jhastastardust-blog

[jhastastardust-blog]

I spoke-- for the first time

I talked to Sap today. I told her what has been bothering me for the last weeks. This was the first time I ever shared the reason why I was acting really dumb. I hesitated. Like an irritated clam while producing its pearl. My insides were as if being pulled downward so not to burst what I have in mind. But I tried. I succeeded. I suddenly burst out "Sap, may io-open ako sa'yo." Without even thinking-- I exclaimed as if I was so sure. Therefore, I was compelled to share because I already promised to do so. I saw in her eyes how excited she was. She has always been very persuasive for me to open up but I never really had the courage to do so. But I'm thankful of that sudden urge and that thoughtless exclamation, I finally expressed my long-time bottled up emotions. We were walking and she was persistent in encouraging and asking me about what the hell was that. I gently gave her hints that it was about friendship. She was puzzled because it was only five of us who have been together for the last three weeks. Inside the training room as we were waiting for the time, she asked if I was mad at *him*. She said *he* told her that he noticed how I was not talking to him. Of course, my stubborn mind abruptly said: he would not notice that. He was hyposensitive enough not to notice. But then again, I guess three weeks have been long enough for him to recognize what I was doing. Then was when I finally opened up. I told her how everything has changed since we entered SiTEL. How the once always clenched together is now always two seats apart. How the two of us can spend the whole day together then, now almost just coincidentally part of an awkward group. How the then best and closest of friends are now like acquaintances. Of course, I also told her how *she* has replaced me. And how I hate myself for feeling that way. Maybe now, Sap already understood why I always said that I am toxic. Maybe if Sap was in *his* shoe, she would be extremely annoyed, too. Maybe I was the problem after all. She told me I can't force someone to love me the same way I love them. I told her my mind knew that, but it's my heart that cannot accept that. It was immediately cut off because the time has come. But I hope she understands me, what I am feeling, and where I am coming from. Hopefully, *he* would know, too. And understand. And change. And come back to how *he* used to be.

[jhastastardust-blog]

I have to breathe

I deactivated almost all of my social networking sites accounts-- all that is known to people. I have to breathe. It's hard to move forward and fool yourself that you're fine if you constantly see that he's happy with someone else on his my day, ig stories, and tweets. I have to be happy that he's happy. But it's just too hard. I know I don't deserve whatever I'm demanding. He's right. What he's doing is valid. It's just me who can't accept that fact. I became too attached-- that's the problem with me. I thought it was just fine if I invested almost everything of me in this friendship. I didn't realize that I'm not worthy of it. I did not realize that all good things will eventually end. And, despite the fact that I thought our friendship was perfect, it certainly is not. Because I am not the one he would constantly want to be with. I blame it on me. I guess it's already time for us to quit blame-shifting because all of us are well aware that it was my fault all along. I gave too much for a friendship that was founded on 'last resort'. He had no other choice but to stay with me because I was all that's left. But I thought that he chose me because he wanted to be with me. Turned out that it was not true. In the end, when all the other options have arisen, I was left out, unwanted, and isolated. In the end, it was me to be blamed. I had to choose-- if I'd stop SiTEL and look for a job that I wanted and dreamt, or pursue it. I almost chose to stop; I did not. I thought of how I don't want him to be mad at me if I chose not to pursue it. I fear that I, myself, could still not handle to be apart from him yet. I disregard the dream of working in a media company where I could develop my talents and work on the things that I've always dreamt about- because of him. I had to choose; I chose him. I was broken. Thinking every minute how I threw away all my childhood dreams and lifelong passion to be constantly with him. How I again made a hasty decision because I loved some people too much. How I chose practicality, financial stability, and friendship over my dreams and passions. Even more- when I realized that he found a new person he could share every single second with. She wasn't new, actually. She was there before me. Which is why I couldn't rage because I am not worthy of it. She was his friend long before he knew me. Thus, she deserve all the attention and time all along. But I could not help but envy and compare everything. I was replaced. The hugs, kisses, laughter, tears- all which was mine then is hers now. Then, I was broken more than before. I knew I was not his favorite; and I hate myself because I have not made myself worthy to be coined as his favorite. And the most painful fact that could slap you in the face is the fact that you're not your favorite person's favorite person. That was what he made me feel. I've always, always told him, or at least joke about it, that I'm sad or mad that I'm not his favorite person. He never told me still. He never even bother to lie that I was. Yet, one time when *she* was telling her sentiments about how no one chooses her as their favorite, he all of a sudden butt in and say "Me. You're my favorite." I shook it off and act as if I didn't hear a thing. But those words break my heart so much that I started to wonder if he ever liked to be with me. If I was ever considered, even thought, to be his favorite. Or if I was ever reckoned as a good friend. Was I just someone who could be there any moment that's why I was always the first to know what he's going through? Was I just too clingy that he had to spend all the time with me? Was I the only one who would sacrifice and he did not care at all? Different questions that I was too scared to ask then suddenly bursted. Questions that were supppsed not to be asked. Truths that should have been kept so not to break too many hearts. I was not his favorite. I was not my favorite person's favorite person. He said he'd do it again tomorrow. I thought it was me so I waited and expected. I was not. After long days of pretending not to care, he hugged me-- from the back. He wrapped his arms on my shoulders while we were listening to the discussion. It felt like it was so long ago when he last did that to me. I felt loved again by my friend. Night came, he quote tweeted a tweet that says "Hug her from behind. Girls love that." He said, "Ahhh. Gawin ko ulit bukas, friend." Friend. Friend. I thought it was me. I expected that it was me he was referring to. That I was that friend whom he would hug from behind again. Tomorrow came, he did not do it. Well, at least, to me. Because he did it to her. Then, I realized maybe I was not the friend he was talking about. Maybe, I was not a friend at all. Maybe. I constantly see him on social media. I constantly check. And everytime I do, I'd cry, breakdown, and have a panic attack. Now, I'm freeing myself. I have to breathe. And if cutting the ties could save me from this death, I'd try to save myself. I hope I could pretend to be fine in personal, though.

[jhastastardust-blog]

2009 2019

Everything just seems to fall apart. My family. We've always been the happy type of family. We're small but we're contented. A family who jests everytime- and that was what made it happy. Until one day, my father died-- let me correct that though, my father killed himself. He hung himself with a noose in our little house in San Pablo. We were broken- all five of us. We're only five now: Inay, Ate, Ate fey, Dannyk and I. But we continued. We tried our very hard to support each other so not to fall down. I can say that we pretty much survived- at least for the last ten years. But now, everyone seems to hate each other. The love that kept us together for the past years might have been gone. We started to be numb of not talking to each other. We don't feel a thing even though there's obviously something wrong in the house. We start to not care anymore. Jokes on you though; Because I care. And I seem to care too much. Because it's starting to kill me now. My friends. Or should I say, my friend. There's no problem, I can see that. We are fine. We were just laughing hard yesterday. We were just chatting a while ago. But you feel so far. We feel so distant. Despite all the time that we spend with each other together, I'm constantly haunted by this fear that you don't feel excited talking to me anymore. That you won't choose to be with me anymore. That you don't like me anymore. And the worst feeling that I am feeling right now because of you is the pain of realizing how it's so easy for you to leave me. How easy it is for you to choose other instead of me. I don't only feel unimportant because I am just an option but also because I am not chosen. I know we'd talked about this then that what you're doing is valid and that I don't have the right to demand for time and affection and all. Maybe it's just because you are my favorite person but I can never force you to make me yours. My dreams. They say that you bloom where you are planted. Where I am right now is where I do not want, which is why I'm clenching just not to be planted here. I have a lot of dreams. You could say that I'm a dreamy person. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been motivated by reaching my dreams. Now that I am a step closer to them, I just tripped and fall back to the ground. I want to become a writer. I want to be a documentarist. I want to write and direct a film or a theatre play where I am also the musical director. I wanna be in a band. But I guess I'm not good enough. I guess I'm just a shit which is why I'm stucked with answering customers' grievances and apologizing for any inconvenience. I guess that Cum Laude is just a medal to be bragged but has no worth at all. I guess this is going to be who I'll ever be. I guess I'll never reach my dreams anymore. My heart. No one loves me. They all are happy with their lovers while I'm here loving them from afar. Maybe, I'm just that unlikable to be liked by the men I loved. To think, who would love me? Ugly. Dumb. Talentless. Fat. Dramatic. No man in his right mind would like a girl like that! Even a girl! Maybe I really have to face my future alone. But why should you face the future if you could end everything now. 2009, we were crying because of my father's suicide. 2019, I hope they would cry for mine.

[jhastastardust-blog]

Never Enough

I tried to do everything just for the love-of-my-life finally love me back: music, dancing, intelligence--- say it. I perform so well, and well uh, extra- because I want hin to notice me. First, Dale. I grabbed every opportunity to show him I'm kinda good in music. I play guitar and watch him sing with my music from afar. I adored him more and more as he flaunt his sweet, sweet voice. Plus I was the one making the music for him. I was hoping for him to appreciate me and my talent. I guess he appreciate it but it wasn't enough for him to like me back. Second, Justine-- my morning star, my Orion. I am not good in socializing with people, all the more, the persons I liked. So this oh-so-awkward lady would spend every freaking day ignoring him. But I tried to do all the things he would like for him to like me back. I'd dance with all my talent in dancing so he could see me and hopefully, be impressed. I would consciously crack jokes and watch him laugh discretely for the reason that we were not close friends. It's as if he was laughing at the jokes of a stranger. And i could not blame him because it was I who made him feel that. I went extra in making fun of myself and shamelessly flaunting my talents so he could throw an eye on me. However, he never did. He never loved me back. I guess I wasn't enough. Lastly, John. I showed him that I could be intelligent like him despite my goofy attitude. I strived to make all my outputs exemplary, not for myself but for him to be proud of me. Because I realized that I was only going beyond what I could do for him to appreciate me. In the end though, it was not enough. They were not enough. I don't even know why on earth did I even think that he could fall for me. Like he was one of the most intelligent persons I've ever met. Layouting, Graphic designing, visual arts, journalism, video editing, photography, cooking, teaching --- say every one of them all and this motherfucker is good at it. And here am I, just a shitty student of his. And I expect to be loved back by him? You stupid whore. He would not do that. You are not enough. I guess no matter what I do. Regardless of how outstanding or extra I did, I will never, ever be enough.

[jhastastardust-blog]

Start point!

This is a shout to the void. No one has to read this. No one has to know about this. This is gonna be my safe haven now. I'm gonna talk about whatever the shit is going on with my life, with my mind, and with my heart. And someday, I'll come back and see how problematic and whiny I was.

[jhastastardust-blog]

Hi!