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Learning Task #8: WHO AM I

This is Me

I am a driven and fearless individual, with a kind and caring nature, who thrives on adventure and embraces challenges.

I aspire to be remembered as a person who brought happiness and ease into the lives of others, someone who was able to radiate positivity and create a light-hearted atmosphere.

In every Fil-Chi family, the term “shobe” is used to refer to the youngest member, which in my case, was me. Although being the youngest sometimes carried a notion of incapability, it served as a motivation for me to strive and prove that age is just a number. Despite being the youngest, I am capable of achieving great things just like my older cousins are achieving.

Letting Go

I hope to let go of my fear of disappointing others so that I can live life freely, make mistakes and learn from them, and focus on my personal growth without constantly pressuring myself to succeed.

Bucket List

By the age of 25, I hope to have found happiness and fulfillment in my chosen career path, I aspire to have already given back to my parents. I also hope I am already capable of traveling alone. At 45, I wish to still cherish the same close friendships that have brought me joy and support throughout the years. I also aspire to make a positive impact on the world by helping those in need, all while achieving stability and success in my career. And by 60, I envision a life filled with contentment and peace, enjoying the beauty of solitude and the wisdom that comes with age.

Saying Yes

The last time I said 'yes' was when I embraced the idea of growth, realizing that it was something that required conscious effort and a willingness to step out of my comfort zone. I learned that by allowing myself to grow, I shed the fear of not fitting in and gained confidence in my ability to adapt and thrive in any situation. I would say this has affected me greatly as I now have more courage to do the things I think is right. As of the moment, I have nothing I wish to say yes to, but when I know it would benefit and help me I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes.

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Journal #4: SOGIESC and Privilege

1. In my own opinion, learning about SOGIESC is the best way for me to become more aware of my surroundings and to become more understanding and respectful towards different people I meet. 

2. I consider having access to quality education a privilege. Even in today’s date and time, women still face systemic discrimination and bias in many aspects of life, including education, employment, and leadership roles. For me, being a female who is well-educated is undoubtedly a huge privilege, as it can equip me with knowledge, skills, and confidence that can help in pursuing my goals and aspirations, and can also enable me to contribute to my surroundings in meaningful ways. I believe that a responsibility I have with my privilege is to use my education and skills to promote gender equality and social justice as well as to get rid of the social stigma for women. By doing so, I can not only create a better future for myself but also for future generations of women.

3. Understanding my SOGIESC and privileges can aid in the development of my self-awareness and acceptance. It would also guide my interactions and relationships with others in a more genuine and friendly approach. Not only those but it will also help me in contributing to the development of a more equitable and just society that acknowledges and embraces human varieties. 

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Journal #3: Significant Relationships

Part A 

My grandma. Every day I aspire to be as strong and brave as she was in her life. When I was a child I never understood the stories my grandma would tell me but now, I wish I could turn back time and tell her that she’s the bravest woman I have ever known. 

I really can’t tell whether or not I have someone with this kind of relationship since I rarely open up and when I do, I don’t go in-depth about it. But, the person I can count on when I am having a hard time is my sister. She would always initiate late-night talks about happening in our life, and she would share her struggles and small achievements with me which would eventually make me open up about mine too. I am unsure if she senses it when I have problems and would initiate it or if she genuinely just wants to talk. Either way, I am thankful to have a sister with that I can easily talk about life.

I spend it with family, we normally would go out to eat dinner on Sundays. 

My grandparents. I learned that in this world, I can only trust myself because people are neither good nor bad. I can’t judge and trust anyone until I truly know them. My grandparents are the type of people who never sugarcoat anything. They believed that people are meant to understand how life is, so why not start at a young age so at the age of five, I was already aware of what is a good and a bad person. I was already aware that people are capable of doing horrendous acts. People might think that they shouldn’t have done that since it can mess up how a child thinks but up until today I still have this mentality that as long as a person never proved to me they are bad or good, I can’t judge or trust them.

Part B

One of the similarities my group mates and I have is that we are all expected to do well in life. I relate to them since that is also one of the expectations my parents have for me but we differ in the sense that my parents are expecting me to do well in life because I am the youngest. Given that I am the youngest cousin out of all my cousins and my parents aren’t getting any younger, they are scared that the time will come when I would be alone in life. They want me to be able to sustain myself even when everyone is gone. They want me to do well in life so that even when they are gone, no one can ever hurt me.

As a child we really don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong, most of the time we just follow what we see. We will just then learn that a certain thing is right or wrong when we start to realize and have a mind of our own. Therefore, parenting styles and expectations can heavily affect a child’s personal development. For instance, as the youngest child, I am expected to be polite and respect anyone who is elderly. I am supposed to call people who are older than me with honorifics and up until today, I would call people who are older than me “achi” or “ahia” even if they are older by just one year because in Chinese that’s a sign of respect.

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Learning Task #4: Coping with Stress

Yes. When I am stressed, I feel very anxious and irritated. I  also tend to overthink a lot. Usually, no one can talk to me since I am panicking inside so I’d ignore my surroundings until I am calm.

Misunderstandings/ fights, Deadlines, “What if” thoughts 

For situations like fights or misunderstandings, I’d isolate myself. I try to escape the situation since I hate the feeling of being shouted at. For deadlines, I adapt to them since I know it’ll be worse in college. That is why I try to adapt to it as early as possible. Lastly, for my thoughts, I try to fix them. I’d ask myself why am I thinking of that situation and if I found an answer, I would assure myself that it’ll never happen because I have already thought of it and if it were to happen, I am prepared.

I tend to cope with displacement more. For example, there would be days that I’d wake up pissed because I didn’t get enough sleep, my dream was annoying, or I slept not in a good mood the other night so when I woke up and someone talked to me I’d shout at them or tell them to get lost. 

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Learning Task #3: Making Choices

A choice that I often make is whether to buy an album or not. Since, I’d always think, if I bought another album my parents might scold me for spending too much but I’ll be happy. However, if I didn’t buy it, I will think of that album as my “the one that got away” but at least I can save up to watch the artist’s concert. So, I am always stuck on whether I should be happy and get scolded or regret that I didn’t buy it but I will get to see them perform live.

A choice that had a big impact on my life is binge-watching Kdrama during a long test week. I got an unsatisfactory grade because I didn’t get to study which affected my final grade. If I focused on studying and not watching Kdrama, my grades could’ve been higher and could’ve been beneficial in my senior high school applications. 

A choice that I have yet to make is my career path. I have considered being a lawyer when I grow older. However, as I grow older, I am starting to give it second thoughts because of the things I have to sacrifice to get there. If I were to become a lawyer, I can tell myself “I made it.” and I can help those who are in need but I have to endure a tough journey and sacrifice my comfort zone. However, If I were not to be a lawyer, I’d feel like a quitter but at least I won’t have to be hard on myself.

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Learning Task #2: Thinking Patterns

1. What are some of your automatic negative thoughts that are represented by statements you have been repeating to yourself as you are growing up?

“No one understands me.” Growing up, people around me often mistook what I say and things ends up with misunderstandings or huge fights. That’s why I started having the thought that no one truly understands me so why bother explaining my side? Whenever people will start an argument with me I often say a one-liner and if the person I’m talking to says something totally unrelated I will not talk anymore. I do think that most of the time giving people the silent treatment resolves the issue but I think this has affected me somehow in that even if I feel hurt or mad, I couldn't express the feeling I’m having.

2. Do you also have automatic negative thoughts from cognitive distortions? What are some examples?

I would say catastrophizing. I sometimes think too much that can end up in something far from reality. For example, I was alone in a parking lot once and I saw a person pass by three times and my mind totally went panic-yet-need-to-show-I’m-calm mode since I’ve already heard a lot of true crime stories that end up being killed in a parking lot and I can’t make it too obvious that I am aware of my surroundings because they might know. The first time the person passed in front of the car, I realized I didn’t check if all doors are locked so I proceeded to check all the doors. Not long after, the person passed again, I thought that this person is trying to act like they were lost or in need of help and was going to knock and murder me. So I sat in the car calmly recalling all the tips I read online when a stranger approach out of nowhere. If they asked me where a place is I have to show them that I am familiar with this place, okay, I wazed nearby groceries, restaurants, hospitals, and churches. Then if he told me to come out of the car I will start doing crazy things that will make him afraid of me and leave. I was already prepared but he just passed by again and I immediately thought, “oh no, my face was too obvious, he now knows what I’m thinking and maybe he’s calling someone he knows for more help.” I changed my plans, I grab the metal rod my dad keeps in his car and sat back down showing it off, but then I thought what if they are the people who actually love pain, I got a pen and tissue and wrote “If I am not here, check dashcam.” And to end the story, I am still alive.

3. Come up with a Positive Affirmation for yourself. What statement do you want to tell yourself every day (at least until the end of the semester)? Why did you choose this statement?

“It’s just a phase.” Looking back, every step I took to be where I am today was hard, but I still managed to overcome them all. It’s hard for now, but it will be better tomorrow. Yes, I complain about it a lot, but every moment is valuable and contributes to my growth.

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LT #1: Wordle