joansnape

[joansnape]

Song quotes #1

“Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide then I thought. Maybe I just wanna be yours.”

[joansnape]

thoughts.

I've just read a girl on twitter who said that she started dating a 25 yo guy when she was 19 and when they separated (she was 27), he said to her that he started dating her bc he could mold her to his own, bc she was young.

My relationship with a man who was 30 years older than me was incredibly normal. There was mutual respect everytime. He never tried to change me or treated me with the superiority he clearly had, he always treated me like an equal.

One of the things that has always annoyed me about feminism was the fact that I can't be with the person I wanted to be with. But lately, a lot of situations have slapped me on the face and had left me shaking and I realised that my relationship was the exception, not the rule. My friends have also been with older man and their relationships almost kill them.

And from that, I learned a lot.

I repeat and insist, even though it wasn't my case at all, it's a fact that men look for young girls to mold them to his likes and create "the perfect woman". It's a fact that they take advantage of their lack of experience to exercise an emotional and physical superiority about them.

I wanted to talk about this bc it took me a long time to come to this conclusion, bc I love my ex so much and I didn't understand why people said (and says) that my relationship with him was toxic, at the moment, people close to me and now, feminists. But but it's not that it was toxic...

I was just lucky.

______________________________

Acabo de leer en twitter a una chica que empezó a salir con un tío de 25 cuando ella tenía 19 y cuando lo dejaron (ella tenía 27), él le confesó que empezó a salir con ella porque así podría moldearla a su gusto, porque era muy joven.

Mi relación con un tío 30 años mayor que yo (yo tenía 19) fue increíblemente normal, hubo respeto mutuo en todo momento y no me sentí incómoda jamás. Nunca trató de cambiar mi forma de ser ni me trató con una superioridad que evidentemente tenía, siempre me trató como a una igual. Una de las cosas que más me ha repateado del feminismo es el hecho de que yo no pudiera estar con quien a mi me daba la gana. Pero muchas situaciones me han dado tal bofetada que me han dejado temblando y me he dado cuenta de que mi relación fue la excepción, no la regla. Amigas mías también han salido con hombres más mayores y sus relaciones por poco las matan.

Y de eso, una aprende.

Repito e insisto, aunque no fue mi caso en absoluto, es un hecho que los hombres buscan tías jóvenes para moldearlas a su gusto y crear “la mujer perfecta”. Es un hecho que se aprovechan de la inexperiencia de estas chicas para ejercer una superioridad física y moral sobre ellas.

Lo quería comentar porque me ha costado llegar a esta conclusión, porque yo quiero muchísimo a mi ex y me costaba mucho llegar a creer que mi relación fue tóxica porque todo el mundo lo dijera, en ese momento en mi entorno y ahora todas las feministas, pero no es que fuera tóxica...

simplemente, es que tuve suerte.

[joansnape]

La vida está dando muchas vueltas ahora mismo y no sé donde ni cuando nos va a dejar aterrizar.

Tengo las ideas claras y mis objetivos están fijados, y eso es todo.

Se acerca Navidad, no tengo regalos pensados ni muchas ganas de celebrarla con gente que no me aprecia y no celebrarla con gente que echo de menos, pero ya sabes, la vida y sus vueltas.

A veces la gente más próxima a ti te hace sentir como si no fueras tú misma, y eso destroza por dentro. Por un lado están las personas que te han tocado en la lotería de sangre, que al fin y al cabo, de algunas de ellas ya te esperas de todo. Pero luego están las que eliges tener en tu vida, porque las eliges por algo en concreto. Cuando te hiere alguien que te ha marcado el alma, que te ha querido, cuidado, tenido en cuenta, ayudado, que ha estado para ti a cada segundo, alguien que te ha abrazado y secado tus lágrimas en tantas ocasiones y te ha protegido tanto que podría haber muerto en el intento, alguien que bajo ningún concepto quieres dejar escapar… eso sí duele. Duele muchísimo. Y te rompe en pedazos. Te rompe el corazón y cada día te levantas y te llevas la mano al pecho porque sientes una grieta, un pequeño agujero que antes no estaba ahí, y piensas “ansiedad”, sí. Probablemente lo sea, pero tiene su razón de ser. Nada es casualidad, todo pasa por algo. Soy de las que creen firmemente que los accidentes (buenos o malos) no existen, que si sucede algo es porque tenía que suceder y es la creencia que he adquirido por la fuerza a lo largo de mi experiencia como ser humano, que ya son 28 años de ser humano, ojo.

Cuando una de esas personas te hiere, te vienes abajo. “Mental Breakdown”, lo llaman. Lloras, sientes impotencia y miedo, muchísimo miedo de perderle. Como amigx, como confidente, como compañerx de aventuras, de juergas o de lo que sea. Pero también sientes miedo por si es esa persona la que quiere deshacerse de ti, por si ya son muchos años aguantándote y ya se ha cansado de tus tonterías y de tu forma de ser. También sientes miedo por si nunca puedes perdonarle lo que te ha hecho, por si siempre recuerdas las palabras que te dijo o la actitud que utilizó en tu contra. Y también sientes el miedo de “habrá madurado?, habré madurado yo? Ya no es como antes?”, y empiezas a pensar que todo se ha acabado.

Y claro, empieza el post-trauma. Pasas los siguientes días pensando en esa persona, en lo que habéis sido y en lo que os queda. En lo que te hizo, en lo que le hiciste. En si está solucionado o realmente esa persona ya te ha superado y quiere vivir su vida sin ti en ella y sin tus gilipolleces. Me dirá la verdad cuando me dice que me sigue queriendo y apreciando? O realmente quiere vivir tranquilx sin saber nada más de mi? Y empiezas a pensar en tu personalidad y en qué has hecho mal si siempre habéis estado bien.

“Soy una persona impulsiva, no pienso dos veces las cosas cuando me vienen a la cabeza, eso es cierto. Me dejo llevar fácil si alguien me provoca alguna inseguridad con respecto a mi o a mis seres queridos. Soy una puta macarra, una chula y sí, soy agresiva cuando tengo que defender lo que es mío o a los míos. Tengo cicatrices que demuestran que moriría por mis seres queridos y recuerdos en los que las peleas son las protagonistas. Para qué negarlo, mi gente me conoce perfectamente y siguen a mi lado, será por algo, no?” te dices a ti misma. Pero luego entra ese demonio en el hombro, ese que curiosamente siempre decides apoyar cuando aparece en los dibujos animados acompañado de su odioso pana, el ángel. Ese demonio empieza a hablarte y a decirte que a lo mejor no tienes razón: “piénsalo, colega. Te peleas, discutes, gritas y eso cansa! La mayoría de gente no es como tú, tu actitud cansa, tu personalidad cansa. Tu posesividad, tus celos, tu incongruencia y tu incoherencia… qué pereza. Te aguanta desde hace 10 años, no te va a aguantar toda la vida. Quién te crees que eres?”. Y te fumas un porro, y dos y tres. O te metes una raya. O te bebes un chupito o un vaso de whisky. Y eso lleva a la autodestrucción de la que siempre has huido y empieza la siguiente fase: básicamente que todo te de igual. Negación, en concreto. Porque nada te da igual, pero tú haces creer a la gente y a ti misma que sí. Y esta fase es la clave de todo. Es aquí donde tienes que demostrar que has aprendido con los años y que ya no eres la misma adolescente inmadura e ingenua. Aquí es donde tienes que tomar el camino correcto:

- Puedo pasar de esa persona y con el tiempo todo estará bien y nada importará. Puedo tirar de drogas y alcohol como he hecho siempre y así todo irá bien… supongo.

- Puedo asumir lo que ha pasado. Puedo asumir que no puedo vivir sin esa persona y que tengo que hacer algo para solucionarlo. En parte es culpa mía, aunque esa persona haya tenido bastante que ver. Pero a quién quieres engañar?

Y empieza la última fase, la más difícil de todas si eres una persona como yo: tragarte el orgullo y empezar a pedir perdón. Puede que sientas que no tienes la culpa, que no deberías pedir perdón porque esa persona te ha jodido la vida. Pero créeme, libera. Libera mucho pedir perdón a alguien tan importante porque probablemente, esa persona también esté jodida…

No sé. La verdad. La vida a veces te da un puñetazo en la boca y te quedas inmóvil y teniendo que gestionar lo que está pasando.

Creo que todo esto me lo debería tatuar porque todavía no he sabido hacerlo bien, por muchas experiencias y hostias que me haya llevado.

Una que es orgullosa, posesiva y probablemente inmadura hasta la médula, pero sigue teniendo personas tan maravillosas al lado que la aprecian por su forma de ser que mira… al final todo importa una mierda.

Cuida de los tuyos, de los buenos, los más cercanos porque los necesitas.

Y me voy, porque se me ha ido la pinza de una manera sideral. Too many drugs, muy poco espíritu, supongo.

Ciao.

[joansnape]

We caught a vibe.

[joansnape]

For you.

I wanna be your slave

Quiero ser tu esclava

I wanna be your master

Quiero ser tu ama

I wanna make your heart beat

Quiero hacer que tu corazón lata

Run like rollercoasters

Y vaya como una montaña rusa

I wanna be a good girl

Quiero ser una chica buena

I wanna be a gangster

Quiero ser una gangster

'Cause you can be the beauty

Porque tú puedes ser la bella

And I could be the monster

Y yo puedo ser el monstruo

I love you since this morning

Te quiero desde esta mañana

Not just for aesthetic

No solo por la estética

I wanna touch your body

Quiero tocar tu cuerpo

So fucking electric

Tan jodidamente eléctrico

I know you scared of me

Sé que me tienes miedo

You said that I'm too eccentric

Dijiste que soy demasiado excéntrica

I'm crying all my tears

Estoy soltando todas mis lágrimas

And that's fucking pathetic

Y eso es jodidamente patético

I wanna make you hungry

Quiero hacer que tengas hambre

Then I wanna feed ya

Luego quiero alimentarte

I wanna paint your face

Quiero pintar tu cara

Like you're my Mona Lisa

Como si fueras mi Mona Lisa

I wanna be a champion

Quiero ser una campeona

I wanna be a loser

Quiero ser una perdedora

I'll even be a clown

Incluso seré una payasa

Cause I just wanna amuse ya

Porque quiero divertirte

I wanna be your sex toy

Quiero ser tu juguete sexual

I wanna be your teacher

Quiero ser tu profesora

I wanna be your sin

Quiero ser tu pecado

I wanna be a preacher

Quiero ser una predicadora

I wanna make you love me

Quiero hacer que me quieras

Then I wanna leave ya

Luego quiero dejarte

'Cause baby I'm your David

Porque, cariño, soy tu David

And you're my Goliath

Y tú eres mi Goliat

Because I'm the devil

Porque soy el diablo

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a lawyer

Y soy una abogada

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a killer

Y soy una asesina

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I'm a motherfucking monster

Soy un puto monstruo

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a bad guy

Y soy una tía mala

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a blonde girl

Soy una chica rubia

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I'm a freak that

Soy una loca

Is searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I'm a motherfucking monster

Soy un puto monstruo

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I wanna be your slave

Quiero ser tu esclava

I wanna be your master

Quiero ser tu ama

I wanna make your heart beat

Quiero hacer que tu corazón lata

Run like rollercoasters

Y vaya como una montaña rusa

I wanna be a good girl

Quiero ser una chica buena

I wanna be a gangster

Quiero ser una gangster

'Cause you can be the beauty

Porque tú puedes ser la bella

And I could be the monster

Y yo puedo ser el monstruo

I wanna make you quiet

Quiero callarte

I wanna make you nervous

Quiero que te pongas nerviosa

I wanna set you free

Quiero liberarte

But I'm too fucking jealous

Pero soy jodidamente celosa

I wanna pull your strings

Quiero tirar de tus cuerdas

Like you're my telecaster

Como si fueras mi telecaster

And if you want to use me I could be your puppet

Y si quieres usarme, puedo ser tu marioneta

Because I'm the devil

Porque soy el diablo

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a lawyer

Y soy una abogada

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

And I'm a killer

Y soy una asesina

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I'm a motherfucking monster

Soy un puto monstruo

Who's searching for redemption

Que busca redención

I wanna be your slave

Quiero ser tu esclava

I wanna be your master

Quiero ser tu ama

[joansnape]

[joansnape]

Have I ever told you...? [#3]

Have I ever told you when I met my bae?

Let's focus: we are on 2011's summer, July. I was 18 yo.

Chiwiki's Pantano, aka "paradise".

I'd just split with my boyfriend Mike, in May. I really liked him, like, a friend. He was smart and funny, but nothing more, so I said to him that we should be friends. I think that we talked like 8 times that year, and byebye. Anyways.

I went to the Pantano in July, I think that the first weekend of July. You know, my father, Courtney, that sissy boy, Bruno, babyDamien and me. In a car, I don't understand how. We arrived to my favourite place in the world, my Pantano house. We entered our rooms (I used to share mine with B) and turned on our pc. Bruno was like 13 yo, he was into videogames and books, I remember that he brought an entire bag full of books, mistery books, crafts books... That morning, we played videogames on our pc and after have lunch, we started to set our pool and filled it. Then, we went for a ride. We walked by the woods and laughed hard. That afternoon, his friends arrived and I freed him, I went to the dam and I looked at the water while I smoke joints, alone. That night, I came back home and I lied with my brother.

Next week (we spent the first week swimming in our pool, nothing happened), my father said to me that he has to go with Courtney a few days out. My mind exploded with one word: "PARTY". So the same night, I started organizing everything. I remember that I made posters and I gave them to everyone. So, the party was pinned on July 9th, I believe it was saturday.

EVERYONE came, people from Chiwiki, from Spain, from everywhere. My house was about to blow.

*Hey Google, play “Blow" by Kesha*

Imagine, like 100 people dancing, doing drugs and alcohol in my familiar house, it was pretty awesome. I remember seeing people that I didn't talked with in my fucking entire life, people that I didn't even met. By that moment, I was dancing with Gwen, that arrived that afternoon, and we filled with weed, coke, vodka, jägger and a few pills.

And by the people, there she was. Talking to a friend (now I know that he was Kion), with a cup in her hand and a joint in the other. The first I thought when I saw her was "Who the fuck is that and why haven't I met her before?". I tried to call her attention in a thousand ways, I needed to know her. It didn't work, so I walked up to her and bumped into her and said "oh, sorry, hi". She answered "hi" while she laughed. I said her my name and she said hers to me, I asked "what?" bc I didn't understood it, and she repeated it to me. I repeated it for her and she said "yeah!". I spilled her cup, so I asked her what was she drinking and she said "jägger with lemon", so I brought to her another cup. I remember that she made a sign to Kion and he left, dancing like a clown. We talked, flirted and ended kissing in my pool. At 6 A.M, people started to leave and she told me that we should talk the next day, so I asked for her number and I remember I was literally shaking. She gave me her number and she left, after kissing me one last time.

Next day, I almost die trying to catch some service on my phone and when I could, I sent her a message that said: “Hey, I’m Joan. I hope you remember about me”. She answered fast: “how could I forget about you, despise the hungover xd”. I spent the next 2 days looking for her between the houses, by watching out everyone that stayed there, but I didn’t found her. So the 3rd day after, I sent her another text: “I cannot wait to see you again and kiss you. On the dam in 10 min? XO, Joan” and I went to the dam, quickly. I remember dress myself with a weed bikini and a top, and the first short-jeans I found. I remember too that Courtney asked me where I was going, and I remember that I said “you don’t care” and I left the house running

I was listening to “L’amour tousjours” in the moment I saw her coming to me, with a videocamera recording at herself and a guitar hanging on her back.

*Hey Google, play “L’amour tousjours" by Gigi D’Agostino*

I think that in that moment, watching her walking to me, laughing and explaining things to that camera, i fell in love with her. I only wanted to be with her all the time, listening to her, to her words and her laugh, ask for her life and knowing everything about her. I wanted to make her laugh, I wanted to hug her, to fuck her, to kiss her, to lie with her. Share everything in my life with her. Hearing how she played that guitar, show her how I played mine, asking her why was she recording herself… everything.

She arrived and smiled at me saying “hey”. I wave at her and asked her what the hell was she doing. She told me that she had a Youtube channel where she uploaded everything she did in her life, like in a videoblog or “vlog”, how she called it. Then, I asked if she played the guitar, and she said yes, and that she used to write some songs too. I ask her if she could show me some. We went to a more private place near the dam and she played a song that she was writing at that time, “Walk of Shame”. I died inside with her voice, so natural, so beautiful. Then, she said to me “do you play the guitar” and I said yes, I don’t know why, bc after that, I panicked. She offered me her guitar and I said no, but she insisted, so I played “I love Rock ’n Roll” by Joan Jett. Like 1 minute. Then I returned her guitar laughing and hiding my red face with my hair. After that, we went down, to the swamp shore and we sat there, watching at the water and talking about our lives. Then, we kissed again and made out for a while. Then, Gwen arrived with her “summer boyfriend” (?), I don’t know. But they brought some alcohol and weed, so we drank and smoke by there, and I couldn’t stop staring at her. I didn’t wanted to accept it, but I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

We hanged out the next days, we made love in my parents bedroom the same day they arrived, (phew.). We started dating officially on July 17th and we spent 2 months of relationship together on Pantano, happy and with a smile in my face 24/7. I know one video on particular on her youtube channel that I remember like if it was recorded yesterday.

But September came. Our relationship lasted 5 months, ‘till November.

Anyways, I'm not going to tell that shit, that’s the story about how I met my bae.

[joansnape]

JOJO RABBIT dir. Taika Waititi

[joansnape]

Calls for Justice for Aurora’s Violinist Elijah McClain Grow

Elijah McClain was a kind and gentle 23 year old who worked as a massage therapist in Aurora, CO. On his lunch breaks from work, Elijah would go to the animal shelters and play violin for the animals because he thought that they were lonely in their cages and thought that the music would calm them. 

In August 2019, Elijah went to the gas station to buy some iced tea for himself and his cousins. Because he suffered from anemia he would often wear a ski/ runner mask over his face to stay warm. On his way home, the Aurora Police department were called to reports of a “suspicious man.” 

(Warning: for violent description) Elijah was apprehended by a group of three cops, despite committing NO crime and being unarmed. A struggle occurred, and he was held in a very dangerous carotid hold around his neck while he cried for help, cried out that he couldn’t breathe, cried out that he was nonviolent and couldn’t even kill a fly, and was repeatedly throwing up. Elijah weighed a mere 140 pounds. You can hear on the audio footage, an officer instructing another to move their body camera out of view.

While 3 Aurora Police Dept officers violently restrained him they called Aurora Fire Dept, who injected him with ketamine (a powerful drug used to tranquilize horses or in surgeries by a trained anesthesiologist and illegal to be administered by anyone else) even though he was already cuffed and calm.

He went into cardiac arrest , slipped into a coma, and his family was advised to take him off life support 6 days later.

The cops were transferred to another department but never received charges. 

HERE’S HOW YOU CAN HELP:

DONATE 

Click this Link to call these Representatives and DEMAND JUSTICE!!

Especially call these numbers:

Call CO Governor Jared Polis (303) 866 2471

Call Aurora Mayor Mike Coffman (303) 739 7015

Call District Attorney Dave Young (303) 659 7720

Source / Police Video (Trigger warning) 

#WAKEUP

Follow here for more news

[joansnape]

𝕤𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥 𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖.

Middle of the road. It’s just a feeling of a distant melody I know.

I was doin’ fine, I minded my own business ‘till the day you took me home.

You came into my life like a sweet embrace, swept me off my feet and made me whole again. You came in my life, I wanna see your face. Never will I be the same again.

Well, I thought I knew what love was all about, a song that already have been sung. 

I was goin’ on, still minded my own business, never knew that life had just began.

You came into my life like a sweet embrace, swept me off my feet and made me whole again. You came in my life, I wanna see your face. Never will I be the same again.

I wanna see your face again, let me see your face again, I’m far from being satisfied yet. I have to see your face again, let me see your face again and take me to the place we first met.

You came into my life like a sweet embrace, swept me off my feet and made me whole again. You came in my life, I wanna see your face. Never will I be the same again.

[joansnape]

𝔰𝔥𝔢.

I was hollow. She filled me.

I was in pain. She was my medicine.

She fixed everything in my life, just popping around and saying “Hi, how you doin’?”

She was a beautiful and strange fresh air puff when my life was a complete disaster.

She arrived just at the moment when I needed her the most.

When she came, it took me like 5 minutes to realize.

She was the one. 

The one I’ve been expecting for years to came and save me. 

The one who I wanted to spent my last hours.

The one who I want to protect and save from anything or anyone.

The one who I would give my life for. 

Without her, my life would be over.

Without her, I would be lost. 

I love you with my entire heart and soul, babe.

And I love everything about you.

Your voice, your body, your hair, your mind, your hobbies, the way you have of do and make things, the way to create, the way you love, the way you touch me, the way you whisper to me, your way of loving me, of taking care of me, the way you put your arm around me each night, your face when you see a movie you love, a movie you hate, a movie you can’t take seriously, your gestures when you explain something, your face when you’re jealous with no reason or with a reason I would never give to you, the way you make me feel in bed like I was the only girl in the world, your energy.

And I love everything about us.

Our house, our home, our bed, our pets, our minimalism, our stuff, our way of loving us, of talk with each other, the way we argue, our way of holding hands, our way of kissing, of caress, of laugh, the way we hug each other when we are going to sleep, our love for the others, our love for each other. 

I would be totally unable of break your heart. 

I trust you, more than in anyone alive or dead. 

__

Estaba vacía. Ella me llenó.

Estaba sufriendo. Ella fue mi medicina.

Arregló todo en mi vida, simplemente apareciendo y diciendo “Hola! Como estás?”.

Fue una bocanada de aire fresco precioso y extraño cuando mi vida era un absoluto desastre.

Llegó justo en el momento en el que la necesitaba más.

Cuando llegó, me llevó 5 minutos darme cuenta.

Ella era Ella.

La que había estado esperando durante años para que viniera y me salvara.

Con la que quería pasar mis últimas horas.

A la que quería proteger y salvar de cualquier cosa o cualquiera.

Por la que daría mi vida.

Sin ella, mi vida estaría acabada.

Sin ella, estaría perdida.

Te quiero con todo mi corazón y alma, cariño.

Y adoro todo sobre ti.

Tu voz, tu cuerpo, tu pelo, tu mente, tus hobbies, la manera que tienes de hacer cosas, tu manera de crear, tu manera de querer, la manera que tienes de tocarme, de susurrarme, de darme palmadas en el culo, la manera que tienes de lamerme el cuello y volverme loca, tu manera de quererme, de cuidarme, la manera en la que pones el brazo alrededor mío por las noches, tu cara cuando ves una película que te encanta, una que odias, una que no te puedes tomar en serio, tus gestos cuando explicas algo, tu cara cuando te pones celosa sin motivo o con un motivo que yo nunca te daría, la manera que tienes de hacerme sentir en la cama, como si fuera la única mujer en el mundo, tu energía.

Y adoro todo sobre nosotras.

Nuestra casa, nuestro hogar, nuestra cama, nuestras mascotas, nuestro minimalismo, nuestras cosas, nuestra manera de querernos, de hablar la una con la otra, la manera en la que discutimos, nuestra manera de cogernos de la mano, nuestra manera de besarnos, de acariciarnos, de reír, la manera en la que nos abrazamos cuando vamos a dormir, nuestro amor por los demás, nuestro amor.

Sería totalmente incapaz de romper tu corazón.

Confío en ti, más que en nadie vivo o muerto.

[joansnape]

Everytime I see her smile, the way she breaks into laugh... I fell in love again.

[joansnape]

Alien (1979) Directed by Ridley Scott

[joansnape]

💛💛💛

[joansnape]

[joansnape]

[joansnape]