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[jmeetsc-blog]

Wandering Soul

I feel extremely sad, hurt and lonely right now, because I feel that you’re hiding a lot from me. You are doing things on your own and you do not share everything with me. You plan for yourself, for us and you do everything all by yourself. It saddens me that you don’t tell me everything and you keep them all to yourself. I AM HERE. It makes me feel like I don’t know everything about you. It makes me anxious, insecure and doubtful. I want to know everything, may they be dilemmas, worries, concerns or whatever. I want you to be open and vulnerable. I want to be a part of everything in your life. I want to be your everything. I’ve loved you because of who you are, who I am when I am with you and who we are together. However, I don’t have the slightest idea why it seems that everything’s not the same anymore. It seems that we aren’t the same persons we once were–you aren’t the same person I loved and I am not the same person you adored. I may be overthinking things right now, but thing is, I’m afraid and worried that everything wonderful about us would turn out to be mundane in the end or worse, horrendous. I am scared. I fear that we are losing spark and losing touch with each other. I fear that I and we would lose what we have, that I and we would lose everything about us and I’d lose you. I fear that the happiness and connection we had ever since would vanish for whatever cause. I don’t wanna lose this. I don’t wanna lose you. I love you. So much. That it hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do anymore. My mind’s getting out of control and I can’t really take it all at the moment. It’s been affecting me a lot recently and I’m having a hard time, really, to grasp and swallow everything. It consumes me, my thoughts and my emotions. I’m so lost and confused. Tell me everything. Tell me what’s happening. Share with me your plans. Involve me. Tell me honestly your feelings. Talk to me if you are tired or fed up or unhappy with me. Talk to me, so that I will understand…..

[jmeetsc-blog]

Star-crossed Lovers

It was raining cats and dogs one busy night in the city. Yet, people were not really bothered by the heavy rain. Everyone was doing their usual daily routines despite the fussy weather–commuters trodding along the sidewalks and pedestrian lanes, either from work or the mall, some hailing for cabs or noisily chatting with their companions, while others were dining in to eat or drink liquor to rejoice for Happy Thursday or to grab their fave frappuccino or hot coffee or tea to chill, to chat or simply to wait for the traffic to subside. I was one of the latter.

I was sitting alone silently at a corner outside of the coffeeshop, sipping from my usual choco fix and puffing on cigarettes one after the other. The rain has stopped, but the streets were still damp and slippery. It was nine in the evening and I bet traffic has died down, as passers-by were getting fewer, too. The night got tranquil, yet my mind was in a state of bewilderment, wandering every nook and cranny of my underlying thoughts, flooding me with obscure emotions. It was funny how my mind got me in a whirl just like that–baffled, fazed and perturbed all at the same time. It brought me to a place unknown. So far away. A sort of an escape. From everything and everyone. Chimera slowly filled up my mind. That very instant, my heart was beating a tad faster. That’s when I suddenly realized that I was beaming again with unrattled hope, still grasping on to its thin-like thread..

Slowly drifting back to reality, I let out a sigh. My mind that was so clouded awhile back, seemed to be convalescing from all the triggered trifle that has been lingering in it for quite some time. Minute after minute, things have started to be more lucid. Everything just happened to turn out so palpable and unfeigned. Not that it wasn’t before, but this has become so much more of like a positive confirmation and proclamation, an attestation of my wavering emotions, a dose of reality that hit me so hard on the head like a brick.

“Fuck, I sincerely do love you. Everything about you.” was all that I could murmur to myself. I mean, I am now very certain that I do, and the scary thing is, it does not simply halt there. It isn’t like just because of your aquiline nose, fair skin, lean physique nor your hot corporate attire everyday. This is an inexplicable gust of affection that transcends superficialities. It is way beyond the ventricular contractions or hyperventilation you caused everytime. There was something about you that piloted me to knowing you more, and to my astonishment, locked my interest as time flies; and you, prolly, saw that in me, too. I could sense myself trying to hide away my flushed cheeks and a smile in my face, as I kept myself busy, pondering on every minute facet.

Attempting to recapitulate how the cognizance transpired was not a struggle, because that very night when I was all alone in the coffeeshop, filled me up with montage of your images, of my images, so vivid, being put together and fitting so perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. In saying this, I could indistinctively remember how we got close. We are both wide readers and profound writers by heart. Damn, how often do you chance upon someone who freaking likes both, as much as I do? I mean, my favorite downtime hobbies in the whole wide world! That’s fucking something else! How often do you find someone who appears to be like a replica of yourself? Someone who also likes to mull over random thoughts and ideas? Pondering on some deep shit once every too often? Just about anything. Weird it may sound, but that’s who I am, and funny enough, I stumbled upon another weirdo just like that. Same sense of humor. Same line of thoughts. Same everything. To the extent that no words mandated, because a gaze or a smirk is all that it takes. Everything feels so natural. Freely flowing, that we can almost finish each other’s sentences or even say the exact fucking same thing in unison. We saw each other for who we really are, thus we can still be able to live with ourselves. Live with ourselves in a way that we can, as well, totally just show off our purest form–persona, values, beliefs and/or idealogies, without fear of rejection. It is like being with someone who is an another version of yourself. Well, I reckon that even from the onset, there has been that inimitable spark. We both know it has long been there. It has flown off to the height of it all and has been locked on its own, alternately raving and remaining in a half-dream. A connection that has ignited, burnt and consumed our innermost vested desires and interests. The more we try to put out the fiery spark, the more it flames up and razes ourselves. Who knew that not only hearts could be broken, even minds do. The mere attributes spike a jolt in my heart, running a chill down the spine. Phantasms that actually told me that it has always been you in my head whenever, wherever and whatever happens. Not a few moments after, trails of thought came crashing down at once, leading my mind to a trance-like state…

“It has always been you I have been wishing to be with for so long now, anywhere, anytime and in any way. Doing nothing or doing anything. In quietude or in loquacity.”

“You have been the first person that pops in my mind whenever I read, write, hear any lovesong, watch any kind of film, go to a place I haven’t been before and everything in between and beyond. It has always been you I wanna tell all the happenings that I encounter each and every day, share all my memories and create new ones with.”

“You have always been my constant go-to person when my heart is loaded with gaiety for whatever circumstance there is or when things get out of hand, things getting into my head and have me feeling so fucked up.”

“It has always been you who understands me, who can and would understand or at least tries to so. It has always seemed so easy for you to believe in me, my abilities and in the entirety of my being.”

“It has always been so easy for you to trust me with all of your heart and never to judge or see me so stupid and lowly if I do wrong. You see my human errors and weaknesses and you never use them against me, but instead, you fill the loopholes with your patience, guidance and assistance to make them right.”

“You have been the sole person who adapts and manages to love my quirkiness, my random thoughts, dreams, goals and ideas; my mood swings; my bitchy attitude; my constant naughty teasing and fuck-me-now look; my horny hormones and my amore for foreplay and sex; my insecure feeling-so-ugly-and-fat-as-fuck feeling; my innate snappy temperament; my relentless whining like a child, my making faces and rolling eyes; my iffiness; my weirdly hopeless romantic side; my routinary curious pin-you-on-the-wall questions; my I-won’t-stop-til-you-spill face; my insanely fleeting, almost-on-depression kind of breakdown; my pout with a series of babytalks; my nonsense rants; my ultra long messages or even the unintentional hurtful words I could tell you when I’m mad. I can never enumerate everything, but all that I know is that..”

“You have always accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. For who I am now and neither for who you want me to be nor for any expectation of who I can be someday.”

Suddenly, I was awakened from my reverie with my heart throbbing ever so loudly against my lacey black top. The thoughts were overwhelming as they exploded one by one in my head, one after another. Catching my breath, I tried to rethink how it happened, but words seemingly failed me. Words weren’t enough to speak for what just occured. Maybe, just maybe, it was solely my heart that did the gibberish talking. Laying down all my cards. No inhibitions, no reservations. Just the goddamn thing having a mind of its own.

The dark purplish silhouette of the nightsky continued to envelope above my head, as myriads of stars attempted to steal the limelight with their blaze. I gazed up at the firmament and the only audible word I have muttered was, “Why?” For so long, these questions have bugged the hell out of me, leaving me dumbstruck and exasperated everytime. Right now, the thoughts came running through my wits, haunting me all over again. I, hitherto, couldn’t mumble a thing, for all one knows, it is abstruse and esoteric in nature–the purpose of you walking into my life, of us meeting at this moment in time.. “Why now when everything’s too late?”,I uttered to myself, swigging my choco fix in a few gulps and abruptly looking at my watch. It was already past 10 pm.

As I got inside the cab I hailed, I could perceive the devastating numbness, anguish and desolation, the suppressed fury and regret, the tortuous longing and wanting, all together. I could feel a trouncing void in my heart. Chances are it’s true that when you stare at the abyss for too long, you get sucked in and never return. My case right here is one heck of an epitome for the supposition. I have fallen deeply in love with this person, and now I can neither unfriend nor unlove him. Neither can I forget nor pretend we never knew each other. I felt so vulnerable and impuissant, for my raw emotions eat me alive. What the fuck do you do when at a wrong time, you meet someone who is everything that you wanted? Do you fight or do you flee? Do you stay and wait around, or simply give up and let go?

If only parallel universe existed. If only we had met a few years back. If only things weren’t so complicated here and now. If only we could turn back time to fix our wrong choices in life.

Fate had its game well-played on us and maybe, just maybe, this is not the right time, still. Albeit you might actually be the right person, at this very moment, only time can tell. Our routes might have to sunder now this time, along with our own Personal Legends and new pursuits on the way, yet even if all else fails, I’d love to see you and meet you someday. Somewhere far away from everything and everyone. Somewhere in a coffeeshop, in a bar or in a chic resto uptown. Someday when all is well. You see, I’d look for you and I’d find you. In all possibly existing alternate universes and dimensions, in all conjectured worlds and lifetimes, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d still choose you.

[jmeetsc-blog]

The Bittersweet History of You and Me

We both sat silently at a corner outside the coffeeshop. Countless of stars over our heads, covering the dark purplish silhouette of the night sky. Our eyes wandering wildly, trying so hard not to meet each other's. Our eyes that once spoke of our love have become windows of our own sorrow. Windows of our own failure that we never embraced with acceptance. Minutes of deafening silence, our gaze still lingering on the blank space between us. As echoes of voices surround us, we both kept our cool, trying to pull our own selves altogether. The uncontrollable noise never fazed our silence, for our minds knew. Our minds both knew the exact thoughts that ran through our heads. Sipping from my straw, I never exactly knew what to think. I lit another cigarette and puffed heavily. My mind was in a whirl. Montage of memories keep flashing in my thoughts, playing relentlessly. Over and over. Until it could barely play on repeat anymore. Drained and lifeless. I lowered down my head, looking on the ground, still trying to compose myself. Until...you spoke. I never understood a thing that you said, for everything was gibberish. I was in a trance. Until you blurted eight words, "So, what, do you wanna try being friends?" My mind paused, my heartbeat seemed to stop. I was in a state of disbelief. I did not want to believe. I reverted and said, "Okay, we can try that." As those five words came out on their own, I was stuck in that moment. Never wanting to move, to go anywhere. Because I feel... that after that night, that must be the last time that I could lay my eyes on you, the last time that I could hold you close to my heart. I tried to smile. We were trying to act naturally towards the other. I tried to compose myself, when deep inside my heart, I could barely contain it anymore. Daggers slowly inching inside my heart. So slow that I could feel every pinch of pain, every pierce of that aching feeling being stabbed relentlessly through my heart. The slow pace made it more excruciating. I knew it would never be easy. We got up on our knees and walked away from where we sat. Trodding on our way a nearby restaurant, my hand was longing for your touch. It was longing to be held, to be squeezed, to be brushed against yours. "This is just the start of my misery.", I told myself. We reached the place. We ordered food, ate away and decided to have dessert in a nearby shop. We sat inside, while waiting for seats outside to be vacated. I was sipping from my drink, when you suddenly spoke in a low voice, "If you treated me more nicely, if you were less demanding...." His speech turned to slur. My mind once again started to wander and go to another dimension. I..couldn't..take...it..anymore.. He gave me a kiss on my shoulder and whispered, "How can I ever forget you if you attract me so much? You're perfect." I said nothing back. I plainly looked him in the eyes and tears started rolling down my cheeks. We stood up and walked towards the vacant chairs outside. You sat on the wooden chair across mine. I never felt my heart so heavy in my life. It felt so frail and helpless. I attempted for the last time to give out a fake smile, so that you won't feel as devastated. You struggled to move your hand in my direction. You leaned over to grip my hand, holding it ever so gently and tensely at the same time. You gazed through my eyes, as if you can read my mind. You spoke once again, words that I deemed to hear for the last time, "You're so beautiful. Teach me how do I unlove you." I stared back. I could not spill a word. I was powerless. My eyes started to well up with tears once again. "I love you so, so much, it hurts so bad.", I exclaimed to myself. To your astonishment, i whimpered and wailed in front of your very own eyes. It was a gush of emotions. Overwhelming. Desolating. Earth-shattering kind of sting and heartbreak. The kind that wounds and scars for an indefinite point in time. The kind that time alone is the sole remedy... You stood up hurriedly and cradle me on your chest. Brushing off the tears on my cheeks, you hushed me. You held me in your arms. Ever so warmly. My heart recognized the familiar warmth you carried in me. It felt for the last time the warmth that signals home. The same warmth that veiled me with comfort, that sealed me with security and assurance. Rigid enough to console me, yet not too tight to to express that you would never let go. Because you would. At that very moment, I knew..we both knew.. that it was the final fight.. and the final flight. It was the end of what seemed like our eternity. The disillusionment of the story we once created for ourselves. The shattering truth of failure that we both couldn't swallow. It was the last chance to clasp in each other's arms once again. The last chance in this lifetime.. In this world. In this version of reality.