juicebarsworld

[juicebarsworld]

happy moments

[juicebarsworld]

back to uni vibes !

- met w my supervisor he is nice and we had the same shoes !! excited to do sum research

- saw friends and we talked about mushrooms and brewing

- applied for a cheeky lil internship

- saw MORE friends and we talked about piano rooms

feelin happy

[juicebarsworld]

no thoughts lately just been super obsessed w avocado. im fiending. so good

[juicebarsworld]

translucent

i went on a long walk yesterday and all i could think of was funerals. uncomfortable wooden pews and someone’s hand holding mine, clutching a damp tissue - their words and touch are comfort to me. i thought of grief, and the guilty relief that oftentimes follows. after reaching a bend in the road i realised i was far, far away - the rustle of unseen creatures darting away from my echoing steps was occurring in a different universe. i realised i couldn’t tell how far away things were anymore. i’ve been visiting places we used to go, like i’ll find you there in the ED at rosebud or at the bottom of olinda golf course. 

no, no, i’d say you’re book smart - 

deliberate. as i drank my coffee it dawned on me that i am translucent. i fear my wants have been clear to everyone this entire time, though they seldom are to me. last night and i sat in my chair and sobbed for the first time in a long time, wishing it was a pew. you may think i’m evil but i swear i’m just hurting. drowning in the fear that you will never understand. i think of the warmth of laughter, of the gentle pressure of a hip against mine, and the feeling when our eyes meet. it helps to alleviate the ache in my stomach - but also worsens it. 

our whole friendship dynamic is us discussing our woes and i love that -

this morning i collected myself and all my pieces and went walking again. there was peace in the warm sun and in a conversation with my mother. my departure from her is a hard pill we will both have to swallow in time. but for now, we are here, it is warm. most people do not make me feel like a stunted child. i will take that comfort with me wherever i can. 

[juicebarsworld]

its weird, the first time returning to a place where you made such vivid memories. i wish i could go back to the last time i was here. i wish i could relive it all.

[juicebarsworld]

dump 2/7/23

my stomach hurts really bad but i’m most definitely being brave about it. also recently discovered the epic highs and lows of ... not being scared of people?? like, recently something just clicked in me and the anxiety has gone quiet (for the most part) and i can be more myself and open and actually connect. speaking of, eye contact? recently just learned how to do that and WOOOOWWWW yall rly gatekept that one. something about looking into peoples eyes just reminds me that we’re all just humans trying to connect with each other fr. and like inside jokes and shared memories and cuddles and giggling like AHH that shit keeps me going ong. 

i think what it is is that im experiencing platonic love for like one of the first times ever. like, yeah, i’ve had friends before but a lot of them actually didnt like me (half valid but its okay i had a lot of shit i hadn’t dealt with and probably so did they) and because of that a lot of the time socialising just felt like trying to climb the rungs of a ladder and it was all just pressure and i just shut down most of the time. my thoughts would be “i hope i perform well and dont embarrass myself” instead of “i love this person, i enjoy talking to them”. 

anyways, all this to say that right now in my life i feel really loved and to all my new friends and old i love u all sm each and every one of u is helping me be a better person every day :)

[juicebarsworld]

day 2 of hotham and day 12 without my best friend in the world. feeling happier than i expected to be :)