jst-asking

[jst-asking]

If i worked in a grocery store id just be walking up to people like Hey man welcome to blueberries i hope you have a great time Id be wandering around welcoming people to tomato and green onion and theyd fire my ass because i also killed someone because i went crazy

[jst-asking]

WHEN ON PERIOD:

do not crash out

your feelings are NOT valid

do not send that text

don't kill yourself. lock in

do not act on negative emotions until at least 2 days have elapsed

[jst-asking]

It's decided.

[jst-asking]

It's like my entire existence annoys him. What's the point.

[jst-asking]

Should have learned my lesson to just shut the fuck up in France but I'm a major fucking idiot who never learns. Cannot ever do anything right, nothing but criticisms.

[jst-asking]

Can't do anything right, per usual.

[jst-asking]

Idk if his default to everyone is just word things as rudely as possible or if it's just to me. "You can't bother putting your phone down?" Cool, very helpful. And he wonders why I'm so fucking insecure? September won't be an issue, don't you worry at all.

[jst-asking]

He must hate me. I don't even have to do anything for it, just me being here is too much. Just me existing in the same room.

[jst-asking]

I should die, literally everything for everyone would be better. Miserable bitch.

[jst-asking]

Cannot recall the last time I've been this suicidal for this long

[jst-asking]

There's really only one way this is headed and I think it's soon

[jst-asking]

Why would you let me terminate my lease if you're still unsure you even want me there?

[jst-asking]

If I don't get manager then I'll probably Jill myself because what even is the point anymore, things are falling apart right as they were starting to come together.

[jst-asking]

Leave it to me to ruin everything when I have been trying so hard to be aware. I fucking hate myself.

[jst-asking]

I want to feel good about his comments of "I'm too comfortable with you," because maybe he's saying it as a kind of shocked thing, like he never expected to feel like he can be himself fully around a partner? But at the same time maybe it just means that I'm a safe choice and he doesn't feel a desire to wow me or w/e. It doesn't really matter. Even if it is the latter then that means I don't have to worry too too much. He did say that he's always looking for better though so actually no scratch that. I know there is better. And I know he will find it in a format that's available to him. So even if I am a safe choice, I can't feel comfortable in that. Amazing.

[jst-asking]

Hate having to defend myself all the time and then it just makes things worse anyway.

[jst-asking]

I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me. If he regrets this. Maybe he thinks he's made a huge mistake. I just want him to be mean to me to tell me to go away to tell me to shut up not in a playful way to break my heart because it's what I feel like I deserve. I deserve the insults, the judgement. He doesn't have that good of a time with me if we don't actually ignore how horrible a person I am, so I don't know why he'd even want to stay. Maybe guilt, too many plans, too much talk about the future, maybe embarrassment from having inserted me so much into his life and so it's hard to face the reality of having to tell them all that it's over for real. I deserve every bit of not great treatment I get. I'm ugly and I'm far too fragile physically and mentally to deal with. Just tell me what else is wrong with me. Surely there must be some relief when you lash out at me and tell me you don't want to be with someone who has scars all over her face, when you tell me you have to walk on even greater eggshells when we're around "the love of your life." Surely there's more you'd want to say.