jjoy13

[jjoy13]

Only a year late... But it's finally done and looks a helluva lot better than the original. #projectsdone

[jjoy13]

So, my opinion on what pretty starts out as...

[jjoy13]

Choices

I know that they won't understand why I've made my decisions and I do what I do for one reason or another. They fought so hard to be members of their church, but they were never part of the church. They were always excluded, left out, outsiders p the outsiders. They went by the letter of the Law, rather than occasionally going by the spirit of the law. Dad felt that he wasn't being "patriarchal" enough so he jumped into overdrive, partly to make up for the past and partly because he can't do anything half assed. It's all or nothing when it comes to his actions. He doesn't care how I feel about their inability to recognize that I have made decisions, without ever needing him. Is that why I find the broken men the most attractive? Because I know that they won't always be there and that I'll be okay without their full attention. I've made the decisions I needed to my entire life. I never saw an active patriarch when I was told there was one. I saw the lie of the situation long before I understood what adults do. It was the only thing I really understood as a child. Adults tell lies to make everything look pretty, when everything is cracking even more than the current use of superglue an hot glue can keep together. Careful children, the broken pieces are on the floor and those shards stick and drive deeper the older you get.

[jjoy13]

HOTT...

  Hott is an insult.

It’s an ugly term to women like myself and it shouldn’t be appreciated by anyone. It means that there is nothing you want out of me—my personality, my presence, god forbid my mind—but my body. The thing that I spent little to no time on, that changes with everyday, that I have absolutely little to no control of what it decides to do. It can be bloated, it can be lumpy, it can be skinny or fat, it decides what it is going to do and sometimes I just have to let it be.

But don’t you think for one second that I’m not going to slap you. Slap you hard enough to make sure you never think about calling a woman that again. I didn’t spend twenty something years making my mind and my personality to have someone degrade me with that.

Hot had better be something to do with my actual temperature rather than the sexual desire you think you are getting something out of. Because fact is, you’re not. 

[jjoy13]

What blame you carry...

It was Megan in first grade. It was Christine in second grade. It was Catherine in third, Kelsey in fourth. It was Chrissie in fifth and Danielle in sixth. It was Sam in seventh and Katie in eighth. It was Catherine again freshman year and it was Kelsey again sophomore year.

I had no one again junior year and finally, it was me senior year.

We all left. I don’t have contact with any of them. Some of them I’ll see in a few years when we have that wonderful thing they call ten-year reunions, but I’m planning on only going to see who’s still alive and whether those talk a lot of shit boys actually did anything.

I’ve lost them all, friends only last a year, these people that I gave so much to, decided that they were my bestie, only to be thrown to the side, ignored and lost because I was under a series of rules, regulations, and guidelines that have sent me down the path I’ve followed. And those were the ones that I didn’t really follow whether of not people believed I did.

I didn’t have role models, I didn’t have lasting friendships, I didn’t have the one thing my parents didn’t move for. By god, do I envy the people that have those things and aren’t to carry some of the blame at why your father forever feels alone.

Do you know what it’s like, to carry the blame for why your family is broken and disassembled? My parents decided when I was six that they weren’t going to move with Dad every time a contract changed (every six months or so) because I didn’t do well with making new friends, I didn’t do well in new situations, because I was, well, me.

And what did I get—changing situations, new friends every year, nothing lasting, and no father in the process. Yeah, sounds like a great childhood.  They don’t blame me for it, but I do. I know I was the problem. I could have had a father growing up if I hadn’t been such a problem, been such a reason to stay and find out that there was nothing I could do to better my situation.

I might have been bad at making friends, but I was even worse at keeping them. 

[jjoy13]

Ticking seconds. Red or green. Done.

[jjoy13]

Practicality

There are times I feel like giving in, giving up, or just plain not giving a fuck. But I can't, it just doesn't work that way. I can't say fuck it to work no matter how much I want to. I can't just say I hate what I'm doing and go find something else. I have responsibilities and shit to finish, I have goals and dreams that have requirements before I can get what I want. It is now matter of completion rather than a matter of doing my best because no one wanted me to do better anyways. They all just expected some spoiled princess that daddy gave everything to, when in fact he gave half of his genes, all of his stubbornness, and none of his patience. Great combination don't you think?

[jjoy13]

Forwards we go...

Pages and pages of the shit that I hate to read but do it anyways.

Then you give me something resembling crack for a cokehead.

It’s beautiful, fits right in the cracks of what broken edges of the mirror I’ve been attempting to use as a successful gauge of reality.

Funny how I forgot what the message I was reading was already broken, missing pieces, functioning into a bleak oblivion, because it wasn’t like I was using a mirror to begin with, but a tinted window.

  With a series of self construed curves that weren’t in the accounting of the process of interpretation.

So we stand there lost, thinking that there wasn’t a hope or a care in the world.

How foolish we were.

  Brighten the day, find the way, do just as we say, don’t follow what we do, we were told.

Blindly a few followed and found a way to survive, but then there were people like me, who didn’t get it.

Didn’t follow as they saw others do, but asked all the questions they were told to forget, to regret, and then they had to choose which side they wanted to take and go with their dreams.

  Seize the day or take it a step at a time.

Find your hope alone.

You have to be comfortable with yourself because nobody else is going to make you (which I still think is a lie, but that just may be me, myself, and I) complete.

  Dreams as you go to sleep, dreams as you trudge through the day, dreams of something bigger than yourself, of the people around you.

Of the hope you carry, or drag, with you to keep you going in what seems like the mundane.

It’s not always a wish for tomorrow, though sometimes it seems that way.

Choose the path you really want to take, the message says, but there is a way to go.

The end is the changing factor, something that you have decide where your journey is bound to go.

So I decide that I’ll leave it to Fate, leave it to Chance, and take the Moment that I’ve been avoiding, but who knows.

I’m going to Somewhere, which has to be better than Nowhere, because much as I don’t always know the direction, press forward is all I can think.

Chances are this will become something, which is again better than nothing but who am I to judge—beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and well what I feel it shit out the window; is art.

[jjoy13]

The Liar's Playbook

1. Keep it Simple 2. Goldilock's Rule- not too big, not too little 3. Let others do your lying- people will think and say what they want, but you can always give them some direction.

[jjoy13]

“No one has ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is”- Irvin Hummel

Somehow I think you are wrong dear sir. It doesn’t work that you can’t prove that you are better than someone by showing them how small they really are. It’s too simple to just show that you’re better than someone else, you have to show that you are bigger and better than everyone. It’s kind of like Texas. We know we’re better, bigger, and just plain and simple, the best.  The proof has already been given, and sure there are exceptions in some cases, but it’s negated by the fact that the over all is our win.

But to the real fact of writing, you can’ just show that someone is smaller, you have to share with everyone, show them that they have no idea what they are seeing. It’s not always that the other person is actually someone else—sometimes it is just the person you were yesterday—and then can you fault someone for trying to show that yesterday was smaller than today, and smaller than what tomorrow holds. If that is the case, wouldn’t it be better to show it, because it tracks progress and progress is what we aim for.

Belief makes us scared of what we could be, and what we could have been. But the best knowledge that humanity still has in each individual, is the chance for change. It is the change that we have sitting on our pages of paper. It is the hope that tomorrow will be the answer to the questions that you couldn’t answer today. It is the progress that you can see from yesterday, from last week, from last month, from last year. It is the knowledge that there are some of us that will keep humanity from killing itself off, even if it’s merely raising children that manage to make us proud one day. It is our discipline to see tomorrow, or do everything in our damn power to believe that it will happen. It might not happen for all of us, but it might. Do you want to see what tomorrow looks like, do you want to know what hope feels like?

Dance like no one is watching, sing like you actually can, forget what other people think, take in only what you need, and give everything else of yourself. Lose yourself in your hope and finally live what you preach. It’s amazing to see what your mind sees when gratitude for today actually comes your way. 

[jjoy13]

I am held to a man's standards, and to a woman's, and them finally by my own. If it were a matter of standards alone, I would be done. I was held to a higher standard as a child, than most people are held to as adults. It was what was expected. But this is a matter of what matters, of what should be running through my head. Like the moments when I talk about cars and then jump to texture of fabrics. It's irritating that when I overachieve I let alone because I outdo, outwit my competitors and leave a man standing there feeling incompetent because I was shown the beauty of being a full well rounded individual. Learning is my gift and yet I am condemned for it. Just stuff it, and go to Hell, Codfish....

[jjoy13]

In this world, you can't be famous, you have to be unfamous.

[jjoy13]

Remember that every lie comes with a price. It's kind of like magic, and the price is always higher than you initially thought.

[jjoy13]

Confessions of a Successful Liar

define success as seeing another day when whether or not you can lie well enough to eat today

[jjoy13]

Disappointment

Sometimes people will just let you down, no matter how many chances you give. It's either intentional because they don't really want to be involved or because they just don't care about who or what they're doing. It's all an immediate reaction for them, and they don't even realize that they've hurt you. Oh well, it's their shit that they have to get together because you already has yours put together 'cause you never had a chance to be a kid, be a teenager, you've ever been the idiot, the early responsible adult, and the clueless dumbass with a tongue. Just understand I'm done with being the girl that's one of the guys. Consider my revenge planned

J

[jjoy13]

Mottos are better for a New Year rather than a resolution because it's the back up plan for when you don't know what to do. Last year was 'No More Poison' specifically towards people who make me miserable, since it started with cutting out such a person who left feeling shitty and more angry at the world than when I wasn't hanging out with her.  This year's is 'Take Chances' so that way when I don't know what to do, I take a chance rather than always taking the safer and usually boring route. So wish me luck and I'll see at the end of the year what I've tried and what I'm still not willing to do under any circumstance.  J 

[jjoy13]

Broken in half, running ragged

Going out of my mind, I’m back

Worry, concern, safety, misery

All running through my head so fast

Broken in pieces, I’m picking the up

Falling down over my own feet

Lost inside of my own thoughts, not seeing

What’s under my feet, trying to fly

While my wings are still set tight

No clue why they are still that way

Going bonkers at he situation

  Clearing my mind I write about fights

I breathe deep and imagine reality

If I were in control for a bit or a while

Rather than a pawn inside a master game

Where everything seems too designed

No freedom, no choices, no opportunity

When all I’m told is I have a choice

So I’m making one, terrified, excited

Wanting things to work in my favor

Rather than the forever against me

Flow of change I keep running into

Grossly understated of the insanity

  Driven towards changes, stuck at crossroads

Trying to know what I really want

Or what I’m told is better when it’s not

Really along the way that I’m heading to

Choices, more choices, more choices after that

Nothing more than with no end in sight

But that is Life—to make choices, go places

Decide what’s worth chasing the rabbit hole

And falling down into Wonderland

Or maybe it just turns into a Horror Show

  Misery Correction Stress Relief Belief

Humanity comes ans goes with reality

Whn I hear voices from clueless souls

Who know nothing and get paid better than me

Makes me angry that I’m not pretty only smart

That’ I’m too skinny and never good enough

Always something is going to be a flaw

And I’m never going to be the right one

And no matter how much I try not to care

I still want what I want and no luck my way

Anytime I wish for something I fails

Or falls in my face crashing hard

Because I wasn’t taught to dream small

Shoot for the stars; you’ll land on the moon

Always have a dream, always have somewhere to go

  There were three rules I was taught

As I child for success in life

Somehow I feel like it’s a recipe

For getting walked all over

But I’ll probably keep doing it because

I don’t know anything better

Because I need something that works

Something to keep me afloat when

I’m getting ready to drown myself

Again down the dark hole of Hell

No escape from my own body shape

It’s trying to kill me from the inside

I’m losing what’s left of my reality

Dreaming of what never will be, can’t be

But I’m holding onto something practical than the fairytales some girls think of

  My parents will never get it, never can

They won’t understand why I’m walking

Away from everything they held onto

Because it’s half of what’s drowning me

The thing pouring the water on my nose

While I'm tied and gagged, told to obey

Make covenants that you’ll never keep

Follow rules that sort of make sense. Or not.