jessicaheatherpayne

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IRELAND. County Kerry. 1986 Martin Parr 

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Saoirse Ronan for US Vogue August 2018 by Jamie Hawkesworth

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I thrifted a cashmere sweater and mohair scarf already. Currently wondering why I even put anything in my suitcase because I want to fill it with all the knits and wools from Scotland. #highlightofmyday

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the enchanted gardens of Edinburgh (at Edinburgh, United Kingdom)

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It's our last morning in Edinburgh so naturally we're ending it with good coffee and edible flowers because once we get to Northern Ireland's hills all I'll want is the sea. Not seen here is the Kalita brewed Ethiopian that tastes like Brookside chocolate covered blueberries. (at Cult Espresso)

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Last day of summer in the studio and the final piece of the Ontario growing season that I'll make as I leave in 4 days 🙈

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Home until Monday. (at Edinburgh, United Kingdom)

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I made it to Glasgow and this scene, plus a marmalade cat curling up on my lap at a teahouse, was the highlight of my day. (at Glasgow Botanic Gardens)

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A rare moment where I had the pleasure of meeting this grey heron by the trickling river. I was leaving the botanical gardens and there she was, stark and still, searching, like me. She allowed me to walk closer so I could take a few shots with my camera and then I just enjoyed her. I sat with her for a while. She looked me in the eye, cocked her head and studied me, as I studied her. We found common ground at the edge of our two very different worlds. It was the convergence of contrasting ecological systems meeting and mingling, merging, while noticing life in the other. Then, when she was ready she flew off and I continued along the path to other unexpected terrain, both retreating to our respective, sharply defined boundaries. (Taken with a Canon T3i) (at Edinburgh, United Kingdom)

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rest and comfort.

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It is here. The trip in my dreams. I'm waiting to board the plane. Reflecting. I haven't written this publicly. I haven't had words and wanted to remain sensitive to those close. Late last August my husband and I decided that it was best for us to divorce. The decision to separate was not easy but it was right, and there was peace. It's been excruciatingly painful, nothing that anyone goes into a marriage anticipating. I lost family, love, friends. Everything felt like it was ending, including myself. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I had panic attacks and was hospitalized for a few days. I heaved and my eyes watered with tears continuously. But the woman I was when I chose to marry was true to herself then just as the woman I was when we decided to separate was true. Just as I am true as I follow my artist heart now. This is the paradox of life and no one can prepare you for the way, you must walk it, yourself. This is my attempt to travel back to myself, to realign and recall what it feels like to be in my body, alone, to trust myself, again and even more importantly, to trust the stranger. I wasn't going to write this. Not today. It's scary to put the truth out - be vulnerable. But it's necessary for an authentic life. Today, I'm more comfortable with myself, I'm not as afraid as I used to be. I'm kinder. Our love was not in vein. Yet, I know that when I fight accepting myself it takes me to the deepest darkest pit. That I spent most of my twenties listening to others over my voice. It's taken me many points of disconnection to become integrated. It's taken me not recognizing myself to learn to accept and know myself, which I understand now to be a lifelong school. So here I am, heart racing with anticipation, excited and terrified to step into these next few months with no determined end point. In this uncertainty, I've learned that all will be well. When it feels like you can't move, you can. When it feels like you're lost, it's okay, that's how you get found. When it feels like the waves of a storm will overtake you, dive into it, you will come out the other side. When your heart is broken, it's also open and that's how love gets in.

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New hand thrown pottery pieces from my very talented friend Hannah have been added to the AFM collection for 2018. I am beyond happy with how all these shapes and glazes came together. Thank you for being willing to take a small sabbatical from your usual stunning work and experiment with me a little @speckandstone. Can't wait to fill them with flowers when I return from my travels.

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Today I hiked through Loch Lamond, came across fields of heather growing along the hills that reminded me of my mom, felt the lichen branches hanging off the oaks and sat amongst the mother trees on the cobbled beaches with roots cloaked in moss. At the beginning of the day, I had no idea where I was going or why. Now I'm in a pub in Edinburgh, drinking a craft sour beer and realizing that you don't have to know where you are going, you simply need to recognize your desire and follow it.

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Colour study: Yellow Also the name of the song by Chris Martin that slayed me when I first heard it playing on much music at the age of 11 after my parents finally allowed us cable and then I heard it again as a cover in the streets of Glasgow this past Tuesday. The colour of butter that I ate cold as a child but hate to find only the cold option now when I'm looking to spread it on my toast in the morning. My pee when I haven't had enough water. This velvet chair that I'm typing from, which is warm and supports me like a hug from a lover, allowing me to vent on this page. My cold Scottish ale on the table. The sun and its welcomed kiss on my back this afternoon. My new journal cover and the wide legged pants I packed for this journey to look classy yet playful in. Mustard that I particularly like grainy and paired with pork, pickled veg or sharp cheese. Lemons and all their zest or lemons that I put in my water to flush my system, or lemons that I used to squeeze on my hair and lay outside in summer to lighten my blonde because my mother told me that's what she did in the 70s. A banana skin. A post-it-note. The highlighter I go to first. A candle flame. The lines dividing cars on the road. The sign of warning - ease up! Slow down! Or, bravely, dart through. My sister, because her name means honeybee and now I smile when I see it because she is sweet like flower nectar. The sink in the Airbnb bathroom. The genderless tone for a birth; neutral, choice. The colour of home in the month of September. ______________________________________________ Inspired by the fields of solidago from the week before I left. #septemberflowers #autumninontario

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Studio vibes today while teaching a one-on-one with @cityinstills

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pay attention to all sides, even if it's not seen. - the back (stab)

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small worlds make up big worlds make up the universe. #supportlocal ______________________________ Thank you for choosing to support #hamont artists and asking AFM to design for your wedding yesterday, Beck + Mark. You two are true lovers and it was a blast working with ya. (at Art Gallery of Hamilton)