jojaemin

[jojaemin]

11. relinquish

jaemin’s eyes darted across the computer screen as she continued to put together the schedule for next week. with the summer quickly coming to a close, that only meant that the end of the year would soon be upon them. she sat with her back against the chair accompanied by a heat pack that was now luke warm on her right shoulder. however, there was no use in going to reheat it or even take it off as she was on a roll. 

her little home office that was filled with the sounds of faint taps from the keyboard and the clicking of the mouse soon came to a halt when she heard the intercom ring from the living room. this jingle only came when it was a package or a guest, but considering jaemin wasn’t expecting either of these things, she grew suspicious. though she was always relatively safe, she would be damned the day she let her guard down (especially now with her injury.)

jaemin listlessly made her way to the living room, dragging her feet along as she left the heating pack on the counter. she pushed the button that was now glowing red, patiently waiting for a response. 

“hello miss yang, sorry to bother you on a sunday, but it seems as though you have a flower delivery from choi sungwon. if you would like, i can send dowoon-ssi to bring it up.” 

the name instantly made jaemin roll her eyes, if she could roll them any further they would fall out of her head. it was no longer a secret about jaemin’s or in this case, jade’s shoulder injury. many of the shin’s affiliate companies had taken note of her absence as many meetings had progressed without her, one of them being LS Corp. 

choi sungwon, the youngest son of LS Corp had taken an interest in jade after one of their quarterly meetings that he so happened to attend a few months back, and it was clear to see. He would consistently call her office line, leave messages in other departments (when he couldn’t get through to her phone) and sometimes even went as far as showing up to the building. At first she found it flattering, even entertained the idea of it for a brief moment. however, after she had politely rejected his advances, she found anything after that encounter slightly irritating. 

filling jaemin’s shoes is no easy task, but over the years she had perfected the balance between her two lives- on somedays, she even wondered as to how she held out this long. nevertheless, the equation was balanced; there was an equal amount of work, responsibility and relationships that she maintained. albeit, there were days where the scale tipped more to one side.. it was still relatively easy for her to get back to center.

she was fine with the life she had set up, content with it even, but there were always those hidden variables that came and put her off balance⎯⎯ things like this injury, drama, family conflict, dating⎯⎯ they were all wild cards that she didn’t really have any tolerance for, but unfortunately had to put up with.

he was definitely a handsome guy with genuine intentions, but jaemin didn’t have time for distractions like dating. not only does she not need the emotional distress that comes from a relationship, but to revisit a chapter in her life that she had worked so hard to bury? it was more than enough for her to end any kind of pursuit dead in its tracks. 

ever since he found out about her injury, the calls have truly been nonstop. the amount of messages from sungwon alone (most of which were his personal contact information) was more than all the ones left by actual clients⎯⎯ and now he goes so far has to deliver flowers to her home? jaemin scoffed at the thought prior to pushing the button in response. 

“don’t bother dowoon-ssi with trivial matters. i’ll come down and get them myself, thank you.” 

she might as well stretch her legs as she had been sitting at her desk since this morning. with that in mind, she slipped on a pair of shoes before making her way down to the lobby. upon getting onto the elevator, she took a look at herself in the mirror. it was rare that she had her jade get up on the weekend, especially considering how she had been wearing it for a while as she sustained this injury. though she had to admit that having her hair curled, makeup done and contacts in, put her in the working mood. it certainly was weird living a double life. she heaved out a sigh, now taking this time to have a bit of elevator contemplation. 

the only real obstacle between her and the ability to relinquish herself into the arms of a lover was jaemin herself, and she knew that very well. she put up these walls, and you can bet that she wasn’t going down without a fight. but is that truly anyway to live? is the question that jaemin found herself asking a lot these days. 

but before she could ponder it any longer, the faint sound of the elevator reaching its destination pulled her out of her thoughts. she was greeted with a bit of a commotion as the owner of the voices seemed to travel from the front desk all the way to the elevator. one of them she recognized to be the head security guard, but the other one didn’t really ring a bell. jaemin stopped at the corner to listen to their conversation.

“look, i’m not leaving until i see her-” “i’m sorry sir, but unless i have a name, you’re not allowed in here. now please leave before i have to escort you out myself.” “i just want to know if jade’s okay--”

jaemin’s ears perked up at the sound of her name. 

tch. no wonder that voice sounded so familiar. 

she heaved out a sigh and before the matter could escalate, she rounded the corner. the sound of her foot steps drew both of them out of their conversation, with the head of security’s head hanging low. she quickly waved it off, thanking him for his persistence before taking the unsought guest out of sight. 

at this point, what jaemin felt was beyond irritation. how many times did she have to say no in order to get it through his thick skull? maybe she would even have to pound it in. after she knew they were clear from any public eye, she let him go, practically throwing him forward. “sungwon-ssi, what are you doing here?”

he was clearly flustered, not actually thinking that he would get to have this moment with her. he simply stared at her before his eyes fell onto her shoulder. her cover up had slipped past her shoulders, exposing her scars and bruises. jaemin was quick to avert his eyes from the sight. 

“I asked you a question.”

his gaze was kind and genuinely filled with concern which did soften her up a bit, but not enough to elicit any sort of feelings from her. after all, he was still one of their clients, and even though she didn’t exactly want to respect him in that moment, she had to. 

“you didn’t call.. i thought something might’ve happened to you.”

“sungwon-ssi, in my defense, when do i ever call?” 

the male was quick to shut his mouth, but as fast as he was shut down, he picked himself back up.

“okay, while that is true⎯⎯ you at least have one of your assistants tell me that you’re not available or one of those guys from the security department...” his sentence trailed off towards the end, his emotions clearly displayed on his face. 

“so in response, you decided to deliver flowers to my apartment, which you then showed up to?” her arms were crossed and her demeanor was standoffish. “give me one good reason in the next ten seconds as to why i shouldn’t throw you out of here myself.” 

his gaze cast down to his feet because he knew that she was right. he really didn’t have any purpose in being here except to just see her, which really wasn’t any purpose at all. a sigh left her lips as she uncrossed her arms, she had to admit that sungwon wasn’t uptight or egotistical like other chaebols that she had met before. 

“look sungwon, it’s not that i find you unattractive or think you have an ugly personality.. it’s just that i don’t have the time to pursue a romantic relationship right now. i can’t.” 

“so you’re saying that i still have a chance?” 

the amount of restraint that it took jaemin to not put him through the wall was immense and if the will to recover wasn’t as strong as her will for him to put a sock in it? she would’ve thrown a punch a long time ago. 

“absolutely no⎯⎯” he gingerly took her right hand, knowing it was her bad arm, and planted a kiss right upon her knuckles. it caught her off guard and honestly left her a bit flustered. 

“what are yo⎯⎯”

“i’m just messing with you jade, i get it. quite frankly, that was more of a response that i thought i’d get from you.” he gently released her hand, flashing her a warm smile. “i’ll quit it, promise.” he held up his pinky before making his way toward the exit. jaemin stood there, completely frozen. had she really been so cold to this guy that just this small encounter would suffice? she turned around, not exactly knowing why. she didn’t have anything to say, she was just.. curious. the light coming in from the front of the building lit his silhouette until he blurred into the background.

“oh! and i hope i got the flowers right, your assistant said you liked tulips.” after he was no longer in her line of sight, she went forth to retrieve the banquet. it was simple but it was just her style, nothing too flashy, but just enough that it was catching to the eye. before she could even process a smile danced across her lips as she admired the arrangement. there wouldn’t be any harm in keeping the flowers, they were addressed to her after all. jaemin once again thanked the two guards before making her way back to her apartment. 

maybe.. a change would be a good thing.

[jojaemin]

10. illusion

the sunlight kissed jaemin’s cheeks like a warm greeting as she walked across the sandy beach. though she was never able to travel much, the beach was probably one of jaemin’s favorite places to be. the warmth from the sun, the smell of the ocean and the feeling of sand in between her toes was like her bread and butter. the wind whipped through her hair as she felt a hand slip through her fingers but she didn’t need to look up to know who it was. 

the butterflies erupted within her stomach as the heat rose to her cheeks. she turned to greet them, flashing the cheesiest smile she could muster. jaemin only once got to experience what a real relationship was once but it was very much short lived. whenever she thought of completely opening up herself to someone, there was always that piece of her that would always hold her back- the piece of her that held the fear, danger, regret and risk.

it was hard being in that position, constantly worrying about who you meet how they could potentially sabotage your life was tiring. she always had to be on her toes, never letting her guard down- what kind of life was that? at least now she was able to freely do as she pleased without any of the repercussions on her past. 

the warmth spread throughout her body as they pulled her in close, the feeling of home that a person could bring truly was unmatched by any other. her eyes closed as she concentrated on the slow and steady beat of their heart; the combination of the waves along with the faint beat felt like it was like a lullaby that was pacifying her into a deep sleep. 

her arms found themselves around their torso bridging the gap between them (as minimal as it was). she could feel the smile etch across their lips as they planted a soft but reassuring kiss to the crown of her head. pure bliss began to manifest itself within the moment, it was here that jaemin truly felt one with herself. she didn’t have to wear some disguise or pretend to be another person, she was just.. jaemin. 

her gaze casted upwards, catching their warm gaze. it was like they had stolen a piece of a star and kept it hostage within the depths of their irises. she felt like she could stare into their eyes forever and still find something new within them. her eyes slowly lowered to their lips and soon felt like a meteor flying into saturn’s orbit. the kiss albeit short, was reassuring. it was able to convey a multitude of expressions:

”i love you.” “you can trust me.” “lean on me.” “we’re in this together.” “you’re safe.”

the feeling of adventure quickly overcame her as she continued to tug them along the sandy terrain. she wanted to travel to the mysterious parts of the earth and experience them together, make memories. jaemin didn’t have many good ones to start with, but as long as she was able to overlap the more sullen memories with better ones, the was enough for her. 

she soon felt a tug on her arm, preventing her moving forward. a smile danced across her lips feeling up for entertaining their antics. she gave another tug, but found herself standing in the same spot. the hand dropped from hers now leaving her once warm and secure hand, lonely and cold. a pout made its way to her lips as she turned around to see the reason for the sudden halt, but she only found herself with her heart about to beat out of her chest. 

“w-what is this?” was the only thing she could utter out of her quivering lips. 

...

“i’m sorry.” 

she stared at the black barrel that seemed to be gawking back at her. jaemin found herself frozen in place. she didn’t know whether it was from the initial shock, confusion, or hurt that kept her glued to the same spot, but she felt herself suffocating. her throat began to close as she tried to collect her thoughts. 

the tears began to stream down their face as their hands began to tremble. this feeling was all too familiar and hit way too close to home. she took a step forward only to have them take a step back as they tightened their grip on the dark, cold metal. the earth felt colder and the wind violently whipped through the air; it felt as though a switch had gone off. one second it was nice and blissful, with the warm tones of the sun adding to the familiar tender feeling of home. but in an instant everything had been completely void of that- it felt like they had never known each other, just mere strangers lurking on the same street. 

she wouldn’t dare keep an eye on them as the sobs became harder and harder to conceal. the bitter reality of her situation began to settle into her bones, almost making them shatter just at the thought of it. she wasn’t meant for this kind of life and whatever higher-being was present was going to remind her of that. 

one last apology slipped through their lips as the shot cut through the atmosphere like a knife. it consumed her- choked her even. it’s as if it wrapped its hands around her throat and refuse to relent until the job was done. she instantly felt her airways close, clawing at the air as if it would help her obtain some source of oxygen, but it was no use.

“患者! 患者!” “grab the doctor! she can’t breathe!”

the autonomous sound of beeping blared into her right ear, as she felt a hand try firmly shake her awake. jaemin didn’t know where she was right now, but all she did know is that she wanted to get out. she tried taking another breath but only felt her throat close even more. her eyes welled up with tears as she desperately tried to get some air into her system.  

“unnie!”

whose ever voice it was snapped her back into reality, finally being able to take in a deep breath. her eyes shot open in panic as a thin layer or sweat covered her body. her eyes darted around for something⎯ someone familiar but was only greeted with an unfamiliar scene along with some unknown faces. she was in an immense amount of pain, now feeling the soreness of her body. she did her best to calm herself down as the people around her tried to do the same. 

as the episode came to a close, they began to ask her a series of questions. the beads of sweat dripped down the side of her head as she wasn’t able to get up. like a movie, the events that took place in the past few days had played through her mind. she tried to move her right arm, only to be met with a pain that shot right up to her shoulder. jaemin yelped out in anguish, feeling another serge of tears prick at her eyes but it was at this point where she questioned whether her dream or her reality was worse. 

she did her best not to move around as they continued their questioning. as the questions came to a end, she felt herself drifting into yet another sleep. whether it was the over exertion of the past few minutes or the fragility of her mental health, all jaemin wanted to do was go back to sleep. 

[jojaemin]

— taste like summer; feels like winter.

her days reach the end of the night full of papers on the desk, her pens scattered around the place. her apartment became a full office in no time, with people from the shin hotels constantly putting more task in her small hands, wanting her to make amends to the time wasted by having a full week of backlogs through accounts that they never saw. 

it was a couple of weeks since she started focusing on her work as the current chief operating officer of one of the branches of her grandfather’s company: shin hotels. hana let herself immerse with the numerous deadlines, contract signing, business meetings that she normally dreads, however, she got stuck in a routine that she never thought she would enjoy; mornings consists of jaemin giving her a cup of tea, a small croissant to start the day and a cup of fruit for her dessert, they would go to the office together, files in hand, greetings from each side of the hallway — hana became a respected woman in position, and the power made her courageous. 

she just didn’t know that courage requires sacrifices. 

“miss shin, are you ready?” 

hana steps outside of the vehicle, the charter plane waiting for her to board as she looks around the private runway, the empty concrete waiting for her to depart. her chest tightens, the idea is too strong to ignore, she might lose another one. 

it was a traumatizing three minutes, getting the call when she was almost passing out on her couch, with a hazy mind and a heavy heart. it weighed more than it wasn’t her normal nagging voice behind the call but one of her men, jaemin’s. hana couldn’t believe it, maybe she jinxed at the fact of asking her to come home safety, maybe she’s just that unlucky, because tonight will be the night where all her nightmares are coming true. 

she could feel her tears by the corner of her eyes, this is just too much, she thinks, her head hanging low as she steps inside the plane and takes a seat by the window. she has to be stronger, and she has to be stronger fast. 

she could hear her bodyguards trying to make a small conversation as they notice that she’s not her usual chirpy self, but she just couldn’t face the fact that normalcy isn’t accepted in this world of hers, and there will always be something to put into that thin line of want and need, and hers will never be the same.

hey, do you know?  maybe we had it, but it wasn’t the right time.

“ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking; we are currently in line for take off to taipei, taiwan. please fasten your seat belts, sit back, and enjoy the ride.” 

[jojaemin]

09. critical

[ just a fair warning this does contain mature themes such as death, blood and violence, so read at your own risk. thank you. ] 

time: 9:27pm location: unknown date: june 28th, 2020 - sunday

“approaching.”

jaemin slowly opened her eyes to be met with almost the same amount of darkness as the inside of her eyelids. it had been over 24 hours since she was able to get some sleep and her patience was definitely running thin. after hours of research they came to find what they were looking for. 

nam juwon, or rather won junho had been the hitmen ordered to take out the four men who had been embezzling money from the company. however, instead of finishing the job, he aided them in escaping- thus leading them to their current situation. they were all accomplices, and had been planning that scheme for god knows how long. jaemin never heard the full story, but after that day she never saw him back at the company. 

this was no longer a quiet mission. 

after informing her boss, her team was instantly ordered to take them out at whatever cost. “just get it done and make sure you clean up when you’re finished.” were the last words jaemin heard before being greeted by a dark cell phone screen. she was definitely going to need a stiff drink and therapy session after this. 

the car came to a halt as they reached their destination. her view shifted to the other car across the lot, staring into the eyes of the man in the passenger seat. she saw greed, hunger and ego just from a simple stare. it wasn’t entirely different from any of the other power hungry men she had met, but his gaze had something that made a small shiver run down jaemin’s spine. it was like he reeked of revenge. it’s as if revenge was some kind of rash and he was here to eradicate the itch. 

“it’s time.”

jaemin’s eyes scrolled over the time on the dashboard that read exactly 9:30pm. she promptly cracked her neck in preparation, letting the gas escape from her joints. she reached for the handle, but before she opened the door jaemin kept her head down and her voice soft.

“stick to the plan and don’t shoot unless it’s on my signal.” 

there was no response, already knowing that their silence was their agreement. both parties exited their vehicles, instantly feeling the once cold crisp air of the car’s AC shift to the hot humidity of the summer night. as they presented themselves one by one, it all started to make sense. 

“jaekyung-ssi, we meet again.” the head of the team, formerly known park mino spoke up, addressing her by a fake alias. “or should i say, jade 선배님?” a smirk found itself on jaemin’s lips, thinking back how he would constantly kiss up to her- always offering to do her work or trying to pay for lunch. how ironic was it that she now was going to be the one to put a bullet in his head?

“that nose job looks good on you mino- i mean all of you, truly, well done-” she cut in with a little round of applause. “i didn’t take you for a guy that would get double eyelid surgery.” 

a rather bitter sounding chuckle left his lips as wagged his finger in her direction. 

“of course, the cream of the crop, jade yang. nothing get’s passed you, does it? so tell me, what is the reason for such a joyous get together?” 

“a deal-” 

a curt scoff cut her off, as he held up his hand.

“a deal? do you really think you can try and cut a deal with us?”

she let out an irritated sigh as she looked back, giving them a nod. they lowered their heads in agreement, before one of them pulled out his phone and mumbled a few words. a few seconds later, a fairly beaten up figure came stumbling out from the corner followed by another one of jaemin’s men holding a gun at point blank range. in an instant mino’s men all drew guns to which he quickly signaled their cease. the bumbling figure was soon shoved to the ground on his knees as he was a close enough distance for mino and his men to see. 

“looking for your rat?” the male’s eyes slightly widened upon seeing his colleague in front of him. “cut the deal, or end up like your friend over here.”

“what? a bit scuffed up? you think we’d relent just because you’ll send in a few men on us? the shin’s took everything from us jade. you of all people should know that.. or are you waiting for your chance as well?” 

jaemin’s eyes narrowed as she tilted her head, all of which didn’t go unnoticed. 

“oh now we’ve got her attention!” he seemed to be over the moon with her reaction which only pissed her off even more. “we’ve done our own fair share of digging miss yang and don’t think we don’t know about you and your fath⎯”

a gun shot rang through the air before he could bother to finish that wretched word. all jaemin could see was red and all she could hear was the ringing in her ears. her body was shaking as she went numb. all she could think about was strangling that man to death. mino sank to his knees as the blood ran down his forehead and before his body could hit the concrete, two more shots cut through the air. 

it all felt like it was happening in slow motion. however, before she could even process what was happening, jaemin found herself with an immense pain in her shoulder and abdomen. the adrenaline was wearing off and she was coming down off of it fast. her head turned to see the perpetrator, only to see the rest of them joining their friend on the ground. jaemin opened her mouth to speak but the burn was so intense she felt as though she was choking on flames.

with a great amount of effort, she expelled a cough only to see the red splatters paint the ground below her. before long, her vision went blurry as her eyes rolled to back of her head.

the last thing she remembered hearing was her name being frantically called before her world went dark. 

[jojaemin]

08. dilemma

time: 11:48pm location: shin inc corporate building - taiwan date: june 27th, 2020 - saturday

it was proving difficult to persuade these people into giving them information they needed. all the plans they had set up had fell through, and time was running out. all of this needed to be completed by sunday and they were no where near finishing their task. it was nearing midnight and tensions were running high as the clock continued to click. she was pacing around one of the conference rooms with her two head officers as she tried to think of someway to fix all of this. 

she felt herself slowly unraveling; they had less than 24 hours and jaemin’s head was completely void of ideas. her blood felt like it was boiling, there was definitely something fishy going on and the fact that she let it happen right under her nose only added fuel to the fire. she slammed her hands down on the table, properly startling the poor men who had been caught in the cross fire of jaemin’s rage.

“how the fuck do they know our every move right before we make it? this plan was supposed to be fool proof and yet here we are with less than 24 hours running around like chicken’s with their heads cut off. would either of you care to explain that to me!?” 

her words dripped like venom from a cobra’s fangs as she stared daggers into the tops of their heads. jaemin didn’t enjoy getting to this point, but something needed to be done, and it needed to happen now. they both remained silent, avoiding her gaze as they too tried to think of a reason for their reoccurring unfortunate events. she let out a frustrated sigh, finally taking a seat for the first time since she entered the room. there was no use in yelling if they had any intention of successfully carrying out this mission. 

“sorry.. i just⎯ how is it, that when we walked in there, not only we were outnumbered but they still had the time to gather even MORE information? something isn’t right..” 

the tip of her thumb instinctively found itself in her mouth as she nibbled anxiously in thought. even though she only walked in with two men, (the two of which were sitting in front of her) she had a few men scattered around the building just as a precaution. however, after their rather unsuccessful first meeting, her men had reported that there were guards posted at every exit and entrance.

at first jaemin didn’t pay any mind to it, but now that she looked back on it, they wouldn’t have done that if they even had any clue as to who she was or what they were up to. a few speculations came about, but nothing that raised any concrete suspicion. her nails tapped against the table in a rhythmic matter, trying to retrace their steps of the past few days to find any possible hiccups or missteps. 

“what about that new recruit⎯ juwon? didn’t he come from a tech company before he transferred over to this unit?” 

jaemin looked over to the owner of the voice, trying to put a face to the name. juwon.. nam juwon. he was fairly new to the company, only being here about three months. his main job was in the marketing department, but he earned a spot on jaemin’s team with his notable tech knowledge, hence his background. she personally didn’t know much about him, but he didn’t cause much of a stir to catch her attention. 

there was a beat before she turned to her laptop and pulled up the employee roster. she pointed over to her colleague, requesting that the profiles of the men they were meeting be pulled up. she clicked on the male in question, reading over his credentials (though it wasn’t anything that she hadn’t read before).

“put it up on the screen.” 

the wall soon was illuminated with the information laid out on both laptops. jaemin got out of her seat, taking a good look at all their faces before taking a walk to the back of the room. the two men looked at her in hopes of an answer but they were only met with more silence. her eyes meticulously scanned over the faces on the screen; she was thinking⎯ wracking through the files of her brain to help her make any possible connection. at this point she didn’t know whether or not her head was throbbing from the lack or sleep or the fact that she could literally feel the cogs in her brain turning with each passing second. 

but then something stuck.

“pull up the photos on the employees that were involved in that theft from three years ago. it was around sometime in march.. put their faces underneath the other ones.” 

in an instant, eight photos were displayed on screen in that configuration⎯ the four men they were currently meeting along with the four employees from three years ago. her eyes narrowed in on each of them, as if she were trying to match up their features, but none of them linked up. 

“you don’t think⎯“ “boss, even if it were them, we still don’t have an explanation on how they’re still gathering information on us.”

silence filled the air as jaemin was collecting her thoughts. she wanted to speak with intent and purpose, speaking out of impulse would only put them back at square one. he was right but she was banking on this thought, hoping that it would be enough. 

“run a search on their financial history and where those guys ended up..” the scene from that day replayed itself in her head. it was a big deal considering those men had already stolen millions from the company and if jaemin knew anything from working at shin inc. it was to mind your business and don’t touch the fucking money. of course, the only solution in their book was death⎯ but the one missing piece of her puzzle was who was ordered to do the dirty work. at this point, jaemin had already been assigned to hana’s family and was less hands on in terms of security. 

jaemin made her way back to the table to take a seat, shut her eyes tightly as she simultaneously tapped on her forehead with a pen. hopefully the dull force of the writing utensil would help her in remembering the situation any better. 

“what happened that day.. what happened that day..” she said, mumbling to herself. the only sounds that filled the room were the clicking and typing of keyboards as the two of them continued on with their search. 

“juwon.. nam ju..won.... wo...n” she kept repeating his name as if it were some sort of mantra. 

a few moments of silence passed as they all tried to put all the pieces together. by this point, jaemin had gotten out of her seat, thinking that taking a lap or two around the ol’ conference room would help aid in the girl’s thought process.

‘walked into the building.. greeted that morning’s guards.. grabbed a coffee at the cafe... walked... hi here.. hi there.. elevator...’

...

elevator. 

she soon stopped dead in her tracks, which didn’t go unnoticed by her peers. 

“you thought of something, boss?”

jaemin turned on her heels with such force and speed that she thought she burned a spot into the floor and gave herself whiplash.

“search the name won junho... something tells me that whoever was ordered to take them out didn’t finish the job.” 

[jojaemin]

New Girl Order galaxy mesh top

[jojaemin]

details, jenny packham fall 2020

[jojaemin]

07. inkling

time: 8:56pm location: shin inc. private terminal - SK date: june 25th, 2020 - thursday

it was no doubt that jaemin was nervous. it had been about a year since she had been out on the field “taking care of business” as her company liked to put it. however, it seemed “less suspicious” if they sent her along with a small team to raid the group of hackers who had supposedly been soliciting important financial information from their company. she looked around the cabin to see that majority of the seats on the jet had been occupied by familiar faces. even if it was considered a ‘small team’ there wasn’t exactly a need for all these people, it was just more people to babysit. 

‘i guess it’s better to be safe than sorry.’

shortly after take off, she was handed a tablet with all the credentials of this weekend’s agenda. it was a fairly simple job, pose as an interested buyer, find out who has the information, then take out the target. it was nothing that jaemin hadn’t done in the past, though she was never the one to pull the trigger. even after years of being in this position, she still had too much of a conscious to do something like that. the only kills that she was responsible for are ones that were initiated by her own bare hands⎯ feeling the cold metal on her fingers was never one she could grow accustomed to. 

not even for a second did jaemin feel in fear for her life or that something would  go wrong. nervous? oh yeah. sweaty palms? she could wring them out if she wanted to-- but she trusted her team and trusted that by this point, they had all the information they could get their hands on. jaemin herself was a planner, and did her best to have a strategy to tackle multiple scenarios. 

a sigh escaped her lips as she studied the faces of these people.. there weren’t many but something didn’t sit right with her... it felt like she had seen these people before, but where? jaemin used to study faces every day, committing them all to memory when she was head of security but these faces.. they were different. she didn’t exactly know what it was, but decided to look into it later. she trusted her mind would soon come up with the answer. 

[jojaemin]

06. fate

now playing: 에픽하이- 빈차 ft. 오혁 

jaemin felt the light summer breeze against her cheeks as she walked the sleepless streets of down town seoul. even if it were almost midnight, the hustle and bustle of restaurants, street vendors and karaokes were in full swing. the feeling of the artificial heat that radiated off of these street signs was almost comforting to jaemin as she barely got to see the light of day when she was working the company. when she arrived this morning it was bright and sunny, but by the time she got out, the only source of light was the night star, the moon. 

her feet felt the slight ache of her heels as she continued to walk⎯⎯⎯ a feeling which she had now grown more tolerant of having to wear the elevated shoes almost everyday of the week. her soft rhythmic steps soon calm to a halt as she stepped foot in her most frequented 포장마차. it wasn’t anything particularly special in terms of appearance or cuisine, but whenever jaemin needed a break from life, she always found herself here.

she waved over to the owner soon holding up her usual two fingers before taking a seat at her unassigned, assigned table. not even a minute later she was being brought her usual items by the sweet little 아줌마 that surely was too old to be working soju tents this late, but nevertheless, she flashed her a grateful smile. taking the cold bottle into her hands, she effortlessly twisted off the cap to then pour the clear liquid into the provided shot glass. 

jaemin knocked back the shot without a thought and let the alcohol sting the back of her throat as she kept her head in that back position. she closed her eyes, letting the moisture from her eyes (or lack there of) rehydrate her circle lenses. she was thankful that at least for these few moments, she was just a person. not jade, not jaemin, but just the raw form of her being. no one knew who she was or what she did and had no intention of judging her for it. she rolled her neck a few times to try and let some of the stress go before assuming her normal sitting posture. 

these days, jaemin didn’t know if coming to terms with her life and how things were panning out was a good or bad thing. 샷. 

she always hated the fact that due to someone’s previous actions, her family was now the one paying the consequences. 샷. 

she always hated the fact that she had to live this life of unlawful crimes and shady businesses. 샷. 

she hated that even though she were to follow through on these wrongful doings, she would give it her all⎯⎯⎯ making sure that people would remember her name along with the facade that went with it. 샷.

at this point, it felt like she was drinking fire after chugging down so many shots in a short amount of time, but the numbness she felt from the hate and pain within her heart always overruled any other feeling. 

but now? things weren’t entirely bad.. just meticulous and tiring (so much for things not being so bad). things were picking up at the company and there had been less time for trivial things, like her cafe. it may have been all a staged act for the general public, but jaemin genuinely enjoyed running the facility. it was a different from the computer screens, contracts and meetings she had to attend to on a daily basis. it was soothing, rhythmic, and allowed her just enough creative freedom to where she wasn’t spiraling out of control. 

she heaved out a heavy sigh, knocking back yet another shot before cracking open the final bottle. jaemin never drank too much to lose any sense of her mind, but just enough to warm up her cheeks. coming to terms with her fate, (if one could even call it that) was tough. she didn’t want to accept that this was her life now⎯⎯⎯ but at this point? it would be stupid of her not to. she had been playing this character for on the upwards of almost six years and still couldn’t find the right moment to accept her? 

the alcohol was well into working its magic as the heat now made its way up her neck and rested right on her cheeks. with a few shots left in the green bottle, she decided to just ditch the glass and take the rest straight from its lips. the bottle landed on the table with a slight ‘clang’ as she let the weight of her arm come down. 

throwing a few bills on the table with a generous tip, she grabbed her bag and stood up having the all too familiar ache now creeping up onto her feet. she waved lazily over to the rest of the staff, shooting them a tired smile before making her way back into the world as jade yang. she stood up tall, making sure that every aspect of her was put together as she strutted down seoul streets.

jaemin was slowly on her way to accepting her other half, and hopefully that would be enough. 

[jojaemin]

05. petals

after the screen faded to black, jaemin could see the faint outline of her figure staring back at her.

“아...” she looked up to the ceiling to try and stop her tears. “왜 이렇게 울어...아기처럼” jaemin reached over to grab a few tissues from the table to blow her nose. after watching the closing scenes of hi bye, mama! the tears had not stopped flowing out of her eyes. 

jaemin wasn’t a cryer, but when it came to mothers and children, consider her a sucker. being only raised by her mother and seeing all the struggles that all the spirits had to go through in order to ‘go up’ really struck a cord with her in more ways than one. wanting to know that your loved ones are able to provide for themselves as well as their families is something that jaemin knew very well. she knew how she obtained her money wasn’t the most conventional, or safe and if anything, it constantly put her in danger of losing her life. 

if she could just stop fighting and live a normal life, taking care of her mother and going wherever the road was going to take her now that would be the dream.. but some dreams are meant to be just that. her life wasn’t a drama that ended with the word ‘cut.’ the world was cold and it was selfish; jaemin learned that very early on in life. 

being in more close encounters with death than she would like to admit, the subject wasn’t one she was afraid of bringing up. she wasn’t going out of her way to end her life, but she came to terms knowing that her life could end at any moment. she could only hope that when it does, that her mom is living comfortably. 

wiping the remaining tears off her cheeks, she picked up her phone and dialed her mom’s number. she wasn’t sure if she was going to answer as it was very late at night but she could just leave a message. jaemin got up from the couch, balancing the phone between her cheek and shoulder before tossing the dirty tissues into the garbage and heading out onto her balcony. upon sitting down in one of the chairs, she heard the automated tone of her mom’s voicemail followed by the beep. 

“엄마.. 자?” jaemin let out a deep breath, looking down at her watch as she suddenly felt very reflective over her own life. 

“물론 자고있어..자정이야.. 그냥 전화하고 사랑한다고 말하고 싶었어.. 음... 인생은 많이 힘들지만, 나 낳으라고 고마워... 진짜로..” her voice got caught in her throat, feeling the lingering emotions suddenly sneaking back up on her. life has never been easy for the two of them, but she was grateful that at least now, they are both able to live at their standard of comfortable. they definitely had been through hell and back, that was something that they couldn’t deny. she cleared her throat a few times, trying to sound more energetic as she continued to speak. 

“내일은 밥 만들 줄게 ... 어떤 음식을 만달슬까? 칼국수? 치킨? 파전?” she let out a slight chuckle, knowing that her mother would be down to eat whatever she made. 

“다 만들줄게~~” jaemin’s mom was no fool, it was her mother after all. it definitely seemed strange that she was calling her out of no where, especially late at night. regardless, she knew that she would appreciate getting a call from her. “미안해~ 내가 말이 많았지, you know? 난 괜찮아, 걱정하지마.” she looked out to the city in front of her, feeling small compared to all the trees and tall buildings that decorated the scenery. though life may be hard, it definitely moves on. jaemin did her best to try and not make super deep or meaningful relationships with anyone, it was what was best.. but little by little she found herself wanting to be closer to people... wanting to create more memories, was she greedy? she thought that at least for a little bit longer that she could be. 

“나중에 전화해 알랐어? 갈게~ 사랑해~” 

[jojaemin]

2020-04-25

Canon EOS R + RF85mm f1.2L

https://www.instagram.com/hwantastic79vivid/

[jojaemin]

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[jojaemin]

04. habit

smoking was never a habit that jaemin wanted to pick up. she honestly found it disgusting yet here she was with a cigarette between her lips. it wasn’t her first time smoking, but enough times to count on her fingers. she only did it when she really need to unwind and drinking wasn’t an option. 

she took a drag, letting the smoke burn the back of her throat for a bit before blowing it back out. the cold breeze danced across her legs as she looked out to the view of her balcony. this mood wasn’t caused by someone or something she just.. woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn’t bother to crawl back in to try and eradicate it. 

every little thing had her so worked up, and even with the day off shit still managed to hit the fan. inhaling another breath of smoke, she countered it with a big sigh. maybe if she exhaled hard enough, her troubles would ride along with it.. but alas.. it did not. 

at this point she was on her back, sprawled out like a starfish. how or when she got to this position was a mystery in itself. she looked out to the side, where her cigarette resided in between her fingers. the smoke was opaque at the end but as it blew up into the atmosphere it just.. disappeared. 

“oh how i wish it were that easy...”

[jojaemin]

03. ignorance

jaemin turned on her side as her phone screen illuminated the room. she felt stupid to the point where it was even laughable to her. to think that something like this was even an option for her was the funny part. there was no use in trying to let somebody understand her at all, cause nobody would. 

this was the life she was given and like she had been doing for 28 years, she was rolling with the punches. it was true, she was scared. there were too many factors and variables at stake. 

the fear of letting somebody in only to have them turn around and stab you in the back. the fear of potentially hurting somebody you care about. the fear of truly showing yourself to somebody only to have them cower away because of who you truly are. the fear of risk. the fear of love itself.

jaemin wasn’t like other girls and she knew that. quite frankly, she had whole heartedly embraced it.. but that never meant that she enjoyed being this way. there were days where jaemin wished she could live a normal life. the kind of life where she didn’t have to hide, where love wasn’t a cynical memory and she didn’t have to wake up and fear for her life.. not one of violence, dishonesty and fear that she’s currently living.

she wished that for one second, that she didn’t have to push people away. she wished that for one second she could talk about all aspects of her life.. like how her body always ached from being slammed into concrete walls, or how she had to see a chiropractor twice a week for her bad back, or how slimy old men would stare and taunt her on a regular basis. 

but how could she?  because in the end? 

all jaemin ever was and will continue to be are forgotten one night stands. 

[jojaemin]

02. ill

if there was one thing that jaemin absolutely hated more than her father, it was getting sick. she felt weak and vulnerable. when you’re sick, all you ever do is sleep and hope that you have enough energy to eat or get to the bathroom. if only medicine worked in such a way where it instantly zapped all the foreign creatures out of her immune system, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. 

jaemin was a person who never gets sick, when she did, it hit hard. her head was pounding, she could barely move without feeling dizzy and she had no motivation of getting up. she didn’t want to call her mom or anybody for that matter, but with every passing hour it was getting harder and harder to do things on her own. in a sense that meant her fever was peaking and it was only getting better from there, but it also meant that she would have to endure the day or two or pure agony to get there. 

she heaved a cough that put more on her pressure head and only served it fuel the fire of her suffering. she was feeling fine two days ago, why did all of a sudden she came down with this stupid cold? with her eyes closed she laid in her bed, the sound of the mist from the humidifier filled the room. she was hot and cold, she wanted to get up to feed herself but her head kept telling her to stay down. 

“god this fucking sucks...”

mustering up all the strength she had, she turned on her side yet again heaving another cough. a weak groan left her lips as she pulled the blankets up to her chin, exhaustion soon taking over. 

‘please let this be over soon.’

[jojaemin]

01. private

jaemin felt itchy. she felt as though she had consumed ten cups of coffee and her mind was running at a mile a minute. her face contracted in an uncomfortable manner, trying her best to find the source of her anxiousness. however to her dismay, nothing came to mind. everything was normal-- normal bills, normal days at work, nothing out of the ordinary. yet, here she was feeling as though her heart was about to leap out of her chest. 

she kept clawing at it with the tips of her fingers, not even noticing it was starting to get red. who was there to talk to? jaemin always appeared so strong and able in front of others, but when time came for her to break down, who was there for her? 

though, it was no surprise to her. she created that type of brand for herself. not to mention she would seethe at the thought of appearing weak of anybody, even if it was to herself. but how much was enough? her breath picked as she felt her ears get wet. she reached up to wipe it only to discover that she was crying; there would be none of that in her book. 

jaemin quickly wiped her tears, doing her best to try and calm herself down. 

‘it’s whatever, it’ll just pass. fucking suck it up jaemin.’

[jojaemin]

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