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All Your Perfects: Thoughts

I was supposed to go somewhere but due to unknown circumstances, I wasn’t able to go. Been so moody and all that even k-drama nor food can’t uplift my spirits. I cleaned my room and the some chores but it didn’t clear my head. So I decided to read. My friend recommended me some books last time which I added to my TBR pile so here I am digging in. I chose All Your Perfects by Colleen Hoover (again).

I was just trying to read to clear my head and didn’t have the end in mind to finish the book in one sitting (again) – but I did. I finished the book in like 8hours and this is not so me! Good thing it was weekend.

First chapter and I’m so hooked with all the scenes! I really like books that steal my interest in the opening chapters. What I noticed is that it doesn’t have POVs because the author has different way of attacking the story. It was a comparison of Graham and Quinn’s relationship from then and now. I kind of like POVs though but I realized comparison is also nice. But I wanted to hear Graham’s side!!!! I thought it was something that the book lacks, but I was satisfied at the end chapters where Graham’s thoughts were heard.

I shed some tears in this book. I love how the author molded the characters with so much emotions and it was deeply conveyed to the readers. It was painful for me though I’m not married or anything but I can feel the devastations each lead character felt.

Favorite character? Graham. Not because he’s handsome but because he showed strength as a pillar of their relationship. Add there all the good characteristics man can have (man in the book, rather).

Favorite part? I have a lot. I like the fortune cookie scene because it was very relevant to them (I even posted the lines on my wall!). I also like all the ‘then’ scene. Lastly, the ending.

Memorable scene? The opening of the box.

What I learned? We all have flaws as a person. It was pointed out in the book that if we focus on our flaws, all our perfects will dim. That hit me hard. I mean, I’m on my adulating phase and like Quinn I have questioned everything that has happened on me to the point that I have disregarded all the good in me. Good thing I’m done with that phase but I still get negative thoughts sometimes but I’m kind of become strong-minded (gladly).

I think this is my current fave. Rated this 10/10. I love the characters’ development, the plot, the climax and the ending. The book is easy to read and very relatable. This plus adulting kdramas is changing my perspective on what is being a woman.

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November 9: A Book Review

I’m not really into romance novels. I’m more on sci-fi, young adult, and thriller genre. But this year, I am giving romance novels a go. It’s on my “25 things on my 25th” list.

Colleen Hoover books are new to me but I heard a lot about this author from my bookish friends (book buddies since high school!!!). So I downloaded some of her books and picked the book titled November 9.

I love the story and character development of Fallon and Benton. We get and feel the happy and sad part. What I like the most about the book is that it is easy to read. I finished it in one sitting. The attack was easy to follow and the thoughts (and feelings!!!) of the author were clearly imparted through the characters. Also, I like that it only have essential characters introduced. In addition, I like the part that it has POVs. I mean, POVs are very important to me to understand better the characters.

I was kind of scared that it may end brutally or it may leave me broken. But the conflict was resolved in the end. If I was one of the main characters, I really don’t know if I could the same. Or are we that really forgiving to the people we love?

Well I guess real love forgives and forgets all the pain.

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12 Books of 2022

Last year, I started the 2021 with Leigh Bardugo books from the last week of January to the whole month of February. I had my biggest book slump after reading her books. I mean, I was feeling so high during the peak of my reading and I wasn’t letting go of the emotions. Good thing, Shadow and Bone series was released on April that year. It soothed my hunger from SOC duology.

I tried reading some new books but I can hardly finish one chapter. But during the Typhoon Odette brownout, I was forced to read (no Netflix, no internet). I read Someday by David Levithan which was gifted to me during Christmas Party 2019. Yes, it took me 2 freaking years before I finally read it. But it was a series (a trilo, I think?) so can’t really say that it’s good good, but it’s good.

So this year I started a reading plan “12 Books of 2022" in which I’ll try to read at least once a month (due to busy days at work + Netflix). I just limited it to 12 so that it’s achievable. If it exceeds 12, then better.

Here’s me planning to wake up my sleeping bookish side.

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11th Day of 2022

Blog 009

01.11.2022

6:21 AM

Today is the day I'll make myself proud. Today is the day I'll congratulate myse---

6:25 AM

Wait.

I'm not even sure of the outcome. TBH I'm freaking nervous. My head is full of what if's since yesterday. TBH again, I'm scared.. Scared that I may flunk and fail..

7:42 AM

Applied for passes. Okay this is it. Pull yourself together, girl.

8:26 AM

To go or not to go? Ugh. Hamlet.

8:28 AM

I don't know if I'm just nervous or what but I kind of feeling under the weather. My body aches, my head hurts, and my throat is itchy. I know it's flu season but please let not this be COVID. Jebal. Or I'm just being OA for this D-Day. Ugh. I don't know anymore.

9:08 AM

Should I go?

11:43 AM

I should go.

12:03 PM

It's now or never.

1:13 PM

Bumpy path before my prize.

2:11 PM

Got it. But won't open it.

2:31 PM

Off to church. I will open it after I pray.

2:47 PM

I prayed to God. Not that I wanted to change the result if ever, but to thank Him for everything. I contemplated so much last night that whatever the result will be, I'll gladly accept it.

2:48 PM

"We wish to inform you that you have successfully passed the Comprehensive Examination given this November 20 & 27, 2021."

At first, I didn't believe it yet but when I flipped the page and saw the second content of the letter showing that I passed all 12 subjects, my heart was jumping out of joy like FR!!!!! I was thanking God so much. I was ugly crying TF because I was so happy! I was freaking nervous that I might have flunked 1 or 2 subjects because there was no review program this year and the scope was too broad. I mean, we have no freaking idea what will come out during the exam. Our profs did not gave us any pointers aside from our one major prof because she told us it's not difficult to help especially for the success of her students. The last 2 subjects I took were the most difficult because I honestly don't have any idea about the exam content. I was literally defining and answering the questions based on the given literal context tf that's why I was so nervous. Also, since it is a general exam, our prof who handled us aren't usually the ones who make the exam (plus we don't have reviews, so it was like a suicide mission).

But prayers work. I prayed every day and every night that God may grant me this. God heard my prayers, and God never fails especially if it's meant for you. Through my highs and lows, God was with me. The entire November and December I was so freaking stressed. My academic works, my office works, my teaching works, and my church works were overlapping to the point that I don't know which to pick first since all of them were demanding to be prioritized. Breakdowns here and there that I did not tell anyone but my journal. All the sleepless nights and all the nights I cried everything to bed was so worth it the moment I saw my results.

I was in the verge of giving up. I wasn't gonna take that opportunity because I wasn't ready and I was scared that I might just fail. But I remembered I have no choice. I am an "Ate". And I'm not born rich. So I have to work my ass hard even though I have to cry a lot on the process because my negative thoughts will not pay my bills and bring food on our table. That was my reminder to self the night before I took the exam.

To my family, June 2022 is for you. To my love, graduation goals again for year 2022. To my constants, my breather. To my prof, you played a big part in this success. To all the people who have helped one way or another, thank you.

I know this is just a small success, a small win. But small wins matter. And I thank everything to the Almighty God for this small win.

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❄️ (at St. Roche Parish Church, Maydolong E. Samar) https://www.instagram.com/p/CXYGVZqhFCGdEkkSUcOUN7HISYTp6N9Lnu4Ves0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Immaculada Concepcion

Blog 2021-004

Year 2018 when I first become a regina for the Solemnity of the Immaculada Concepcion. Since then, I have been a devotee for the Our Lady of Immaculate Conception and I dreamt of becoming an Hermana soon. This year, I internalized deeply if I should take the responsibility this year or if I am ready already. After months of reflection and asking for a sign, I have decided during my 25th birthday that I won’t celebrate my birthday in grandest way like other ladies celebrating their silver year but I want to become an Hermana for the Immaculada Concepcion as a way of celebrating my 25th year.

It had been a good journey all-throughout especially when God is with you. I faced a lot of challenges on the way especially in time management and finances. A month before the start of the novena mass, I was also busy studying for my comprehensive exam for my graduate studies. A week before my exams, I was busy preparing for the exams of the undergraduate students as well. And during this time I was still scouting 53 reginas for the celebration. I thought it was easy scouting young ladies in joining the solemnity, but I received a lot of rejections.

After exams, I focused on preparing for the novena mass. The novena mass starts at 4:30pm but during the first day, our parish priest adjusted the time to 4:00pm without sending me a notice. Since I work from 12:30 pm to 4:30 pm, I arrive at the church at 5 minutes before 5pm. And when I arrived, the mass have started already. Good thing that my mom was there so she facilitated the prayer leaders and the liturgists. The liturgists from my reginas was only the readings and the psalmist was supposed to be a choirester, but when I arrived the psalmist assigned was one of the readers. At first, it was okay because I thought that she practiced but only to find out when she was at the podium already that she doesn’t know how. I felt bad for her because it was the first day, it was her first time, and I felt responsible for not organizing it enough. That night I cried myself to bed thinking if I am worthy of being an Hermana or it was just a “want”. But I braced myself and let my body be drowned with positive thoughts. I did it for Immaculate Conception. I offered my 25th birthday for her as a sign of my devotion. I can do this.

I prepared so much for the second day to the ninth day. I was so ever grateful for the reginas for slicing a time for this celebration and cooperating from novena mass to praying the rosary on air. They always attend the mass even though during the 8th and 9thday was raining non-stop. I felt bad for them getting soaked from the rain but I also felt happy and grateful for their cooperation and devotion.

The 9th day had been extra challenging. It had been raining nonstop since 10am. Some barangays were already flooded. I was 25% worried that it might not stop till tomorrow which is the Solemnity already and that we might not be able to have a procession of the image of the Immaculate Conception in our town. That night of the 9thday, we have been preparing from foods to tokens but the ESAMELCO kept on having power interruptions. It blinked like more than 5 times and past midnight power was out for good. I slept for like 3 hours after I finished preparing the tokens. I prayed hard that it would not rain during the procession. That may God grants us even just an hour of a good weather, and that we may be able to parade the image of Immaculate Conception and bless our town.

On the actual day, I woke up at 3am and it was still raining hard and power was still out. We don’t have power generator set, so we just lighted a candle and used available flashlights while slicing the ingredients and cooking the food. By 5am I went to the church to prepare in advance. It was still raining but I wasn’t losing hope because I know God and Mother Mary will make a way and that maybe they’re just testing my faith.

During the holy mass, it was still raining but our parish priest was also optimistic that after the mass and installation of our new confraternity the rain would stop for the procession. Yes, in my time as Hermana, our parish priest decided to establish a new confradia for Immaculada Concepcio. We have been installed as the pioneering members of the confraternity. Gladly, after the installation we have been able to proceed for the procession of the image of Immaculate Conception because the rain stopped. I was even about to burst out of tears because I felt blessed that God and Mother Mary through the intercession of Immaculate Conception, we have been allowed to have a procession. But during the half-way, the rain showered a bit like a holy water blessing our way.

I had my faith in Our Lady of Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary throughout the journey that whatever happens she will guide me all-throughout. I was struggling so much in balancing my time and shortage of my finances but God provided me so much. My heart is so full and so blessed that I cannot thank God enough and the people who helped me in this journey.

My heart will be forever grateful for our dynamic parish priest even though he put a heavy challenge on me of having 53 reginas (all titles in the litany) instead of the traditional 13 reginas because he was so supportive during the whole process. Our minds clash at times because his way was too different from the previous priest but at some point it helped me; to the parish secretary, parish choir, and servers for their time, support, and guidance; to our lolas at the church for being the prayer leaders during the 9 day novenas; to our parish decorator for his help in beautifying the image of Immaculate Conception; to my 53 reginas who always attend the mass and cooperating with the tasks like being the liturgists during the novena mass and prayer leaders for the rosary on air for 9 days; for the Hermana 2020, for mentoring me since day 1, I would’ve been able to do things without your guidance; to the Hermana 2018 for inspiring me to become a devotee; to all the Hermanas Pasadas for this religious legacy; to Stephen for his never ending support and encouragement even he’s miles away from me; to all of my friends and my family’s friends who helped me along the way; to my workmates for their undying support; to my parents for being there for me and for supporting me with this devotion; to all the people near and far who in one way or another helped me in this celebration for our nation’s patroness; and to the Lord our God and Mother Mary, for the blessing, guidance, and love. I can’t thank you all enough but you are all blessed!

I may have been the poorest Hermana ever our town’s history, but my heart is thankful that I have been able to do everything with my might and all cost for the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of Blessed Virgin Mary. May this devotion be strengthened and may everyone in the new founded confraternity may find the light and heart to be a true devotee.

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thank you so much to my ever supportive parents! 💙✨ to momma, since day 1 you were there assisting the reginas and the prayer leaders in my behalf because I was still at school. you shared half of the burden and stress I’ve got on my back. to papa, for supporting this devotion since day 1 as well. you helped me in my finances, the church errands, and the assistance every day. to Fr Dan, you established a new Immaculada tradition and confraternity. It have been a challenge for me mentally, physically, and financially but with your guidance and support, I was able to surpass all of it. also, the 9-day routine strengthened my devotion to Our Lady Immaculate Conception. 💙✨ (at St. Roche Parish Church, Maydolong E. Samar) https://www.instagram.com/p/CXPhQy7p1EtZq2SBOGaQj9HkM-VnV4yAhP2cyQ0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Year-end Denouement

Blog 2021-003

In a month, 2021 will be ending.

It’s like 10 months of 2021 have passed by so fast. Just the same plain year as 2020 – no big surprises, no big achievements, nothing, just another year for CoVID19. It’s like this phase of my life where I feel stagnant and this year joined that phase – ugh, freaking great.

But I still have more than a month to spend before the year ends, so I’m still hoping for good plot and good denouement for my 2021 chapter. I’m likewise hoping for everyone who are struggling in every page of their lives to have a great year-end.

- M

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hallow-day 🦇 https://www.instagram.com/p/CVueBxehi2Y-PVHKwyUE4-bZZekqSPiGevMK540/?utm_medium=tumblr

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squad ghouls 🦇 https://www.instagram.com/p/CVr76x_BM9WUYfJKC9MZEIWiZX9uO1MfYjdW5I0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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✨ https://www.instagram.com/p/CVrZaICBhsT8HSdHBE6r0JSjsXJ9-DGlN4YahA0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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📽 photo dump 2021-009 5:17 pm | 04-19-21 (at Cloud) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUMrZN1hpuU8xRW-MwoGppbQrfM5DYaai2QGmg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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5pm thoughts from the photos I took 5pm of April 19th this year https://www.instagram.com/p/CUKH9hShn2bZYjYWtjs6UCPAECeUKCGuf47mk80/?utm_medium=tumblr

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9130 Diebus: Quarter Century

September 17, 1996. Born today a score and five years ago via Cesarean section is a beautiful bouncing baby girl weighing 3.3 kg.

Blog 2021-002

I am beyond blessed for living a score and five years here on Earth with complete family, healthy mind and body, and life full of ups and downs.

Today is just a regular working day, yet a special day for me. I just did my daily routine in going to work, thanked everyone’s greetings, and get my work done (especially the modules) – a normal day, indeed.

I have always loved my birthday even though I don’t celebrate it in a grandest way but the people around me always make it special.

I still don’t know how to claim this age but yeah life goes on so be it. Hell-o to quarter life crisis!

- M

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QUADRANSCENTENNIAL  

Blog 2021-001

Twenty-five is a unique age. For many people at this stage of life, there's been a straightforward path up until this point. High school led to college, and college led to a first job in the real world. And then all of a sudden, there's no obvious direction. Quarter-life crisis it is, indeed.

At some point of my life, I have been thinking about my purpose, my path and my life-long plans. I envy how some people are so sure of their life by 25 or even before 25! Some of my friends and batch mates within the 20-25 age groups have already decided what they want to do in their lives. Some settled of becoming a mom and a housewife; some pursued further studies; some decided to move halfway across the world; some were just happy to stay where they are; some are already financially stable and successful in their careers; and some are still undecided, unstable, and does not know yet what purpose do they serve, what path to take or where to start in all the plans they made – and I guess I belong to this “some”.

I wonder how they do that. The options are overwhelming, and it's hard to know which path to choose or when and where to start or what plan and what part of the plan should I pursue or achieve first. And in this crossroads, financial matters joined the dilemma. Financial matters really matters for me since I am the eldest, hence I have to help my family first and at the same time pursue my career and join the race of becoming financially stable. Lucky for those eldest that were born in silver spoon, they are privileged enough to think about their career, personal crisis and mental health alone. Me, as an Asian first-born of a poor family, I have to help and support my family. And you know what? It’s kinda hard to balance your finances for yourself and for your family. But I’m still working my ass hard even if it’s difficult and painful. Maybe that is what ates do.

At the start of this year 2021, I already have been thinking that I am already turning 25. It kind of bothered me because duh I’m getting old. LOL. Kidding aside, I have been thinking that I’m still unsuccessful and unstable tita and daughter at my age. I kind of felt futile and stagnant even if I am continuing my education up to this moment.

A month before today, I have been anxious that I may not able to have a birthday that I planned. But after weeks of contemplation, I realized that birthdays that magically allow me to have some fun without thinking of the work/classes tomorrow or the money I spent for booze that I should have spent for something useful and fun-week with a drink-and-party-till-you-die combo are way too fancy & pricy and I cannot afford to waste my working hours again for fun. All I can afford is to have future plans and back-up plans for me and my career.

25 days before my 25th, my why’s and what if’s played tag in my mind. Like why am I being stagnant? Why does my plans do not go as they should? Why don’t I see a progress in me? What if I have taken a different path? What if I have gone to abroad? What if I have taken the good job opportunities offered to me? What is wrong with me? Am I not capable enough or skillful enough? Am I that dull and dolt? How can I support my family if I’m unstable? I was so anxious that I have been unmotivated to do my works and I just want to stay at my room. Indeed, when evil messes up with our minds everything breaks down into pieces.

10 days before my 25th, a strong typhoon came and cut off the electricity. Since there was nothing to do, I used my spare time on my studies and my journaling instead on the social media or Netflix. Journaling really helps! It eased the burden I had of feeling unmotivated. And it helped me refocus on my goal. There I realized I have made a lot of backlogs (which I am working on up to this day lol).

A day before my birthday, I am grateful that I was able to read a passage from the bible which my closest friend sent on our chat group from Isaiah 28:29 which say “The plans God makes are wise, and they always succeed.” There I realized that all this time of whining like a baby about my failed plans I forgotten that God has bigger plans prepared for me. I have been too focused on myself and my own plans alone and forgot that God has His story written for me. That bible verse was very timely and life-saving. I think that was the best gift I have received before turning 25. It saved me from the troubles and anxiety I felt all throughout the year.

I spent the last day of my 24th year here on earth contemplating about my achievements and failures. It may have felt off lately, but now I have taken to my heart and mind that my small steps matter. I have been too haste in reaping the fruit of my labor that the fruit isn’t ripe yet for picking because I was already turning 25 and that I want to achieve something better when I turn 25 for me and my family. But my pace is different from other people’s pace. This isn’t a race of who achieved something first rather it is my growth that matters. I know I’m kind of immature for thinking such way and for letting my why’s and what if’s play with my mind and my heart. But discerning these before I turn 25 is kind of a mature-thingy (well, for me tho).

Maybe all of these happened for me to realize that indeed, everything happens for a reason and also God’s way of telling me “wait until it is ready.” Until then, I’ll continue to work hard and work passionately to realize my dreams. Like Taylor Swift has said “I’m not a princess and this aint a fairy tale.” I won’t just sit and wait under an apple tree for it to bear apples and let it fall unto my mouth. I will water my hard work and bring into sunlight my volition to be better, do better, and live better.           

So happy birthday to me! Yea, I just turned 25 today! And I'm trying to figure out how to claim this age yet–with God. This is only the start of my quarter-life crisis and I am happy that I am starting this quadranscentennial period glittering with peace of mind and peace in my heart.

For my birthday wish this year, I just wish and pray to have a successful career and to live happily at my heart’s content with God guiding me. Praying that God will grant me these. In God’s will and in God’s perfect time. Amen.

- M