journalofkadidle

[journalofkadidle]

5.5.2018

Today I graduated college. WHOOT! Right? I should be excited and happy and ready to start my life, Right?

I instead am stuck thinking about how my boyfriend, who also graduated with the class of 2018, couldn't be at the ceremony because of a lacrosse game. Yes. They won the MIAA tourney.

He, and the other lax seniors had a small ceremony the day before, which I went to. Just like how I also always go to his games, his art exhibits, and support him in literally everyday that I can. I want to be there for him. But because he's so busy... he never gets to be there for me. And this breaks my heart.

I want more than ANYTHING for my boyfriend to really be proud of me, and be there for my awards and my events. I know that he's doing everything that he can, but it hurts so much every time I do something amazing and he isn't there. It's like reliving my childhood with my dad. Where I wanted him so badly to be there and be proud of me, but he never was.

[journalofkadidle]

(-Leah Stone) Kadidle-Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

Take control by letting go...

Today as I was talking to my counselor, Michelle, we were discussing how I hold on to my emotions, and I carry them around with me.  I have this, super fun, internal need to have everyone like me. I have been so afraid that people don’t like me my entire life, and that’s not to say that I behave in a way that is different from how I would normally act. 

I still am the same loud, loving, over protective person that I have always been. I have no filter, I speak my mind, but I want everyone to leave my presence, in a happier mood. It is my self given purpose in life to make people happy. I know what it is like to feel like there is no one. I know what it is like to feel miserable everyday. I know how hard it can get, and I also know that most people have it worse than I. So, why wouldn’t I want to make my presence be known, and make it an uplifting one.

Back to the point. I’m a people person, and because of that I have a hard time of letting things go. Michelle gave me an anology that I had never heard before. When you step out in the ocean, the wave come and go, just like all the issues that arise in life. Some are bigger than others, some are more powerful than others. But the thing about the waves is if you plant your feet during the tide, it will sweep you away, and throwing you into the sand. Or.. you can pick up your feet, let go of your emotions, let the wave pass and stand up. 

By letting go, you gain control. By stepping back from the situation, understanding your feelings and the feelings of others around you, you can gain control. Control to help relax yourself, control to help solve the problem, or control for the future but not the present.

Just a thought process.

Kadidle-Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

Today is a good day

Reasons why today is no different than any other day, but it is still beautiful.

I woke up next to the love of my life.

I have a beautiful and loyal best bud, Meko, my dog.

The sun is shining.

The birds were singing, this morning.

The dew glistened in the sun, and the leaves moved with the light breeze.

I woke up and saw beauty in the world, and since then the day has been filled with little beauties. I am so thankful for this life.

Kadidle-Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

The impact that you can have on others will always be monumental. But if you're not able to be there for yourself, how can you be there for others?

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

I am the way I am.

Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed I looked in the mirror and immediately said "We have a lot of work to do."

The problem here isn't that I talk to myself, the problem is I don't have a lot of work to do on my external. I never will, because I am me and I am beautiful the way I am.

My skin isn't clear, my hair has split ends, my joints are shit, and my entire body feels closer to 80 yo than 22. But that's all fine.

I stay fit because I love fitness, and the price that I pay for that love is worth it. I sweat constantly, hence breaking out. I push my body farther than I thought possible, hence the bad joints. My hair has split ends from throwing it up into a bun, just to pull it back out again.

These things don't matter. No one cares what I look like, it's only me who cares. Am I over thinking every little thing that I can, in order to ridicule myself? And for what, more unhappiness? Nah, lol I'll pass.

I love my aching joints because that means I know I'm getting the full use out of them! I love the feeling of being dead after a good workout. I love the feeling when my body says no, but my mind say yes. I love this life so much, I want it to be a happy one.

I do have a lot of work to do, mentally. I need to stop with the constant judgements and pressure that I put on myself to be 'beautiful'. I need to stop pointing out the flaws and start pointing out the success. I need to stop taking the stressors out of others lives, to put them in mine.

I need to look out for myself first, because there is only one me. Just as there is only one you.

Kadidle-Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

A happy life?

The goal is to live a happy life, right? That's what everyone wants! We want to be happy and put our best foot forward always, right?

Well, yes, but that's not how it works, and I'm starting to realize that. It's about living a happy life, and doing what makes you happy. Not everyone moment is going to be perfect, in fact I'll go ahead and say there will probably be no 'perfect' moments in our lives, unless we choose to see it that way.

Instead of today being the worst day ever, or saying today was a bad day.. talk about it. Chances are that it wasn't as bad as you're remembering it, and you're stressing yourself out over the little things.

Choosing to see things for what the they really are vs how we want to react to them are different. Everyday, all day we make decisions and form emotions about things based on a gut reaction. It's these reactions that can linger in our minds and can change our attitude for hours, even days.

Remember that everyone reacts to things differently, and you can never truly know what's going on in someone else's head.

Remember that this is your life, you are the only one that can take control of it. You're the one making the decisions, even when it feels out of your hands.

Remember to stay strong, and if you loose your faith that's ok. I'm personally not religious, but I have my values that keep me grounded. Think about what's important to you when you feel helpless, or distraught. And remember that you are the most important thing in your life, no one can take that away from you.

Kadidle Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

Why am I so embarressed?

So. I have complied a list of symptoms and formed a syndrome called wasting syndrome. This is basically when my body had a problem not getting enough energy from food and external sources. This then caused my body to consumed muscle mass for energy, even when I eat enough food. That being said.. the thing that I am most embarrassed of is my shaking.

I have always had a slight hand tremor but it was never really noticeable until all these symptoms started. Now, with it being hard to eat in always shaking. When I'm holding a paper I shake so much that I can't read it. When I go to swipe my debit card it's hard to get it in the slot.. it's the simple things like that that I am so embarrassed of.

I know no one probably notices it, but it's so gross that my body can't even steady itself. It makes me feel unsafe in my own body, almost creating an impending sense of dome.

I normally try to leave there entries as a positive message, but this is was important for me to put into writing.

Kadidle - Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

Random Pinterest Prompt #16

"When I am old, I hope..."

Well I hope for a fuck ton of things.. this is pretty vauge if you're asking me, but I'll give it a shot.

I hope that I can look back at my life and my not remember all this small shit. I've been so stressed, and to be honest pissed off too, and I don't want to remember my youth like that. I hope to remember college, as stress yes, but as the time when I found a home away from home.

I found the love of my life, my absolute best friend for the best of my life, a house of women that I can lean on, and I found myself. I learned to accept myself, my flaws and fabulousness, because let's be honest who doesn't sometimes just feel 'fab'?

I hope I remember the happiness, the laughs, the hugs, the stress and I that I feel pride for the life that I lived.

Kadidle-Hopper

[journalofkadidle]

We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.

Ernest Herningway

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

[journalofkadidle]

Breath in Deeply, Breath out slowly. Feel yourself relax. Now tell yourself that you are you and that is perfectly fine. You are worth more than you can image and you are loved more than you could believe.