journal-kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

I low key got Netflix to watch stranger things.

I have really only been watching anime and k dramas

That is my life ig

[journal-kyanite]

I hate when I have absolutely no one to talk to except my own brain that hates me and tells me lies.

It’s these lies that force me to do things I truly don’t want to do.

[journal-kyanite]

I hate my life. I want to curl up into a ball and cry

[journal-kyanite]

Oh, and after trying to write in a journal every day.. I haven’t been but I’ve been doing here and there and doing days prior. I’m gonna give myself a goal to not write about days prior but only the day of. (I wanted to write in a journal each day of this year starting from January 1st but it’s been sparse so hopefully after creating some new goals within that one that are small and more attainable I may be able to reach them. (Low key needed to tell someone so I can have accountability or at least feel accountable.)

I told this to Badger so hopefully I can start and do this well

I just finished watching “Arrival” (2016) and it was very good. It’s a lot like Interstellar with a take on time. I really enjoyed it.

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

Yesterday was boring. I finished Hereditary from starting it the day before. I did some other things then met up with Rose. That was nice. It’s nice to hang out with her bc she’s really cool.

She shared with me some of her food. A bagel and some soup. We talked about things and it was nice. She dropped me off at home and then about an hour later S & J got me. I was so tired. I didn’t get to talk to Cassie at all. I shouldn’t have asked about PTR. That was dumb.

I took a shower and did some dancing that night and it was fun. Rose asked if I wanted to go to the beach “tmrw” and I’m going today so that’s exciting.

Also yesterday, Lion didn’t open my message till like 6 hours later 🥺🥺🥺🥺 which makes me feel sad. But that’s okay. We are friends and ig I have to be okay with that for now.

Ugh

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

Dream

He was in my dream last night (05/31/22)

We were at this thing and he let me touch his abs again and it was NICE. He was flexing them for me. (I ended up asking him beforehand and just went for it)

I wanna touch his hair and run my fingers though his hair but IM NOT dating himmmm

Gahhhhh

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

I still can’t believe I told him that I have a crush on him. That’s insane. I literally just blurted it out bc there was no going around it easily and I needed to be blunt I think.

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

On Sunday (05/29/22)

I went to church like normal

I stayed in the small bed what Cierra is usually in. So I kinda had my own room. I woke up at like 7 from the dream with the “Redemption House” at like 7:47am due to me accidentally going back to sleep. Nel was annoyed and mad at me the night before bc she was unable to talk much with me on that Sunday but I really needed to talk to Lion anyway. At church I talked a little with Carson. I got to see some pics of Germany and Switzerland which was insanely amazing. Also some ones of him like a video of him drinking coffee. He tried to explain to me he didn’t know why he took it which tbch that was endearing. I loved that. Tbch that was just like him. Anyway, I sat by Nel. It was nice. I was using my phone for my Bible and notebook for notes. After service, I talked to some random people. I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded and the back of my neck was hurting. (I did take excedrin migraine when I had no migraine simply bc I was tired and wanted the energy.) I was texting Lion here and there trying to figure out the time after he said 1pm so I was wondering how I’d get to where we could meet. I wonder where his church is tbch. Not in a creepy way though.

I was very thirsty all that day and the day prior. Idk why. That was weird and I hope I don’t have an issue.

At Panera, I left Nel, after praying with her in the car ride. I was honestly so nervous.

I ordered and got an Asiago bagel and cream cheese. I sat down in a booth. I sat inside of it thinking Lion would sit by me on my right side like normal. He sat across from me. I was still eating my bagel so I gave him my iPad to look at the annotations and questions I put in there. I was so nervous the entire time he was looking at the notes and I was clarifying things and he was answering the qs. I was looking for an “in” to be able to tell him that I have a crush on him.

About an hour in, he ended up coming to my side and sat on my right side bc it was easier than constantly switching the iPad back and forth and reading upside down. We continued doing that and so I was (in my head) thinking and overthinking about how to tell him. At like 2:36pm (I think it was) I ended up saying I needed to tell him something. He was talking about his magic system and how it’s like a system that can be explained by physics which is amazing and he said “let me finish” and then I was like “I need to tell you something,” and I flat out said “I have a crush on you,” in like a dancing voice. Then I was S H O C K E D at what I had just said. I was so nervous but I think I also gave myself a mini adrenaline rush. A few minutes later (or less) he asked if we could go into his car to be sure together alone in private. I was like “whyyyy” bc no one could hear us but knowing him, he definitely felt better in the car. I was so nervous about what he had to talk to me about that was like that. (Also, people being around also has that notion of people can hear etc.)

We went to his car and basically while he talked to me I was staring at these bricks that were absent from the rest of the bricks on the building. I was also a little going more crazy bc of the shock I was experiencing. He was so kind and deliberate and careful in his words. He put his hand on my left leg and rested it there (not just laid it there but really settled it there-and my my it felt delightful like something that cannot be explained). This was while he was speaking to me. He mentioned he’s never had a gf. He mentioned he’s been hesitant or is hesitant or doesn’t want to pursue anything bc of the long distance (an hour is a lot and we are both busy). There are other things but I’ve forgotten all of them. I did end up asking “so wait you like me too?” And went crazy gaga over his answer bc he said something like “yeah. It makes sense bc we always have something to talk about whether it be our books or something we relate over” (he said smtg like that). And ahhhhh I wish we were closer in proximity. I wish I could get a job closer to tampa so things could be easier. I miss him rn (05/31/22).

I wish I could move to tampa. I’ve wanted that for so long but I have no car and Idek how my finances would look at that point. Sunday he told me that if he was dating me that he’d want to see me all the time and since we are both busy that can’t happen. Our lifestyles don’t seem to match up and neither one of us really knows what our future holds and he said he’s most likely going to be in Tampa for the next two years and he doesn’t know after that. I’m sadddddd. Idk what this is. Is it the end of a book or is it the start of a new chapter where I’m the sad mc who can’t be with her person? Aggghh. I’d also want to see him all the time like I want to rn. I don’t think that I could be in his presence too much. He also doesn’t like calling and texting- like, he prefers in person way much more. That hurt. Idk what that means kinda but ughhhh. I just want to see him all the time. Like, whyyyy is this my liiiifeeeeee.

I mean, on one hand, I like this but on the other, this is just straight up torture. Like, I am wondering so many things, like what if we met sooner? I wouldn’t be into some of the things we can actually talk about and he’s only just now really working on his novel.

I miss him. Today I cried bc I miss him and I hate that I miss him.

Okay, and tbch I’m both scared and glad I said it. It was like a boulder was lifted off me, yet, there was also another similar one put on me bc I can’t be with him more. So yeah, there’s the issues. I think I do want a rel with him. That’s the sad part. I think I realized that. It was funny, when he said the gf word I was like “WOAH,” I was so shook.

However, this does give me props for an interesting book I could write in the future. So that’s a good thing. I hope this all works out somehow. He’s so much my type it scares me that I’ll lose him. I can’t see him with another girl. Especially not rn. That’d hurt SO BAD. When he didn’t link our arms on May 3rd I literally thought the worst but he did put his hand on my right leg beforehand.

Next time I see him I’m hugging him three times and making sure I stroke his back muscles bc they are sexy and you can’t stop be but I do hope I remember to bc it’d suckkkkk if I don’t.

I’m also ridiculously sad that I won’t be at Bekah bridal shower this weekend. I wasn’t even invited which hurts a lot.

I do get to go to the beach on the 11th with the one girls so hopefully that goes swell. I hope to chill and relax and have a fun time with them and really feel good.

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

Yesterday was a nice day

And today I reached the next ten pounds under and that makes me so happy

I feel more confident and courageous to be completely honest and it feels amazing

I may be being in a bstud with some girls on Friday’s and that’s exciting. I may also be going to the Dali on Thursday if everything works out. Hopefully it does

Seeing church people outside of church will be nice. I hope to get to know them more and become good friends, long-lasting. That’s exciting.

•_•

:);)

🌸kyanite🌸

[journal-kyanite]

Hello blog I haven’t written in in a while.

Tuesday was the day I met with Lion. I woke up excited and ready. I made sure to gather everything I wanted to take. However, I got to Panera and he told me he’d be like 20 minutes. Then, it turned into two hours from 9am when I got there due to the app being so turned around.

I think I’m just gonna chill and not think he hates me over anything. He does work (I think) each day so he definitely is not avoiding me. (I don’t wanna be obsessive so even though I overthink I don’t want to have him replace the most important thing: Faith)

Anyway, we sat and chatted for like 30-40 minutes then saw a movie. (He paid for the tickets bc I got nervous and let him. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I planned beforehand to do it so I’m an idiot.)

I wanna let things happen without being forceful or trying too hard. I don’t have the energy for that anyway. I don’t know how he feels around me. When I’m around him I feel like I’m home and that’s saying much.

I wish he’d go to New City one of these days that I go 🤦🏾‍♀️ bc I wanna see him there. Ugh. He’s very apathetic about it so idk if that’s gonna happen. There’s a lot of things that seem good and there are a lot that seem bad (in the realm of us togetherness).

[journal-kyanite]

Today I didn’t do barely anything. Yesterday I met with Chloe which was so nice. I’m so glad she also wants to be friends. Like, she wants me to message her and I like that.

Today I’ve been watching Dramaworld which is so cute. She recommended it and I love it deeply.

I want to read more but ugh I feel no motivation I think. I also woke up badly today. I didn’t quite get out of bed right away. I feel lazy. I didn’t get dressed though, for what it’s worth.

I feel ugly. Like, really ugly. Like, I don’t think I’ll ever be “liked” by a guy. Ugh.

Are people drawn to people who are open about their insecurities? I’ve told Lion some things but I still feel like me and him don’t “know” each other. Idek if I wanna get married. I do, however, want to. I recently discovered bc of talking to Bri, how I’ve always imagined myself being married and having kids. I’ve never not imagined that (or expected that) and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize.

Anyway, ttyl for now

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

I’m going to leave someday. I can’t rn but I have to get out of here.

[journal-kyanite]

I miss the scent of cinnamon. 🌿

[journal-kyanite]

Today, I made a to do list, but I didn’t finish the full thing. I did a nice QT, I did some Lego building and some book reading (more than the 10 pages I set for myself 🥺 so that’s good).

I did talk to Lion here and there today and ugh was it nice.

I played Elden Ring. I suck at it.

I got the sequel to Crescent City in the mail and bought some more Amazon books 😳

I may be going insane.

I didn’t do much writing. I did journal some which is nice. I did it with stickers. It looks good. I added some BTS stickers and that made me happy.

Rn I’m reading “Sorcery of Thorns” by Margaret Rogerson so I hope I finish it and I hope it’s good. So far I like it.

I hope Tuesday works out. I’m excited. And I hope that me and Lion can hang out more over the summer. I need to talk to him more in person. He’s an amazing person. 🙈🌸 I don’t even have a favorite thing about him other than I’m so glad I have him in my life and that he’s extroverted enough that he came up to me that one day. It feels like a God thing, and I knew God would put me and my person together, I hoped for it, but it wasn’t a sure thing. I wanted Ti meet my person and instantly connect. (I did with Lion but I still worry that he’s not my person. Ugh. Like. What would Lion like about me anyway? I’m not interesting. I’m not cool. I’m not intelligent. I’m lame and ugly. I suck at video games. I feel like that’d be disappointing. I have my PS now which is so freaking cool.)

I also thought that I would feel drawn to my person, like, it’s hard to explain, but I thought i would have a connection with him that was felt by both of us, and that we would just know we were each other’s person. I think that’s why I feel so comfortable with his hand on me. I like his hand on me bc it feels warm, and cozy and comforting. Just his presence is comforting but I gotta be honest, I haven’t seen him in person in two months and I could be daydreaming and thinking I have a connection when there really isn’t anything there. I need to be cautious about my interactions with him and not get obsessed. I also don’t want to be creepy and write about him specifically so much- like Jojo rn bc I really want to be friends,,,, very good friends that laugh together and hang out and can talk about anything before something more happens. The time I talked to him on the phone, he didn’t seem very interested ig.

I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough to talk with me even when doing chores and things. Like, I like talking on the phone when I’m going to the store or just doing daily activities.. that sort of thing but he seemed a bit annoyed at me and in a rush, even though I felt the conversation was important to have- it was important to have to me anyway so I hoped he would honour that.

People are not store merchandise that can be bought and then if defective or unwanted is taken back. Ugh.

Further, I want to be closer to him. I love talking with him, but ig the possible “something more” can’t even happen rn bc we don’t even know where each other wants to live and what our lifestyles look like ig. There’s so much we don’t know about each other and id think that’s a good thing.

🌸xoxo🌸

kyanite

[journal-kyanite]

(04/25/22-17:46pm)

In response to someone on Reddit asking if INFJs are competitive:

Everyone is over here taking about competing with themselves, and I’m over here losing to myself 🤦🏾‍♀️

I’m nowhere near where I saw myself years ago, but I am also realizing how I have grown and that growth is definitely a pinpoint to how I am running in a race and all I need to do is stop, drink some water, take a deep breath and run on. I do, however, forget this often, and it throws me into a spinning that feels nevertheless interminable.

Also, I find that my own progress or ill-progress need be not measured on the basis of my own interpretation of where I am not but where I am. I need to take a look at the journey and see how far I’ve come. I need not be so focused on the destination I see for myself, but rather, see that like a horizon, and see the past as a message for the future, to move forward and not look back on what I think could have been, but rather focus on what can be accomplished through hard work.

[journal-kyanite]

Today (04/26/22)

I woke up at like 8

I did some of my Lego build for the HP set. I journaled a bit. I looked at my bookstagram. I came up with some books I wanna play. I talked with Lion on Snapchat (thankfully). I played some Last of Us. I played a bit of Kena and Genshin.

I ate some cookies, a sandwich and some Doritos and twizzlers.

Idek what else I did.

Oh, and I bought Elden Ring- finally.

I miss Lion. There’s so much madness in my head, like I wanna see him so bad. I wanna know what he thinks about me. I wanna know if he is “special.” But what if he’s not? And yet, I feel like he’s like me. Idk but I wanna cry in a hole bc I miss him. I didn’t even know I’d feel like this.

Eric and Alexa have been hanging out a lot and Nel is worried about them since they are not in a healthy mental state.

And in December I wasn’t in a healthy mental state. Rn I’m not too but ig I’m better. (Nel just told me. We also just did our dailies.)

So yeah. Im debating on whether or not to tell him I have a crush on him. I also wanna hug him all the time 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[journal-kyanite]

Test

18:28-(04/25/22)