jesswantstoleave

[jesswantstoleave]

im nothing if im not sick.

[jesswantstoleave]

sometimes, i feel like a ghost

there's a sense of weightlessness to my body, even when i feel like i'm being dragged down by a ball and chain

a peacefulness

an acceptance

in these times, i lose the sadness i feel when i think of killing myself

i just feel free

a whisper of happiness

knowing it will all be over soon

[jesswantstoleave]

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning” because if it was a good morning I would have bled out last night

[jesswantstoleave]

im never going to feel sad enough

no matter how shitty i feel, it's never enough

how can i acknowledge my illness when i'm obviously faking?

its not like i've attempted before, so how could i call myself suicidal?

its not like my cuts really count, they're just cat scratches, so how can i say i self harm?

i'm terrified of people seeing, so i only cut once a day; how can it really count if every single inch of my arms arent full of cuts?

my illness will never be valid until i'm finally dead.

[jesswantstoleave]

well, i did it. it felt great :)

on another note, it seems as though i need a new blade

mine is dull and starting to rust, it seems

really been that long, huh?

one slice could ruin 3 months

how tempting it is

[jesswantstoleave]

one slice could ruin 3 months

how tempting it is

[jesswantstoleave]

i've been thinking about going back to therapy

but i know it wouldn't be productive

i don't even want to get better

i just want to go so i can feel like my bullshit is valid

like "hey! i go to therapy! the suicidal thoughts i have are real!"

what a waste of time, money, and breath

[jesswantstoleave]

i want so desperately to talk to someone about how bad i want to cut, and i want to have someone to talk to once i relapse

but everyone i know would think of my relapse as a bad thing

even if it isnt one

[jesswantstoleave]

2 months, 20 days clean

and i really don't want to be

i dont want to hit 3 months

being clean never feels like an accomplishment anymore

it just feels like im failing at being depressed

[jesswantstoleave]

i'm so tired of being clean

im sick of it hanging over my head

im tired of putting in so much effort into resisting the urge to cut when im already so fucking tired

the longer i stay clean the worse i'll feel when i relapse

i should just do it now

i really want to do it now