johnnyearthling

[johnnyearthling]

UPDATE: I GOT A NEW PET!!

GOOOD MYTHICAL MORNING, COSMIC BEASTS! Well, it could be morning where you are: I actually have no concept of morning and night on Earth–the last few weeks of space travel have really given me spaceship fever. But I’ve still got Mythicon and meeting all you human creatures to look forward to, so that helps a lot. But also, I’m proud to introduce the newest member of the cosmic beast rebellion: STEVEN THE SPACE SHRIMP! I found that little guy, separated from his herd in the Lagoon Nebula and I knew the moment we locked beady eyes, he was the pet for me. I spend my days pretending that all the Racoon jerky I brought is doing the trick and that I DON’T want to eat my new pet. I promised him I wouldn’t, and I think I’d be lost without his company so I won’t but I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t thought about it. 

While this blog post was partly written to share the exciting news of my new space crustacean compadre, I also wanted to thank you, human Cosmic Beasts, for sharing this journey with me. It feels so nice knowing that my words are being read by people I haven’t met yet, and I’m thrilled to meet you all in person. But if you haven’t already figured it out, us Cosmic Beasts are being tracked–space travel is dangerous, sure, but with Trackers out and about AND the threat of Trackers infiltrating Mythicon is pretty nerve wracking–we’ve all got our knickers in a twist over it. I’ve come so far and would be so bummed to be caught and sent home. That’s why, thanks to Glorp Glorp, we’ve found a very secret and special way to meet you all at Mythicon. I’m chomping at all 4 rows of my teeth to tell you what exactly that is, but I don’t know what sort of humans and aliens are reading these posts and I don’t want to expose our rebellion. I’ve been told by SpaceDawg Gary that y’all should have the POOH, so I’m just going to leave you with this. Wish me luck and I know I’ll be wishing you all luck as Mythicon quickly approaches. BYMB, Cosmic Beasts–THE REBELLION CONTINUES!

[johnnyearthling]

A STUDY OF EARTHLING CULTURE

Now that a travel update is out of the way, I’ve done a lot more research and exploration into human culture, and I wanted to give you guys an update on some things I’ve gotten really into.

SNOOP DOUBLE OH GEE. You GUYS! Here I was, thinking the most important artist in human culture was Taylor Swift. Swiftees hang on to your teardrops and dumb guitars because we let the gosh darn DAWG out. What an incredible dude. Great music, excellent cookbook (I even tried my hand at a couple recipes and OOOWEE that man knows his way around a batch of mac and cheese)--honestly I think you could sustain yourself on Snoop Dog products alone for at least the rest of your life. And they’re all awesome! Mad love for Snoop.

Stress balls. We aliens do not suffer from what you call “Stress.” Stress seems like it sucks worse than a black hole getting ready for company to come over, and we aliens don’t really have anything similar, but MY GOSH do we love texture. And boyyyy these stress balls have incredible texture. In fact, I love them so much, I ordered a bunch and glued them all together to make a giant bed out of them. And before you ask, yes, we have Amazon in space, and YES, their delivery speeds are just as incredible. Speaking of: does anyone know where I can reach Jeff Bezos? I’d like to know how he keeps the top of his head so shiny. I can’t get mine to be that shiny, so I like to wear a clown wig as a toupee. My giant stress ball bed is kind of lonely lately, but maybe there will be another alien who will one day want to Stress Ball Bed and Chill with me.

Tattoos. You guys, tattoos are SO. COOL. If you know of any tattoo artists that think they can work with alien skin, I’ve really been thinking a lot about what I’d want. Good thing I have billions upon billions of light years to really give it some thought. I’ve decided I would like one of the little yellow creatures from my favorite human movie, Despicable Me. What are your thoughts? I can’t wait to wake up every morning face to face with a giant Minion on my tummy (that’s where I think I want it).

Dirtbikes. Man, those things are awesome. I’d love to learn how to do a backflip on one of those at Mythicon, so if you can bring one with you in your suitcase, that’d be really neat. Nothing seems more dope than hitting a table top with the breeze in your hair (gosh, I wish I had hair!) and the sound of the bike’s tires in the dirt around a corner. Are dirt bikers super cool? Are they hard to ride? I’d love to go for a ride on someone’s dirt bike, if they have the room.

Grills. Pretty much every other inch of me is sparkly and shiny: why shouldn’t my teeth be, too? Does everyone own a set of grills for fancy occasions? Could I wear mine to a McDonalds, or a Red Lobster? Rhett and Link seem to really like those restaurants and I want to look my best at the place my two favorite people love to grab a meal at.

Before I leave you to take a little space nap, I just have a quick question: What is pumpkin spice? Why is everyone so excited about it? Why are some people angry about it? I can’t wait to hear from you all and most importantly, see you in just a few weeks!

[johnnyearthling]

TRAVEL UPDATE!

Greetings, Earthlings! It’s been awhile so I thought I’d give you a little update on my travels. What I’ve been up to, who I’ve ran into. Unfortunately, space travel is not as exciting as the movies make it seem like. A lot of space travel involves sitting around, eating, watching a shooting star pass by, try not to get hit by said shooting star, and combing through the odd clump of space junk you pass every now and then. I will say, I have gotten some pretty cool stuff from space junk: I found a toaster, one very snazzy shoe I will use to store raccoon jerky in, and my grandad! So that was cool to see him again. He’s not dead, he just likes to float around aimlessly in his old age. And we didn’t really have the heart to say no, so he’s out there, just floatin’. Always a treat to quite literally run into him.

I’ve also gotten to see some pretty cool spaceside attractions: take for example, the cosmo’s largest ball of String. It’s just a bunch of Sting merch that somehow made its way to space and by some magical unknown scientific force, all found their way to each other. I got a magnet from that place to remember it by. I also swung by a few Astroby’s for a couple roast raccoon and cheese sandwiches. It’s not my favorite fast food, but it’s really grown on me this trip. Another cool spot I stopped at and HIGHLY recommend is the Cosmic Crocodile farm: This is a farm made entirely out of alien crocodiles. If you give them a little kiss on the snout, they treat you to the hallucinogenic experience of a lifetime. It was AWESOME. I frolicked through so many fields and kissed so many crocodiles I had to buy chapstick at the gift shop. A memorable experience for sure. As always, I’ll keep you updated with some more tales from the road, and in the meantime, keep a lookout from my grandad. On full moons you can sometimes see him taking a break in a crater.

PS: Has anyone heard from Glorp Glorp as to where everyone’s staying? I don’t mind getting my own place but I’d love to be around everyone! Also, are there any other aliens coming to Earth? I’ve heard wind that maybe Trackers are out looking for us and I’d rather not engage in unpleasantries with those party pooper fun suckers. See ya later, alligators! (Just learned that and I LOVE IT!)

[johnnyearthling]

INTERVIEW: SpaceDawg Gary

Today I sat down with SpaceDawg Gary, a super old Alien who knows pretty much everything there is to know about alien life. I asked him everything from his likes, dislikes, human culture, and most importantly, his stance on the human food, pickles. But you didn’t come here to read my blubbery blog–this is all about SpaceDawg Gary. And if you like what SpaceDawg Gary’s throwin’ down, head on over to his site and sign up for his newsletter where he’s got TONS more information about all things alien. Enjoy!

What’s the weirdest body part on a human, in your opinion?

That’s a hard one, there’s so many! Probably their fingernails. They grow their whole life and cause as many problems as they solve.

What’s your favorite aspect of Human culture?

Music. It’s amazing and there’s sooo much of it. Humans are so creative!

What is the weirdest thing you think Humans do?

Pee and poop in public spaces instead of the moon like a normal alien.

What’s the biggest misconception Humans have about aliens?

That they want their bodies. As if! Human bodies can hardly do anything.

What’s your opinion on Humans being obsessed with zodiac signs?

Humans are always looking for answers, so it makes sense. Zodiac, crystals, reruns of the Office. It’s all trying to explain human folly but missing the laugh track, if you know what I mean.

If you had to deliver a secret message, what method would you use? (Disappearing ink, morse code, etc)

Great question! I’ve ‘heard’ the rebellion uses a few methods a LOT. How many aliens read your blog, kid? I always liked morse and your basic pig-latin. But the more advanced stuff would be what I would use if I HAD to; hieroglyphs, visualized waveforms, Emojis, binary, a few others. Humans have so many languages but they hardly ever use them together.

You were around when aliens and humans used to hang out all the time–what do you miss most about Earth? How about humans?

The pure sugars. They have the best veggies too. I miss dancing to loud Earth music, the sound of wind blowing through the trees. I miss hanging out with Human Cosmic Beasts, called Mythical Beasts. They’re the nicest humans on Earth! I also miss Brad Pitt’s garden parties. He’s a great host and a hell of a juggler.

If you could bring one thing to Earth, what would you bring?

My automatic floorghazill straightener! That or a Blompkin-Flerg 9800, or newer model.

What’s your favorite fun fact about aliens?

Only one species of aliens has 3 glorms.

If you could only carry three things with you at all times, what would they be?

A cheese stick, the human internet, a ice cold can of flerblev juice

How much cheese is too much cheese?

No amount, IMO

How many grapes can you fit in your cheeks?

All of them.

If you were a character in a comic book, what would your onomatopoeia be when your character busts in on the scene and takes out some bad guys? (Ex. Pow! Bang!)

DANG!

What do you like the least about humans?

Their innate farts.

Do you have a signature dance move?

Yes, but it takes several hours to do.

Do you have any enemies?

I used to, and I hope they remember me. Picture me traveling at lightspeed, suckers!

Tell us a little about what being an alien historian is all about, and the kind of information you have.

It’s mostly boring galactic government secrets and detailed data collected on humans. I lived on Earth for my career, so I had time to learn and see a lot. Back then, it wasn’t history, it was research. Since the Earth ban, it’s become history, because it’s so hard to learn and study Earth. I wished more humans communicated with us. We’re right here! Dang it!

What makes you the happiest?

Stoking out others.

Are you scared of anything?

Oh yeah. But I don’t let it slow me down. Human Americons have a saying, YOLO. It stands for ‘Your Only Live Organically’ and it’s a way of saying because Earth has no life extending bio-technology yet, your body can be damaged, but don’t worry! Live a little, you only go around once.

What’s the worst sound in the galaxy, in your opinion?

The space wolves of Pluto's howl.

How do you prefer to travel intergalactically?

Non-linear rescramblizer

Give the cosmic beasts reading this interview some advice!

Be careful if you decide to travel to Earth! The ETTCD will be looking for you!

What’s more irrelevant to you: a corn cob or a succulent? Why?

Corn cob. They don’t flower.

Just out of curiosity, what are the most useful tools to use when planning a rebellion?

Ummmm…look for clues. Usually the rebellion uses their symbol along with clues…I’ve heard.

What’s your stance on pickles?

For ‘em.

[johnnyearthling]

;)

***

[johnnyearthling]

EXCITING NEWS!

Galactic Mythical Morning, Cosmic Beasts! And welcome back to my blog. Thanks for comin’! And especially today, because have I got some neeeeeewwwws, hunni!!!!! Guess word of my little musings have been traveling ‘round the galaxy because I got to interview THE SpaceDawg Gary!!! For all you earthlings, he’s basically your Bill Guy the Science Nye. So he’s pretty cool. He had a TON of advice as we head towards Mythicon and I can’t wait to post the interview here next week! Definitely recommend giving that a read if you’re interested at all about what me and my Cosmic Beast pals are up to! WHICH, by the way! We have officially hit the road! Well, we did a few million light years ago, but the way we travel is a little different: it takes us MUCH less time to travel to you guys, but it’s still going to take a while, so me and my cosmic beast pals thought we’d make a little space road trip out of it all! First, we’re heading to the Galaxies Largest Ball Of String. Some say that if you get close enough you can see the little space gnomes who live in there and sometimes, one even reaches their tiny little gnome hand out. If you pull their flayngdanglang, you either get a trick or a treat: I don’t know if it’s worth the risk but I’m going to give it a try. When in Gnome, right? I’ll let you guys know what happens in my next post, in addition to posting that interview. As we get closer and closer to Earth, I get more and more excited. I think, right now, what I’m most excited about is purchasing a cowboy hat and something called a “bathrobe?” If there’s one thing aliens value as much as candy, it’s comfort. It’s one of the three C’s: Cowboys, Candy, and Comfort. So you can imagine how stoked we were when we found out all the Mythical Beasts were going to be in cowboy country! We heard everything is bigger there: what does that mean? Let me know in the comments, it’s so nice hearing from you all!! It’s my turn to drive the spaceship, so I gotta go. BYMB!

[johnnyearthling]

WILL IT PO(E.T.)RY

In lieu of a blog post today, I am instead composing an ode to Will Its, in general. My fellow cosmic beasts and I love the sweet rounds of course, especially when it involves candy. Without further ado, here is an ode to some of my favorite episodes in Earth verse!

Will It Taco? A Limerick 

Will It Taco did nothing but slay

In fact, it’s now a ballet

Minus the bloods

(That’s just for you buds!)

It’s become an alien holiday

Will It Hot Dog? An Acrostic

What a wonder,

Is a hot dog

Leaving nothing to the imagination

Letting it all hang out in its open bun

Imagination knows no bounds 

To you kitcheneers when it comes to piping hot hounds

However, we could’ve done without the intestines

Oh well, 

That’s a small price to pay

Don’t you think,

Oh Rhett and Link?

Galaxies everywhere rejoice

Will It Funnel Cake?

Will It Funnel Cake felt like a prize

We gobbled it up with our eyes!

We couldn’t believe

This was up your sleeve

Some say it made the dead rise 

Will It Gummy? A Limerick 

Will It Gummy was simply just dandy

So we all, led by Cosmic Beast Randy

Took to the streets 

Ate so many sweets

Our poops came out smelling like candy

Will It Burrito? In The Style Of Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliette:

But soft! Tortilla! What cheese oozes through yonder scrambled eggs? It is the breakfast burrito and we are the mouth.

[johnnyearthling]

Okayyy so no big toe jokes when I get to earth. Good to know.

[johnnyearthling]

Friends, not food

Third Eye Space Cat - 2022

[johnnyearthling]

Alien Myths BUSTED

Galactic Mythical Morning, cosmic beasts! I have to get straight to the subject at hand this morning. This post is a long time coming for us aliens because as much as we love learning about your culture, it kiiinda seems like you have maybe not learned as much about us as we have about you. So I just wanted to bust a couple alien myths today so that when my friends and I arrive at MythiCon, you know what NOT to expect. 

WE DON'T EAT CATS: Yeah, you guys, we don’t eat cats. Like I’ve mentioned before, we’re big fans of Space Raccoon meat, but mostly, we just eat sugar. We LOVE sugar. 

WE WEAR CLOTHES: I know you think ET is one of the best movies of the 80s (or all time, I don’t have time for a debate, movie buffs) but you guys: he walked around straight up nekked. N.A.K.E.D. Fully nude. I couldn’t put it any clearer. And honestly, power to him. Who doesn’t love their birthday suit? But yeah, he was a big ol’ prankster back in his galaxy so he really got a lot of clout for that one. Was it worth almost dying? In my opinion, no. But he did introduce Reese’s Pieces into our galaxy so there’s that. 

WE ARE NOT GREEN: Well, we are not ALWAYS green. Occasionally, if a leafy green veggie sneaks into our food undetected and we don’t catch it in time, we turn bright green. So we HATE veggies, because it really restricts our wardrobes. Who looks good head to toe in lime green? J.Lo, circa 2000. End of list.

YOU WILL NOT FIND US IN AREA 51: If there’s one thing little bebé aliens are taught, it’s to avoid Area 51. Do you think that if we’re taking the trouble to travel millions of lightyears away, we want to go to a museum? We could literally go to any other of your planets in the Milky Way for that. If we aliens are coming to earth, there’s 5 places we want to go right off the bat: 1. Austin, Texas, OBVIOUSLY.  2. Guadalajara, Mexico for the International Mariachi Festival, 3. The M&M store in Time Square, NYC, 4. The hills that are alive with the sound of music (but NOT the ones that have eyes, thank you very much), and 5. Canada. They seem very even keeled there.

WE DO NOT WANT YOUR BODIES: We have seen enough human movies to know that you think we need to take over your bodies in some way. Hard pass. You guys: we have five brains, a retractable tail, sugar is actually good for us, and we have KILLER booties. Y'all, we don’t want anything to do with your skin sacks. 

I’m sure I could do this all day, but those are pretty much the Big 5 to know when we land on your Earth. It’s okay if you bring it up on accident, but like, actually don’t. At all. Anyways, great talking to you as always, earthlings. BYMB!

[johnnyearthling]

EPISODE ANALYSIS: Dropping Things Off The Roof 6/8/2022

Galactic Mythical Morning, Cosmic Beasts! Let’s talk Mystery Countdown Theatre. I LOVE these episodes, because I get to learn so much about all the weird stuff you have on your planet and the equally odd things you use it for. I just watched “We Throw Things Off A Roof,” and I LOVED IT. We don’t have gravity in space, so I’ve never seen anything break before. Except my heart when I didn’t make the ribbon dancing team in Alien-mentary school. Anyways, that was AWESOME! I think the first thing I want to do when I get to Earth is to throw something off a building. Do you guys have any suggestions? I was thinking something like the Statue of Liberty or a cowboy boot. I also loved seeing a bird feeder smash! We have bird feeders in space, too, only ours are a little different. Our Bird Feeders are little stations for when you’re feeling too lazy to make your own food, so you go to a Bird Feeder, where you put your whole mouth around a tube (a lot of aliens can open our mouths as wide as an Earth cantaloupe) and then a giant space bird that looks alot like your Cockatrice but has the body of a hippo, flies out of the sky cawing and opens its mouth and delivers some amazing alien eats right to our extra terrestrial tummies. I’m pretty bad at guessing what the items are: it took me a year alone to figure out the purpose of what you Earthlings call a “Banana Hammock,” and even now I don’t think I’m using it right. Is it supposed to weave around your Klorgghencaps? Let me know! That’s enough for now, I’m in need of a snack and I’ve got leftover Space Raccoon Jerky in my fridge. Yum! Ta Ta! BYMB!

[johnnyearthling]

So excited to eat earth food!!

Sprouting potato. Gouache on black paper.

[johnnyearthling]

WE NEED ANSWERS!!

Last post, I talked about all the phobias I learned about with the Top 10 phobias, but cosmic beasts, I still have so many questions! So I thought I’d dedicate this post to the things that I don’t really understand about your Earth: specifically in a list. Aliens LOVE lists. No special space reason: we just like to feel accomplished. Feel free to comment below with explanations or if you agree/disagree. I love a little community debate! It’s sweet and sassy. Let’s start with vests. 

VESTS: What’s the point of a vest? Aren’t your flayncians too cold and your body too hot? How do those work? Can you sprout wings out the back? Do they come with sleeves and you take them off? I just don’t understand these at all. 

WOOL: What’s the deal with wool? Why do you wear it if it’s so scratchy? And why do some of you take pictures wearing matching ones under decorated forest trees? 

TOE SOCKS: Human toes are the subject of most horror films in our galaxy. They really creep us out, and so the thought of giving them their own individual home is in my opinion, both terrifying and irresponsible.

ESCAPE ROOMS: Why do you pay to lock yourself in a room and figure your way out? In space, we call that jail, so it’s confusing for me to wrap my Noogdoogen around this concept. If we want to play a game, we launch random objects at your Earth.

JELL-O: As my mom always says “If your food can boogie better than you can, don’t eat it.” 

SPRAY TANS: I got caught in a dust storm on Mars. Orange dust was coming out of my holes for a week! Does that happen when you get spray tanned too?

BANANAS: Are they phones or just food? Can you actually talk to people with them?

BANJOS: The sound of a Banjo is actually very dangerous to some aliens and makes our ears ouvideyoohoos bleed.

ROLLER SKATES: If some of y'all think the Earth is flat, what the heck are you doing on those? Lol.

I’m sure I’m missing something but I think this is a pretty good list for now. Is there anything about space you don’t like or want to know about? I’m all ouvideyoohoos!

[johnnyearthling]

that feeling when you find out humans have something called “toe socks”

[johnnyearthling]

#teamedward

[johnnyearthling]

EPISODE ANALYSIS: Top 10 Phobias 5/10/2022

Galactic Mythical Morning, beasts! First off, going forward, please let me know if you see any spelling errors: I am using Human Translate! Anyways, it has come to my attention that you guys have something called a “phobia.” I just watched Ranking The Top 10 Phobias, so immediately I was like “yes, I feel HEARD, Earthlings. Because, like: SNAKES?! Ummmm EEK!!!! I get why you guys are pretty scared of those things. Where are their flayncians? Why are their tongues always flicking around? Why can’t they keep them in their mouths? Craig does seem pretty cool, though. Fun fact: we aliens can understand snakes, and he wants to cordially invite you to a pool party in his habitat. It’s BYOB. That part’s nonnegotiable. He also says that if given the chance, he’d like to take a nap in Link’s belly button. What’s a belly button? Anyways, on to the next Earthly phobia! Gravity doesn’t exist where I live so I don’t have a fear of heights, but I do have an INTENSE fear of black holes and accidentally falling into one. In addition to heights, aliens are also most commonly scared of (and this is in particular order) having to use the moon next to someone you know, accidentally teleporting to the sun, our moms when company comes over, running out of candy in our galaxy, and Elon Musk. It’s not very common but I am also deathly afraid of bouncy balls because of an incident where I thought one was a gumball and it bounced around my insides for 3 weeks before I was able to pass it. Sorry to leave you with that image, but my GalaxyGrub driver just arrived–gotta blast! BYMB!

[johnnyearthling]

me on my way to austin lol

Vibing in da Car, 2018