jesusthecapricorn

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NEW COUNTRY, SAME SABRINA

NEW COUNTRY, SAME SABRINA

THEWANDERERANDTHEWRITER NEW COUNTRY, SAME SABRINA INSECURITY, TRUTH, AND KOREA Some of us are very secure in who we are. Some of us are not. Some of us worry too much about what others think. Some of us do not. This is for those who do, for those who can sometimes feel our personalities being warped by those concerns, who sometimes try to dull our edges in order to make ourselves seem more…

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LOVING & LOSING & LOSING AGAIN

LOVING & LOSING & LOSING AGAIN

THEWANDERERANDTHEWRITER LOVING & LOSING & LOSING AGAIN REFLECTIONS ON GRIEF – AGAIN Some of us are lucky enough to make it through this life without being affected by some tragedy or another. Some of us take a few hits. Some of us get hit so many times with so much force that it is miraculous they find the light of day again. Those are the people who teach us resilience and the true strength of…

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The Hours (2002) dir. by Stephen Daldry

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ghosts

There are bottles collecting dust  for months they have sat  waiting for you to use them There are feelings  tired from exertion constantly being felt  constantly being exercised pushed to new limits limits I hoped I would never have to go There is this space empty when it used to be so full now filled only with loss lost hope lost love lost happiness it echoes through the halls reverberates on each wall a thick cloud of what used to be hazy from the door ghosts haunting us love having left us

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FISHERMAN'S DAUGHTER

FISHERMAN’S DAUGHTER

THEWANDERERANDTHEWRITER FISHERMAN’S DAUGHTER NEWFOUNDLAND, THE FISHERY AND FAMILY Have you ever loved something without really knowing it? Ever held something so dear, identified with it, but never really knew what it meant? That was me and the fishery. This is my recollection of my two trips offshore fishing with my dad, and all the weight and emotion that comes with the territory of being a…

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THEWANDERERANDTHEWRITER LET’S TALK ABOUT CONSENT SEX, RAPE CULTURE & WHY NO MEANS NO Have you ever felt like a victim of something but didn’t even know what that something was? Have you ever stood up for yourself when it took everything inside of you and you didn’t even know if you were right? Are you tired of this world and how it treats you? This post is not easy to publish, but let me tell you…

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Somedays the need to speak my truth feels so loud it cannot be ignored. Is this the inevitable writer in me, yelling violently to pursue a life that is as innate to me as the desire to breathe? To stop ignoring the blatant dissatisfaction that follows me around, daring me to tell the world how I feel, proving to me that I cannot be at rest until I do?  Today it is loud. Today it is heavy. Today my heart is heavy with the weight of the past that until today I had shaken. I will awake tomorrow, feeling weightless and new, but today it is here and today I will give it life.  My dad is in a hospital bed with a single iv attached to his hand. It’s nothing some drugs and a look inside won’t fix. But to me, it is the accumulation of death and loss staring at me from a body that I love with every atom of my being. It is the patient but inevitable wait I fear everyday that my phone will again ring and tell me that the for the third time in my life, I have lost another human I hold dear. It is the inevitable sobs that will once again rise from my throat and pull all the oxygen from the room. It is the weight that I will again carry for a time, unsure of my new surroundings and unable to make my way around them. It is the inevitable.  When you think of your life, your future, who you will be in x number of years, you don’t account for the tragedies and the bottoms you will undoubtedly encounter during your ride. You think of the happy moments, the achievements, the accomplishments. Not the times where the pain is so sharp, it’s a knife that cuts away at you, shaping you more than anything else in this life will. Those are the defining moments. And they can be counted on more than the good. They are inevitable. They are waiting for you, and you them.  So we hold on to the good moments. We pull them in. We let them resonate. Because it is the bliss in those singular points in time that beats so loudly in our hearts it drowns out the hurt. During our lows, it remains, a small but immeasurable beat, a quiet but undefeated sound reminding us that the sun will shine again, that we will once again know joy, that it will again pound in our hearts as loud as this hurt. It’s when the beat is gone that we should worry.  

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two:

I want to discover all your small spaces - the inconceivable ones, the ones you never knew you had. I want to know where you hide your darkest deepest secrets. I don't want to know them. I just want to know where they reside, so I can watch them from afar. Not to keep an eye out for them, but to watch you live life in the face of all the things you hide, so I can watch you come alive like the art that you are, so I can feel the breath of life underneath my fingers; a life that you live so courageously because you contain within yourself all of the things you fear, all of the things you hate. I want to know your complexities, your intricacies, behold your exquisiteness and know for once in my life that I am sure of the feelings I hold in my hand and that I am finally where I am supposed to be.

[jesusthecapricorn]

honestly i think the only reason being a hoe is considered a bad thing is that it implies that men are replaceable to you and it hurts their feelings so they put you down for it

[jesusthecapricorn]

Tragedy is mad

Garrick between Tragedy and Comedy (1760), Joshua Reynolds / Sweatpants, Childish Gambino

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the spaces in between

I got sad reading the words you said all those years ago building up to I love you’s letting the space between the words do the talking. I felt the weight of it and it rooted me to the ground  with fear that I would never know it again and with realization that now someone else owns it and all the spaces in between.  This life you’ve built with no hint of me in it.  This person you are with no trace of mine left to find. But this is life the journey we take the paths we wander the roads we trek. And we keep trekking because to be still would be to die.

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too bad i won't stay i just wasn't built that way i'm more like the wind fleeting but violent unnecessary but true a ship in the night moving with the sea its destination unknown sailing with the wind alone through the day longing to find shore again aware of the end afraid to be found i, the bearer of my sins will never touch ground

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here’s to the sun rising long before we found sleep

here’s to the moon fading into the sky while we discovered a small flame of love that burned longer and brighter than the moon ever did

here’s to birthing lust and raising it into hope

here’s to overcoming the last year and the hurt we gave one another and the grief life gave to us

here’s to being bigger and stronger in the light of this year’s sun

here’s to waiting 

here’s to not having a choice

[jesusthecapricorn]

you said you loved me and i said it back without ever really meaning it without ever thinking i would need to without every knowing what was awaiting us me  you. i left and i missed you so much i felt it to my core the longing was consuming it burned through my days and dragged out my nights. i loved you so much it was heavy on my chest and i carried it with me till you crossed the ocean between us and brought yourself to me. you put your money where your heart was you got on a plane and came to be with me and it was more than anyone has shown me more than anyone has proven to me. our day turned into nights and our time drew short but it dragged on and all of a sudden i had a companion a relationship a partner and my independence suffocated as you stole all the air from the room and i realized i’ve only ever flourished under my own sun. and then you left and it shined down on me brighter than it ever has. our talks turned shorter and more rare and i brushed you off like i brushed off all the loves before always preferring my own solitude over the company of lovers. the months passed as fleeting as our brief affair until the earth ripped wide open and threw us all into its pits. i swam and grappled alone through the falling debris because you had found someone who wouldn’t brush you off and who would always stay and who helped you find land amongst all the destruction. i saw you again for the first time since i kissed you and said see you again soon and my heart broke all over and the longing set in but this time it came for good. i left because grief can only keep you so long and i hurt alone till i couldn’t anymore. so here i am after months of battling the sad and the lonely and losing and swallowing my pride and admitting my need for help and picking up the pieces from the cracking earth and drowning myself in the company of others when all i want is the company of you and the one who left us to fend on our own. but his was a one ay ticket and i’m here while you’re still there not being brushed off by me but still holding me close enough to know the longing. and i know the longing all too well. 

[jesusthecapricorn]

after all of this                  the knowing you                                             the missing you                                                                        the loving you                                                                                               the longing  i sit here ready.

i know lonely                         i’ve been knowing it for quite some time now

                                                                                     but the longing is constant

i’m tired of lonely. i’m tired of the longing.  i’m tired of wanting to be somewhere i cannot be.  i’m tired of being someone i dislike being. i’m tired. i want to be filled with the night and the air and love like we were once before            

drunk on the idea of what we could be                                                                        infatuated knowing we never would i want to breathe you in and know you like the air, need you like oxygen. i want to miss you with every fiber of my being when you’re sitting next to me. i want to feel it deep inside and be sure of it

                                                               when i’ve never been sure of anything

here we are a year later                                        an ocean between us     a grief so big as the ocean itself defining us and shaping us and making us     but i’m willing to make the step.         i’m ready to try it out.                i’ve never been ready so please 

be ready too. 

[jesusthecapricorn]

two:

i too am a victim of the social removal and upheaval of my confidence and innocence and self esteem as I meandered through adolescence and puberty and life. i thought the only way to love was to dwarf myself and I thought love was the only thing worth having when now I know that the only thing worth having is myself and i am too valuable to be dwarfed at all. i too gave everything up too soon and watched as my bright light got dimmer and dimmer as it was darkened by the voices of judgement and small town mind sets that plagued my first two decades on this earth. i too care far too much about what others think of me and I'm tired of pretending like I don't. I'm tired of continuously reinforcing the mortar on this brick wall I have built to shield myself from the onlookers and i find myself time and time again considering how to remove it entirely. life would be so much brighter if I could bask in the sun unfiltered by the cracks that run through my defences.