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Depression

Recently, I have been feeling more depressed and that concerns me little bit. I have been battling my depression for 10 years now, and like honestly it's been getting better here and there, but I know there's gonna be a point in my life where I do finally lose, and that scares me. This past week has been hard, through my dad being more on me about what I am doing with my life, and I really don't know what I am really doing at this point, and I know people will say that you don't really start your life until your late 20's, but nowadays I am stressing and feeling more down since it's been hard to find a job where I do enjoy, I am about to start a new retail job at this store called At Home, but really thinking about it, I already wanna quit and find a different job that gives more in the future, and gives more experience in a field that I already know about. I'm just hoping that the other jobs that I did apply to get back to me, and yes its more retail jobs, but they're positions that gives more than the job I was recently hired by, like pay, benefits, and even more experience I can use later down the road. But it sucks that I have to be in this position due to my dad being on my ass about it. But I can slowly feel more depressed as the days go by, and it's more affecting me since I am in a long distance relationship and its getting more difficult seeing each other since her school is 5 hours away from me and like I stressed about it because I need a job so I can have that money to able to go there, and be able to give her presents when the times comes because I wanna be able to provide for her in those types of ways. And yes I know presents don't make the relationship, but I do enjoy giving those heartfelt gift to her, and I just feel like I can't able to do that for her since I'm struggling finding a job. I just want to be in a job where I do enjoy being there, like really the pay can suck but if the job has an enjoyable work environment that really what matters to me, because that's what really drives me to go to work and come in. Recently, someone who my girlfriend knew just passed away and hearing how he passed away and hearing that he lost his battle to depression scares me even more, since he was younger than me, it hits more. I'm trying my best to stay positive and really keep my head afloat and beating my depression, but at the end of the day I am scared because one day I can just end it all, but the people around me will be affect heavily, and I don't wanna do that to them, like they are my anchors and they have been my motivation on staying here, but there has been times where I just wanna give up.

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Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

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Stingwater Jacquard Knit

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by canfrgu

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butterfly.minmin

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Disappointment

Recently, I’ve felt more like a disappointment to my family. My life has been one hell of a ride and honestly, I felt like I haven’t gained anything our of it. My parents has been more on my ass; especially my dad, about working and money. To him, he sees me as a child that can’t really do anything right; which i can see that because I haven’t been working since my recent job just closed down, due to, my boss not being able to pay the rent of the store. But I have been going out more, and just trying to enjoy the life that I wasn’t able to have since my dad was very strict on how my brothers and I could go out and have fun. As I grew older, i started to work and part time jobs, and like I enjoyed them for the most part, but my dad always had something to say about the jobs I was working at, since in his eyes they didn’t benefit what his standards of work should be. So whenever I left a job, due to, reasons on why I left, he would always had something to say about it, and sometimes it made me feel more like he was disappointed and that I wasn’t good enough. I left my first job at American Eagle because the work environment got really toxic after the store manager that hired me left and everything started to go downhill. I became a manger there with some of the associates that were there at the same time I was hired, but eventually, it got bad and, it felt like I was targeted there and wasn’t treated the same and or just felt like I didn’t belong as a manager=, even though I treated the associates that I managed with so much care, and really wanted to enjoy the job and make them feel like they wanted to come into work, but the other managers didn’t like how I was running the store and just turned on me, which resulted in my mental heath getting worse, and outside of work I fell more into my depression, and so I left. When my dad found out he made a big problem about me leaving and I told him what happened, but all her could say was “you should have just kept going,” and hearing that I felt like he didn’t care about my mental health and just wanted me to be there and make money. Then working at my second job, once again he felt like it wasn’t beneficial, and when I quit, he lectured me and that felt more like he was thinking I was more of a disappointment. And now since my recent job store closed down due to the rent being high, I has unemployed. And that I'm unemployed, once again my dad is involved. I’ve been trying to apply to jobs that could get me in the right track of trying to start my life, I'm 23 now, and all my dad has been doing since he’s off the ship for the time being is “when are you gonna find a job,” “You say you’re looking at jobs, but you haven't gotten an interview or are you even trying?” What he said hurt in so many ways, I understand that he wants the best for me, but I already be thinking about what I need to do, I’m constantly thinking about my life and what I need to do 24/7 and it keeps me up at night, stressing me out, making me look at jobs at 4am losing sleep because I don’t wanna have him see me as a disappoint anymore, but I still feel like even if I get a good job that supports me, it wouldn’t be enough for him to see me as his child that can provide for himself. But Idunno to me I’m never gonna be good enough for my dad. Sometimes I just wanna get away from everything and just hid and cry. Like it is my fault for putting myself into this situation. I try my best to do things but they aren't enough. At the end of the end I’m always gonna be a disappointment no matter what. 

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Sophia Joan Short

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Bitha

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Seconds Apart on instagram

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mellow.doodles

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Seconds Apart on instagram

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In the saga “coffee pots and productivity”: Busy is not a badge of honor !

You don’t have to be exhausted, overworked, to be worthy of respect.

You don’t need to be in constant search for the sacrosanct productivity to deserve praise.

In a society that puts our value in our hability to work, it’s important to remember that our worth is not our productivity.

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Clara McGowan

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Titsay

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Consciousconversations_ on instagram

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Selfcarexpress