn. What am I doing? Disappointing Riley most of all. Someone who created who I was. Changed me for the better. What did I do? What am I doing?

My breaths felt too fast all at once. As if someone was taking a vacuum to the oxygen around me. And this hole in my mind spun like the water entering a drain. Swirling and swirling. How dare I get into trouble, when Riley worked so hard to put me where I am?

"Maya," it was gentle and felt so far away from my shaking palms. I twisted and twisted my wrist. My skin burning from the twisting, "Maya, I'm here can you hear me?" Where was it coming from? Somewhere so far. It was calming, quiet, and cold. My mom would be angry, Shawn, Matthews, what am I doing? It was an accident, something whispered. Yes, I knew that. I didn't plan detention. And why do I care what Riley felt? She doesn't care about me.

"Good job Maya, breathe," The spiral was slowing, and the plug was slowly slipping into place. My eyelids were aching from how hard I was squeezing them shut. There was knocking at a door "Hey focus on me, okay?" It was hard to focus when a lot was suddenly happening at once. The knocks on the door were still echoing off the walls. Ellie was still cooing me to focus. The feeling of where I was and where I am now had changed, I was no longer in the halls but in a chilled room. I clenched my palms tighter.

"Maya?! Ellie?!" That was a different voice deeper, I squeezed tighter.

"We're okay Mr. Matthews can we have a second?" Ellie shouted back. I wanted to open my eyes but where was I now? What did I do? I felt a chunk of time missing. The pounding ceased after the exchange and Ellie's hands were now holding both of mine, "Maya, are you okay?" Her question was softer. And all the commotion stopped. It was just us again.

When I opened my eyes I met Ellie's concerned face. She was kneeling in front of me. And I realized where we were, the handicap bathroom across from the chemistry classroom. I didn't make it to the class before the walls crumbled.

My cheeks were soggy and my eyes were still watery. "Can you breathe?" She asked letting go of my hands so I could wipe my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I said instantly. I was, more than sorry, a pressure behind my nose more tears swelled in my eyes.

"Hey don't apologize," she whispered, "I panic too," she responded. Never looking away from me, "And I am more than willing to skip chemistry to make sure you're alright," I actually laughed a bit. It sounded snotty and clogged but it did ease my still pounding heart.

She adjusted herself to sit cross-legged in front of me. I couldn't see her breaking down as I had. I couldn't imagine tears in her eyes at all.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I shook my head quickly. I didn't, especially since I've never experienced something quite like it.

"Alright, I get that," after we spoke we simply sat in silence. I knew eventually we'd have to leave. Even though I didn't mind us staying alone together, here, for the rest of chemistry.

"Is Riley okay?" I asked, not necessarily needing to know if she was alright I was just hoping she didn't see anything.

"She's okay.." Ellie answered now picking at the laces of her sneakers.

"She didn't like.. See anything?" I asked, staring at the tile floor.

"No, Matthews made her go to class," It made me feel better to know I didn't freak out where she could see it. I couldn't quite pinpoint why I had freaked in the first place. There wasn't a clear target on why my brain was suddenly flushed with bad thoughts.

"We should get to chem," I stated after a long taken silence. Ellie sighed and nodded. Unlocking the bathroom alone sped my heart, but finding Mr. Matthews on the other side spiked pain in my chest.

"Are you girls alright?" Matthews asked, looking back and forth.

"Fine," I answered. I forgot how hard it was to speak to Matthews after me and Riley split. I knew as her father he didn't get the whole story. Sometimes I wonder if he knew, whose side he'd be on.

"She just needed a moment," Ellie added, probably sensing as I did that he wanted us to elaborate.

"I was kinda freaked out about the test in chemistry," I started to twist my hand between my other.

"Alright," Matthews nodded and placed his hands on his hips, "Williams can you head to class please," Me and Ellie exchanged only a glance before she left for the Chemistry room.

"Maya, are you feeling okay," There were so many things I could say to make him understand. None of which I felt I could say. If I did tell him about Riley and what really happened, what would happen? There was a time where It wouldn't take much for him to get me to talk.

"I'm alright, I just panicked a bit,"

"Riley told me you two just ran off-"

"I was panicking sir, I just needed to get myself under control," He was probably the only adult I felt might understand what I was going through. Yet me telling him would only ruin what little friendship I was clinging to with Riley.

"Shawn will be home tomorrow to talk to you," My mom added after her hour lecture. Her crossed arms and worn face were enough for me to understand this truly was the last time I could be in detention. I was wearing her out. I couldn't imagine how much more she could take before she cracked. Prior to Riley, I was nothing but a handful.

I knew this had disappointed her. I already precomposed my sorry before I walked home. I also pre-wrote my apologies to Riley. Not that it would do any good with the amount of furry I was going to face when she saw me next. A long time ago an hour of detention was another hour I could be alone myself. It was no big deal like it is now. An extra shift at the diner for her. Riley hadn't just affected me. But my mother as well.

My mom stood from her spot on my bed. And gave me a harsh smile before leaving me in my bedroom. I watched her tie her apron from the crack in the door. I couldn't blame anyone other than myself. Not Riley, and certainly not Ellie. I needed to change something about myself before my mom could reach her limit. I needed to change before Riley abandoned me, or before Matthews lost hope in me. Pinpointing where the change needed to be circled my mind. Liking girls? Isn't that where all the trouble began? I heard the shut of the door behind my mom. I was here by myself again. I twisted my lips. A pressure in my chest swelled. I couldn't be here by myself like this. My jaw clenched and I stood from my bed, only to drop to the floor. I reached underneath my bed for the bottle I had tucked wrapped in a scarf.

I unwrapped it while still considering alternatives. You could write Riley an apology? You could practice not crying when Shawn explains his disappointment? You could stare at the ceiling until you burst into tears? Weigh every mistake you made today? By that point, the top was off. And I was tipping the bottle and pouring the clear fire down my throat. Instead, I tried to remember which party I had swiped this from. Was it the one where I met Ellie? In the end, I couldn't recall. And I was downing another swallow. That one hit my stomach wrong and lurched my insides reminding me to pause and let it settle. I've never had a drink alone. Always with a sound to surround me. Or Ellie to talk to. Being alone almost felt better. I could cry without judgment, or joke with no anxiety.

Another swallow and my cheeks were flaring.

Maybe I preferred this.. me and my lonesome. The whole bottle was only for me. I leaned my head against the bed.

I bit my lip and dug into the front pocket of my back where Ellie had stuffed half a box of cigarettes and a lighter. I asked her too when it was getting harder to stop thinking about a drag when I was feeling upset. I promised her I would only use them when feelings got too harsh. This counted right? I opened my window and leaned outside with the butt of the cig between my lips. Cold air created goosebumps. The heat of the lighter against my palm twinging. A huge inhale in before it came to life, and a huge exhale out in a puff of painful smoke. Liking girls had started this whole mess. The second I found Riley's wide eyes, and puffy lips attractive everything went to hell. I glanced below me to the sidewalk twisting my head as people passed trying to spend a particular amount of time eying the men. The only emotion surfacing was rage, I took another hit before flicking ash off the tip. 

I looked back into my room there was no way I could just sit here and wait to be punished. Besides I hadn't really done anything to truly deserve being punished. No, If I was going to be grounded it was going to be for something worthy of the weeks of no cell phone. I stifled the cigarette on the metal bar and stuffed it back into the pack. Before grabbing my house keys I took one last swig from the jar and left the apartment shoving my arms into my sequin jacket. It was New York and just because it was a weekday it didn't mean there wasn't some sort of party going on. Jackson's house would no doubt have something going on.

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Suggested Song / Inspiration for the Chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 5: Touch

[Ellie's POV a couple of months ago.]

Dina threw her head back letting the laugh roll from her throat at something our friend Jessie said under his breath. Honestly, I had no clue how I let her drag me to another one of these things. Though I enjoyed the free liquor to the fullest extent, there were always far too many people here for me. If it wasn't for Dina, I wouldn't have even been invited. Drake invited me simply because I happened to be standing next to her. Dina was the social butterfly and absolute life of the party. She knew everyone, Drake never could have gathered this many people alone. She knew how to talk to people just right, knew when to smile, listen, and how tell a joke. Dina didn't take sports or perform, she didn't do debate, and she wasn't in honors. The brunette was recognizable strictly through personality. Dina was the type of person you would always know, whether it was by association, or in the halls. How she ever found someone like me, would always be a mystery.

I glanced at her, for a second. Sometimes I still wondered if I had any love for her left in me. Of course, I loved her as a friend. We've been friends since Grade School. But I couldn't tell if I still loved her as anything more. Maybe us testing is where we messed up.

"I need a refill," I blurted between them.

"You finished already, Ells," I flashed Jessie a look of displeasure.

"Don't call me that," I responded.

"I'm only on my second cup," Dina added, looking into her own.

"Yes, and that's pushing it for you," I retorted, Jessie, laughed and had to lean on the wall to support himself.

"No it's not!" She shouted, punching him in the shoulder to quiet his added noise.

"Yeah it is, after two, last time, you wanted to teach the world how to waltz," he said between spurs of laughter. She had connected her phone to the speakers and had some symphony playing over the sea of people. Nobody knew what to do when she grabbed the closest man to her, all anyone could do was laugh. I remembered that night more vividly than any other party she has dragged me to.

"And on that note," I finished, twirling on my heel. That was the same night she told me she lost the baby. The number of drinks after two got lost that night. She kept going even as the party died. When it was just me and her, her deep brown eyes were cross, and puffy from crying. The amount of hurt we both felt that day still ached, especially now when she had a cup in her hand, and plenty of people to help her forget she was ever in such a dark space.

"I didn't want the baby anyways" she repeated until the words were just slurred and meaningless.

I wasn't really looking as I pushed toward the crowd of people. It wasn't the baby that made me question the love I had for her. It was the way she looked at Jessie every day before she told me. I envied him a bit. Dina and I shared nothing more than a few flirts. We were never really a couple, but they were. When they broke up I was just the second step to moving on. She never really moved on though, and when she found out she was pregnant with his baby, it was almost as though we never held each other. I was just Ellie again, and she was just Dina.

To this day Jessie doesn't know all the details about that night. I can't help but think that he knew about the loss of his baby, maybe he'd be in my shoes, angry. I fell out of love with her, far faster than even starting. Thinking about it now made me feel selfish. Why would someone stop loving somebody like that, that quickly? I couldn't validate it. There's no way to validate it. I like to think it wasn't because of the baby. Maybe it was because Jessie and she had shared such an intimate moment I longed for. More than anything I wanted to love her like that, love was there. Now there was just this huge gaping hole that I had no clue what to do with. I couldn't fill it with love, or even forgiveness.

My dad told me maybe I could understand when to let go. And maybe that was true.

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a slam. When I hit the floor, with a piercing stab at my hip. I glanced up at a blonde, just as on the floor as me. She panickily pushed herself up to her feet and immediately apologized, while fixing her sparkly top. She wiped her eyes, and gazed around at the upset crowd that suddenly returned to normal when I stood. Something about the familiarity in the ponytail eased my sudden furry. I didn't know her. But I knew the blonde pony and the lowered head.

"You alright?" I spoke. Taking in the puffy sapphirine eyes. Her fumbling, anxious hands. Soft features despite the amount of emotion showing on her face.

The ride home after dropping Maya off was lonelier than any other. That was the most I've talked to anyone in a long while. Besides Dina and Jessie of course. But we mostly talked about old times and alcohol we wanted to try. Parties we wanted to plan. I've never felt a connection like that. All I wanted was Maya to like me. Talk more to me. I liked seeing her laugh when I spoke. It made me forget about everything I hated about myself. It made me completely forget I hated myself. I felt so obligated to impress her. A weird compulsion I've never felt before. Maybe it was driven by how sad she seemed. I didn't mean to point it out. But she wore it so harshly I had to ask, in hopes she'd let it out. Sometimes I wondered if I ever wore my self-hatred or sadness like that. Maybe her mask was just fading and in a crowd full of people she could barely contain it. I could admit, that it was hard for me too, especially when there were so many people to hide from. Bringing up her tears felt too invasive for a moment like tonight. The second I saw tears, it wasn't words that could fix it, but a laugh or two. I wished we had more time than just a night. I needed to get to know her, I wanted to know why she was so sad, I wanted to know what she did in her free time, if she collected anything, wrote anything. Every dark secret, every happy memory, I wanted to catalog. Sneaking in through the back door of my house I came to a conclusion.

"I know where you've been Ellie, you can take the front door," I bit my lip, at the sight of my dad leaning on the arch now with his brows raised, Joel's face didn't seem to reek with furry. No, it was soft and still wrinkled with age. At one time his hair use to be brown. Now grey made up its majority, his wiry beard also almost overtaken with the same color. "Dina, called because you disappeared and she was worried something happened to you," of course she did. I forgot to tell her where I was going. And Dina being nothing but a worrier had to find out. Of course, I also forgot to tell Joel where I was as well. Forgot was a loose term.

"If it eases any punishment you are about to bestow on me," I started setting my keys on the counter, "I am both alive and safe,"

"Have you been drinking," I twisted a finger in my hand, I was really in for it. And was it that noticeable? Did my words slur as awfully as Maya's?

"Just a bit," I mumbled.

"And you drove home,"

"I swear I'm fine, I sobered up before I left. I had to drive a friend home," I immediately defended.

"No more of that," he responded, raising his hands as a sign of calmness, "Please, just call me if You're drinking al'right," I swallowed and nodded.

"I promise," he pulled me into a tight hug. His hugs had a way of easing any anxiety still resting on my heart. If nowhere else was safe, home was. Joel had a problem with second chances. I think deep down he knew I would never call him, I think he knew my promise was empty. It wasn't completely empty, I would stay safe.

Laying in bed that night feeling my bedrock , as the alcohol called me to sleep, I concluded I wanted to do nothing but make Maya smile. I wanted to take her away from whatever place her mind was crawling into.

"You've been checking your phone nonstop," Dina smiled, closing her locker and leaning against it. I tucked my phone back into my pocket. Its been only two days since I left my number for Maya, on my desk. Right about now it felt foolish. She was so angry with me. And of course, I felt bad about it. But at the same time, I would have done it again. Anything to get her away from her clingy friend. I've of course known her for only a night, and a class period. But the way her smile changed so drastically every time Riley came around, or any of her friends for that matter. I witnessed two different Mayas in minutes. And a third when she thought no one was looking. Her anger was justified. Years without detention seemed like a shock to her. "Who'd you give it to?" Dina questioned twisting her lips into thought, "Was it her?" Dina pointed to a brunette on the opposite side of the hallway. She was fixing her ponytail in the mirror of her locker. Not my type, she was trying way too hard to fix her makeup. And her locker was too clean and perfect. Also judging by how she turned immediately to a boy a few lockers away, I could tell I wasn't her type either.

"I didn't give anyone anything," I said simply to remind her to stay in her own business. I couldn't tell Dina about Maya. It seemed too soon. And I also didn't need Dina nosing around in my relationships again. She had a habit of being too judgy and giving me advice.

"Oh come on Ellie, I'm not dull," I tucked my books closer to my chest not daring to look where Maya stood. "Is it the person you disappeared with Friday?"

"I didn't disappear with anyone, I just went home," I now focused on my sneakers.

"Ellie you can move on you know," I had to look at her, and Dina shrugged.

"I've moved on," I whispered to her under the crowd, suddenly feeling very small. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Nor was I ready for it.

"Ellie, you don't have to play tough all the time," Her brown eyes found mine. I still found them gorgeous despite when they held another's gaze. It made me wish more than anything I hadn't moved on, "Is it that guy?" Dina pointed behind me to a tall blonde talking to one of the members of the girl's softball team.

I pointed a finger down my throat pretending to gag then twisted towards Chemistry. Dina grabbed my arm before I could dart, "Whoever it is. They'd be lucky to have you," Dina mentioned. For some reason, the comment didn't settle over me easily. Sometimes I wished she was the kind of person to ignore people when they caused her pain. I wished she'd yell at me and hate me. I knew Dina better than that. And I also knew she'd stay kind. And I hated her for it.

~

|Current|

We stayed in mutual silence with our feet bare in the apartment pool. The loud traffic sound behind us. Somehow without trying our feet kicked in sync, rippling the water in front of us.

It wasn't that we didn't have anything to say. She did nothing but listen when I told her about Dina. And as I spoke she met my eyes when I needed reassurance. We sat in silence now because that's what we needed... The water, at one point, was warm. But now, with the cold settling over it, I had to pull my feet out and cross my legs. Maya kept hers in. Maybe enjoying the sharp sting of the cold. Without Maya needing to ask I handed her a cigarette and a lighter after tucking one of my own between my lips. There was something about the drag that healed heartache.

"Where did you get your tattoo?" She asked, staring at the elaborate design on my forearm. It only occurred to me now that she's never seen me with my sleeves up.

"An ex of mine," I answered truthfully. Cat was an artist in training. It took nearly months to convince my dad to let me get it. It had no meaning or importance of any sort. But when Cat showed me the drawing and the two ferns, and the moth I knew I had to have it. Joel agreed finally, only because he too found it gorgeous.

I told Maya the story as she examined it closely taking in the lines and shading.

"I've always wanted a tattoo," she spoke softly.

"Yeah?" I asked. She smiled, releasing my arm and looking back to the pool water.

"I want the Eiffel tower,"

"It's gorgeous," I answered remembering the view just from the bottom. How it towered over us. I also remembered the view from the hotel. The glittering lights were so distant yet bright in the dark. Me and Dad went there merely to say we had.

"Of course, you've seen it," she laughed. In her drunk words, she told me that she wished she could travel as I had. New York bored her when there were so many other places to see.

"Where would you get your tattoo?" I asked, watching her face shift getting lost in some thought.

"I don't really know. I haven't really thought about it. My mom would never allow it," she finally pulled her feet from the water and crossed them as I had my knees slightly touching, "Sometimes I wished I didn't care about what my mom thought so much. Back in middle school, I wouldn't have," I bit the inside of my cheek. I understood why her face was twisting in reminiscence. She missed the Maya that would have found some way to get that tattoo. Maya pulled a strand of hair through her fingers over and over, fidgeting.

"Do you still want it?"

"What?" She furrowed her brows at me.

"The tattoo,"

"I can't get a tattoo,"

"That wasn't the question, Hart" I clarified her last name, slipping off my tongue by accident. The firmness of the clarification on purpose.

"Yeah, I do, Williams."

~

[Maya's POV]

"You really don't have to, Maya," My adrenaline was off the charts. My palms were slick with sweat, my heart was racing, and my throat and mouth were dry and lost for words. The parlor was small, but what it lacked in size, got lost in the amount of décor, and black and white tiles. A small soft tone of old music, the smell of ink and cigarette smoke. I knew I could tell her no. I also knew what would happen if my mom even found out I was here. I would be dead. My mom would kill me first, a month's worth of grounding was a light punishment. Then my Stepdad, Shawn, would find out. The month of grounding would be pushed to a year. No friends, coming straight home after- but the idea. At the moment I got lost in it, a tattoo. Something different to look at instead of my untidy ponytail, and baggy clothes- It's completely compulsive, I took a large breath to steady my fast-paced ones. You know your mom would never approve, come on Maya, think about this.

"Ellie!" In a high-pitched squeal, Ellie was trapped in a hug. I watched her awkwardly return it. Clearly uncomfortable with the gesture.

"Hey, Cat," She returned not as squealed, and less enthusiastic.

"Did you come in for a touch-up?" she asked, finally releasing her grip. And pulling Ellies inked arm up for examination. 

"Just looking," she half-smiled, a half-smile where one side of her face almost winked. I changed my stare to the wall behind them, covered in doodles. Much like Ellie's wall of lyrics and poems. Some were huge and must've taken hours to incorporate every idea, and small detail. Any tattoo of any style you could think of took up that wall. Small koi fish, huge eagles, detailed mermaids, and perfect scripts.

"Well let me know if you guys see anything you like. Free of course for the both of you,"

"You guys get along well," I commented as Cat disappeared into the back.

"We were more friends than a couple," Ellie replied, also staring at the wall. I wonder what drew that line, besides make-outs and handholds. Riley clarified our line. I still couldn't figure out where the two paths met. I thought we could still be friends even dating.

"I like that one," I pointed at probably the smallest tattoo up there. I could definitely tell Cat took less time on it. It was simplistic yet so packed with detail. The Eiffel Tower sat alone. There wasn't much else to it besides the crossings of the structure. Though it was simple I fell in love with the idea of it. Damn my mom, and Riley if she ever saw it. This was something I had to do. And absolutely something I had to have. Ellie nodded in agreement, "I do too,"

Ellie pointed up and looked at Cat, "Can you do this one?"

Cat was sanitizing a chair, she placed the bottle and the rag on the floor, she didn't even have to look to respond.

"Where do you want it?" she asked looking at me as she popped open a bottle of black ink. I considered this. I needed somewhere easy to hide. At first, I considered my back and then the pain. I peeled my tee back to reveal a small place on my shoulder blade. Cat grinned and motioned to the chair.

Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1096766467-reasons-to-stay-touch

Suggested song / Inspiration for the chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 4: I Hope

I tried like hell to recall every event the previous Friday. From the small moment when she tucked my hair behind my ear as tears streamed over my cheeks, to the intense car ride home. Yes, some moments still drew blanks. Bits and pieces were still missing. I couldn't recall the trip up the stairs to my apartment. But I could pinpoint every emotion I felt in Ellie's truck that night. I focused my eyes on the equations before me, pencil tight in my grip. I spent the entirety of my weekend dismantling my mind, still only recalling small pieces of what had happened.

"It's okay to be sad, still" she had whispered so softly.

I could still hear the gentleness in her voice staring at the numerals in front of me. I remembered the feeling of safety I felt then. And now I couldn't feel any trace of it. If only I hadn't taken so many shots. I wished I had a clearer head. I wished at that moment I hadn't had such an alcohol-drenched brain so I could remember every piece of it. Maybe I would have reacted differently.

"I feel like I'm being punished"

I had told her that without any remorse or complexity. I let it roll off my tongue, as if the thought was no more than just that, a thought, no feeling.

"She punishes me everyday, when she looks at him. Like I'm in the wrong. Like me, loving her is wrong,"

"It's not wrong," Ellie clarified.

I bit my finger concentrating hard on that moment. When she had wiped a tear from my soggy cheeks. I remember not even felling the tear slip, and not feeling any of the emotion that contributed to the tears forming in my eyes. I only felt safe and secure with telling her what truly lied on my heart.

"I apparently have had way too much to drink," I dodged. And with a breath "Never have I ever, Been outside of New York," I stared at her. And when she hadn't moved, I took a sip and asked, "Where?"

From New Orleans to California she told me she had moved, to live with her dad. She explained how she never felt more at home than under the towering skyscrapers. She described the always sunny beaches and all of the good foods she's tried. The more lost I got in that night the faster the day passed, Earth Science, and then Chemistry. Normally I would turn behind me and toss her a smile and a laugh. Not today, and today she sat quietly behind me. No comments, just the scribbling of a pencil against paper. I remembered when my cheeks grew numb. And my stomach was so close to flipping. When I finally reached a new limit. We both leaned our heads back onto the sofa unable to hold ourselves up any longer.

"Do you ever think about disappearing to California?" I had asked twisting my head to meet her stare.

"Sometimes," she admitted.

"Do you ever think about just disappearing?" I had to look away when I asked.

"Do you?"

"Sometimes,"

I tucked my books into my bag at the bell. I watched Ellie leave with her bag over her shoulder. She followed the crowd up and out. I should have chased her. I can't believe I let Riley ruin another thing of mine that I had. Ellie was all I had left that was untouched by Riley's destructive reach. And I let Riley ruin it.

"I think I deserve it, I'm not a very good person you know," I admitted.

"No one deserves that," When I didn't respond she reiterated, "No one,"

"She didn't mean to-" I pushed suddenly feeling uneasy, "She was confused,"

"If she was on top of him she made her choice very clear. Doesn't sound like confusion," Ellie stood. As did I. Those were the words of someone who understood. I furrowed my brows and felt the heat rising in Riley's defense.

"You don't know her,"

"I don't need to,"

"Take me home," she had turned from me, again hiding more words and nodding.

"Fine," she simply untucked her keys. There was a bite in her voice. All it did was push me further.

"Say it,"

"Say what?"

"What you're thinking," I stood below her, looking up to her height. Searching her for the reasoning. Why was she so involved? Why after 3 years of classes was she suddenly willing to talk to me? Did she pity me? Did she feel obligated to talk to me when she saw me crying? Obligated like Farkle, and Zae, or Isadora. Simply talking to me because I was the sad out caster.

"I think she's put you through to much hell to be hanging out with her everyday, I wouldn't hang out with anyone who made me want to disappear,"

Now I stared at the words and words of History, the sound Mr. Matthews at the front end of the room. I swayed my gaze to Riley who had an unbroken focus on her father as he taught. Absorbing every word with ease, how could she do it. At the moment I had fought for her that night, and not once had she ever fought for how I felt. She never defended my feelings or my actions like I had, even behind closed doors I defended her.

"Take. Me. Home,"

Lucas was scribbling away, sometimes I wondered if that day ever phased them like it phased me. I still picked at my food. I still stared at my wall. Do they? Does the moment ever pop into their head and ruin their day? Does it keep them awake all night till the alarm goes off?

"I know you loved her," she was the first to speak on the ride home.

"You don't get to talk about her," I whispered back, "You lost that right,"

I defended Riley's name till I opened that car door. Why had I defended her, when I needed someone to defend me. Ellie was defending you, yes, I only realized it now with a sober head. What I had expected was someone to validate Riley as well. Why was I punishing Ellie for not making the same choice as everyone else...

"Goodnight,"

It didn't matter how angry I had been at her, she still said the words even as I slammed her car door shut. I walked behind the group down the concrete steps. And when Ellie passed us my heart tugged towards calling her name. My friends turned their heads toward me but that didn't stop me from approaching her in anguish. I ran towards her barely catching my breath before I asked her.

"What makes you want to disappear?" I asked finally. The words just between us as the school yard emptied, and my friends carried on.

~

(Three months Prior, July 17th Maya's POV)

When I started walking, a light mist started. The gentle spray cooled my cheeks from July's awful heat. I promised Riley space. I respected her choice to cool things between us, but I didn't think it would mean a week of not seeing each other. I didn't expect our calls to end, nor her reply to my texts. Her apartment was a twenty-minute walk. I didn't tell her I was coming. A recent time I asked had she had surprise plans with her mom. I couldn't pinpoint what I had done wrong. The last time we were together, I was holding her in my arms as she slept. Then the day after, when I got home she had sent a long paragraph about how the relationship was moving too fast. The rungs of the ladder up to her room were a bit slippery. Even more so with my sweaty palms. I still didn't understand what she had meant by it. We've been dating for almost five months now, where was our relationship supposed to be? Her light above was still aglow telling me she was there and at least awake. I could turn around now, long before it was too late. I could give her a bit more time. But maybe something was wrong, something she wouldn't tell me. I had a million questions to ask. And as they swirled around in my mind I hit the platform. What if it would anger her? I bit the inside of my cheek. Even angry I just wanted even a hello, or to see her. Maybe I was too clingy, almost every day since school ended I was in her room. Hours of my day, when I wasn't over, we were texting or calling. But she used to answer those texts and every call. So what was different now. Were our handholds too public? Was I hugging too tightly? kissing too often? Not saying how much I loved her enough? or even saying it too often? Did I say it too soon? When I opened her window, I didn't get the usual nickname and a smile on her lips. Instead, I wished I had turned around, begged I could live without ever seeing the image in front of me again. I would live happy never seeing her straddled over him, mouths touching and his hair gripped in her hand.

"Maya?" Lucas spoke, I clenched my jaw in anger. Every word was erased. Riley resettled her shirt over her torso, climbed off of his lap then looked from me to Lucas who was sitting on the bed running searching for his t-shirt thrown on the floor just as panicked to see me. I could no longer feel. My heart banged so loudly in my ears it hurt. My body felt cold, as if I was staring at a corpse instead of the girl I loved.

"Maya, I can explain, this was an accident, I swear, I was going to talk to you,"

"You were gonna talk to me," I repeated in a disembodied whisper. My mind stayed blank, I couldn't say anything. Even as she tried to explain why Lucas was over, I couldn't think. I kept seeing it in the moments my eyes closed to blink. I stepped back from the window.

"Maya!"

When my feet hit concrete my heart fueled my pace. Faster and faster I sped down the deserted sidewalk. I could hear her calling from behind me, "Maya, please!"

I now knew exactly what I had done wrong. I wasn't him. She had always been confused between the two of us. But when we first kissed, there didn't seem to be any confusion. Maybe I had misread it. Maybe when she sent that long paragraph there wasn't supposed to be any relationship at all. Riley's hand caught my wrist, and when I twirled to meet her all I could feel between us was him.

"Maya, I was crying, he only came to help," I flashed my eyes to hers. Only hurting more, and more. Why wouldn't she ask me to come over if she was crying?

"Next time I start crying, I'll hop on Zae's lap," I snapped coldly, snatching my wrist. Not caring about the hatred of the venom that was leaving. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to snap her heart into two.

"That's unfair," My chest slipped.

"Unfair?"

"We didn't mean to kiss, it just-"

"Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't ask someone else about me. Enjoy your space," I didn't walk the direction of home. I just walked to put distance between me and her. No matter how long and how far it didn't seem like it was enough. And I walked, I walked until my feet started to ache and my body grew lapse from exhaustion. I walked until my heart hurt from holding in tears. When I called my mom to pick me up she started from the road to me the entirety of the time. I didn't say a word to her. Saying it aloud made me sick.

When I got to my bed I simply replayed the scene over and over. My phone buzzed on and off for two hours. I didn't bother to pick it up and look. I tried to understand why she was crying. What had I done wrong? I wanted an explanation, but at the same thought, I would rather not know. There was far too much hurt to pile more on top. I was suddenly thankful for the summer. I could take this time to be away from her. I didn't have to see any of them, though I had no reason to be upset at Zae and the rest, I still didn't want to see or speak to anyone. All I wanted was quiet.

~Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1089610701-reasons-to-stay-i-hope

Suggested song / Inspiration for the Chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 3: Drinking Alone~

The small slip of paper stayed tucked in my chemistry book for over a week now. And in that week me and Ellie hadn't spoken one word to each other. I tapped my pencil over the swirling chemistry equations, then leaned my chin over my propped-up hand.

"It's supposed to be at Drake's house this week," the sentence ran through one ear and out the other. What had Ellie expected me to do with the numbers scribbled on the paper anyway? Did she expect a call? a text? and what did she expect me to say?

"Are you coming Maya?" Maybe she was waiting for forgiveness or some sort of apology before she said anything to me. But why would I have to apologize? I didn't get her into a week's worth of trouble with my mom. I didn't ask her questions about where she stood with her friends.

"Hello, Maya?" A bump on my arm brought me back to the small corner in the cafè. I straightened and looked at Riley. When I didn't respond in my confusion she repeated the question.

"Oh, yeah of course," I answered, dropping the pencil and tucking the equations away, well aware that I wouldn't be able to finish any part of it. Yes, I'll be there, sulking in the corner as always.

Unless Ellie was there, I reminded myself. For some reason, the thought of our chance at conversation swelled me. I felt at ease with Ellie, like I could be genuine with her, for some reason I didn't feel there would be much judgment if I said what was lurking in my mind. Then what's stopping you, what was stopping me from dialing the number, and hearing her voice? I could blame it on Riley. When was the last time any of us talked to anyone outside of our circle? Never. But the truth was it wasn't Riley holding me back. No Riley knew nothing of Ellie besides a body by a locker. Not that it was any of her business. I'm scared of reaching outside this fragile group we have. And though my fury at her was justified, what wrong had Ellie really done? she got me away from this monotony.

Not too long after the café my 'of course' was dutifully regretted. I was sitting in the middle of Drake's ocean of a living room, crowded with people and drowned in the smell of sweat, alcohol, and weed. This party seemed louder than any other. Maybe it was because I had sneaked a couple shots into my Hawaiian Punch. Or it was because I still sat right where my friends had left me. In the middle of the room on a leather, beige sofa. I could have joined them. Forced myself to have fun. But that's not what I wanted, I wasn't in the mood for pretending. Swirling the liquid in my cup I stood. I wasn't really in the mood to be here either. But my duty was to the bright, bubbly brunette in the corner. Laughing with Lucas and a few other students she had surrounded herself with.

Tired of the smell, and the noise, I slid through the crowd towards the glass door leading to the back yard. Soaking in the sweep of the autumn chill around me.

I tucked my hands into my pockets. With a side-eyed glance, I realized this was the designated make-out area. I meandered by with no destination, only the wish to put as much distance from me and the house as possible. Trying to avoid eye contact with the couples shoving their tongues down each other's throats. Stifling a urge to twist my face in disgust, or maybe envy. I took a bigger swallow from my cup than I had been. The alcohol made my face twinge from distaste, but the feeling it provided made me feel less jealous and warmed my body further against the chill. The extreme temperatures shocking my skin. 

"Yo Ellie," My eyes made me glance in the direction of the shout. Before I could look away I saw her. Hair pulled into her usual half-do. Instead of a flannel, she had her hands tucked into the pocket of a dark denim jacket. She too looked towards her caller. Through the dark, I couldn't make much out, only a face of mild disinterest, as her friend stumbled over clearly feeling his liquor.

"Got a cigarette on you?" He questioned, in his approach.

"Yeah," I swayed my attention towards the quiet woods surrounding the house, and took a swig from my cup. I didn't move. Something in me kept my feet planted, I kept darting my eyes towards the pair of them. I watched her raise a cigarette to her lips, and I watched the guy she supplied wrap an arm around her. Something about the closeness made me shift, I wanted her to look at me. Was it weird to be watching her this closely? Weird to want her to notice me? Then go over there you weirdo, I pinched my lips.

One last gulp and my cup was empty. Now I really had to turn back to the house. I clenched my jaw and watched the woods. I should have called that number, and apologized. Maybe she was avoiding me all together because she figured out how much of a spaz I could be. Ellie's friend left her standing by a small dying bonfire. I assumed at the beginning of the night it was once surrounded by buzzed teenagers. But now the flames had ceased and the only thing left was a small amber glow. She looked really pretty with her head held slightly back. Cigarette in between her lips, moonlight leaked over her cheeks. Unnaturally pretty. The liquor that was in my cup now inflamed my skin. Maybe she wasn't going to notice me, I wasn't fully aware of why I was walking towards her. I had no clue what to say, but I didn't want to let her stand there by herself. After some time of running over what she had done for me in my head, it wasn't until recently that I realized why she had done it. For a week I had to go straight home, no parties, no café, and no friends. At first I was enraged. But after a few days I took the time to do homework alone, watching the 'Friends' reruns on TV until I dozed off. I cooked and cleaned when my mom asked, and planned a vacation when there was nothing left I could possibly do. I wasn't staring at Lucas and Riley, or beating myself up over the break up. She did me a favor without realizing it. I was going to apologize, and I needed to thank her.

Suddenly I was standing in front of her, my thoughts blank on how to say anything at all. When she turned to me I froze, and almost considered vanishing on the spot.

"Hey," That same gentle voice she greeted me with the first time.

"Hi," I responded, after three weeks that was the best thing I could come up with? "You look very lonesome out here," I added, setting my cup in the holder of a worn lawn chair.

"There's cleaner air out here," she tossed back with a smile.

"Yeah, it smells like rebellion and sweat in there," it made her laugh, not much but enough to make my chest swell and lips crease.

She looked back to the house and then me, opening her mouth as if to say something, assuming it was an apology before she could speak,- "I'm sorry, for ignoring," I blurted.

Her ferocious green eyes found me, "I was just in shock, is all, and I'm sorry for not texting,"

"It's ok," I thought she had looked me over before she spoke, either it was too dark to tell or maybe just wishful thinking, "I might've gave you the wrong number anyway," I knew it was untrue, or at least hoped it was.

I twisted my hands between my suddenly sweaty palms. Ellie took another long drag from her cigarette. I was never a fan of the smell, but every time I found myself standing close to the smoke I inhaled the scent deeply. My thoughts raced now, even under the influence of my drink. And maybe she noticed because she extended it towards me. It was defiantly the liquor that made me take it. The musky taste of the butt against my lips raced my heart as if I had taken a shot on an empty stomach. I breathed in filling my lungs as if it were oxygen. I quickly offered the cigarette back as my lungs rejected the harsh smoke. I coughed until tears formed in my eyes trying to ignore Ellie's eyebrow raise. 

"You've never had one before have you?" Ellie asked in between my choking breaths. I shook my head quickly, "Then why'd you take it?" After one more harsh cough and a breath to regain composure.

"It sounded better in the moment," I replied honestly, voice rasping from the burn.

"Are you here with anybody?" I watched the way she flicked her thumb on the filter to remove the excess ash, now accumulating at the top of her cigarette.

"Just Riley," I answered.

She nodded and tucked her hand into her pocket.

"Would 'just Riley' mind if I took you somewhere?" The comment made my chest slip. I bit the inside of my cheek. Riley would be upset. Yes, especially if I didn't tell her where I was going.

"No," I said anyways, "No she wouldn't,"

After 10 minutes now, walking beside each other in silence, I felt the full existent of the alcohol burning my blood and slurring my thoughts. Somehow I could keep my pace steady, and balance intact. She had parked us in a deserted parking lot before our walk. Not saying a single word about where we were going. It filled me with exhilarating excitement. The thought of just going anywhere besides a crowded living room or a classroom. It was new, and different.

"Is this the part where you kill me?" I questioned glancing her way, only quickly, before looking ahead again into the dark woods, and at the near approaching chain link fence.

"No," she laughed, "We're almost there I promise,"

"Is it a spaceship?"

"I wish," she replied.

"Well I'm lost then,"

"You only took one guess," she chuckled again.

"And that was enough,"

"One more guess" she pressed, we stopped in front of the fence, rusted with age and near fallen apart. I twisted my lips to the side. And bit my cheek.

"Is it a- secret military hideout,"

"Also no, but noble guess," Ellie peeled the rusty panel of the fence back.

"Thank you ma'am,"

"Don't call me that,"

"Thank you sir," She followed me under, and past the fence. Immediately, I couldn't see anything. The night was drawing darker and all I could make out was tall structures ahead of us. The moonlight did nothing to help my sight.

I followed her, lagging a bit behind, as the liquor started to numb small parts of my body, and ease the adrenaline. We approached what seemed to be an abandoned box car. Stepping closer it was bright, recently painted; red. Vines creeping over the sides, and ever so slightly, tilted. She climbed in, seemingly at home. And left me at the entrance. With a loud kick the small space illuminated with light. I couldn't help but let my mouth part. It was beautiful. Lightbulbs, with homemade lanterns hung from the ceiling. Strings, and strings of lights dangled from the walls. I braced myself with the sides to step in. On the floor a dingy rug, with a small ugly green couch to match. All the walls were covered in words, and drawings. All in messy cursive and hurried strokes. Ellie opened a small minifridge and pulled a can, before plopping onto the sofa. It was dirty, yet homey, and creativity spilled from the walls, and creased my lips. Ellie had the butt of a new cigarette in her mouth and a lighter. Even after my lungs rejected the feel I wanted one more hit.

"This would be a wonderful place to start a murder mystery," I teased.

"Well thankfully I'm not a fan of murder, nor mysteries," She bantered before I dropped on the couch. She handed me a can. The stench of beer protruding from its popped tab. I took a long sip, and at this moment now I didn't think I would ever feel this drunk ever again. It felt like the edge of the bridge, and there was no way I could feel any better. She plopped down beside me, I tried my best to avoid staring too long into her eyes, or catching sight of the lit cigarette between her lips.

"You don't live here, do you?" I finally asked, she chuckled a bit and took her beer back.

"No I don't live here, it's just my getaway space," and suddenly here was my new favorite spot. On this dirty couch in the middle of nowhere, I felt truly at peace. Getaway, the word was like candy. Sweet and warm, it made me crave a spot like this. No parties, just the slight croak from a distant toad, crickets, and the buzz of light electricity.

"Wait, you're telling me Ellie Williams, Isn't a fan of the party life?"

"Is Maya Hart?"

"Absolutely not," I spoke honestly, snatching her drink and chugging what I could, "Parties are just-" I broke off losing track of my words and waving my hand, "Its all humbug," I completed. She reached back into her mini fridge and pulled out a large crystal like bottle halfway filled with an amber liquid I had never seen before.

"You're wasted," She chuckled.

"Yes," I said simply, feeling it heavily and embracing the way the beer made my mouth sting, and my stomach burn. She handed me the crystal bottle.

"Cheers to that," She gave me a smile. A beautiful smile, full of happiness, her lips curved, and her cheeks creased, it was gorgeous with darkened denim. Tucked undershirt, and torn jeans, pink cheeks, dotted freckles- I watched the way her fingers pulled the butt of the cigarette from her lips unintentionally replaying the motion in my head with obsession. She broke it by offering me the crystal bottle.

I took it with no hesitation and took a swig, I pinched my face in disgust, "What is this," I rasped harshly still feeling the strong burn stinging my throat.

"That- is whisky," She answered.

"It's gross," I gave back honestly, still twinging with distaste, but still lavishing in the feeling that maybe at the end of the bridge there could be more. Ellie offered me my own cigarette. I didn't have to ask but that was exactly what I needed to wash the burn off my tongue. I took it and looked to her. She cupped a hand over the tip flicking the lighter.

"Breath in, in one, two, -" At three I inhaled and smoke rolled down my throat back into my lungs. The burn entered my lungs instead of my stomach. My chest ached and I released it this time a slight sore filled my throat, something that whiskey could numb...

"Let's play a game," she furrowed her brows to look at me.

"A game?" She questioned It struck me now that I knew only of the rebellious Ellie, little of what made her tick, and act the way she did. I didn't know why she was always alone at parties or stashing alcohol or collecting cigarette butts, but I wanted to know. 

"Yes, Let's play- Never Have I Ever," I raised the crystal bottle, gesturing to the liquor. She twisted her lips and nodded with that brighter than ever smile, "Me first," I handed her the bottle.

"Never have I ever-" I paused, scanning her. Green eyes fixed on me, "Worn denim with denim," she scoffed and sat back a bit.

"It works," she defended. I shook my head a bit and allowed the couch to swallow my heavy body.

"Sure it does, drink," she also shook her head, and did indeed drink. And I took another drag before coping the flicking gesture Ellie made to rid the ash. 

"Never have I ever," she started handing me the drink, "Let my friend make my afterschool plans," I pinched my face, not fully feeling the effect of the comment, It was so true it made my chest slip into a laugh. The liquor coated my throat in fire, and when I lowered the glass, I couldn't help but gag a bit as my stomach unsettled.

"Never have I ever gone a day without detention," she stared at me then grinned.

"Drink," She said simply.

"No way!" I exclaimed, taking the bottle back from her calloused hands.

"There was once a time where I was a model student," she countered, gesturing towards the bottle. I bit my lip remembering my time when, yes, detention was inevitable. When I had found fun in it. I couldn't imagine in any parallel universe where Ellie was indeed a model student. I drank anyway, fully trusting any word that slipped from her lips.

"Never have I ever," I slurred, unaware of what was truly leaving my lips, "Never have I ever kissed a boy," I finished.

Ellie shook her head not raising the bottle to her lips.

"Never?" I challenged her. She merely shook her head and gestured. I took another swig, my gag reflex easily triggered now, "What about a girl?" I asked for liquor now fully forming every sentence, and fulfilling every thought in my body, I needed to kiss her. My lips were pounding with anticipation. The softness and gentleness I knew they held.

"I've come close before," she answered now leaning and on the edge of the cushion closer to me. So close I could feel the heated difference between the crisp chill of the Fall, and the deep almost summer warmth of her breath.

"And what stopped you?" I questioned, digging a bit deeper, hoping she would close a little more space,"

"It wasn't the right time," she responded honestly. Her deep emerald eyes honing in on my tiring gaze, "You've kissed a girl?" she asked, narrowing her brows, too digging a bit deeper into who I was. I clenched my jaw tightly. Instantly remembering my first kiss. To me and in the moment she was at the right time. And the right person. Riley was the one. I was planning goals, and life long dreams with that one kiss. It was in the girls bathroom. Oddly perfect and unexpected. Riley had made one look. and I knew that was our moment. Now looking back with a soggy mind it was awful, and nothing like I had planned.

"Riley," I answered. Clenching the bottle tightly in a sweaty grasp. I took a swig, needing to stop the instant memories that were now sweeping my brain.

~Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1046195945-reasons-to-stay-drinking-alone

Suggested song/ Inspiration for the Chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 2: Someone You Loved~

I was up before my alarm. I watched each minute shift into the next. Sometimes I would try to blink as the minute changed. It kept me entertained for the last thirty minutes, as it always did. I knew in about ten minutes Zae would come and knock on my window, as he did every morning before school.

I expected this Monday to go differently than the last for some reason. Not that anything drastic had changed this weekend. After Friday, when I woke up, I was in bed until Riley invited me to hang out at her mom's café. We did the same thing as last weekend, they worked on homework while I stared at an empty sheet of paper and fought urges to glance at Riley or Lucas. Then I would walk over to the diner where my mom worked, wait for her and Shawn to get off so we could sit in the same booth. We'd have the same monotonous conversations about our day. We'd drive home and then I'd lay in the dark for hours in hopes that eventually I would fall asleep. The only thing different is that sometimes I would fall asleep, and sometimes I couldn't. On Sunday I would have a day to myself. Sundays were the worst days of the week, even more so than Fridays. On Sundays, I used to meet Riley at her window. On Sunday we would spend countless hours by ourselves in her room. Sometimes we would watch movies. Other times our mouths could hardly separate. Sometimes we would cook, or she would watch me draw. We would find crafts to make or talk for hours in the dark. We'd listen to our favorite songs and explain the lyrics we loved and why. The countless hours were always filled with something, and they were always filled with us. Now my Sundays were left blank, and all I had were all those activities I could do by myself, but I only wanted to do them with her. Now I just stared at the tv screen. Not ever paying attention or caring about what was happening, or being said, I just sat there. Letting the movies play, as I did nothing but think about all the things I was missing. Those nights I never slept.

So why did I think today would be different? After a long night of thinking, scrolling, and staring, like I did every Sunday, why was it that I thought, today Zae wouldn't knock.

Eventually, he did knock.

I sat up as he climbed in my unlocked window per usual.

"Good Morning, sunshine," Zae teased, one of many sayings he'd use as he made his entrance. I gave him a soft smile before standing to dig through my drawers, "I thought you'd be dressed already," he had thought something would change today as well. I was never dressed by the time he got here. I motioned in my mirror for him to turn around. When I saw his eyes were covered, I swapped my pajama pants for jeans. I kept the same tee and stepped into my sneakers. I missed caring more about how I appeared.

I grabbed my backpack and quickly climbed out of the window and down the long ladder leading to the New York sidewalk, Zae followed me with the same rush, "That was quick," He commented. I let go two rungs early to get the satisfying clash of concrete against my feet. Then we started our twenty-minute walk to the subway.

"We missed you at Farkle's the other day," I tried to suppress a sigh, no, today would be no different.

"Sorry," I apologized simply, now wouldn't be the only time I heard that either. I'm sure all five of them would find some small way to bring it up.

"Riley was a little worried," the comment didn't spark the kind of hope I thought it would, the hope that someone noticed. For some reason, I doubted Riley had spoken a word about me. If anything the dinner went exactly like it would have, if I had gone.

"No reason to be worried, I'm fine," I responded. I believed Zae was more worried than Riley. Zae showed more concern than Riley had in the past months. Where Riley shrugged us off into a friendship, Zae knew some things could never be the same. He was the only friend I could find safety in now. He was the only one who didn't make me feel alienated.

"Well you looked like you were having fun, who was that you were talking to, she seemed kinda cool," he continued. I almost smiled at the thought. She was 'kinda' cool. We would have chemistry together today. Maybe the idea would send some sort of hope in others, in me, it just settled. She may not even speak to me. Building myself up, I realized, would only hurt more. So instead of hoping she was there, and that maybe I had a new friend; I told myself that if she wouldn't speak to me ever again, I wouldn't hold it against her.

"Just someone from class," I replied.

"Are you coming to the café after school?" I was always asked that as if my presence there was in question. The café was the glue that held us all together, it ripped the barrier between just school friends and best friends. I never considered that maybe, after what had happened, I didn't quite belong there anymore. But still, I went, and I held on to the hope that every time I showed up, it kept us together, no matter what happens, or had happened.

"Maybe," I gave him. He started to talk about the numerous random things that happened between now and when he saw me last. Instead of listening I gave robotic responses and focused on the people passing us. All strangers.

Ellie was one of those strangers. Someone that merely sat in the same class with me. Zae would always ask me in his own way if I was okay, but not once had he actually pointed out the sadness, and he had known me longer than a few hours. Before now I thought it was because my mask was good enough for him. I used to think my 'I'm fines' did the trick.

" You seem sad," she had seen it so easily, and she was just as much a stranger as the people passing me now. Did Zae just not care enough? Did he not know how to handle it? Did he just not see it? Could he not see how each day was a little harder? how all I could do was look at her or stare into space? How deep the bags in my eyes have gotten, or how my bones showed just a little bit more? Could he not hear the shift in my voice, or see the lack of trying in how I looked, or what I did? I spiraled and spiraled trying to figure out. But maybe trying to figure it out was foolish.

I slammed my locker door shut and leaned my forehead against the locker. I've only been through three periods and my body already felt checked out.

"Do you still feel a bit of Friday?" I lifted my head to meet the voice beside me, I grinned and leaned my body into the metal instead.

"No, I think Friday is out of my system," Then she smiled too. My heart started to pound; I could hardly believe that she was speaking to me. Last Friday wasn't the only time I had met someone at a party. But it was the first time someone had made a reappearance.

"Are you ready for-?"

"Maya!" Riley bounced in front of Ellie as if she wasn't there. Ellie glanced away and seeing it made my heart shift for a moment. I sucked in a breath and smiled before saying her name back with the same enthusiasm, only my enthusiasm was nullified, "We missed you last night," I turned back to my locker and input the code, anything to avoid looking into those eyes, if I had looked I was scared I may see insincerity.

"Sorry I didn't go," I responded, reopening my locker and shifting through, not for anything in particular. I couldn't look at her for too long without, feeling hurt. Hopefully, that was something I could get over, it was starting to get exhausting.

"Oh that's okay," she beamed, "There's always next Friday," Yes, I guess there was next Friday and every Friday after that. She threw her arms around me and squeezed too quickly for me to return her hug. "I'll see you later Peaches," I looked to the ground instead of watching her leave.

"Is she always like that?" Ellie asked, I clenched my jaw and continued to shuffle through my things.

"Yeah," I replied, her morning hugs were the only thing in the routine we use to have that hadn't changed. What no longer remained was the peck of her lips on my cheek, we no longer slightly touched hands before she twisted away from me to head for geometry. I was happy I still had the hugs, but sometimes I wished they ceased so maybe I could move on a bit faster.

Ellie brought me back with a slam of her hand on my locker door, before I could make any interjection she left in a long-legged stride. I swallowed with the thought still hanging in the air. Before I could let myself dwell on it for anything more than a moment, I pressed my books to my chest. And followed her same path towards the fourth period.

Chemistry actually was different today, knowing Ellie was behind me. When I glanced back, she was folding a paper airplane. The teacher paid no mind as if he had given up on telling her what she should be doing a long time ago. I creased my lips a bit before returning my attention back to Mr. Wells, and as always, his voice was just monotoned enough to allow me to drift off on my propped hand, and it was almost enough to make me close my eyes, but something sharp hit my back. I whipped my head behind me. Ellie hadn't just made one, paper airplane she had made five, and were all lined along her desk, 'watch this' she mouthed, her face filled with excitement. I narrowed my eyes as she raised her arm up and into position to throw. She pulled back once, twice, then let it fly across the room, as soon as the nose of her plane dove into the trash can-

"Detention Miss Williams," Mr. Wells said in between his lecture. Ellie frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. Shaking my head, I pivoted back to the front with a growing grin, "Now please break up into partners, and begin," my smile was quickly wiped away. I normally did any sort of partner work alone despite Mr. Wells pushing to get me to branch out. I grabbed my pencil and stared at the swirling equations before me. After a moment I dropped my pencil and just stared at the paper. I missed having Riley in here. Not just because she knew what we were actually doing, but she looked so beautiful while doing it. My jaw tightened. I hated the organ that sat so roughly underneath my ribs. Anything I did made it pound a little harder for her. I missed her presence and her touch. It still longed for the days spent sitting on the bay window, mouths connecting, and laughter exchanged. It still longed for the nights we slept next to each other. And I think it always will, despite just how far Riley was.

"So what are we doing?" I snapped my head to Ellie beside me. I shook my head.

"What are you doing?" I responded.

"Chemistry I thought," she replied just as quickly pretending to scan over her paper. I bit my cheek.

"I have no clue," I answered with solemn honesty.

"You're supposed to be the smarter of the two of us," I shook my head quickly, laughing almost at the thought.

"You chose the wrong partner. If you wanted someone smart you should have chosen Penelope," I pointed my thumb to the farthest corner, we both looked, and both crinkled our faces as she dug her finger into her nose.

"No thanks, I prefer you by a long shot," I thought through that sentence, but quickly shook it off. We turned back and stared at our sheets for a while in silence, and when it did break, I met her stare, "So, your friend seems nice" I glanced away feeling I was getting lost in the many hues of green.

"She is," I responded, picking up my pencil and attempting to work on the dancing equations. Unable to focus on any number at all.

"When did you say your last detention was again?" I folded my hands over the desk and turned to her. I raised my brow, now remembering why I hated group work so much, there was almost always only one carrying the entirety of the weight, "Like sixth grade?" she was folding her paper into another plane, "With a sparkler right?" Where was she going with this? a part of me was impressed at how much she remembered, I hardly remembered that conversation at all, "Ever thrown a paper airplane at Mr. Wells?"

Before I could connect the words, establish a feeling, and process the plane between her thumb and forefinger, the plane left her grip and hit Mr. Wells in the back of his head.

"Williams!" he said, grinding his teeth and turning red.

"That one wasn't me this time sir," she responded, pointing to a baffled me.

"Detention, Hart," I bit my cheek and averted Ellie's gaze. Suppressing the rising urge to snap at her, scream and yell, just letting it build and boil inside. When I looked back to her, she was filling out her paper with ease, hardly taking the time to think, just writing, having little trouble at all. I twisted my lips. And clenched my teeth. It's been six years since my last detention. Sure I might've enjoyed it then, the thrill of plotting, ignoring the rules. But now? I couldn't see the joy in staring at homework and hearing the clock. I tapped my pencil against the wood with little to no meaning at all besides frustration. I couldn't go to the cafe, what was I supposed to tell Riley, what was I supposed to tell my mom.

I lingered a while outside of the doorway before stepping in, twisting my hands. The fury against Ellie hadn't gone away. I had avoided trouble for so long, classifying it as the old Maya, someone Riley could never love, as a friend or more. This new Maya shouldn't be here, and since I was, what were the chances that Riley would come back to me? and my mom, when she had heard, all she said was she would see me when I got home. I knew she was just as disappointed as Riley, and Matthews.

"Miss. Williams, I'm getting tired of seeing you every day," Mr. Matthews said leaning onto the edge of his desk.

"That makes the two of us Matthews," She replied. When our eyes locked, as I stepped into the classroom, Cory turned to meet me as well.

Matthews narrowed his eyes and watched me take a seat. Every hour after fourth period I dreaded this moment, seeing that disappointment written on his face, the same disappointment that Riley was wearing when I told her. I didn't tell her it wasn't my fault when I had, no, I knew Riley would've fixed it. Rightfully so I didn't deserve detention. I should have told Matthews I was here because Ellie was bored in class. But the words never came out. Instead, I pulled out my unfinished Chemistry page and stared, yet again at the equations. Matthew's made no comments further, I watched him leave the classroom with an "I'll be back" and a stack of papers.

"Need some help?" Ellie offered, sliding her desk closer to mine in a loud obnoxious scoot.

"No," I responded, fully intending the hostility, and scooting my own desk away just as loudly and obnoxiously.

"Are you mad at me?" she questioned again propping her feet up.

"What do you think?" I snapped back, straining my eyes, staring at the problems.

"I'll take anger over sad," she responded simply. That's when I looked at her, easing the hatred on my face. I chewed my lip between my teeth. I realized now that what she had done wasn't to get me in trouble for any sort of gain of her own. For some reason, it was for my benefit. Though I didn't understand it. How could she have thought it made me feel any better? What I was feeling was anger, besides that? I couldn't place it. With the ticking clock, I was still just staring at the page, and after sixty seconds had passed I opened my mouth to ask, but Matthews stepped in and took his place at his desk to grade papers.

When our thirty minutes were up he dismissed us. Ellie stood up first, leaving me and Matthews in the now deathly silent room. What was bothering me now wasn't the mere silence, what could have been said between me and him. It was what could've been said between me and her. What I now wanted to know, all that was unsaid now dangled uneasily above my head. I slid my desk back in place. When I glanced up I noticed a small piece of paper folded, on Ellie's now empty spot.

"Maya, are you doing alright?" Matthews started, I pushed Ellie's desk back to its place grabbing the slip and opening it. I smiled. I smiled wide, then I looked at him.

"Yeah Matthews, I'm alright, it won't happen again," I promised, swinging my backpack over my shoulder and tucking the paper into my pocket. I met his dismal stare. Before heading out the door.

~Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/980496270-reasons-to-stay-someone-you-loved

Suggested song/ Inspiration for the chapter

[juliawrites-fiction]

~Chapter 1: Lying That You Love Me~

"I really like Lucas," Riley said, as she glanced behind me at him with that look, our look. I followed her gaze to the blonde making his way through the crowd. Flashing his bleached smile at us. Maybe it was the overly whitened teeth, or the new buzz cut, the countryish way he dressed, or the slight accent. Something, It had to be something. It could just be because he was him. I took a sip of water, quickly coming to the conclusion that I needed something stronger. I used to enjoy parties. I loved the crowd, and the loud music, I loved the endless dancing, and the way everyone let go. Here, school didn't exist. After we convinced our parents we could go out safely, and we meet curfew with no problems, these parties became our usual Friday outings. We always left with smiles and laughter. That was then, now? I hated it. The crowd was overwhelming, the music made my head hurt, I no longer cared to dance, and though there were still smiles by the end of the night; mine took too much effort to form anymore. Now going felt like an obligation or a chore, and less like a relaxing ending to the week.

"You guys do have a lot in common," I admitted with a grin, not really a lie. They did have backstabbing in common. Riley gave me her trademark of a smile back, the bubbly one with the creases of dimples within her cheeks. The difference between hers and mine? Hers was real. It almost enraged me with how comfortable she was talking about him with me. Though it had been a couple months since us, I was obviously still not past it, where she was. Lucas approached us with two cups in hand and that damned charming smile. I wanted to wipe it away, cause him a small fraction of the pain he caused me. Though I never would, not because I cared how he felt, but because I knew I would lose Riley for sure.

"Hey short-stack," I swallowed at the nickname I used to be so fond of. A nickname implied close friendship, It was hard enough being friends with Riley, I didn't have enough energy to fake it through another friend. It hurt far too much. Riley had told me to try, and practically begged me to pretend to get along. But I couldn't help but let something cold slip into our brisk conversations. Recently I decided to say a few words, it was the only way I could interact with him. Eventually, maybe I could get to the point of trying. But not anytime soon, not in the few months of finding him kissing my girlfriend. Ex, I reminded, she's your ex-girlfriend. And she's moved on. My heart descended in my chest at the thought.

I felt the strong urge to run away, I knew running wouldn't solve anything. But if I continued to stand between them I might burst into tears.

"Hey Lucas," I managed before turning from them. I could picture the unpleasant reaction from both of them. But I couldn't care, I kept trying to convince myself I didn't care as the pressure behind my nose grew. I shoved my way through the crowd keeping my head down, pressing on backs. I knew the inevitable day would come when I would have to see them together, I shoved faster, mumbling 'excuse me's, at some point my words turned into quiet 'moves'. Now I was in incredible danger of crying, the lies I told myself were no longer working. My chest started to knot, and I squeezed my eyes shut for only a moment. But that moment was enough for me to trip on my boot, and when I fell, someone went down with me.

My drink hit the floor; people dodged out of the way cursing and complaining at the interruption. I pushed onto my hands immediately to see who had broken my fall. I hoped more than anything it wasn't one of the popular students I spent my High School career avoiding. But the girl beneath me just smiled. Not even in annoyance.

"I am so sorry," I started to push myself up to my feet. She watched me struggle to stand. And when I did eventually stabilize myself; she heaved herself up too. I adjusted my strap back over my shoulder keeping my head low.

"You alright?" She asked, finally speaking. I admit I imagined her voice to be more vexed. After all, my water left a wet spot on her gray undershirt. But she sounded genuine, "You're crying," I was, I shot a hand quickly to the corner of my eyes, in hopes that it would stop way before it was out of my control. I pointed to the spot on her shirt, "Oh don't worry about it," she brushed off, taking the edge of her shirt and fanning it out, "Besides its just-" she paused meeting my stare, "Water," I nodded still trying to rid the tears from my eyes and the dampness over my cheeks. I inhaled deeply before taking in my surroundings, which had returned to normal, despite my disruption, "I know you from somewhere," I creased my brows and took a moment to actually process who I had bulldozed.

She was taller than me, her nose dotted in freckles. Where I used cosmetics, she was naturally beautiful without them. Her green eyes made it hard not to stare. Her brunette hair was halfway tied up. I chose a sparkly top, and slick jeans, she wore a flannel over her well worn tee, and jeans torn to shreds at the knees. Boyish, I could never pull it off, "Chemistry," that's it, I remembered her. I recalled that grin when I turned briefly in class, to add onto her previous side comment about the teacher. The scuffles she got in with Mr. Wells made it worth staying awake, at least until she was sent out of the classroom. I couldn't recall her name, but I doubted she knew mine either.

"Right," I responded, creasing my lips for probably the first time since the night started.

"I hate that class," she scoffed.

"Mr. Wells hates you," Riley had always been my filter, she always told me I sounded meaner than I meant. I almost felt the ghost of her elbow hitting me in warning.

"God, I know," I released the hold in my chest, relieved she understood my banter, "Mostly my fault," she said in consideration, "Do you want another drink?" My eyes found Riley in a newfound corner by the entrance. She and Lucas were laughing, her leaning into him a little too close to be 'just friends' like she promised. My absence would hardly be noted, so I nodded.

The kitchen was less crowded than the living room and hallways; it looked like nothing more than a space to throw cups, and leave discarded beer cans. And to my displeasure a couples getaway. I kept my eyes on Ellie as she stopped in front of the counter filled with booze. She scanned them over as if searching for something specific.

"You didn't say your name," she said, frowning at the choices but eventually grabbing a bottle halfway filled with a neon blue liquid.

"Well I pretty much bulldozed you to the ground, I didn't think you wanted my name," I responded, eyeing the amount she poured into a cup. She popped the top back on and extended the red solo cup towards me, clashing our sight again, "Maya," I gave her, taking the cup. She nodded, grabbing the bottle.

"Ellie," she gave back, her grin contagious, "First things first what are you doing drinking tap water at a party," I raised a brow.

"Oh yeah? Any other complaints?" I teased.

"Yeah actually," She raised the bottle to her lips, drinking a fair amount before saying, "Watch where you're going," I laughed, a real laugh, one that swelled my chest with a small amount of hope. I raised my cup to my lips. The last time I had tried to drink anything more than soda, or water, Riley was there to stop me, to remind me I was no longer the rebellious Maya. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't exactly rebellion, but tasting the sweet burn down the back of my throat sent the adrenaline of insurgence. Besides Riley wasn't here to stop me, she was in her corner with Lucas, unaware and unworried about my distance and disinterest. She could have her fun, just as I could have my own.

~

"Twelve weeks?!" I said with a furrow of my brow and a lift of my cup. By now the liquor had raised my voice and tempered my cheeks.

"Yes, but to be fair, I guess, I deserved it," I nodded in agreement, "What about you? What's the best you've ever done to get detention?" I shook my head recalling my numerous detentions. Though my decisions were bad, Ellie's accidental fire was by far the best thing I had ever heard, her detentions were more recent anyways. I hadn't been in detention since seventh grade. Her last was just last week. I missed it, detention was fun to earn, but Riley and her dad, Mr. Matthews, stomped the joy out of me. Now my plotting was replaced with straight A's, and I've learned to avoid trouble.

"In sixth grade I set off the fire alarm with a sparkler during my no homework movement," And that was my worst, I lowered my cup to my lap. My hands cradled it as if it were an anchor. People change people, my stepdad, Shawn, had told me that. And though I genuinely believed it was for the best, and that I was a better person now, for some reason since that I've felt incredibly lost. Like I was living someone else's life.

"You seem sad," Ellie interjected past my thoughts.

"What?"

"I just can tell that you're not happy," She corrected, now seeming nervous and looking to the ground, "Do you want to talk about it?" My spot on the couch felt heavy in the spotlight. I've always wished for someone to notice, and now that the moment was happening I didn't know what to say. I tried not to wear it so visibly. But apparently it was so crystal clear enough for someone I had only known for two hours could see past it. How couldn't my friends notice?

"No, I'm just tired," I answered simply instead. Ellie bit her lip, as if trying to dig through things to say but not quite finding anything.

"Maya!" my body tensed as Riley's hands hit my shoulders, she leaned down just far enough for her breath to hit behind my ear. The slight twinge of liquor coated her breath. I wanted to say something about it. But even after a few cups, I still didn't possess the courage, "We're going over to Farkle's for dinner," I'm not sure just how much time I've spent with Ellie, but I did know that in that time the awful mood I was in earlier, had changed. Now I could already feel a downward spiral.

"Actually, I'm going to stay a bit longer, but I'll see you guys tomorrow," I found Riley's brown eyes, the ones I used to love so much. Now all staring did was splinter my heart.

"Alright," She replied brightly, in acceptance, before turning and looping arms with Lucas, Were not together, I believed her when she told me that, at least I wanted to. I inhaled deep enough to fill my stomach, but it caught in my chest where the hurt rested. When I turned back to Ellie, I realized how she was able to read me so easily, what I saw lining her face was worry and a hint of sadness. Her lips were turned down, and in the light, the green didn't sparkle as much.

"So have you ever gone a day without detention?" I asked, not being able to respond to any questions I could tell she wanted to ask.

"Once," she sighed.

The world was spinning now, growing more and more intense as I kept asking Ellie to refill my cup. Eventually the only background noise became the music, as more people left. I took Ellie's offer for a ride home, fully knowing the walk back to my house was nearly impossible. She helped my wobbly body into her beaten truck. I leaned my head on the window as soon as she slammed the squeaky door shut. The lights beyond the window were hazy, the road outside twisted more than usual.

"How are you so conscious," I asked, tripping over the sentence entirely.

"You had a little more than I did," she laughed out. I clenched my jaw and shut my eyes. That may have been true, even though I couldn't quite recall it. I didn't think I minded this feeling. The feeling of slowing time, heat in my cheeks, or floating body. Ellie turned on a quieted tune on the radio.

The last time I felt this much euphoria, or peace of mind, was when I had first told Riley how I felt. I remembered her smile. The way her cheeks blushed. I remembered the sunlight pouring through her hair, and painting her skin in an unforgettable gold. Then I remembered the way her palms cradled my chin, and brought me into a kiss. That secret was out and it brought me a sense of peace. The truck came to a stop, my eyelids felt like weights as I opened them to my dreadful apartment building. I sluggishly sat up and tried to grab the door handle, missing it several times at first. I wasn't as okay as my body made me believe, even still I turned to Ellie and smiled.

"Do you want help inside?" She was so gentle in a way I couldn't explain.

"No, No, I got this," I reassured, blinking trying to reset myself, and though I thought I said it clearly I still questioned if it had actually come out correctly.

"Alright," she answered with a smile back. I climbed out of the now seemingly taller truck, trying to be especially aware of my movements.

I didn't look back at the truck like I wanted to. For some reason a wave of embarrassment hit me, it felt wrong to acknowledge the heating in my body. I thought at first it was just the liquor, but this heat was from my toes to my forehead, and hurt in my cheeks, causing butterflies in my stomach. Still, I kept my eyes forward as I climbed the steps. Shawn and my mom were probably long asleep, when I climbed into bed the silence rang in my ears. I was sleepy, but instead of closing my eyes, I lavished in the floating feeling my body felt. 

~Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/976848235-reasons-to-stay-lying-that-you-love-me

Suggested song/ Inspiration for the chapter