joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

Human habits that I find adorable

Part 1

The small contented smile that washes over a person's face as they snuggle into something fluffy

[joy-the-poet]

I miss the stars. The city robs them away. A blanket of electric amber hum cast upward. Burns my celestial map empty. In my youth I counted them. Watched them in their slow spin in the heavens. In order to know my place. My direction. Now there are none or too few. And those that see me still from their perch. They gaze down sad. At the world of men so defeated. Fixed on their own fading time so hard. Fire imprisoned and put to the lash. To sell a flickering fluorescent story to children. Who have forgotten the cricket song. Who never knew the same music within and without. Who shrink in terror at naked nature and prefer a crowded isolation to silent solitude. Who drone on scrolling dull past all the dancing dead. Consuming in noise. Shrugging in boredom. As we blind in ignorance. One million silver suns.

[joy-the-poet]

You still have a whole other life waiting for you after this.

After my ashes have sunk to the ocean depths where I always felt at home

You will remain on this earth

I hope you live a human life

The full spectrum of all the emotions life has to offer

However you choose to live this life

I'm grateful for your existence

It's a pity I couldn't be there to witness more of it

[joy-the-poet]

These moments of real happiness make it all worthwhile

The days attached to IV's and their incessant beeping.

Enduring quite a bit of pain.

Often vomiting after eating.

And more.

It's enough to drive, even the most resilient of us, to insanity.

But today,

I drank coffee in the cool winter sunshine while scrolling social media.

I chatted and laughed with my two kids and partner as we came up with a plan for painting a mural on the wall.

I cuddled with my wrinkly Shar-Pei as she rolled around on the bed, play biting, and wagging her curly tail.

Hours spent splayed out on the couch playing games and eating snacks.

Blissful moments enmeshed with heart-rending grief.

The privilege of modern medicine that consumes my mind and body

I smile as I'm endlessly torn apart then put back together.

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

I have a soft spot for Eldritch Horror. Then combine it with poetry? Nice!

The Great Joke

in its realm far above,

and slightly to the side,

Azathoth the Idiot God,

dreams us in its mind,

we dance upon our strings,

we play our written parts,

but our life can be encapsulated,

in the beating of its heart,

the cultists know the secret,

reality's final joke,

that any day the sultan could wake,

and we'd vanish in the smoke,

so dance upon the beaches,

tear the world asunder,

take and take till the bells finally ring,

on life's temporary wonder.

[joy-the-poet]

I thought I'd feel lonelier when I left you

That the emptiness in my heart

would grow to consumed me

Yet, when I let go of my yearning for a love you never had to give

I felt my heart's healing song

In the symphony of simplicity

And the harmonious choir of friendship

My heart imbued with song

Drowning out echoes of doubt

that once vibrated through my bones

[joy-the-poet]

What a life I've lived

To the outside eye

One could easily mistake its insignificance with regret

But that is not the case

I've been more than imperfect

In every way

But it was my journey

And there's something comforting in that

...

By joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

All I hear are screams

Our family's wealth

gained from genocide

They'll never hear the screams

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

I was sat next to a grand-old eucalypt the other day.

I told her that experts agree, psychologically, we prepared for my death, then, I didn't die.

I never did know when to stop.

Looking up at the life thriving within her limbs,

I am reminded of the web of existence that entwines us all.

[joy-the-poet]

Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear?

“a bear would stop at death”

“we aren’t choosing the bear because we’d think we’d survive.”

“I’d rather feed a bear and it’s cubs than feed a man’s sick fantasies”

“people would believe me when I told them I was attacked by a bear”

“people would stop the bear”

“if I survived a bear attack, people would call me a warrior, not a whore.”

“a bear wouldn’t come into my room again.”

“A bear would do it out of survival, not enjoyment.”

“I wouldn’t have to see the bear at family reunions”

“a bear wouldn’t rape you.”

“if it was a bear, who’s going to ask me what I was wearing?”

“bears live in the woods, not in your house.”

“I wouldn’t be told to forgive the bear.”

“a bear can kill her or leave her alone, and a man has that and a million other opportunities.”

-a collection of women, and men

[joy-the-poet]

Body Positive

Too many of us lay awake counting calories

Recalling meals with a sense of shame

A multi-generational curse

Born of consumerism

Perpetuated by greed

Throw off the shackles of judgement with me

And rebel with every nourishing mouthful

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

Neutropenic (susceptible to infection)

Straight to the front of triage

This is a public hospital, no money is discussed as almost everything here is free.

I'm placed in the nearest clean room

Waiting for an available doctor

Intern doctor checks me over

Cannula goes into a vein in my hand

I provide a urine sample

I provide a stool sample

I drink water from a small paper cup

Nurses check my temp, 39.8C (103.64F) while asking a million questions

My oncologist has been informed

Eat a cheese sandwich so I can swallow more pills

It's time for a chest x-ray

Antibiotics, IV bag after IV bag

Doctors decide my fever was likely caused by the new chemo

5 days later

I'm home

I can't stop hugging my kids

More chemo on Monday

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

I called them out

They didn't like it

Silence says everything in my country

But only in the silence, could I hear my voice, and it was angry.

[joy-the-poet]

I want to use my voice for Palestine

Join the choir of earth's bravest souls

But I'm quarantined in a hospital bed

Likely to leave this world with little physical pain

A dream-like privilege for those in Gaza

So I write tiny words

on a little cracked screen

Pack them into this app

and throw them into an online sea

Like so many past stranded souls

who've tossed their rolled up notes of hope

into a seemingly endless ocean

Expecting them to sink to the depths

but for the astronomically infinitesimal chance

That someone from Palestine might read it

and even if for a moment

feel a pang of hope

Sent from the other side of the world

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

Dear Emma and Ra,

I'm sorry for that night when I got drunk and told a racist joke that my Father had taught me as a child. And I mean like, seriously racist. Not that you can be "just a little bit" racist or anything.

The memory still causes a wave of ick that starts in my toes and cringes up my spine.

The morning after, I accepted the ugly truth about myself. I've been raised racist.

I've spent the years since then deconstructing much of what I'd been taught as a child. The more I learned, the more injustice I saw, the more unwelcome I felt amongst friends and family.

In fact, it became a good litmus test. If it pisses off my family, then I'm probably on the right track.

So, yeah, I'm sorry for being such a shitty friend, and, well, for being a shitty person in general.

You were both kind to me.

I'm trying to be better.

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

The problem was

The fear in my belly

It was put there

long before the cancer

...

joy-the-poet

[joy-the-poet]

Felt angry today, decided to vent, bon appetit.

TW: SA

A Forest Full of "Men"

By joy-the-poet

Don't.

I won't.

No. Seriously, I don't like it.

Okay, okay, I won't. Promise.

I spat his piss on the floor,

disgusted.

Disgusted at his betrayal.

Disgusted at my cowardice.

He laughed.

Over 35 years on, the bitter taste lingers.