johnsonfungcs

[johnsonfungcs]

While I was aching from the lack of deeply meaningful friendships, remembering the impermanence of those who like the seasons where passing by my life with time- as if an allotment of hours to their companionship was as brief as rain- I realised those seasons of people where many to whom I sought my soul, inquiring the tempest of life and its abundant questions.

“Should I- could I- must I-“

The many I conferred to in the past remains frozen in time. I realize much of them had spoken (albeit to their best intentions) only for that moment- not for a lifetime with me through all time. Thinking they knew what was once best for me, I realise now that the advice I sought of them had been a blueprint to my life, yet at this moment where are they in my life, are they still as available, am I still as precious, do they see me… Do they see me?

They head off- perhaps you had flown by as a cloud, they only noticed the beauty of your companionship sky high, swiftly gone to their next destination.

I realise now how lonely it is to not be oneself- the inadequacy that haunts you that to your best intentions for others, they will not do the same faithfully to you- yet that is okay, allow people to pass through your life; maybe friendship is a compound collective of the soul they had poured into you?

Yet who remains faithfully to themselves more than they that exist in eternal consciousness? Must I hate myself so much to lack a proper love for self, or must I unravel myself constantly in the best for suppositions of others that I miss out on myself?

Aloneness is scary, but only now I realise it is the most liberating thing to owe yourself to none- not in hatred nor selfishness- but in finding yourself trusting that navigating life alone will eventually lead you to a kin of people alone (as opposed to isolation) as well- in togetherness and wholeness.

[johnsonfungcs]

Ode to being wrong.

May I find solace in knowing rejection, that it is a million times better than chances; of what ifs, of what may never happen- lest I brace to risk face of mine. The very least of this plan, is that I know for certainty your heart is filled with no, and it does not resonate with my many yes for you.

I have given thought to fantasies far too long; stared at the edge of the oceans instead of clamouring its seas in search for treasure if there is any.

If this map does not lead to your heart, may peace instead be found in mine; that maybe, finally- I will find rest at last with certainty instead of chance.

[johnsonfungcs]

“I’m a loud introvert!”.

I’m convinced. I find it draining to socialise, I avoid large groups. I find comfort in solace. After years of succession of personality tests, I’ve been refined as an “introvert”; I fit all the criteria, right?

That is, until one day as I pondered in my identity, I felt Holy Spirit ask me: “Are you really introverted, or did hurt turn you into one?”.

Then, memories of my youth re-embarked itself into my consciousness.

I see myself joyful, talkative, loud, energetic week after week with people. Effortlessly talking, speaking to many new people, making many friends along the way.

Interestingly, i thought I had outgrown a “youthful” part of myself that loved being himself unapologetically.

I guess in my many years along the way, life has drastically sullied me into a pessimistic realist. It has drain joy out of me for people.

It isn’t the people that has drained me- it is the circumstances that has drained me enough to not find joy in people, if that makes sense? That in loving so hard, you’ve allowed your vulnerability- your heart- to be broken into, robbed, and left empty- locking it with chains and disallowing even your blood to flow into it to sustain life- or even God Himself.

I realize now that people aren’t necessarily draining my social battery. I realized it was many wounds that had been a baggage to carry that has drained me of the love necessary to give to people: like a water bottle leaking out its contents.

I’m unashamed to admit that my wounds has caused a rift in my social capacity. I believe that it was grace that has led me to this conclusion to write; not as an explanation, but to interpret that God truly knows us deeper than we can ever know- and the way He made us to be is something He truly cherishes about each loving children He cares for. And that He wants to fill that aspect of life again with His presence: to consolidate His love for us in new ways that we can’t ever dream to imagine. “Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy- but I have come to give life in abundance”.

And I don’t feel condemned in this weakness. It’s as if Holy Spirit is asking me “would you love again?”

After countless disappointments, hurts, and tribulations- it’s funny that God will ask you if you’re willing to be yourself again- and not reinterpret yourself, but to interpret yourself through the lenses of God. And to open yourself to vulnerability again.

“What if I get hurt?”

I believe hurt isn’t absent in those who love strongest. I believe it takes courage of Godly proportions to manifest that kind of love- a willingness to be hurt- but forgiving.

It makes sense!

Jesus loved the denying Peter, and the runaway disciples, and the betraying Judas; He loved despite the damages of the cross, and Israel through the unjust accusations.

A Spirit love is a love that understands that it can thrive even in hurt, not afraid of it, neither denying of it. But irrationally forgiving of hurt; and disallowing it to form a prejudice to love.

So, yes. I am an extrovert. I wish I am a part of the cool introvert club, but I guess I’m comfortable as I am as God intended! Denying your identity is denying God’s reflection that was meant for you to see.

Edit: hate lies to you that love is the absence of hurt. It totally isn’t true. Love is the acceptance that hurt is the tenderness of your heart processing the pain of being vulnerable. An unhealthy view of hurt is to avoid it like the plague- but that shouldn’t be the case. It’s allowing yourself to process hurt in a healthy way.

[johnsonfungcs]

I’ve been meaning to write about the last months I’ve had in Singapore.

Updates?

Thoughts…?

Divine… purpose?

There isn’t a conclusive thought while my mind has been amok these nights. So tonight, I lay awake and ask myself “if I’m never going to write about it, when will I?”

So what’s the scoop? Well, I feel like I’ve been inside a microwave of a waiting place for God to pull through.

The heat increases faithfully as time passes, to melt whatever coolness I have been chilled for the last few years. The temperature is immensely intense: the microwaves pierces through coldness in order to bring out the right amount of heat for consumption; but the process is ongoing. A painful, slow process with intense heat that never seems to end.

I feel like my mind has melted with the amount of thinking it has done. If it were to be a source of electricity, it’ll probably be able to charge up my phone to keep me up at night while scrolling through contents mindlessly to avoid a thought to occur. But yet in the nights of ugliest fleets that ran across my mind, a tinge of God’s sweet faithfulness remains.

How do I explain this? It feels like in the quietness; the maddening physical, social, and emotional isolation, there’s a different sensation of “contentment” or wholeness that is discovered; an essence of a faithfully omnipotent and omnipresent God that engulfs your spirit with His Spirit in a consistent manner- as a river flows by the creeks- that is the Man of God that has been faithfully good in these times of hardship.

The first few months were a brutal uphill battle of tears and wails. Sobbing myself to sleep and asking, bargaining, and arguing with God like a demanding spouse who nags away at her lover. “God, I deserve better! Do you not love me? I can’t take this anymore! I wanna go home.”

But I can’t explain why God works the way He does, yet it is thematically unique in the way we are fearfully and wonderfully made to reflect who He represents in our individual lives.

To me, He’s a risk taker, a committed non-quitter. And a totally joyful God.

It’s ironic. I’m no risk taker (reckless isn’t risk taking), I’m half-hearted, and fully pessimistic. I feel like God had married a horrible spouse! But that’s what makes Him God that while we are horrifically damned sinners, He loved us so much to the point of the cross. One might say He’s crazy for us.

The waiting is the Egypt equivalent of our lives; or the wilderness of Abraham waiting on Isaac to be birthed. The Israelites wanted out, and desired their captivity over freedom in the wilderness. Abraham took his own interject to a son by bedding Hagar instead of waiting for the promise. That’s interesting that while we wait on the promise, it can drive men crazy enough to challenge God and take things in our own hands while simultaneously being devoted to God.

And this is where I’m learning to discover the rest beyond wrestling with God. These two weave together hand in hand in a sense that the more you struggle and see that God isn’t moving, the more you realize “maybe brute force isn’t cutting it” and you’ll start to fight less, and I don’t mean this linearly. Fights with God is bound to happen; That’s the sinful nature in us that wrestles with God. But in each distinct field that we wrestle (careers, relationships, family, etc) when we learn to find rest instead it’ll be a bountiful reward of meeting God in that waiting place.

To enter into that rest, that promise land that Hebrews talks about- isn’t a cessation of work, or the mundane, or in dreams or purpose. It’s an indescribable trust of faith in the Man God is for you in whatever lack or season you are in. The beautiful surrender of saying “God, I want you to be enough, but I am weak that you aren’t enough to me in this reality. Would you make yourself a room in me to rest and be enough for me?”

So God, I’m trusting You that this microwave season isn’t forever. You’ll eventually have to bring me out to enjoy for Yourself. You can’t keep me here forever because eventually I’ll break. And even if I do, I know you’ll make me whole again. In this season of turning around and around, I know You’re equally excited to see a finished state of this season for Your own glory instead of mine; You have fashioned this life- and may You see through its end as with the start.