joannepauline

[joannepauline]

It smells like a heartbreak.

[joannepauline]

I was cryinh at ayala triangle earlier and tried to hurt myself, I can't believe how satisfying it was.

[joannepauline]

Oh God I just want to die. Fuck this. Take me.

[joannepauline]

Wala ka na talagang maasahan, nyeta.

[joannepauline]

I'm so sorry but it will rain tonight.

[joannepauline]

It is almost impossible to find a soul who's ready to embrace all of your flaws and chaos. So please, if you already found one, do everything that you can to keep and protect them.

[joannepauline]

Me: No, I can do this.

God: I know you can do that but my child, please do it with me.

[joannepauline]

"There's a war inside your head,

And pretentions of being someone

Became your comfort zone."

[joannepauline]

Buhay pa ba ako?

Pag mulat ng mga mata, alam 'kong umikot nanaman ang mundo. Gumising, naligo, nagbihis, alam 'kong isang araw nanaman ang haharapin 'ko. Naglakad, nakisalamuha, ngumiti, tapangan mo pa ng konti, matatapos din ang araw na 'to.

Sa totoo lang hindi 'ko alam kung saan ako patungo. Habang lumalayo ang nilalakad 'ko, mas lalo akong nalilito kung saan ako patungo. Dumadagdag ang mga araw sa buhay 'ko ngunit ang mga araw rin na 'to ang siyang umuubos sa buhay 'ko.

Bakit parang mali ang umasa na ang bagong umaga ay may sorpresa na dala? Dahil sa bawat pag-asa na aking ginagawa, binibigay ay kabiguan. Di na bale, sanay na ako sa ganyan.

Sinabi 'ko sa'yo na pagod na ako, sabi mo naman matulog ako ng maaga at magpahinga. Sinunod naman kita, pero bakit pag gising 'ko ng umaga ay pagod pa rin ako? Doon 'ko napagtanto na hindi ako pagod sa pisikal, ngunit sa mundo. Pagod na ako sa mundo.

Palagi nalang sumasagi sa isip 'ko na mas maigi na siguro na lisanin 'ko ang mundo. Baka sakali sa ganung paraan ay makapagpahinga na ako at mahanap 'ko na ang katahimikan na hinahanap 'ko. Pero hindi 'ko magawa dahil maniwala ka at sa hindi, kahit gaano ako pinapahirapan ng mundo, hindi 'ko kayang iwan ang mga nakapaligid dito.

Paano 'ko ba sasabihin sa'yo na ayoko ng reyalidad 'ko? Gustong-gusto 'ko nang takasan 'to dahil sakal na sakal na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako. Araw-araw akong umaasa, ngunit araw-araw ay para rin akong kandila, paupos, paubos.

Hindi 'ko masabi sa'yo 'to o kahit kanino dahil ayokong sabihin niyo na kung anu-ano nanaman ang sumasagi sa utak 'ko. Sinubukan 'kong wag mag isip at hayaan nalang ang daloy ng mundo, pero kahit anong gawin 'ko parang talo ako.

Bakit ba pilit pinapatay ang taong lumalaban? Bakit pilit sinasakal ang taong kumakawala? Ang mahirap pa dito, hindi 'ko nakikita kung ano ang kalaban 'ko.

Tulungan mo naman ako, hindi 'ko na alam paano iligtas yung sarili 'ko. Napakadilim dito, takot na takot na ako. Nilalason na ako. Nalulunod na ako. Nilalamon na ako. Naliligaw na ako. Napakagago, buhay ka pero unti-unti kang pinapatay.

Tulungan mo 'ko, kahit saglit lang gumawa tayo ng mundo kung saan masaya lang, kung saan pwedeng magpahinga, kung saan walang kumpetensiya, kung saan pwedeng magpakatotoo, kung saan may lugar ako.

Naniniwala ako na sa dulo ng lahat ng 'to may liwanag kaya pinipilit 'ko, kinakaya 'ko, lumalaban ako, pero hanggang kailan? Baka bago ako makarating ay ubos na ako.

[joannepauline]

Realizations upon entering adulthood.

1. Life will never be fair to everyone.

2. You can never validate your self-worth to others.

3. You should know what your priorities are because whirlwinds are always there to keep you distracted.

4. Choose things that will not just make you happy but will also teach you lessons because growth will not happen in happiness alone. Save your time and energy.

5. Go for things that you feel suits best for you, not for the people around you.

6. Be kind to everyone you meet. Be kind to yourself.

7. If you want to help someone grow, harsh words isn't necessary.

[joannepauline]

The more painful it gets, the more my soul craves for you. Oh Jesus, your sweet name alone gives me peace.

[joannepauline]

We often get sad about our lives because we always tend to look for more when something is given to us, instead of embracing and appreciating what is already there. That's how we lose opportunities, people, and moments. That's how we took everything for granted. Then wish for it to comeback when it's already gone.

[joannepauline]

via @extramadness

[joannepauline]

I badly want to seek for help

[joannepauline]

via @rupikaurpoems

[joannepauline]

“Perhaps if I make myself write I shall find out what is wrong with me.” - Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle (via the-book-diaries)

[joannepauline]

Why am I sad? When did I became this sad? Why out of nowhere, I felt so empty like really really empty. I suddenly felt so lost. Like the directions that I am following this whole damn time became blurry. I know that I am alive but I am barely living. What is this? This pain is so vague but the strange thing is that I can recognize it. In fact, I am used to it. Very used that I feel so numb to it anymore. Where did this came from? I don't know. Or maybe I knew? I know that I am not that strong but I pretended to be one for the longest time already because I believe that no one can tell the difference. Even in myself, I almost believe in it but I can feel that deep inside me, I am empty like a living skull walking. The thoughts in my mind are already consuming me yet I still chose to radiate the remaining goodness, positivity, because I believe that world needs more of it rather than me. Maybe this is the problem, I don't know my worth. I think too low of myself and I can't tell it to anybody. Cliché it is but I keep on telling anyone to fix themselves, be better, and be whole but that is my main struggle. Why is it so dark in here? Somebody help me, oh God help me.