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[jessicaingo]

His Ho Ho Hoes

December 18th, 2020

I’m currently in Oregon, At my sons fathers parents house.. Sitting in the room where the first abusive incident happened back in 2016. Many of y’all will be wondering “WHY?!” & I’ll explain. I have a wonderful relationship with my sons fathers parents. They have been incredible grandparents to my children & always have been loving & kind towards me. Its been a few years since the first attack.. I’m asking myself if time has healed the past painful experience.. As weird as this may sound, I think I feel sad that my sons father isn’t here with us… I know, I know. How could I possibly have feelings like that, right? I’m not sad for him. He put himself in the situation he’s in. He did so much damage not just to me, but our children & his own family. I feel sad for THEM. I feel sad that if he had made better choices, that he would be sitting here with us singing Christmas songs, watching movies, laughing as we watch the boys play. He is the one missing out. In the end, I got everything that truly matters in my life. I get the family experiences that he will NEVER get to experience this year. He will never get to see the light in my boys eyes when they wake up this Christmas morning & open their presents from Santa. You can never relive the moments that you missed out on. So that’s why I feel sad, I guess.. yet I do NOT feel bad for him.

I also have to keep in mind, HE NEVER WANTED ANY OF IT. The things that bring me happiness are NOT the same things that make him happy. He chose his whores, drugs & alcohol over me & eventually over his own children. How did we get to this point? The downward fall that we could never recover from happened here, in this house December 2016.

My sons father had recently lost his job. His poor reputation is what’s to blame for it. I figured it was the perfect time to go visit his family in Oregon. He agreed & I paid for the flights. I asked what interests his family had, I bought gifts for EVERY member in his family. I think I was more excited about this trip than he was. I wasn’t excited because I felt like I was going to be more established in his life, I was excited for HIM to be able to take a break & visit his friends & family. Maybe that break from reality would be the perfect thing he needed to regroup, go back to Arizona full of positivity & get back on track. One of my biggest mistakes in my relationship with my sons father was assuming he thought the same way I did. We NEVER once thought the same. The only reason why he came on this trip was because I was paying for it & I made the arrangements. He was just along for the ride. 

When we arrive, I thought things were going well! The home was beautiful decorated in Christmas decor in every room! It automatically felt like home for me. As a family, we watched movies, laughed, played games & drank wine. A part of me felt like this was the moment he might actually start to love me. I felt comfortable & thought I fit into his life so well. After a couple days of relaxing family time. My sons father wanted to hang out with his buddies. He made it clear he was NOT enjoying family time & he was anxious to leave the house. He included me as he made plans to go grab drinks & catch up with his friends. I was thrilled. I was going to meet his BEST friends whom he grew up with. 

That night, we ended up at some bar in Eugene Oregon. Things started off casual & escalated quickly. If I remember correctly it was at bar number 3 when my sons father asked if I wanted another drink & never came back. I was sitting at a table for about 15 mins, looking around the packed bar & couldn’t see him. I decided I’d go use the restroom then continue to look around for him. As I’m in the stall, two girls walked in. I couldn’t help but hear their conversation… “He’s here with his girlfriend from Arizona. So you have to help me try & get rid of her so he can come home with me”. At this point, I’m just standing in the stall confused.. wondering if I should wait for them to leave or just exit & make them feel beyond awkward… I chose to make these sluts feel the shame. I opened the stall door, smiled at them, washed my hands in the silence & exited the restroom leaving them completely in an embarrassment shock. At this moment, I’m now mad. Is this guy really going to leave me at some random bar in a small town knowing damn well I don’t know where the hell I am?! Or how to get back to his parents place? I look around the room, still can’t find him. I pull up my uber app & back in 2016 they didn’t have any Ubers in the small town. My heart starts beating faster as I start to panic. As I’m still standing close to the restrooms, I notice my sons father come out. I pushed people out of the way as I ran towards him. I casually grabbed his arm & said “Oh there you are! I’ve been looking for you” He lied as he responded that he had been searching for me too. I then proceeded to tell him that I wanted to leave NOW. He stood their awkwardly as he looked around saying he needed to find his “friends” to let them know where he was going. He told me to go to the exit of the bar & to wait for him… I see the bathroom sluts approach him. He only talked to the girls for a brief moment before him & his friends all joined me at the exit. We walked to a different bar. This bar was just as busy as the last. We finally made our way to the bartender & my sons father started ordering shots. He ordered 9.. We had only 7 in our group. As soon as the shots were given to us, My sons father grabbed 3 & WALKED AWAY. I’m getting really annoyed at this point. I know what’s going on! I’m not an idiot however, I LET IT HAPPEN. I was living in my own denial back then. I spotted him across the bar give the two bathroom sluts a shot. He had told them where we were heading...I watched them laugh & take the green tea shot. Was I really being made out to be some kind of joke? Did it excite them thinking they were doing this behind my back or in front of my face? I have no idea. All I know is now looking back is how disrespectful my sons father always treated me. After their “secret shot” I made eye contact with him. He quickly turned his back as if I didn’t already see him & he would just magically disappear. I finally worked up the courage to walk up to him & the bathroom sluts. Once my sons father realized I was on my way to cause trouble, he casually grabbed me & introduced me as “Jess” & told me he was just catching up with some girls he went to high school with. I gave my fake smiled & told him it was time to go. I didn’t give him a choice as I grabbed his hand & forced him to leave with me. Nothing was ever said about that night. I knew in the back of my head the truth, yet I justified it as “I stopped him before anything happened” so everything is “fine”. I had my guard up after that night though.. that’s for sure. 

On our last night in Oregon before flying home. He invited over his guy friends for a game night. My sons father was drinking heavily to the point of almost blacking out. He was picking fights with everyone, being rude. Repeating his most famous quote, “I’m the best there is!”. His friends were getting annoyed & started saying their goodbyes. He ran after one of them & I heard the front door close. After a few mins, I went to try & rescue his poor friend since he clearly wanted to leave. As I approach the front door, I hear my sons father speaking very loudly. I pause… I wanted to hear what they were talking about.. All I heard was “I texted her but she told me she wouldn’t meet up with me but I miss her, I really wanted to see her” I opened the door quickly to interrupt their conversation because I didn't want to hear anymore. My body just froze & I said.. “Hey, it’s cold. Why don’t you say goodbye to your friend & come inside”…. My sons father said something insulting towards me, I closed the door feeling devastated & he eventually made his way back inside after taking a piss in the front yard. The first thing he did when he walked back in was start yelling. Since his friends were gone, He wanted to start picking fights with me, his brother & both of his parents. We were used to such behavior so we mostly just ignored it & tried to enjoy the rest of our evening. Since we all refused to bicker with him, he poured a full glass of scotch & left for the bedroom. After a few moments of peace, I told his family I would go check on him. When I opened the door, I found him completely passed out with the full glass of scotch untouched on the nightstand. I walked back into the living room, told his family that we were both going to call it a night & that we would see them early in the morning to leave for the airport. 

I’ll never forget what happened next. I walk into the room my sons father & I were staying in. He was so intoxicated he fell asleep with the lights on so I turned them off, crawled into bed, put my phone on the nightstand & closed my eyes. All I could think about were the words I heard earlier that night of him talking about meeting up with another girl… “I text her… I wanted to see her… I miss her.. I text her.. I miss her… I text her…” just on repeat on my mind… Then finally one other thought popped in my mind. SET YOUR ALARM! We had to be up at around 6am. An alarm needed to be set! I reach over to grab my phone in the dark but instead, I accidentally grabbed HIS phone…. Now, in this moment I had two choices. Put his phone DOWN & pick up mine OR Enter in his password & go through his phone. Depending on this ONE choice I had would determine the outcome of my relationship with him… 

In my mind his words came back on repeat. “I text her.. I wanted to see her… I miss her….” 

I couldn’t help my curiosity. I slowly & quietly got out of bed not like I could’ve woken him, he was intoxicated & passed out. I tip toed into the bathroom & entered his password into his phone.. I got in. All I wanted was to know who this mystery girl was. Could it be one of the bathroom sluts I had encountered? Or was it someone else? I just had to know. I went into his texts & started reading them ALL until I found the one I was looking for. Shannon. My heart started pounding as I opened the conversation…. my sons father did in fact ask to meet up with her. Told her he was in town & had to see her… Shannons response was “Out of respect for my husband & child, I think that would be inappropriate. Take Care”… I was in shock. This was not what I was expecting however it settled me. Where ever you are in this world Shannon, thank you for being an amazing women with morals & having respect for your family. So many women these days are selfish & love the attention any man gives them despite if they are interested or not. I value the women who share the same morals as I do. 

Now comes choice number two. Put the phone back? Or keep digging? I already found what I was looking for… but it wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I was WANTING to find something discriminating after meeting the bathroom sluts.. So I kept looking. I somehow ended up in his photos.. this is where I found out more than I was ever looking for. Turns out, he was good at deleting his texts & emails.. what he never deleted was his photos & videos. I don’t even think I could begin to describe what I found in his phone. I was absolutely disgusting. In this very moment, I learned he never ONCE was loyal to me. I found pornagraphic photos & videos he took of himself & multiple different girls …. on the bed sheets & comforter set I BOUGHT HIM. 

I began to shake. I knew something was going on but NOT HIS. I NEVER GUESSED THIS. I start taking screen shots & texting them to myself. The emotions I felt in this moment were pure betrayal. I opened the bathroom door & with out a second thought I just threw his phone at him. Unfortunately for me, it hit him straight in the face. I truly did not mean to have such good aim but oh, I was vivid. He woke up yelling. I began to explain what I had just found on his phone. He starts to defend himself, saying I’m crazy, denying everything. I laugh sarcasticly. As I’m holding my phone, I started to wave it & told him I text all the evidence to myself & this time I had the proof! IM NOT CRAZY! He could NEVER deny it! This upset him…& the rest all happened so fast. He got up, we start wrestling over my phone. He pushed me down, as he’s walking away with my phone I knew he was going to start deleting all my evidence! I grabbed his ankle to try & stop him from walking away. He then turns & started kicking me in the stomach. He kicks & he kicks as I begin to scream & cry. He’s kicking with his right foot as I’m holding onto his left. Every kick, I grab on tighter to his ankle until I eventually let go. With his left foot free, he begins to stomp on my face.. & that’s when his brother & father walked in. That is the exact image they saw. My face, under his foot. His brother runs & grabs him as his father just screams “WHY SON? WHY?!” Then his father helps me up & takes me into the other room. I’m in tears just apologizing. I started apologizing that I did this. I INSTIGATED THIS IN THEIR HOME! I apologized that I should’ve waited until we were back in Arizona to confront him. I knew he was intoxicated & nothing good would come from it but I WASNT THINKING! I was acting on pure emotions of the ultimate betrayal. Nothing was discussed that night as it came to such a shock to everyone… I was taken into a spare room to spend the rest of the night. I told his mother he still had my phone. She went to get it from him & he started accusing me of twisting his ankle! He made his mother take him to ER that night. When I got my phone back, all evidence had been deleted.. but I know the truth. I’ll never forget the images I saw that night. The next morning my sons father packed up his stuff & left for the airport with his mother. I then went into the room to pack my belongings & his father drove me separately to to catch my flight.

I often think about how I could’ve gone about everything so differently. I’m sitting in the room where the first attack happened writing this… I’ve been going through multiple scenarios in my mind how things might have ended up differently… then I remember what happened BEFORE this first attack. My sons father & I never had a good relationship. It wasn’t one full of love that ended after one bad fight. It was a relationship I FOUGHT FOR with someone who NEVER LOVED ME. 

This should’ve been the end of it all but a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our first.

[jessicaingo]

“He Hit Me & It Felt Like A Kiss”

“He hurt me but it felt like true love, Loving him was never enough”

December 13th,2020

When I first heard these Lana Del Ray lyrics, I felt like I had written them myself. It opened my eyes to how I really wasn't the only person who's ever dealt with a toxic relationship before. Unless you've experienced one yourself, You can never truly understand. Ive lost countless amounts of friends due to the fact I chose to continue to be manipulated & never give up on the “true love” I thought I had for my sons father. In their eyes, I was stupid. “All you do is complain! We have told you time & time again” I understood their position then, just like I do now. I get it. BUT I couldn't help my heart. My love for my sons father was like a DRUG. It was an ADDICTION & I WAS OBSESSED. Just like any addiction, you aren't ready to quit until YOU choose to. You can realize the issue is present but sometimes that's not enough. You can't make a life change until YOU & ONLY YOU are ready to. No ones opinion or good advice can help. What DID help me were the friends who were CONSTANTLY there. Supporting me & loving me with no questions asked. Not the ones who gave me ultimatums. “You choose our friendship or him. I’m sorry but I just can't stand by your side with all this drama & you never taking my advice. I don't want to see you hurt anymore” All valid statements.. but It wasn't what helped me get through the abuse. All it did was make me feel like more of a failure. Like I was disappointing everyone in my life who I cared about the most. So I’m grateful for the ones who actually stayed though out the years ALWAYS being a shoulder for me to cry on while I tried to make sense of it all. I know my children & my happiness now days truly make my loved ones FULL of joy. My success & happiness is not just my own, its because of my dear loved ones who helped give me strength. 

But lets go back to the beginning. Back to the start when this abuse all started. Keep in mind, this is the short version. I’ll be going into further detail in my future posts.

I met my sons father in 2015 when I started dating him. Through out the years, I’ve seen all his sides. The good, the bad & everything in between. 

The first time he physically abused me was in Oregon December 2016 at his parents home while celebrating the holidays. His brother & parents witnessed the attack. During that visit, I had become pregnant. In these months awaiting for our first to be born, he did nothing to change his way of life. I gave birth to our first child in October, 2017. Only a couple weeks later, I got a call late at night from an officer who arrested him for a DUI. I had to put my 3 week old son in the car & pick him up from jail. At that time, we both had our own apartments & were not living together. 

After picking him up from jail, I dropped him off at his place. He verbally abused me the entire ride. Never gave me apologizes for having to wake up our baby to come get him. Instead he blamed ME. Blamed me for being the reason why he was driving under the influence. In reality, I had no idea where he was that night. The last text he sent me was he was working late. Keep in mind, he never was around to help me with our son. (I’ll be going into details in a separate post)       I should’ve opened my eyes that night to the fact he was not sympathetic & probably would never change his ways. Instead, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him if he wanted to be a father, he needed to start acting like one. Enough of the cheating, the lies, the alcohol, the drugs. My sons father made a promise he had no intentions on keeping to me as we moved in together. 

Only a couple short weeks after moving in, was the second physically abusive incident. December 2017, This one was the worst. It resulted in me getting the police involved because I was locked away from our two month old son. When the officers arrived, they noticed marks around my neck. I gave them a short statement of what happened but only begged for someone to go into the home to get my son. I never wanted to press charges against him however, the state realized how terrible this behavior was & got involved. This is the case that resulted him being on probation currently. He still blames his probation on me for being the one who got the police involved that night. He never once apologized, even when he saw all the marks & bruises. To this day, he denies ever putting his hands on me in an aggressive way that caused me to loose consciousness.

After getting his DUI, My sons father had to get a Breathalyzer in his car. All that stopped him from doing was from driving HIS car. On nights he wouldn’t come home, I would wake up the next day to see he had taken MY car in the middle of the night so he could continue to drive under the influence. Sometimes he would not bring back my car for days. Once when he did this & I noticed my car was gone, I started to text as well as call him. I tried to explain exactly why I needed my car back so badly. I only had enough formula for the baby to get me through the night & I was planing on going to the store to buy more in the morning. Him taking my car that night kept me from easily being able to provide for our child. He didn’t care. Told me to “Go Puff” deliver some formula & he blocked my number. The next day, he arrived back wasted with my car & holding a bag of mccdonalds. This was when incident three happened. I was vivid. I start yelling, trying to get him to understand why I was so upset. I wanted him to understand how his behavior was poorly effecting not just my life emotionally but his sons as well. He laughed, called me dramatic & threw the bag of mcdonalds at me. As I was angry, I threw it back & told him I didn’t want mcdonalds. I wanted formula for our son... That upset him. His eyes filled with rage & I knew it was too late for me to back down or give him an apology. He grabbed me, started punching me in the head repeating the words “Why won’t you just die already? JUST DIE”. I started to crawl away from him, stood up, woke my son up who was still asleep in his crib. I put my shoes on & left for the store to buy formula. As I’m driving in tears I realized how dizzy I was. I noticed an urgent care next to the grocery store. I went inside & that incident was reported with a doctor. The Scottsdale Police showed up at our home. My sons father automatically thought I had called them. As soon as they left, so did he & I didn’t see him again for weeks. (This is what sparked my first post in October 2018)

After him having little contact with me over those weeks, he showed up at 7:00am on October 5th 2018. It was our sons first birthday & our baby was still asleep in his crib. When he arrived, it scared me. I was not expecting him. I explained I had made plans & was taking our son to go to the zoo for his birthday. I then got up to get ready for the day, as he grabbed me. He told me since our son was still sleeping, we had time... he then forced himself on me while I screamed & cried... A couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our second. My sons father disappeared once again. He had found comfort in a young girl who is born in 2001. At the time, it was just an affair. He eventually came back home December 2018 giving me the same false promises, yet I gave him another chance. I wanted to give him one last opportunity to be a father to my children.

I gave birth to our second in 2019. Brad never changed his ways. I went into labor one week early due to stress. On June 22nd at 2am, I called him trying to let him know I wasn’t feeling well. Brad was out partying, he answered telling me I was “Annoying him & to F- off”... a couple hours later, he finally came home. I went into labor almost immediately after his arrival. Since he was still intoxicated & I had to drive myself while having contractions to the hospital.

A couple months after our second son was born, “we” bought a house & moved into our “Forever Home”. This is when incident four happened. I found out that he in fact, never ended his relationship with his young companion. I should’ve known what his reaction would be if I confronted him. He got aggressive, grabbed me & threw me out of the house. I snuck back inside to get our children. He told me to leave, take the children & go live with my mom in Atlanta, GA. I had to leave everything I ever owned behind, only taking our children & whatever was in my diaper bag.. This was truly the most traumatizing abuse of them all... but it was also the LAST TIME he ever physically touched me. Now days, I find a lot of comfort in knowing that was the LAST TIME. Everyone knows I would've stuck by my sons father through out anything, until the day I died. If he didn't kick me out, I would've never left. 

In my first post back in 2018 I even said “I’ll give him a big THANK YOU. THANK YOU for LEAVING ME. THANK YOU FOR FINALLY DOING WHAT I NEVER HAD THE STRENGTH TO DO.” When I said that, I really had thought he left us for good.. but I took him back always praying one day he would love me like I loved him. I now stand by that statement & truly give him a BIG THANK YOU FOR KICKING ME OUT!

Over a year since this incident, I can TRULY say I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

This was my path all along. My children & I are EXACTLY where we are supposed to be & so is my sons father.

xoxo 

[jessicaingo]

Little Did I Know

December 12th, 2020

If you were to tell me what would've happened after my first post back in 2018, I would've never believed it. I suffered through so much over the years with my sons father, I couldn't imagine any other painful experiences were even possible. I had finally working up the courage to leave. From the ending of my first post, it sounded like I was really ready... But, Little did I know... 

I didn't predict my sons father would show up only a couple days later. I didn't predict him forcing himself on me & I most definitely did not predict to become pregnant AGAIN. In October 2018 my sons father showed up at 7am unannounced on my oldest first birthday. Lets just say the encounter I had with him that day was very unpleasant & he disappeared once again like nothing ever happened... a couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our second. Me trying to be the optimistic person I am, thought this pregnancy was a blessing! Maybe, just MAYBE I wasn't supposed to leave him. This was a sign! Or so I told myself...

I made several attempts to try & talk to my sons father about coming home. I really wanted to heal & rebuild our relationship. I was in denial thinking we still had a chance to save it. In that moment, I’d like to say I was just thinking of fixing things for the sake of my children. I now know that would've been a lie. I wanted to fix things for my own selfish reasons. I was still wondering “Why was I not good enough?” Maybe, just maybe having TWO of his children would make us like a “real” family & that my sons father would start being the man I so desperately needed him to be. I was wrong again. 

His response to my second pregnancy was not the answer I wanted to hear & honestly I was highly shocked by it. He told me he had no interest & that he had met someone else. My first question to him was WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? He always would cheat but he would never admit.. this time, straight to my face was the first time he told me he was in a relationship with someone else.. He told me they met a week or two before my sons first birthday... So, that in turn means I got pregnant when he was already in a relationship with this other girl. At the time I knew NOTHING about who she was... It didn't take long before I discovered she was possibly more of a monster than my sons father ever was...

To be continued.... 

[jessicaingo]

Finding myself again

October 1st, 2018

So, here I am... another sleepless night. I want to start with saying I’m not looking for comfort or support by expressing my thoughts & feelings... Free writing has always been a release for me since I was a child. I bottle things up until I let every emotion pour over & drown me. Normally, I keep my thoughts to myself with a pen & paper... but after years & YEARS I feel like I need to become more of an open book. All I want is to feel like people understand me, the things I’ve been through in the past & things I’m currently dealing with..  I’m never going to edit my posts. This is my raw truth exploding out of me... So I guess I’ll start with saying I’m fed up. I’ve been betrayed for way too long. Constantly having to play detective because things NEVER seem to add up. Being told I’m the crazy one because I find out the truth. The truth he will never apologize or admit to with all the proof staring him back in the face. I was completely abandoned by the father of my child a little over 2 weeks ago. Its not unusual for him to run away for a couple weeks at a time.. completely ignoring me & randomly showing up back at home... but this time, it was different. This time, I knew he wasnt coming back. It wasnt because he took more with him this time than he normally does, it was the look in his eyes. The look he gave me when he physically attacked me.. He finally just GAVE UP. In that moment, I knew he felt nothing left for me. “Why dont you just die already” Those were the words he screamed at me. Seems pretty brutal right? I mustve done something to deserve such hatred & abuse.... No. I can go into full detail on why we got into a fight but does it even matter? At this point, there is nothing to try to save, its all been destroyed.. when I really think about it.. this wasnt the breaking point. Its been ruined since the first time I found out about his cheating. I would beg for him, I obsessed over him, All I wanted was to forgive constantly. I wanted to find a way to get him to FINALLY love me, WHY. WHY couldnt he just LOVE me?! WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH ME?!  I LOST MYSELF. I luckily never changed to try to become something I wasnt for him... but I LOST MYSELF. I forgot to care about myself. I forgot to do things that I loved. Everything was CONSTANTLY about HIM & HIS happiness. The only thing that made me happy was the thought of maybe spending time with him... but WHY? In the past 4 years, he never once treated me like I was any better then the dirt he stands on. So, I’m trying to FIND MYSELF AGAIN. Just the thought of not having to please anyone besides myself, that brings me so much joy in the pain I’m currently feeling... I’ll give him a big THANK YOU. THANK YOU for LEAVING ME. THANK YOU FOR FINALLY DOING WHAT I NEVER HAD THE STRENGTH TO DO. 

He always thought I’d always be there... that i would never leave him because I never did in the past... he put me through hell & I stood by his side.. that was my first mistake out of many by staying with a narcissistic, abusive, pathetic excuse for a man. Maybe my current situation is just more of his “punishment” & he will come back. Hes trying to punish me because hes upset I found out hes still cheating.. so he leaves to cheat & blames me saying he cheats because “I upset him”... Pathetic right? enough is enough. I gave him 4 years of my life & the first year of my sons life. We are better off with out him.. I never wanted or saw myself as being a single mom but in reality I cant change the past. I cant keep crying over the hurt... replaying all the texts, photos, emails, memories in my mind. I’m finally finding myself but to fully do that, I HAVE TO LET GO. So here’s to finding my peace with all the betrayal & lies. Letting go of it all wont happen over night but hey, this is at least a start.... MY START.

Its Okay NOT to be Okay. 

xoxo