jmykylam

[jmykylam]

Gratitude

I am grateful for my job that allows me to understand the world around me through the eyes of young children growing up in a world completely different than I did.

I am grateful for a funny, thoughtful, reflective and caring husband who shows me what love is in ways I did not recognize before.

I am grateful for self-awareness, and the ability to recognize the trauma I have experienced but the choice to set boundaries and take care of myself regardless of the expectations family had imposed onto me growing up.

I am grateful for the opportunity to shape young minds, and influence them in any way possible, while reflecting on my own journey and identity.

[jmykylam]

My evolving Ikigai ... changed yet the same.

From being a child which seems like not long ago, to entering and experiencing an 6 year career working with children.

Starting in early childhood education, and working in daycares - I've always loved working with young children. Their sense of innocence, and curiosity are so pure and the love and affection they show you is truly heartwarming.

I then graduated teachers college, and coming out of school - I worked in a tutoring centre as an Education Coordinator where I worked one on one with children and truly enjoyed seeing their growth academically.

At SHS, I worked with children from JK-Grade 8 in different roles. Being in a space where children can be creative, and learn more about themselves through art was a true blessing for me.

Now moving to a new space and organization, I've been feeling definitely more rested, and questioning my love and ability to work with just middle school. I see the primary students in the hallways and have a true feeling of emptiness that I cannot work with them. I think I still am learning how to connect with these girls and boys - it's only the first week so let's give it some more time!

Pros: Middle school is more manageable, schedule-wise, ability-wise and independence. My body thanks me especially during a time where my hormones are out of whack..

[jmykylam]

Radical Acceptance

The ability to truly understand and accept a circumstance you cannot change.

[jmykylam]

Ikigai

I K I G A I: A Japanese term that means "the reason to live" made up of iki for life and gai for reason.

In todays workshop with Ziyaan Virji. I was so inspired by his story of how he became a philanthropic entrepreneur at 15 years old with having had a lot of trouble with school. He saw the need for education around menstruation in women all over the world and has been able to help thousands of women with resources and supplies for their menstruation. I was able to talk a bit to him after and talk to him about my ideas for non-profit work aorund the mental health space.

Main takeaways:

Think big because if you don't, someone else will.

Everyone has self-doubt but you have to give it your all before giving up on your IKIGAI

The role of educators and adults are so important in the development of our future generations - we are shaping the minds of young minds to be capable, creative, compassionate, innovative and confident thinkers.

[jmykylam]

Communication and Relationships

Holy macaroni, what a weekend it was after celebrating Mario's birthday at Dave and Buster's. A couple of triggering moments ended up in a loud car ride home.

As I finish off my second year into marriage, I can say with confidence that I truly understand what long-time couples mean when they say that the key to a strong relationship is COMMUNICATION.

Now, the problem is, COMMUNICATION is such a big idea filled with so many specific "techniques" and "skills." The cool thing I think about a reflective and compassionate marriage is that we are constantly proving eachother wrong in moments of emotional outburst.

Key takeaways from this weekend:

Triggers are sometimes necessary to unveil a deeper issue within a relationship. Whether we choose to dig deeper and understand the other person is sometimes the determining factor of whether or not a relationship can last.

Having a deeper understanding of how childhood trauma shapes and conditions us to be who we are, allows us to see the world, our relationships and ourselves in a different way.

I feel as though without my understanding of childhood trauma, I can easily live "a lie" and build a relationship without the understanding that the people we've become was never completely in our control!

I am grateful for the connections I've made in the past, that led me to understanding childhood trauma. I am grateful for my husband who although a lot of the time comes across as clueless and unaware, is filled with kindness, patience, and compassion even through the things he was conditioned to believe and do. I am grateful for my never ending motivation to grow and better understand myself. I am grateful for a job that forces me to practice empathy, compassion, and connection.

NTS: In moments of challenge and dispute, dig deeper to understand the true issue behind what's going on. Take time to breathe and process before making rash decisions and TRUST YOURSELF, through and through.

[jmykylam]

It is one of the unexpected disasters of the modern age that our new unparalleled access to information has come at the price of our capacity to concentrate on anything much. The deep, immersive thinking which produced many of civilization's most important achievements has come under unprecedented assault. We are almost never far from a machine that guarantees us a mesmerizing and libidinous escape from reality. The feelings and thoughts which we have omitted to experience while looking at our screens are left to find their revenge in involuntary twitches and our ever-decreasing ability to fall asleep when we should.

Alain de Botton, Religion for Atheists: A Non-Believer's Guide to the Uses of Religion

[jmykylam]

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.

Harold J. Smith

[jmykylam]

Letting the feelings pass through me

"When I was a child Every single thing could blow my mind Soaking it all up for fun But now I only soak up wine"

As I get older I find myself finding escape and breaks from reality in ways that may not be so healthy for my body. It's so easy to pick up that glass of wine, or joint and make it a habit. I listened to this podcast recently of a woman who has been smoking marijuana since Grade 10. She is now in her 40s and has finally quit smoking after attending "marijuana's anonymous" and identifying as an addict. She was to the point where she could fully function at work high.

One thing that really hit me was when she said that she could now take walks, have a meal and watch a movie without being high and how fulfilling it is to know that she was ENOUGH, without the weed. To simply enjoy food, and company without the lifted experience. Don't get me wrong, a close friend of mine says "life is too ghetto to be sober all the time" and I agree. I just think in this moment and time, I need to practice the latter..

[jmykylam]

Dance

Dear Dance,

It's been a while since I've felt you and lived you the way I used to. After not dancing formally for 7 years I felt like it was too far long for me to get back into the scene again. I felt like I was too old to learn again, and to be quite frank I was just afraid to look stupid dancing. So silly right?

In January I decided to jump back in without those worries in mind. I met up with other dancers I haven't seen in a long time, and learned that it was not so uncommon to take a break from a hobby. I'm so happy I decided to come back, and grateful to have dance back in my life. More than that, I'm learning to do things because it makes me happy, and as long as it's not at the cost of anyone else's demise - that's all that should matter.

[jmykylam]

A spontaneous heart to heart

Today I had a meeting with a mom of 2 of my students. One son is in Grade 1 and the other is in Grade 2. Although the goal was to talk about how her son can prepare to apply out to a different school, and what the best fit might be- it slowly turned into a heart to heart between -wife, mother and career woman along with, me, -a new wife, hopefully mother one day and career woman.

From the short but meaningful 30 minute conversation, I learned more about being a mother, wife and woman. Sharing the talk from Andrew Reiner's conversation, and where the mental health of men and boys are and rather, have been. We spoke about the need for CONNECTION more and more, to combat depression, loneliness and toxic masculinity. What it feels like to mother and teacher in a day and age where technology is another factor of who your child becomes.

We also shared some perspectives on being a wife, and how it changes over time. I'm really thankful for the conversation and perspectives she shared, and thankful for the CONNECTION today.

[jmykylam]

Every time we use the bathroom, it's like our body's are naturally releasing, breathing and eliminating waste..

[jmykylam]

A post on marriage

In the past week I've been reflecting a lot on my marriage. One year in and I can honestly say, it's not what I expected but at the same time - everything I could ask for. Often times when we're in a bit of a pickle - and I'm also on my period I tend to want to throw in the towel.

Last week - as I was quite hormonal and Shane was in the midst of his 2K streaks. We got into a bit of a kurfuffle about how important it is for him to be there when I need him. During that conversation, my mind automatically goes to - "What if I wasn't married?" "What if I was with someone, who appreciated me more?"

I then expressed my needs and feelings to him and we talked about what he could work on. I recognize that I can work on finder kinder ways to express my needs and emotions in these moments. I also recognize that I am not the greatest at stepping back and looking at the bigger picture when I am faced with conflict in our relationship.

Shane's strength is being able to accept me for my flaws, and choose to continue working on them regardless of where we are at.

I watched a few videos of Jordan Peterson talking about marriage where he talks about the illusion of marriage. Sometimes we go into a marriage thinking that we are in it for the "happily ever after" a partner who loves and cherishes you, a partner who supports you and pats your back as you throw up over the toilet - or kills a bug for you at 3am. Dr. Peterson talks about how marriage is about having a sparring partner. It's about having someone who pushes you to be the better version of yourself.

Marriage forces us to SOLVE problems as we are bounded by a contract and force that doesn't allow us to easily run away or choose the path of least resistance. It forces us to look at ourselves in the midst of conflict and ask "is there something I could do better?" "is there something my partner needs to work on to be better?" "how can our relationship grow through this?".

After this week, I vow to not just lightly speak of divorce or choosing someone else in the midst of conflict. I vow to ask myself - why is this happening and how can we solve this together rather than why am I married?

Marriage is a blessing, and it's not every day that we can find another human who is willing to put up with everything you've got to dispose of along with everything you've got to offer. Of course, there are exceptions to this - but I don't think I'm nearly there yet.

[jmykylam]

Seasons of Life

After a long weekend of tears, laughter, food and family time - I'm so thankful for Reanne and Braden for coming back into town and the challenges that led up to this weekend.

I think a lot of the times when we are going through shit, we question "why me?" and thoughts of giving up on a relationship, a career or just being able to solve an issue. Especially when I'm on my period, I realized how harsh I can be, towards Shane and myself. Instead of thinking of the big picture, and stepping back to look at how far I've come, I realized that I tend to throw in the towel. Not so perseverant of me.. and I ask myself - why do kids get so frustrated and want to give up so easily? Because it's the path of least resistance!

I realized that just like my students, and children- we need people. We need people to tell us when we're being unreasonable, when we're not being aware of our limits and when we're just being plain dumb. Life is a balance of trusting ourselves, and our gut but being open to the perspectives of our loved ones to keep us in check.

Challenges and the shit that life throws us help us grow and truly experience what life has to offer. It gives us the opportunities to feel pain, doubt and tap into our strengths when we really need them. Without hardships, we would never be able to truly experience joy, accomplishment and gratitude.

[jmykylam]

Gratitude

In the midst of a beautiful start to the school year, just thought I would take a moment to stop and reflect on everything that's been happening around me.

Transition from summer break was definitely a challenge, but a natural obstacle I had to face at that.

Going to camp with the kiddos was exhausting but rewarding, invigorating and so special. It was interesting to see how important a role I played for a couple of days- some boys leaned on me and cried looking for the comfort of home. It was also so nice to see Shane with the kids, he's going to be an amazing father.

Visual Arts PD was inspiring, insightful and needed, to learn from other art's educators and to be able to have the PRIVILEGE of knowing how to appreciate art and have it as an outlet in my life is such a huge blessing.

Family. Wow, I don't know where to start other then to say, thank you Lord. Thank you for allowing me to experience and have these people in my life. I know that sometimes I forget to show gratitude and have a big picture perspective on things. The challenges, the arguments and everything we've been through has led me to a place where my parents are proud, and in awe of the accomplishments we've made as a family. I am eternally grateful.

Overall, I want to make sure that I continue to prioritize myself, my mental health and needs- because when I do this, I am able to show up as my best self for those around me.

[jmykylam]

Yesterday my sister and I dropped off some food at the Revivaltime Tabernacle church yesterday. My mom often brings home a plethora of baked goods from the bakery and Diana had come across this post on IG asking for food donations for refugee asylum seekers.

As we walked into the church, there were beds and linens laid out across the floors, and each room looked packed with refugees. As we were on our way out, we came across a leading organizer who helps these refugees find a place to stay. She asked if we could possibly drive 3 gentlemen - 2 from Ethiopia and 1 from Uganda to a shelter in Mississauga. We wanted to help.

The evening was eventful and ended in us dropping the 2 gentlemen off at a TTC station where they found their way to a different shelter - and us taking our new friend Roland OPio for a beer before he'd have to spend the night sleeping outside of a shelter waiting for a room.

We wanted to help as much as we could, while setting healthy boundaries. Bought him some food, tried to help him set up a tent and bought him a cellphone charger so he can find his way around.

I've been in contact with him since and have been trying my best to help connect him with the right people to find him a job. Meeting O Pio opened way for conversations with my mom this morning as we picked her brain about the refugee experience she went through with my father when they stepped foot into Canada.

I have so much work to do, but I am here at Boulder Parc trying to take care of my mental health while having the stories of Roland OPio in the back of my head, and really my heart. What can I do to help? What are my boundaries as I balance the priorities of my own life?

[jmykylam]

Reinhold Niebuhr’s poem:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

Reinhold Niebuhr (1926)