johninrecovery

[johninrecovery]

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

If you’ve ever gotten anything out of my writing, if it’s ever helped you, I’m truly glad. I haven’t written in a while. It’s tough. It’s scary. I’m not the best at it, but I felt like I needed to say this tonight.

I’m still here. I’m still fighting. I have good days and bad. Moments of joy, and moments of pain. I’ve forgiven, and forgotten, and remembered. I’ve walked this valley with my Lord for four years. I will never stop walking until I’m beyond it. I will never stop moving forward. I’m a fighter. I belong to Jesus. I refuse to lose. I refuse to give up, despair, or deny my calling. I was made to belong to Jesus, be Kaylas husband, and be the father of our kids. That’s the desire of my heart. I will do it. I have been confronted by hopelessness, fear, meaninglessness, and depression. I have contended with them, and they have tormented me. But hopelessness is not my king. Jesus is. Fear is not my God. Jesus is. Meaninglessness is not my Lord. Jesus is. And depression is not my master. Jesus is. I defy them all because I refuse anything but victory. I live in defiant joy, and I will forever, because I’m here for a reason and I know who my Lord and Savior is.

If you are struggling, if you feel hopeless, if you feel broken, I want you to believe this: There is always hope because Jesus is alive. There is always forgiveness because Jesus is alive. There is always light, and life, and joy, and peace, and grace because Jesus is alive. He wants you to be His child, and He made you for a reason. He loves you with a love so deep and everlasting, so wonderful, and so good, it will change you forever. Call out to Him, and you will never walk alone again. Believe me. My life, my victory, is all a testament to who He is. He is good. He is love. He is Jesus. You were made to be His.

I know this was heavy, but I needed to write it. I pray it helps someone. I sit here writing this as a man in a struggle, but a man full of joy still. Why? Because I know what I’m fighting for, and who I’m fighting for.

Stand up. Break free from fear. Get help if you need it. Get into therapy. Get treatment. Get up and go. Fight for your life. It’s worth more than you can imagine, and you’re here for a reason. You can be free here in this life.

Never forget:

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

Take heart, and live.

You’re not alone.

- John Littlefield

[johninrecovery]

It’s easy to say “Fight On” when you’re full of peace, and life feels easy. It’s tough to say it when you feel the weight of panic, and the knife of anxiety, and the dizziness of worry. It’s tough to say it, and tougher to do it. But that is exactly what we must do. We must say “fight on” when fighting feels futile, and when struggling up and up and up from the swamp of doubt and pain seems impossible. We must say it, and we must do it. Thats why we’re here. To overcome, and press on, and hold hope in our hearts forever. We lose ourselves in the hopelessness that often follows depression and anxiousness, and we accept it because of its strength and because of the stigma that the ones who suffer with such things are weak, or crazy, or lost. But we only lose our way when we choose to accept those lies and surrender ourselves and our futures to the pain we must contend with. Let it be a comfort to you that each time you confront fear, and pain, and hopelessness, and you rebel against them with the truth that you are beloved, and you are strong, and you are worth fighting for you, that you are not alone, and you become stronger each time you fight on. You are never alone in this. You are never too far gone. Your life is worth fighting for, always, no matter what. Right now by mind is a storm. I feel the fear. The chill of bitter anxiety. I know the truth. I know who I am. I know I belong to Jesus. I know. But in my struggle, that knowledge seems so thin, and weak, and vulnerable. Just like I feel. I know, yet I fear. But that is the way of things. Great battles are still won by those with fear, but only because those who fight do not bow to fear and it’s demands. They look it in the eye, and they do not despair. They “Raise their swords in defiance”. Rebel, and mend yourself, and ride the storm until Peace comes. Fight on, and keep fighting on. Even when all seems hopeless, their is always hope. Take heart.

[johninrecovery]

We had to say goodbye to our boy today. I’m finding it hard to put my feelings into words that feel adequate right now. I want my words for Buck to do him justice, but I’m just crushed. My heart hurts so bad. Dally raised Buck from a pup, and he was with our family through thick and thin. He came to us like a gift from God during a very hard time, and he brought light and laughter and wild verve with him. We needed him, and he was with us through it all. He’s the greatest dog we’ve ever had. He was so loyal, and joyous, and hilarious, and kind, and he loved Dally and all of us so much, and we loved him so much. He was more than a pet to us. He was family. I don’t know if all dogs go to heaven. I just know Buck did. I know. That’s the kind of dog he was. The best. I can’t imagine him not roaming the land with his crazy tongue wagging smile and fluffy golden bear fur glowing in the sun. Can’t imagine cooking at my moms without him hanging around the kitchen panting in the hope that he might get a bite of whatever’s cooking. Can’t imagine never seeing Dally take him for a ride on the Polaris again, or not seeing him run after the four wheelers, or play in the snow, or chill in the shade under the truck on a hot day. I just can’t imagine him not being here with us. I can’t.

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday, and when I think about Buck I remember being a 20 year old kid again, and I remember seeing the ecstatic joy on my brothers face when he held his new puppy for the first time, and I remember the relief he brought to our hearts, and how absolutely precious he was, and how he lifted us up in a strange and beautiful and magical way and gave us hope during a time that seemed so hopeless. I feel all of that again when I think of Buck, but most of all I feel so unbelievably thankful. Thankful to a dog for being more than a dog. Thankful for his beautiful soul, and every bit of wild, wonderful, goofy love and joy he gave us. Thank you, Buck. Thank you for everything, buddy. Thanks for loving us. Thanks for being one of us. We love you, and we miss you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I thank God for you. See you soon.

[johninrecovery]

Still here 😊

Still fighting

Still moving forward

Still believing

TAKE HEART

[johninrecovery]

Like morning

Torn from a quiver

Falling in songs of fire

Oh horizon

Gulp it

The red rogue rising

It pours out it’s blessing

On all

Forever folds

Into forever

Like an end that has no end

That is my love for you

Like morning

My friend

[johninrecovery]

Battle on, my friends.

There is always hope, and that is why there is beauty in the struggle. Relief could seem a universe away, but truly be just around the next bend. There is healing here, now, in this place, in this life. There is victory. Believe it. Take heart.

[johninrecovery]

October 12th was the greatest day of our lives. I will never forget the moment when the doors at the end of the aisle swung open and I saw my bride for the first time. She was breathtaking. Utterly breathtaking. She has always been breathtaking. That moment was so profoundly beautiful that I could hardly believe It was real. It felt like a dream. The best dream ever. All of my anxiety evaporated in a flash, and the sweetest joy flooded my whole body. I felt weightless, weak at the knees, and happier than I’ve ever felt in all my life. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us and help make this dream of ours come true! We love you all. When we said our I do’s and turned to face the gathering of family and friends who had come from all over to support us, I truly felt blessed beyond words. I still do. I waited to post about the wedding until we got a preview of our wedding pictures because I knew they would be amazing. Here we are at golden hour. Impossibly happy, incredibly hopeful, and full of the truest love.

Photos by @jensenharrell

(Thank you, Jensen!)

[johninrecovery]

Be Here Now

Mental health is a mysterious and often misunderstood subject. Its sometimes ignored or minimized as a result. I don’t know the best way to go about spreading awareness, but I truly believe that demystifying mental health issues could help so many people who are struggling with this stuff around the world. I hope writing this can help in some way. When loved ones suffer with mental health issues it can be difficult for family and friends to figure out what to do to help day by day. This is for anyone out there who loves someone who is suffering. This isn’t about helping someone find therapy, treatment, or medication. Those are incredibly important decisions that should be discussed with mental health professionals and prayed about. This Is more about being there for the person on an everyday human level. Now some people refrain from showing support because they feel like they don’t know what to say, or don’t understand. Maybe they’re scared to say the wrong thing, or feel like they need to have all the answers or its not worth it to even try. Some people just don’t take mental health problems seriously, so they don’t try to help at all. This is for the people who want to be there. This is for the people who really care. First things first, you absolutely can help by being there for people who are dealing with this stuff, but you need to understand that you You don’t need to be the cure for your loved ones depression in order to be there for them. You don’t need to know exactly what to say all the time to be there for them. You don’t need to have all the answers, or completely understand how they feel or what they’re going through to be there for them. You just need to show them you care about them and what they are dealing with, show them their worth, show them love, and grace, and have patience, and be there with them and fight with them as they fight. Be available. Spend time with them. Make plans with them. Sincerely listen to them without judgement. Respect them and the seriousness of their condition. Ask them how you can help. Pray with them, and encourage them to take care of themselves, fight for their lives, and never give up. Don’t wait for them to reach out. Don’t ignore them because you don’t understand. Don’t forget them. Love them. Seriously, just love them. It’s not that complicated, but it takes courage and commitment and a truly charitable heart to really be there for someone in need. And make no mistake, we do need you. We really need you. I can’t stress that enough. When we reach out its because we are in trouble. We’re scared. We’re hurting. We may feel detached, alone, unwanted, violated, broken, lost, angry. We may be barely hanging on. We need help. And again, we don’t need you to have the perfect thing to say. We just want you to listen. We don’t need you to have the cure for us. We just want you to care. So don’t be afraid to take care of the person in your life that is struggling. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and offer your time and love. It means more than you could ever know. I promise. To everyone out there who fights alongside someone who is struggling, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have my deepest respect. Keep fighting, even when its hard. God is with you, and with them. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the broken hearted”. He cares for the hearts of all of us, and He calls us to care too. So don’t give up on them. Believe in hope, because there is always hope. I pray this helps someone out there. Take heart.

[johninrecovery]

Anxiety & Relief

I’m not sure if anyone will relate to this. But I wanted to try to describe what my anxiety feels like. For me anxiety feels like an ominous spirit hovering in the background of my mind all day long. Like a strange kind of dread. Like the feeling of waiting endlessly for someone or something horrible to arrive and ring your doorbell. Something destructive. Some kind of doom you didn’t ask for, and you cant name, but you know is coming for you. It flares up into loops of panic, and fear, and hopelessness, and sometimes It disappears for a few hours, and you feel free without realizing it. But it seeps back in, every time. Even when it seems under control, its not really. Its chaos inside. Its a fight, every day. Last night I was praying for my friends from treatment and a thought came to me that I hadn’t had before. As I asked God to give them all healing and hope and love and faith, the word “Relief” fell into my thoughts out of nowhere, so I asked God to grant them that as well. That is truly what all of us seek. The rush of relief, and the joy that comes with it. I’ve felt it. It comes and goes. But when relief floods my heart I feel like I’m gonna fly. Its beautiful. One of the most beautiful feelings in the world. The retreat of darkness, if only for a little while. I kind of spin precariously between these two sometimes, like when I don’t sleep, or when I’m extremely stressed. Thats scary. I have to admit, sometimes I’m afraid of the thoughts that might pop into my head during those moments in the loop. I’m afraid a lot. I hate that. I used to be angry, and I used to be sad, but now I feel scared more often than I ever have in my life. And I dont know how to explain that fear. And that hurts. That fills me with anger on top of it all. Its exhausting. But when I lay my head down at night, and I say my prayers, I do find a way to shut my eyes and hope for the new day to be better. I don’t find hope. I embrace it as a gift from Him. Even now as a I type this I feel the ominous grating pressure of anxiety on my chest and back. Even now i feel it coil around my throat like a snake, and run up and down my back in peels of strange heat. But I can hear my family in the next room laughing, and the cool and easy rush of relief is on its way. Take heart. Fight on.

[johninrecovery]

Do not lie to yourself

You are of infinite worth.

You may be beaten down by life

by family

by love

by death

by sickness

by heartbreak

by regret

by guilt

by loss

And now you are so sure you are not even worth the oxygen you take in or the space you take up.

But the devil is a liar.

You are worthy. You are loved. You are a child of God. Made for life, and love, and beauty, and joy. Let the truth rush over you, and fill you, and uplift you. Remember: The Lord is close to the broken hearted.

Now take heart, and fight on.

[johninrecovery]

Still here. Take heart.

[johninrecovery]

I used to cry out for joy. Now I whisper in desperation. This is a season of suffocation, and destruction, and soul-rot. Take heart. One day we will come up for air, and nothing will be the same again.

[johninrecovery]

Still.

A tiny update.

I’m okay. I’m hanging in there. I’m still in the fight. Some days are better than others. Been through two medications and two therapists since I got home from treatment in June. Wild. Can’t say I feel like I’m getting better or not. That’s okay. I’m still trying. That’s all I can do. I’m writing songs again. Country songs. Honest, fun, real songs. Wanna start a band with Kayla. A country band. Cooking a lot. Trying to stay busy. Wedding is getting close. I’m excited, and scared, and I hope I can make some progress before we take that plunge. I have to start getting better soon. I really do. She needs me. I won’t give up. It’s not an option, and it never will be. Recovery, full and complete recovery. That is the only option. I’m alright at the moment. I’m stable. This walk isn’t over yet. Thank you for your prayers. Please keep them coming. Take heart!

[johninrecovery]

I don’t know if I’m claustrophobic, but I’m pretty sure I could talk myself into it.

John/ToHanks/12:09am