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i think it’s safe to say i’m on going thru a charles bukowski phase!
i’ll just say this: i sometimes wonder how long i would have waited in hell for the possibility of “the other kind of love that never arrived”
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• just when you think you really know yourself — you learn there is so much more to learn.
my ex husband said to me a couple years after i left that he was so confused and so angry that i gave up…… but that he felt now that i had some intuition -that he didn’t- that something wasn’t quite right… the truth is, i stopped missing him when he was at work. i stared at the ceiling fan in our bedroom with a strong sense that i may have married the wrong person. night after night — that ceiling fan! and he sounded almost in awe of the foresight. he said thank you for saving us from (what wouldn’t have been) a bad life together… but a fair chance at something else. this immediately made my heart sink.. but i knew he had deserved more, and he found it.
and i find it fascinating that almost ten years ago i was emotionally capable of leaving a safe situation, with a kind guy who loved me and never wanted to hurt me. who made me laugh. surrounded by an extended family that i loved and loved me.. a family who i still occasionally miss. and then… so many years later… i stay in a relationship until i am practically dragged out… with a guy that gave up soo long before… a guy who really (really) didn’t know me.. who was committed to not knowing me. who wouldn’t take my love.. who just didn’t get it. someone who brought out the fear and abandonment in me which brought out the crazy in me. (but who i did miss while he was at work) and holding on to such a false sense of hope that it bordered on delusional. fuck! how does that happen? the amateur psychologist in me will answer that by saying only that i needed to go thru this to solve some very strong neurotic conflict that had brewed in me forever like a disease. and i wasn’t finished yet, so i couldn’t bear to leave.
that, and i didn’t think i could live without seeing that face. i loved that face. like.. in an indescribable way. why?! so strange. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• and so back to the CB quote above… he did the right thing. the other kind of love wasn’t going to come.
from him.
goodnight xx
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