joanofarcwrites

[joanofarcwrites]

Clarence White (American,1871-1925)

The bubble, 1905

[joanofarcwrites]

[joanofarcwrites]

Photographed by Ola Rindal for for Stockholm Surfboard Club S/S 25

[joanofarcwrites]

Wednesday august 7th

how is is even the 7th of august already anyhow?!?!?!?!?!

this was a place to collect my writings when I was 19, on the precipice of a new decade, and now I come back, somewhat freshly 30. I've spent years in holes of my own doom after chasing empty dreams. when I think of myself as a child, and the grander I entertained, and thought I had rights too, and they were right there in my grasp. sometimes there is a desire to explain it all away, xy and zz this fairy tale monster siphoned off all my potential and for what, for mediocrity? for barely anything, no, no, what I was meant for I can still achieve, even tho it seems to be slipping through my fingers now, now I can see the sand, im not sure if that was ever true before.

here I come to pour my heart out, I feel I do that lots of places, but there is something cathartic about the click clack of the key strokes underneath my grubby little fingers, that are capable of so much.

it's ok to document your Ls maybe, like how you let the 38 year old man child fuck you again the last time you saw him and he could care bless if you're alive or fucking dead, or he's a virgo idk the point I know id that if he did like me, he wouldn't treat me this way, but maybe everything is on the back burner for him bc he's at school, but also he doesn't care, I think it's time to say goodbye to him perhaps

or maybe it could be about the space x guy you 1-0000% do not care about but somehow he managed to get under you skin by being one of the Mose kindest.. most caring,,,, and then dropping off the face of the fucking earth w/o explanation, and maybe he's only talking to you again with any regularity bc he wants to fuck you, and not in a passionate way, but in a good enough to get my rocks off way, they love to fuck little freaks

orrrr mmaaaayyybbbeeeeee it's the soon to be 36 year old virgo who tells you to your fucking face that he doesn't care about you, love bombed you, did cinematic things at the very beginning and then PREDICTABLY it all went to shit super fucking fast and he really is just fucking you, didn't get you anything for valentines day DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO SEE YOU ON VALENTINE'S DAY didn't get you anything for your birthday DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO SEE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and you don't love him, you don't see a future with him, it's just so painful to be in such close proximity to a void of intimacy, he makes me want to kill myself but actually I'm just gonna break up with him today.

[joanofarcwrites]

i dont think im going to be able to handle actually being 19 i havent figured anything out and i’m going to be 19 i still cry if someone says something i dont like still cant really order my own food in public at least i can drive but have trouble not lifting up my foot on the red lights cant tolerate people for very long cant make decisions cant commit to anything nothing nothing nothing i drink too much i sleep too much too groggy too selfish too fidgety too still too sad too happy too hungry not hungry enough i act like a  child and it’s not fun it;s not cute it;s not cute too mess up all the time i dont want to mess up all the time just wanna be a productive human being tired of being messy its not fun whoever tells you its fun they. are. lying. keep up a good sleeping schedule keep up healthy eating habits its ok to have a glass of wine but dont finish the bottle try to walk its ok dress in comfy clothes if thats what you want stay on the sidewalk and dont wander into the street because once u do its hard to get back on the sidewalk i just wanna get back on the sidewalk 

[joanofarcwrites]

dnt fuck with my delicate sensibility ok

[joanofarcwrites]

go thru a lot a phases. people phases thing phases like the moon maybe ?phases and tides and stuff like that constantly moving maybe or maybe just in an ever state of boredom „someone is su supposed to cure this? something? maybe not’,sure never sure dont trust people dont trust things only trust. that another phase is coming. yeah. yes o. k „ ok i figured it out everythingisgoingtobe ok

[joanofarcwrites]

I breathe in and my bottom lip feels like a bag loosing air I breathe out and my bottom lip feels like a million tentacles under a thin sheet of plastic U have been Warned

[joanofarcwrites]

keep me away from scissors and ur favorite belongings 

[joanofarcwrites]

my body feels tight from my chest to my tummy

every time i breathe in i feel like my throat is collapsing 

i’m not kidding don’t touch me i’m transforming and if you touch me i’m going to eat you 

[joanofarcwrites]

can;t wait to be burned at the stake, joan of arc died at 19 you know

[joanofarcwrites]

i never want anything i say to resonate with another person

im very greedy 

[joanofarcwrites]

being accused of naivete, i guess it’s true i can’t be taken anywhere new without gawking at the ceilings first. as if the ceiling was any indication of what things were really like 

[joanofarcwrites]

when I stare at a clock too long and it’s 6:58 and I genuinely think that in the next few moments its going to be 5 and I look back at the clock and it’s 7 it confuses me in the most uncomfortable way I don’t like it

[joanofarcwrites]

thursdays r always extra weird, always cry more on a thursday, always have to have dinner with dad on thursdays, these things aren’t related anymore, always sleepier on a thursday, more inclined to be irritated by 5 seconds more than there should be on a thursday, today i get to buy all the things for my pup but not my actual pup. well i mean he’s been purchased but i can’t have him yet. getting dog stuff but not the dog is the best example of a thursday 

[joanofarcwrites]

i bit all my nails off with my teeth and now anytime my hands brush up against me i scratch myself because i left jagged edges. i was trying to let them grow 

[joanofarcwrites]

i sing sad songs about missing someone to myself. i  miss myself