jessicaaaaaleeeee

[jessicaaaaaleeeee]

I hope you enjoy this wenclair brainrot that has been living rent free in my head for the past month...I AM ALSO BLAZING IT BECAUSE MORE PEOPLE NEED TO SEE THE BEAUTY THAT IS WENCLAIR.

reuploaded due to my dumbass who used Bluetooth earphones resulting in 0.5s audio latency from the previous render... Q-Q

Happy holidays and have a good new year everyone!!! And if you don’t celebrate it, I hope you just have a wonderful day. :) You are loved, and you deserved to be loved. Take care!

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"Enid, the mark you have left on me is indelible. any time i grow nauseous at the sight of a rainbow or hear a pop song that makes my ears bleed, ill think of you."

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Literally me all Winter.

Mood of the day: ✨burrito jenna✨

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Caitlyn, to Vi: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Cassandra Kiramman: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

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Topside and bottom. Oil and water. That’s all there is.

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you were alone, left out in the cold clinging to the ruin of your broken home

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Caitlyn and Vi in ARCANE

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this scene of vi and caitlyn makes me so soft 🥺

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I just feel like this scene is underrated

The genuine care and concern in her eyes

She really is sweet as a cupcake 🧁

[jessicaaaaaleeeee]

I am playing a very, very, very dangerous game of attachment here, which may very well lead to my heart getting broken into a million pieces again. But if it's you, I'm willing to take the risk. Because you make me so, so genuinely happy.

The way you show me love that I never feel I deserve; the kind of warmth that envelopes me as if I'm wrapped around my shoulders with the finest woollen blanket there is on a cold winter's night, it fills my heart with so much gratitude I'm spilling over, yet all I ever seem to be able to clumsily blurt out are hushed whispers of I love yous, and the most sincere of thank yous.

I don't have much to offer, but if you'd like to, you can have a home with me here, to hide when the world gets a little too cruel; I will hold you until the storm subsides, and help you to your feet again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you make me happy, you truly do; and I'm here for you, and I love you, thank you.

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"Remember this feeling and remember it well, so that you have something to work towards when you hit rock bottom again and again." ——me to me https://www.instagram.com/p/BwokPhuA5awNzFXXKGhAvlmkMYb6pp9HDl2RBc0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1x2v6sbdtoekc

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Spring is due, it's not as cold as the winter now, but that shouldn't make your heart a little less warmer. . In this world where kindness is a choice, I pray you always choose to be kind. To others, and especially towards yourself. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwIj4N7goGkV0_QMLkPDaxpYALiz49Suwh6hOA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ypqtl1winaxp

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Okay. I think unchunking can sometime help. I hope you feel better. Its alright. We're all just trying to scrape on by with ourselves, our bodies and our minds. I'm constantly self-impeding myself. Like today. It happens.

Thank you :)

[jessicaaaaaleeeee]

Asking for help hardly has much to do with one-self's ability. That's why its called asking for help. It takes a village to raise a child (or something like that, can't remember how the saying goes). You should always find your spaces to vent, or speak out your issues. Sometimes its a bit like screaming into an empty box, but usually that's at least a start. Do you want to share more about what's been going on and things frustrate you?

Unfortunately I am unable to pin point exactly what is frustrating me so much.... Probably just everything tbh. I do feel better after venting out in a blog post. But talking about it to other people, not so much, or more so, not so ready yet.

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There have been so many times where I have felt insignificant in... basically everything. In people’s lives, at work, at university. Moments where I feel like I don’t matter. A heaviness in my heart and a weariness within my soul.

I’m tired. I’m broken. I’m unhappy. I’m angry.

From everything that’s been happening. All the shit that’s been thrown at me. Through texts, through phone calls, through face to face conversations. I go to sleep with a frustrated mind, hoping tomorrow will be a fraction better, but it seems that no matter how well things go I still feel like shit on the inside.

I space out during conversations, I feel this aching pain in my chest when I laugh. I want to feel better, I want to get better, my laughter is genuine when I’m with friends, colleagues, but at the end of the day when I go back home and lay on my bed, my thoughts shift towards the other end of the spectrum. I have tried making myself talk about it, but every time I am this close to uttering the first word of help, there is this white noise making itself known at the back of my mind, blocking out all of my thoughts, everything that I have prepared myself to say, to reach out for help.

And I am so fucking tired of how this is repeating itself everyday and my attempts to help myself is just being cockblocked by myself at the same time. I am frustrated because I cannot identify what it is that is making me so fucking frustrated and miserable. Crying at this point is just a waste of my energy now, when I need to convert said energy to things more useful like work and studies. I have cried so much to the point where I have no more tears left. 

I don’t expect pity from people. Nor do I expect them to help me, because I myself do not know what I expect from others. What right do I have to expect help from others when I don’t even know how to help myself. Am I contradicting myself. I don’t fucking know. I just needed some place to let out my anger. My frustration. My thoughts. But anyway, life goes on I guess. 

If you have made it this far, hello. I am not well. Mentally and emotionally, perhaps physically as well as my knees are killing me, talk about old age. However, I hope to be well again soon, fingers crossed. I am sorry if I have yet again disappointed anybody, I’ve let myself down enough times to know that I’ve let a lot of other people down too hahaha. Anyway, I am sorry for being like this, to you, whoever that’s reading this that relates or understands and needs an apology from me; and to myself, for not taking care of my mental health properly.

Some days it feels like I’m getting better. Yet some days I’m back to square one. And some days I just woke up wishing I didn’t.

[jessicaaaaaleeeee]

You now have 365 more chances to create the most magical year of your life. (blo) Happy New Year :) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsGESnyg6EJBvbRNuIt1nM68EDxkU10TnUAtvY0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ttrl2eefg2nx

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We took naps in the afternoon and got out to explore the city from 11pm. It took Jia 20 shots to get this right and people were staring at Pando. Was it worth it? Heck yea. Early Christmas greetings from Prague. 😁🎄 (at Prague, Czech Republic) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrTtLz7ARwHeyw9D3G8nISaEVkKl_R8Gk9PB-80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tpmkd6lriypo