jjxrian-blog

[jjxrian-blog]

junhoxjj

He wasn’t trying to be funny, he never attempted that, so with her chuckle he only felt weird, not used to cause any reaction similar to that. He was being honest, he was glad, but somehow it sounded like a joke and he wasn’t sure what to do with that. He had no passion for this club, he had never imagined himself doing this. He had wanted to be a doctor once, he had dreamed of saving people’s lives, yet he ended doing something completely different, the exact opposite of medicine. War, the army, he saw too many deaths, and it had killed his soul at the same time. “Not my case” Wasn’t it obvious?

Loud and crowded, two of the things he hated the most about this site. He liked the drinks, he liked the decoration, but the only way he would love to be in a place like this would be without the music, without the people. Maybe that’s why he likes coming to the club when it’s not opened yet, being those hours his favorite.  The alcohol was good, yes, he agreed, the alcohol numbed him enough to be able to survive.

“Why are you here?” She doesn’t look the party type girl, or maybe he’s just bad at identifying it. But she’s drinking alone, talking to a stranger, and it’s not the type of talks he has seen in action around. She didn’t look like the rest, and something about her was… odd. He wasn’t sure what, but it was like she didn’t fit what he was expecting from a girl being alone in a night club.

“as you’ve made abundantly clear” she says with some more humor in her tone. it seems that he does not tire of repeating that this is not where his heart lies. though she can sympathize. that is the way this world is. few pursue their hearts’ desire. for all that claim freedom, the world is the biggest dictator. fate is the biggest limiter of these liberties philosophers of ages have been claiming for human beings. it is personal, so she figures he may not answer. but if he is speaking of the topic, perhaps he would be willing to share the reasons behind his apparent disdain for this club. “why run it if you hate it?” is she looking for other’s reasoning? why does she do it when she hates it?

his own set of personal inquiries starts, so she feels less guilty about asking for his own. it is a give and take. he has asked as well, so it is her right to do the same. that is all humans are about. give and take. there are few that differ from this standard. “why do most people come? for the drinks, for the dancing.” it is not the honest answer, though maybe a stranger that knows nothing of her would be the confidant that she requires. is she willing to take the risk and divulge the truths that have been buried deep in her heart for years? the ones that no one close to her, as though those people exist, have heard? comfort in anonymity, she can understand the appeal of confession now.

another drink opens her mind a little more. “do you dance? if you do, you’d understand the appeal of coming to a place like this. it’s liberating.” she is practically masked. no one knows her, no one bothers her. no one recognizes, no one judges. if they do,she does not notice. it is different from the life she has known. perhaps as she does not understand his reasons, he would not understand hers.  

drink the night away

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxtaehwan

wake up

                                                      he knows better than to trust a patient’s diagnose. it’s not like he doesn’t believe her, but what she says could be far from what truly is. he doesn’t blame her, patients tend to minimize their accidents, and honestly taehwan doesn’t min. everyone deal with pain differently and if she wants to believe it’s not a big deal then he would play along.                                  

face the reality of the world

                                                      “how did this happen?” he needs the information before deciding how to act, but one look at it and he knows she won’t bleed to death or anything. he sighs, a little disappointed, but what else was he expecting? he’s an intern, after all, an interns don’t get exciting cases.

stop imagining other things

                                                      there are many ways a woman can get this wound, but he knows no matter how much he tries he will never guess. that’s the beauty of medicine, he guesses, there’s always something surprising even when the case is not exciting at all. it was up to him to find the fun in his work, and even when simple cases he tries to get exited.

your reality is only yours

the right question with the missing answer. of course she does not remember precisely how this happened. if she did, it would be a lot easier to assess whether this would be something serious. the thoughts are getting away from her. the concerns are getting far away from her. what if this is more serious than she thinks. it would be comforting to paint it as nothing big, but she has been wrong plenty of times. if this is one of those times, she is in for a world of torture. her mother’s words will truly torture her and she will hear no end. she does not want to reveal what she does, her mother does not care, nor will she want to hear it. 

it’s to be expected from the black sheep. it is hardly surprising that she would go get herself hurt in this way and have no memory of it. “i think it was glass. i was in the bar and i think that a bottle broke or something.” she wants to know what the doctor thinks now. she has given her prescription, her hopes. that it is not too bad. but her saying it won’t change the reality. if only her saying things could change the world. there were many things she would have said thus far. again mostly related to her own life, because rian was struggling enough to get by on her own without having to think of others and their problems. 

“is it bad?” it takes courage to ask these questions. courage to ask for the truth. this is not anything big. this requires no bravery on her part. it is but a small wound. there are many questions that she should have asked. many things she should have said. her life colored by cowardice, this is no great display of courage. it is simply a need for validation. affirmation that her suspicions are correct. a desperate need to put her worries to rest. others would not make such a big deal of this. neither would she, were there not someone in her life that would. yet for all the wrong reasons. 

&&— faultless

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxhyunseo

A small smile forms as she holds the other’s arm to help her stand up and walk out of the club before getting the other’s coat from the seat. It was a bit more difficult with another person as people had ways to crowd around them, thinking they were going by the dance floor to dance along with them. Holding Rian close to her, they make their way out of the crowded floor and they were finally in the clear near the exit. “There are so many people there. It’s almost suffocating.” She comments her thoughts out and then turns to her friend. “Here, put your coat on before we go out. It’s gotten colder since you’ve been there.” Her words calmly flow out of her. She is used to taking care of Rian when she was like this. It wasn’t bad, but Hyunseo wished it wouldn’t be this way as often as it was.

A shiver ran through her body as they both walked out of the club. The line was shorter than before and she guessed it was because it was too cold to hold out people like before. 

“So, what are you craving?” She continues to hold the other, arm lopped from her arm without thinking much of it. Even if she was like this, Hyunseo somehow still felt comfortable with her. Mostly because she knew enough that Rian wasn’t a terrible drunk. “There might be some food places open around here, if not we can get something from the convenience store.” It wasn’t the best option, but it was better than not feeding her friend at all.

this is known. this is common. it is comfortable. for rian it is a habit. she does not know the people that come. some are familiar faces, though she does not make a habit of noticing those around her. selfish and self absorbed as always. once a geum, always a geum. whether she got anything else from her family, this was one aspect that definitely proved she was indeed her mother’s daughter. she indeed was a geum. who else would be so thoughtlessly absorbed in themselves? a chuckle, humor that is only found in inebriation, passes from chapped lips. “it’s liberating to some.” crowds and loud noises drown out thoughts that are scary. drowned out voices can’t taunt. silenced voices can’t wound. but these are her secrets, unspoken. coat taken from the other, she gives her friend a big smile. 

“you take such good care of me when i’m like this. what did i do to deserve you?” it is a true wonder. what did she do? what did she do in her life that she deserved the good people that came? thoughts took a dangerous turn, one that she wished to run from. yet like a mouse in a circular maze, she ends where she starts. right back to the same shadows of her past. coat put on, they get outside and it is immediately sobering, though the good cheer does not disappear. with company, with alcohol, no one can erase the smile from her features. 

“anything junky?” she cannot often eat junk food, more out of habit than out of any conscious rejection of unhealthy options. “ramen?” she suggests since she does not remember the last time she has eaten ramen. “i know some places that are open 24/7.” most nights, meals are forgotten. most nights, she ends up home with no food in her system. yet the few times she remembers, she makes sure to know the places that will deliver. money is no problem. and there is nothing money can’t buy. except good sense and poise. otherwise i would have bought it for you years ago. her mother’s voice speaks some truth, some lies. 

&&— hide and seek

[jjxrian-blog]

hyunbinxjj

➻ there’s no way he can deny that statement, specially when he knows he’s nothing special himself, so he just nods, agreeing with a chuckle. he likes this, he likes being able to share simple moments with his friends. for a long time he was ashamed of who he was, of what he had, of what he didn’t, but with time, acceptance came, and now he’s not ashamed of his story, of his achievements. he has very little, but it has been earned with effort, and that is something that he’s proud of.

➻ “thank you, i appreciate your kindness”

➻ he suspects he could be questioned much more, so he takes it as a win that she is actually willing to let him off the hook. a soldier needs to pick his battles, right? and hyunbin thinks this is one he cannot really win, so he’s grateful.

➻ “they do look smaller but it’s pretty decent for someone with no cooking skills. now put them in that pot and turn the fire on. can you do that?”

➻ he’s used to cook for his sister so having someone around is not something new, but he’s not the best teacher. he does think she’s doing a good job, and perhaps cooking with him will help her cook at home, so whatever he can teach her today can be of use in the future. he likes to think he’s somehow being useful, so he thinks of another task to give her.

➻ “do you know how to make rice?”

if life gives, then it takes too. from the start, they are taught about give and take. the biggest lesson of all, and from birth they are all given the biggest loan of all. the loan of life. everything is owed to her parents. her mother would never fail to remind her that it was her luck she was born into such a family. it would never be said in so many words, but it is her luck they even bothered to continue to raise her. what did she give them? nothing. it was only them giving. rian did nothing but take. take take take, draining them while doing nothing to rejuvenate the life she sucked out of them. the mindset given to her, it is hard to shake now. the framework under which she is surviving, it is impossible to leave behind. “so formal. you’re welcome.” 

her eyes watch the potatoes for a few seconds more. she has just done this. she has managed to peel something for the first time. should she be proud of this accomplishment? should she be happy that she took a step towards behaving as an adult? for most this is no big deal. for someone like him this would be nothing. and she feels that it is the right way to react. it is nothing. a different form of life, but nothing that she ought to be proud of. yet her eyes do not leave the potato, wondering if her life had been different, if she would find more meaningful success? she has never been proud in her life, and now she is pathetically thinking of being happy with something so small. maybe if her life was like his, she would find more meaningful achievements. “sure, now that i’ve stepped into the kitchen, might as well try it all right?” 

she moves to leave the potatoes in the pot, and turns the fire on. she can do this much. however she does not know how to do much else in this realm. if broken down, there is only one thing she knows how to do well. dance. that is the only skill she has. how does that benefit anyone? it doesn’t. simple. you’ve never done anything worth while. useless. “huh?” out of her thoughts, his voice doesn’t register with her immediately. “oh, rice? no, i eat take out most days. the rice comes with it.” 

family dinner

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxsunhee

Sunhee couldn’t help but laugh at her suggestion, imagining herself taking classes there. “Do you hate the teachers in there? Because you would be giving them the hardest time with me as a student. Sadly, my coordination is just non existent. My brain can’t connect to my legs too fast, that’s why I’m always tripping and falling” She explained to her, a condition she had already accepted and embraced as her own. She couldn’t move elegantly like her mother, she could not dance like a kpop idol, she was truly not good at many, many things.

“Oh it’s the Jeju Station, you’ll love it. I mean, it’s not as fancy as SBS; and the productions cannot be compared to the ones from Seoul, but it’s fun and keep you updated to everything related to Jeju. I am always looking for new content so if you ever have a suggestion or want anything to be featured in the news, you should let me know” She told her excited. After all, Sunhee loves her work. It could be perhaps, the only thing she’s good at.

dance is not for everyone. she knows well. there are many things not meant for her as well. listing would be redundant. it would be killing the dead man and that is not what she intends to do. acceptance. it is difficult but she has managed it. no, that is the wrong word. resignation. acceptance implies choice. resignation implies compulsion. she is in the latter. she has no choice but to comply. alternatives to acceptance don’t exist and in those cases, she has not accepted, she has resigned. she has bowed. a laugh to cover the darkness of her thoughts. the constant rain cloud that hangs. “i’m sure there is some dance you can do. what about the waltz or ballroom? surely you had to learn that given our backgrounds.” 

“fancy isn’t always better. it sounds like a great place for you.” the island has taught her this. she has come in the past. it is hardly the first time she is stepping foot here. the last year has been different though. she is here alone. for her parents it is exile. for her it is exhilarating. she is used to solitude but being alone in such a place is better than somewhere else. it is beautiful and simple. the people are kinder and there are few that know her past. perhaps it is the same sort of freedom that sunhee had come to find. while she has found it, rian has not. but she has managed to get a small taste. “i hardly know anything newsworthy. but if i think of something, i’ll let you know.”

&&— sentiments

[jjxrian-blog]

@infinitblaq

[jjxrian-blog]

junhoxjj

Another nod, another drink. He was not using his position to impress anyone around him, and to be honest, he was glad she wasn’t paying him much attention. He had gone through awkward moments with girls believing that because he was the boss they had to be friendly and flirty with him and he honestly didn’t understand it. Yes, he owned the club, but wasn’t it obvious that he wasn’t a party boy? Something the lady by his side obviously noted, since she pointed out he didn’t look like the type at all.

“Thank God for that” He was bitter and the alcohol was already making him talk a little more. In any other occasion he would have kept those words to himself, and maybe she wouldn’t notice but to Junho saying those four words was already too much. He sighed, finishing his drink and unsure if he should request one more. But the bartender was doing exactly what he had asked and now a new glass was standing in front of him.

He turned around and looked at her, somehow suspecting there was some irony in her words but not having enough reasons to think she was actually saying those words seriously or not. “Why do you think that?” He decided to ask. If she was serious this could be like a client’s survey, and if she was going to be sarcastic maybe he could get a glimpse of this place with the eyes of someone who didn’t like it.

a soft chuckle passes her lips. thank god for that. every single motion, every single statement laced with such disdain for what he did. yet there he was, in his own club drinking his own liquor. it was intriguing to say the least, yet not her place to ask. it was curious why someone who hated this job so much stayed. “most start businesses because of their passion for what they are doing.” though she is one to speak. she has always only acted in ways she hated. she has only ever behaved in ways she disdained. every action in her life thus far has been far from her choice, far from proud. so who was she to make any comments? 

“it’s loud. it’s crowded.” her simple answer. it has everything she needs. she needs the noise to drown out the voices in her head. they allow her to forget everything and just focus on the music. the noise allows her to not have to think at all. the alcohol aids in that but sometimes it is worse to be drunk and quiet. leaving herself alone with too much silence and too much alcohol is a deadly combination. she has learned better. so all her drinking is contained only to this one place in town. 

for the crowd. she needs them too. most come alone to places like this. he is an example. even as a boss he is sitting alone at the bar speaking with a stranger. there is an odd comfort in finding more like her. surely they do not reflect the same difficulties that she does, but somewhere or another, they all have them. they all are there alone and drinking for one reason or another. no one that comes to this place regularly does so out of a healthy desire for fun. there is always something more. that common thread calms her. she holds her drink and tilts it towards him as her gaze turns once more to the stranger. “and the alcohol is good.”

drink the night away

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxhyunseo

To Hyunseo, the question felt as if it was the last question of a test that had only one right answer out of all of the failed options. Easily she could have said, ‘I want to go home,’ not because she didn’t like to have fun, but because the state her friend was in didn’t please Hyunseo one bit. There was nothing more Hyunseo hates than someone in a state of intoxication. Also, their definition of fun was different from what she had gathered after the countless times of being here in the same situation. She preferred reading at home, exercising, looking for new recipies to make- heck, she’d consider gardening with Hwijae fun compared to wasting away in a club.

When she looks at her friend, she couldn’t help but feel upset. She never bothered to ask why she always drunk. It’s something that wasn’t easy for Hyunseo to bring up, especially when their relationship grew over these situations. It’s just a moment they were already far from and bringing it up so suddenly could possibly hurt their bond… Hyunseo doesn’t want that.

“We– Have you eaten anything? We can get some food and eat outside, get some fresh air? I bet you’re parched from the alcohol and dancing.”

this is far the state she wishes to show the world. if she could she would want to be stronger. she wishes she was. strong enough to not need the buzz of alcohol. the tantalizing comfort it provides. she wishes she is strong enough to resist its call. yet it soothes in a way that no other can. it allows her to forget as she is in no place to share. as she has no one to share. her past is layered, her past is troubled. the guilt eats away and she cannot share the truth. it is forbidden after all. for years she has learned to cope on her own. the only faithful companion being the poison that will perhaps one day claim her life early. 

food. when did she last eat? rian should keep track but she does not. it hurts her body, but hasn’t it always. this is the pattern she is all too familiar with. starting back in the states, it continues well into her present. she is an adult only for name. only for the world. how to take care of herself is not a skill she has gained. but she is grateful for the reminder. a smile spreads and she nods. “yes, that’s a great idea! i’m starving.” what should be said, and she will agree to anything the other wants that night. she is grateful for the company. she is forcing it but what can she say? she is selfish in many ways. 

&&— hide and seek

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxdai

this is how magic happens, with a simple twist of voluntary body and a predictable change in the tempo of the familiar music. the nerves of your body unwittingly follow one of the oldest stories in the world, one that carries your mind to another dimension and your mind can only focus on the beauty of the melody, unconsciously following the rhythm of this well known procedure, touching your soul and tempting your heart for more. there’s always a next time, even while living in the present, but next time is never enough either. that’s when the next time becomes to many other times after that one.

dancing is an addicting and it’s so much more than a routine unconsciously created by your wish of something more.

something substantial. something meaningful.

dancing is a lifestyle.

dancing is dreaming awake and freeing your soul from being trapped inside of your body.

( ‘ but dancing isn’t everything ‘ his words always haunt him )

the fluidity of his moves come from how many times he practiced his choreography, one that needed to match his partner even when they didn’t know each other’s identities. the consequences of his choreography’s choice can be troublesome for both them exactly because of this, steps misunderstood and moves slower than others. everything has the potential of ruining the performance.

dai’s conscious isn’t even focused on mistakes or misunderstandings, only lost in the magic of the melody and with the familiarity of the choreography. unlike so many times before, there isn’t a reflection of his moves on the mirror, something that he always had difficult in not seeing because the mirror always reflects what’s inside of his soul during these moments. the music smoothly reaches the most important moment of the choreography. this is the climax of the moves. step by step, he walks closer to the middle of the room. the other person is closer than before. this is something dai can say because the presence is there, right beside him. reaching forward, his hand crawls from the curve of the dancer’s neck to the shoulder, but it doesn’t stay there for long. dai’s steps bring him backwards, his hand swiftly moving along the person’s arm to reach for the hand.

it is her salvation. it is her downfall. this art form is her all. an ironic relationship she has. every other person in her life, every other relationship has burdened her. every other person, she speaks as though there are many, has ensnared her some way or another. there has always been shackles around her wrists. they have kept her from doing as she wishes. and these are kept tight by her parents, by her brothers, by her friends. perhaps in some way by herself as well. perhaps rian is her own worst enemy. the enemy within that destroys herself before others can. it is possible. but dance was meant to be her freedom. her refuge. 

it too traps her. it traps her in the memories. the presence is not known to her as the music traps her in its own way. she is but a servant that follows its orders, dancing to its tunes in a way that is impossible to understand. a way that only she can connect to. she pays heed to the presence beside her, making sure to not interrupt their experience. who the dancer is, she does not know. but each experiences the music, the dance, the art, in a different way. she feels it. she breathes it. they all do. these are supposedly the ones that understand her. in one aspect. yet her cage in the form of a painful love for this form cannot be explained. too many wounds that have not yet fully closed threaten being opened if she does.

the music grows, she moves. closer, closer. the other’s hands can be felt and she anticipates the move. she mirrors it but the motion lasts for no more than a few seconds as the hand vacates its place on her shoulder, hers does as well. and she cannot predict where the others’ hand might be, the blindfold keeping her from seeing. but face forward, she reaches. contact is made again for no more than a few seconds. then she is back in her own world. they are moving in unison and yet disparately. a beauty that transcends as they work alone yet together to present.  

— blindfolded. ❞

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxtaehwan

lie to them don’t let them know

                                                   there’s nothing that makes him feel the same anymore, nothing too exciting, no emotion that gives him the relief the pills can give. everything is pale, the bright colors only show up under medication, the seconds are not exciting, time just passes, his existence is like a void, one that he can only fill in one way.  a dangerous one, one that took him to the edge, one that makes him want to fall every second. 

they won’t see what you don’t show

                                                    but he’s in control this time, he is aware that his will is stronger, he convinces himself that it’s worth to stay clean. he works hard, every day, he distracts himself with patients, he uses other people’s pain to forget about his own. his scars are the only evidence of his past, his legs move and he walks without a hint of the pain he feels, his struggles are kept for himself, there’s no way he will let anyone see.

the darkness around you can be hidden

                                                    his next patient is asked to walk into his box, he’s sitting there as he reads her file. it’s not something urgent but it will distract him enough time. he would like a surgery, an emergency, he should feel ashamed for wanting someone’s disgrace just to kill some time, but he can’t help it and he truly doesn’t mind. what are values for when you don’t care for others, what should he worry when the only person he cares about is himself

someone else’s light cannot lit you up

                                                    “hello, i’m doctor ahn taehwan, please take a seat and let me look at your arm”

few are there alone. it is the first observation she makes in the waiting room. a pathetic thing she is, an equally pathetic thing to notice. her life colored with solitude drives her to always seek out companionship. if not for herself, at least in the form of others. examples of what families are to truly be. she did not need to leave the house to know. she was not innocent or ignorant to the mistreatment when she was a child. she knew. she was different. her brothers were one, her parents were one, she was one. she was alone. they were united. to this day that truth remains ingrained in each thought, each breath. 

she hates hospitals. she has usually woken up alone in them. a few times friends there by her side, she learned the drill a while ago. everything all filled out she waits. she does not know how long but the longer the better. less reason to go home. to go to her house. though when has fate been kind to her. parallel with the previous thought, the nurse informs her that there is someone to attend to her. a simple smile she stands. moving where she is directed, she bows politely to the doctor who will be treating her, following his instructions. 

“i don’t think it’s too deep.” she says. or maybe the word is hopes. the last thing rian needs is a scar. her mother’s words already scare her. they echo in her head, no way to hide her doings. so long as she does not ruin her mother’s plans, the woman could not care less of what she does. however when she scolded even a young child for scars, her cruelty has grown far worse with age. so the word is certainly hopes. like with many things in her life, all she can do is that. 

&&— faultless

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxhwijae

He does not have the habit to check the weather in the morning. Many times it has made his life very difficult because he finds that he should have predicted and anticipated for something that he didn’t. Most of the time it was rain but other times it was simply that the day was hotter or colder than he would have predicted. And apparently his body is very sensitive to those small changes in temperatures. It is far from impossible that just a little rain or a little cold will get him sick. Even knowing this, Hwijae does not bother to check. It is not a habit for him so he does not do it. And the willpower to hold out for two weeks to form the habit he also does not have. 

The sky told him however that there was something coming that day. He didn’t notice it right away. He is in his shop just working, losing track of time as the music fills the shop since no one seems to be coming it. Technically they are closed but Hwijae doesn’t remember if he locked the door of the place or not. Probably not and if anyone does enter, if he’s there he might as well take the order. That day he is feeling like working a little more than usual. He listens to whatever his heart tells him so if it wants to stay late and fiddle with flowers for a little longer that day, then so be it. Who is he to deny his heart what it wants? 

The door however does open. The patter is heard outside and he can see the woman has been caught in the rain. “Yes!” He says randomly because his prediction for the first time was right. “And I didn’t even need a forecast.” He exclaims to himself, all too proud of his achievement of just being able to infer rain from very obvious rain clouds.Realizing that he has a customer or maybe just someone looking for shelter from the rain he smiles. “Welcome. Can I help you or are you just running from the rain?” It is fine to him either way. He would do the same. “See if it’s the first I’ll act like an employee but if it’s the second then I’ll act like a host. So do you want an employee or a host?” 

she has no reason to be a planner. she is a puppet that dances. a robot that executes. no free will, simply orders to be followed. for years she has been living out her exile, once in the states, now in this island. waiting. and more waiting. orders will come. she will be sold off to the highest bidder to become their slave. again the cycle continues. she will wait. they will order. she will execute. what is the purpose of a plan in such a life? pointless. she thinks of herself as her own queen in this state of inebriation. no rules, no orders. her will alone dictates her. 

a laugh. it is at her own thoughts. because she knows as well as any other that she is but fooling herself. actions are far from free when influence as strong as that exerted on her is in play. environment shapes people and hers has molded her. rian can never be a free agent so long as the influence of her past rides on her shoulders. and it does. it hovers and orders, even without the presence of her authoritarian figures. drunk or not, she does not step out of line. she knows her boundaries and dares not test them. eyes gaze at the face of a man. he speaks and it takes her a moment to process all he says. too many words for her. confusion passes over her features at his exclamation, unsure of what he was speaking of.

ironically he asks for her choice. ironically he asks for her wants. does she want an employee or a host? such a simple choice. such a seemingly innocent decision and yet to a person that has so few, it is so valuable. “what does a host do differently from an employee?” she asks, eyes scanning the various flowers wondering if she ought to buy something. for the sake of not being rude. she is using this store for shelter. it is the least she could, the least she should do. though she knows not a thing about flowers. 

&&— flower shower

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxsunhee

Sunhee really liked having a reminder of her old life, the one she had willingly gave up when she decided to move out. Sometimes she would wish to go back, she would think of her father and miss him terribly, sometimes she would simply hate not having enough money and would want to go back to her credit card, to her shopping trips, to her luxurious life. But she was better off this way, she reminded her, she was making her own choices, she had her own freedom, something she could never experience back in Seoul.

“Awesome! I am a terrible dancer but I live seeing people move with so much elegance, whatever style people dance, it’s like music just flows through their bodies. I wish I could be the same” She confessed, although dancing had never been a goal for her it was something she would like to try. “I am working as a producer for the news channel. It’s nothing as fancy as SBS but it’s fun. The news are more focused in Jeju and it’s nice to get to know new people”

each moment is her reminder. there is no escape. no refuge she can seek. no asylum to shield her from her past, from her background for as long as she wishes. how is it possible that the woman before her as not been found yet? resources plentiful, surely her parents would have been looking for her. if what she said is true. they didn’t know she was here. rian is not to tell anyone. it seems unlikely they don’t know but maybe others are smarter than rian. no, not perhaps. they are. they are not cowards. they do not fear losing what they hate. she is a coward that is unable to leave even if she wants. the cage door could be left open and she still would not fly out. hats off to her parents for grooming her with such fear she is unable to act out of line even given a chance. 

“they teach dance there. no harm in trying. if you want i can introduce you to a few teachers i know who are really good.” an offer to an old friend. she has always gotten the sense that sunhee is among the nicer of those in their circles. among the more honest. what she says is what she means. not like rian. not like the geums. not like the majority. perhaps this is the reason she left. the reason she was able to go. “what channel? i’ll be sure to watch.” smile adorns her features as she takes a sip of the coffee that was all but forgotten in the surprise reunion. 

&&— sentiments

[jjxrian-blog]

hyunbinxjj

➻ he doesn’t know rian well enough to try to guess what is going through her mind, but she’s someone that makes him enjoy their time together and for that he’s really grateful. he respects her privacy so he doesn’t ask more than she’s willing to share, but he somehow expects she will open one day, maybe he will get to know her better.

➻ “i guess they are not exactly the same red, but i’m not sure there are more than just… three shades of red. but you girls always know more about that, i guess i’m just the typical simple man, you know?”

➻ he chuckles at her question, moving quickly since he knows she doesn’t feel comfortable in the kitchen. perhaps he should let her just watch and do the work himself, and he has to admit he’s a little worried that she will cut herself. he shakes his head, deciding to save himself before he says something he regrets.

➻ “you’re hurting me, i enjoy your company and i’m very glad to have you here, but here you are, accusing me of tricking you into believe something is not true. i just want to teach you and have your company here more often. i don’t have much time to be social so maybe this is my way of not being alone so much”

she is private. always has been always will be. feelings are not meant to be shared. life taught her that. family taught her that. feelings are weakness and there are few that care to listen anyways. five years young, she falls. no one is there to help her get up. she learns at that moment that in this world, in her world, she can only rely on herself. she wants support. she wants a system, a family, a pillar to lean on. fate has other ideas for the dancer. with difficulty she stands, choosing to never fall again. fate strikes once more, throwing her to her knees. this time she has still not fully gotten up. alcohol helps her in those moments when she finds herself on the ground. “guess it’s true what they say. at the end of the day, all men are the same.” 

this is one thing she can help with though. dance and fashion. ask about these and she can courageously step forward. her strengths are limited but powerful. she is confident and strong in these abilities of hers. control of her body, control of her closet. her mind has a life of its own so intellect has never been her strong suit. never a point of pride. the experience in the kitchen is not all too bad. she has yet to cause a massive accident. win in her book. rian observes the far smoother motion with which he works. confidence. her’s is on the floor, his is in a kitchen? perhaps not. perhaps there is another arena that he shines, one she simply is unaware of. 

a laugh to cover the way his words hit her. this is my way of not being alone so much. it stuns, it shocks. words taken right out of her heart and spoken through his lips. she agrees. this is her way of not being so alone. forcing her company on others, doing tasks that are far out of her comfort zone. all for the sake of a few words of conversation, a few moments of social interaction. life will not always allow this. she must store moments while she can. “excuses. but since you were so eloquent, i’ll let you off. look i’m done with the potatoes. though they look significantly smaller than what you gave me.” she notes sheepishly, gazing at the vegetable she peeled.  

family dinner

[jjxrian-blog]

[jjxrian-blog]

&&— faultless

@jjxtaehwan

she is not a forgetful drunk. life is not so kind. if only she could forget. maybe amnesia will make life easier. yet her fate has no such turn. at least it does not seem so. instead all she has is a headache and a very sobering pain. how did the wound appear? she does not know. not because she forgot. simply because she was not aware of when it happened. how it happened. rian’s sense of herself lacks. while dancing she is very self aware, yet in life, she knows nothing. the alcohol has taken control of her sense and with a crowd, she cannot be sure how this came to be. 

er. she hates hospitals. she hates the smell, the lights. they remind her of her past. they remind her of death. the one she cannot find yet the one that found her. that took from her one person that she cared for. that cared for her. lies. it was not death. it was her own parents. it was her own weakness. she is the culprit. she is the murderer of her own happiness. a coward through and through blames others. and she blames others. 

wait. there are others with more serious needs than hers. there are always. in childhood it was her family. in school it was friends. in the states it was her troupe. now it is the others in the emergency room. she is accustomed to the wait. her priority is never first. and it shouldn’t be either. her cut is hardly life threatening. though her mother will not be pleased with a scar on her arm. more flawed than you already are. as if it isn’t hard enough to get you married off as it is. compress against the wound, she follows instructions. she waits. 

[jjxrian-blog]

jjxhyunseo

Hyunseo had a hard time understanding people who drank. It would be a lie to state she never tried alcohol in her entire life, but she remembers the taste being disgusting and bland. She couldn’t find that pleasure others seem to find in it. Where was the fun in waking up feeling like complete trash the next day? 

She stood close to Rian’s side, watching people dancing on the dance floor with bottles in hand, not really paying attention to their partner. There was a couple over there pushing each other before being pulled off from one of the security guards in the club. For a simple pump on the shoulder, a fight was about to erupt. And here Hyunseo thought sober people were bad enough.

Hyunseo turned her attention to her friend when she began to speak, her smile slowly fading the more the other spoke. It wasn’t like she wasn’t expecting it, but a big part of her wasn’t expecting it. Maybe just once Rian could have agreed. Hyunseo was tired. But as she looked at her friend… it seemed wrong to turn her down. 

The small smile became permanent on her lips and she nodded slightly. “I guess we can do something for a bit.” Hyunseo grasps her forearm as she stands there, looking around nervously. As much as she visited there and stayed there more than she wished, it still felt strange. Like she didn’t belong. She didn’t belong. This wasn’t her scene and with one look at her appearance, anyone would agree.

“Do we have to do something here though��?”

she is giddy. absolutely on cloud nine. it has nothing to do with happiness. it is artificial. fabricated by her mind to at least allow her some strain of pleasure during her lifetime. a hoax played on her by her brain. and like a child that ignores reality she accepts it. she goes along for the ride the buzz gives her rather than stopping. why stop something pleasurable? why stop something that makes her happy? why stop the only thing that makes her happy? for her this is liberation, this is freedom. this is bliss that waking life deprives of her. 

grip on her arm, she looks at the fingers that hold her. she is the one drunk yet it is funny to her that someone else is using her for support. though it is her friend. is it for protection? her question makes her wonder. does the place make the woman uncomfortable? the last thing rian wishes is to make the few friends she has experience discomfort as a result of her choices. she is used to pushing her wishes on others. the fact that she is asking her to stay rather than just letting her take her home a prime example. her wishes above all. like the selfish creature you are. always taking, never giving. you took our respect too. mother’s voice reminding her of her place. 

“no.” the alcohol is in her system. she does not need more. she prefers company to solitude in this state. she prefers interaction to intoxication. so she will choose hyunseo’s time over more dancing. “we can go somewhere else. do anything you want. what do you want to do hyunseo-yah?” perhaps there are preferences. she is being seemingly giving. seemingly kind. but it is her own way to ensure the other stays with her. leave the choice to her so she will stay. jacket in hand, tab paid, she is ready to leave at any moment, smile unfaltering on flushed features.  

&&— hide and seek

[jjxrian-blog]

hyunbinxjj

➻ he chuckles, feeling happy to know she also wants to come back. he has a humble house, but the home is made by him and hyunseo, and he likes to think others also feel this place as a comfortable hideout. if rian feels comfortable in their house, then he’s happy and satisfied, because it means they have been able to build something worth sharing with those who are close to their hearts. 

➻ “good, take care of this house is the only one we have”

➻ and hopefully in the future they will be able to move to something bigger, but for now it’s just perfect as it is. and that is the secret, at least that is his secret; he’s grateful for what he has, for what he has achieved, even if it’s little. he could want more, yes, but he was very happy with what he had. being ambitious was a good trait, but hyunbin likes to think of himself as a more realistic type of man.

➻ “i had no idea that was a color. is aurora red different than red? are there more types of red?”

➻ he knows it’s something people usually say, that men don’t know enough colors, but he’s surprised since he sees basic colors and he doesn’t understand the need of those fancy names. he takes notes, of course, and makes sure to remember her suggestions, hoping hyunseo will like it and that she will enjoy the simple yet thoughtful present he was preparing for her.

➻ “you just need to practice a little. i cook often, you can come whenever you want and help me” 

she has many houses. their vacation home is one of many. she has seen many houses in the past as well. her feet never stayed grounded. even now the future hardly allows her to stay in one place. her destiny is to always travel. and yet eventually she will be bound. eventually the wings that carry her will be wounded. caged bird that does not sing. caged bird that has no voice. she is already that bird. the cage is simply yet to be built. for now it resides in her mind. “trust me, i’m the last one to talk to about taking care of houses.” she is being reminded of this fact often lately it seems.

she is not an expert. there are certainly women in her circles that know far more about brands, about designers, about fashion than she. rian’s focus was never on that, yet her mother’s influence couldn’t go unnoticed. it was impossible to grow up as she has and not know a thing or two about clothes, about fashion. “there are a lot of shades of red hyunbin-sshi.” she says, almost as though it is natural for everyone to know this. “wine red isn’t the same as apple red right?” though she has reason to pay attention. he has more important matters to attend to than thinking of the differing shades of red. 

a teasing smile spreads across her face at his suggestion. “are you just trying to get someone else to help so you can do less? playing it off as you helping me?” it is not bad. though perhaps he should find someone else who can help more. she is rather useless in this arena. peeling is not too difficult though it does seem she is taking a lot more of the potato along with the peel than is necessary. practice makes perfect. she has no reason to strive for perfection in this however. other than for the sake of being a useful addition to the preparations she will only be a part of while on this island. 

family dinner