juicyjuiceofficial

[juicyjuiceofficial]

[juicyjuiceofficial]

does anyone understand

[juicyjuiceofficial]

i am..... insecure . like horrendously so . im insecure about who i am as a person , my lack of substance and intrigue and general experiences . i wanted a life painted with vivid color and texture but what ive created is lifeless , flat , and derivative .

honestly i dont know why i dont just accept that as who i am , return to who i used to be and withdraw from the world . take off the kaleidoscopic façade made of scraps stolen from everyone around me and trudge through life as the insignificant creature i was born to be .

would i still be loved then ? would i still be worthy of the few good things life has given me ? if people saw what lies beneath , this shivering sniveling thing at the core of this husk , how quickly would they choose the better option and walk away ?

it keeps me up at night . at what point will she see im the worst choice she couldve made ? at what point will the boredom set in and ill be left to rot once more ? how soon will my incessant sadness and wailing push everyone away and how will i live with myself when it does ?

why am i like this ?

is it just me ? or do the others who live in my head feel the same ? does talia have these thoughts ? does arya ache when she remembers who we are ? is it only my closest mental neighbors ? who else in here is forever sinking into the ground and breathing in the dirt ? who else in here is terrified of losing the one pedometer who truly sees us . who else is grappling with their ignorance and triviality ?

triviality...

thats it isnt it ? the word to describe what im feeling ? i meet and know so many people with depth and subatance and storied existences and ive conviced them im one of them . or at least ive tried to . surely some of them see through the carefully curated persona and see the banal troglodyte lying beneath , terrified of the day shes found out and shoved back in her cave .

someone whos convinced herself that vocabulary is intellect .

i wish i could run away , i wish i could disappear and re-emerge exactly wher i am now but with the worldly experiences to raise my caliber to that of "human being."

[juicyjuiceofficial]

a good post for once

gods i cant stop thinking about the girl i met the other night shes so tall and beautiful fuck i genuinely cant get her off my mind like im going back to the bar she hangs out at and im so nervous that i might see her but i also want to see her , i wanna see her so badly ive been kicking myself for not asking for her number . like oh my gods i havent felt like this in a long time , i just hope i made a good impression on her , i was really drunk when i saw her saturday and im scared i made a fool of myself flirting with her . im gonna try and just be foreward next time i see her and ask her out , i hope she says yes . part of me is terrified she was just being nice when we were talking and if thats the case so be it . i just need to know for sure . even if she says no id like to keep her around cuz she genuinely seems cool . i mean she crochets at the bar for fucks sake . and shes just so hot i wanna pass out

[juicyjuiceofficial]

this is the funniest reply i’ve ever seen

[juicyjuiceofficial]

that feeling when you wanna shove a shitgun in your mouth <3

[juicyjuiceofficial]

I'm genuinely not doing well lol and I just really realized that if I don't off myself I'm gonna have to exist like this for another forty fucking years

like fuck im 27 and I've been wishing I could die for 20 years . I've never gotten to live and to be honest every attempt I make at forging a life worth living is futile

I wish I was something worth saving

I wish I was a human being

I wish I wasn't an eclectic cunt

I wish I could find joy in pokemon or star wars or some other inane bullshit

I wish I knew how to be normal for one goddamn second

cuz fuck my dude what I'm working with just leaves me isolated . I'm too stupid and unread to even fit in with the pretentious assholes who might actually get me .

I wonder what it's like to be seen . to be understood . to cared for in a way that feels honest and secure

I wonder what it's like to feel held

[juicyjuiceofficial]

I'm so tired I wish I could fucking die already

that's how I know manifesting isn't real I've been begging for death for decades but still nothing

[juicyjuiceofficial]

I don't know what's wrong with me . like why am I like this ? why can't I just Be Normal about something for once ? why must I conflate any sort of kindness with romantic affection ? why can't I just have friends ? why do I have to be obsessed with them , shape my life around them , take it too far and confuse myself ? why can't I just Be Normal about it ?

I always have to train myself to be unattracted to people when they're kind to me . I always catch myself shifting my love from platonic to flirtatious . I tell myself I want romance so I'm not lonely but what I really want is to stop the confusion , end the hunger that makes me water at the mouth for even a glimmer of tenderness . I hate that I'm like this I hate all of the wanting . I hate supporting myself on two broken legs .

I wish I could feel seen . feel understood and held . I wish I could be something worth wanting , worth caring for , worth holding .

whatever Gods who cursed me with this life will have to pay for their crimes

[juicyjuiceofficial]

this shit just doesn't get better for me does it lol , like I love how I get to see my friends work their way into financial stability but then I get to slowly kill myself and barely scrape by , I'm not unhappy for them , they deserve security but fuck when do I get to fucking live for once . it's so fucking discouraging to see people succeed and get the opportunity to thrive while you just get left behind to drown 🙃 I swear to God why shouldn't I kill myself at this point . like if I don't get to live what's the point of trying

[juicyjuiceofficial]

[juicyjuiceofficial]

I'm back lol . ive been mostly venting on my discord . the one that only I'm in and that nobody else knows about lol

I still wanna kill myself tho . I thought getting a new job would help . I thought improving my living situation would help . i thought things might actually be looking up .

Completely wrong lmao . theres no extended moments of quiet here . I love mckenzie but I dont think she realizes how much existing exhausts me or how my senses are always going insane and I need quiet sometimes .

my new job is great . but the schedule change has basically made therapy impossible . I feel like ive reverted and I'm falling back into that place I spent over a decade in .

and I feel so alone . I'm always feeling like I'm too much for everyone . I'm too loud , to jokey , too oblivious .

I really want to kill myself

who cares tho

[juicyjuiceofficial]

long time no talk anyway I'm crying now lmao

Julie said I cant hang tomorrow for new years because their mom said no and I'm crying

why am I crying im a fucking adult

like fuck

this is the worst ive felt in a while

and I know it isnt personal

and I know I didmt do amything

but like.... new years is the day

its been the day

I spend new years with Julie and that's our day

the one day we have always seen each other

I was so excited

i took the day off in like february and like... thisbis the one day

and its not like I'm gonna ask them to spend new years away from their family but idk this shit still hurts

I mean everythung hurts all the time and it never ends but thiSs Hurts

and I know this reaction isnt normal but the rational side of my brain is shut off and I'm just hearing sirens rn

and I cant kill myself because then theyd thinkbit was their fault

and no I cant let that happen

maybe I can see mckenzie tomorrow but shes a real grown up

new years is the one night a year where I let myself go completely feral

I'm the loudest , wildest , drunkest I can get . its not healthy I know that but sometimes ypu need to go apeshit and i cant this year . at least not the way i wanted to .

and I'm sure part of it is julies mom doesnt like me and that's valid

tbh all I can think about is swallowing my bottle of welbutrin

how many milligrams do ypu think that is ?

I take 2 150 mg pills a day and I think theres a months worth in there

9000 ?

9000 milligrams . idk if itd kill me but the coma would be heaven

but I cant do that right now

its too soon and Julie would think they're the reason I did it

but its not their fault

ive wanted this for so long

I dont wanna be here anymore

I wanted to before the new years news and I'll want to after too

if I were to do it I could never tell Julie

and mckenzies already on the brink herself so what happens if I succeed ?

I'm not killing myself tonight

god my brain is so fucking broken

[juicyjuiceofficial]

I pour so much love into people . I do everything in my power to let them know I care . I want them to never forget that they are loved . that they can confide in me . that they deserve the world and more . and I truly believe all of that . and I hold no animosity toward them . the people I love have different love languages and show their affection differently than I do . I still wish they would be a little louder sometimes though . the rational part of me knows I am loved but my soul is telling me I'm alone here . I dont exist here . i am no one . I am nothing . I just need to be reminded that I'm real to someone .

[juicyjuiceofficial]

sup ! feeling absolutely nothing lads ! isn’t that just amazing . just kidding i don’t feel nothing i feel empty ! almost the same thing tho LOL .

idek why i decided to write that lmao . i mean that Is how i talk about my depression and stuff to my friends but i don’t do that here really idk . maybe i do sometimes . i don’t exactly come back and reread this stuff.

but yeah been feeling hella empty nowadays . christ i’m not even talking like myself , literally i’m hearing this whole inner monologue in justin wha ngs voice and i literally don’t know why . im just not here . i play a someone else at work and i play a different but equally fake person at home . usually when i see my friends i’m only a little fake (mostly just saying i’m feeling better than i really am , not bringing up stuff that’s weighing me down . pretty usual stuff ) but still it feels so cathartic and i need it . i haven’t seen anyone in at least a week and that’s definitely on me because i tend to be closed off and don’t speak unless spoken to but it’s still taking a toll . those hours of almost true authenticity feel so good that i’m fine for days before i start to want that feeling back .

which brings us to now . i’m back to being a depressed asshole binging in her room for an entire day and continuing to wallow

ya know i write here to get my emotions out so i can feel better but this didn’t work today

i just wanna disappear lmao

[juicyjuiceofficial]

it’s so weird to me that i’ve never had any media i fully relate to ..... i don’t think that’s normal . i feel so isolated and i never feel like i can tell anyone and it makes me wanna die . i don’t exist in any capacity other than a sidekick or a comic relief . or once or twice as a fetish with a paper thin personality . and that’s even if someone like me is there at all . i never feel like i can voice these things tho cuz who fucking cares ???? and don’t get me wrong i love the characters who have personalities similar to line (mostly lesbians strangely enough which is probably why i gravitate toward wlw content) but itd be nice to have one who i could look at and be like !!!! it me !!!! i mean it happened once in dirty girl but it was panned and made no money and plus he was still the sidekick but still

idk what brought this up lol but idk ive been thinking i guess

i do feel alone tho . i need therapy . i need friends who i can see maybe once a week . i need free time . i wanna feel comfortable . i hate being alone

[juicyjuiceofficial]

long time no post lol i’m doing bad lol feeing great lol

ya know i’m actually terrified of therapy ???? like for real it scares the shit out of me . like i know something’s wrong with me there’s fucking So much wrong with me but i’m so scared to find out what ??. i’m scared that everything i am is a product of my mystery illness . i’m scared i’m the one hurting my friends and i don’t even know it . i’m scared that i need to be locked away because i don’t understand how people work and sometimes that gives me Bad thoughts . i really don’t understand people ..... most of them are so loud and get too close i don’t like any of it . i can tolerate it because i’ve been around them so long but people are so hard to be around . there’s all this noise and emotions and i don’t know how to make it all better . i don’t know how any of this works . that’s why i love music . it makes sense . and every time you hear it it’s the same basic structure . music can be loud but that’s because the chaos is calculated most of the time. . people don’t make sense like that and it makes my brain shake in my skull . i’m scared of everything and i pretend to have all the normal emotions for everything but i just process things different and i’m scared if people knows they’d call me a sociopath or something . i don’t feel anything like real people and i’m scared the real people will find out .

i want the moon to help me but i can’t go outside to see her . anyways i’m drunk and i took some tramadol which i hate but at least when you booze it up is actually has an affect .

i’m doing great lol

✌️