jessg73 - Tumblr blog

[jessg73]

One thing after another...

So today I am 3 days sober. It is about the millionth time I have tried to quit drinking, but this time I have realized I have to quit much more than that. I have to quit using my body to get what I want. I have to quit being coded. I have to quit...as my mom would say...being a hoe. I have to quit making excuses. I have to quit seeking comfort in other people because I'm afraid to be alone. I have to quit dwelling on the past and defining myself by it. I have to quit drinking...of course. And I have to quit saying I am going to quit all this these things and going right back into them because I'm uncomfortable being uncomfortable. Day 1: finally not a drop of booze in my system. I am able to eat. I got out of bed and showered. Felt like I had a decent grasp on the day. I was focused...kind of. I go walk my dog in the alley way...her usual spot. Same couple of homeless people ate back there and they ask me if I drink. Oh fuck...ugh. "I'm trying not to man. Just spent the last few days detoxing." Shaking my head. They wanted to sell me the rest of their booze for a few bucks so they had some cash. I resisted and went inside. I was so proud of myself. In my head I was like, "Passed that test mofo! Phew!" Then a couple hours later I found out a really good man, a friend of mine in my last rehab, had passed away. I was sad, but you hear this news so often that you kind of get a little numb to it. Then, a girlfriend of mine texts me to check on me. I said I was, "eh". She said she was going to call me soon. I was a little confused and got teary eyed. This had been happening all day because now I feel my emotions and someone I liked had passed away. I said text is better because I didn't want to cry again. Then she tells me someone else had passed away. Now, the someone she said had died was my best friend in rehab. I loved him. He was my snack buddy. My music buddy. In all the same groups. Had the same therapist. When he wasn't there I felt lost because he was...to me...the shit. So I said, "No. The other person died." Then I went back into a group message where this kind of news is spread and felt confused. She says, "No Jess, HE died." So, not only is this number 2 in one day, but it was the person I had gotten the closest with in my time with us both in rehab. I lost my shit. I couldn't help it. I almost threw up I was so hysterical. I had never reacted to anyone's death in such a way. I was so fucking confused and hurting so bad. I wanted to drink. It's all I wanted to do. I had enough in change to go get a bottle. I wrestled with the idea for a got minute and decided to eat myself into a coma so I can make it to day 2. I survived the night. Also day 2. I slept mostly, but I did not drink. Got pissed off at a friend and an ex because they both basically said the same dumb shit to me. "You can change for the people you love." I'm sorry...but anyone who knows about addiction knows my frustration with this one. To sum it up...don't give your opinion about my truth because I am the only one who knows it. So today, I havent slept since the day before, I go get an oil change and find out there is all this ahit going on with my car that I can't afford. I'm losing my shit again. Anxiety through the roof. "How am I going to do this?! Mom and dad have helped me out the past 2 months because I'm a wreck. I cant ask them for more." A friend with whom I was texting calmed me down and helped me figure out cheaper solutions and I felt better. Then I was finally able to go to sleep. So now I am trying to figure out to go about the rest of my day...that's where I am at. Thanks for letting me vent.