jennipenguini

[jennipenguini]

The last post I put was a bit harsh, so I apologize to anyone who read it, especially the few friends I’ve been able to meet in college, you all matter to me. When depression hits, it’s nearly impossible to ignore, and that was definitely one of those times. 

Recently, I found out that my advisor, the teacher I respected the most, and the teacher that helped cultivate my interest in Japanese literature and cinema has left Earlham. I am not as upset by the fact that she left, but more by the fact that she didn’t so much as send her advisees an email. She helped me so much in the process of applying to my study abroad program (she wrote me a letter of recommendation), she gave me career advise (she was a conference interpreter, and I would like to be an interpreter), and she was all around a great person. However, now I feel thoroughly and utterly betrayed by not even receiving an email from her. Since receiving the email from the registrar’s office at my university, I have been unsure of how I should pursue my future career and of how to proceed from now. I had the idea that she would be there at least until I graduated (she was supposed to lead a study abroad program next fall and teach some really cool classes afterwards). I now no longer have a teacher as a support system at university and the sense of loss and insecurity in my future has become a pervasive daily theme.

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I haven’t felt this alone in truly a long time. The need for meaningful friendships and the constant mental battle never ends, a constant stream of thoughts continue to go around and around in my head, and the main overlying thought, “I don’t know what to do now” has been dominating over the past few weeks. I don’t know how to keep meaningful relationship with people if I’m the only one putting up the effort. I don’t know how to overcome this constant struggle of knowing that if I don’t initiate, I will continue to be sad and alone. At the same time, the initiate takes so much physical and mental energy, that it’s hard to function at the end of the day. The pendulum swinging between these two seemingly inevitable ideas has tilted toward being alone and I’m not sure when it will change. Is it so much to ask for a friendship in which I’m not completely mentally and physically drained by the end of the day. A friendship in which the other person is able to understand that having a reciprocal amount of communication in which it would create a good balance. Is it so much to ask for a night here or there to even be thought of, even as an after-thought? Is it too much to expect that anything will change from here on out? For now, the plan is to expend the least amount of energy I can, as the past couple of weeks have been physical and mentally taxing and painful. Many of the people I’ve met here seem to collect foreigners like cards, they’ll talk to me for a night, get my Facebook information, and then exit my life as if they never existed. The few people I have met while being here, or even people from last year, only seem to initiate contact when they need help with an assignment. I long for the day to come when my host parents ask me on the weekend “Do you have plans” and I can say something other then no, something more along the lines of “Yeah, my friend invited me out” instead of receiving looks of pity. I wait for the day when I can say in a strong, clear voice, without any doubt “we are great friends,” something I haven’t been able to say for a long time.

[jennipenguini]

It’s exhausting just being awake. Even after an average of 12+ hours of sleep a day the exhaustion doesn’t go away.

When the stares from others say to me “you’ll never be on of us” my only solace is to drown out my thoughts in music.

When the people I meet being Fb friends, it’s to collect as many foreign people on their account as possible.

Friendship. What is that.

[jennipenguini]

After many years, I finally figured out how to use this keep reading thing.

Anyways hi tumblr, it’s been awhile. I’ve been in Japan for the 4 months. I have about 7 more to go. I can get pretty disoriented while being here, switching from English to Japanese and vice versa, waking up in my bed thinking that I’m back in the states, watching American dramas to try to fight off my thoughts only to look up and feel displaced. Physically I’m in a great place. The convenience of Tokyo, going to a great school (although I’m not learning a whole lot), and being able to see the person that I am closest too more regularly than I’ve been able to since they returned home. Mentally, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. Hence, with this post I am trying to ground myself and figure out where I am. I feel as if I’ve been wrenched back into the days when I realized I first had depression, being thrust into space without any way to breath, any way to move, any way to get back. In some ways, however, my depression is also better than its ever been. I have a support system, which is more than I could ever say in the states. Knowing that I have someone that I can talk to has made a huge difference. I would like to say that this has put my feet back on the ground, but I’m still floating somewhere, unsure of how to return. 

After being here, I realized that much of the past two years of college was a lie. Then once I landed, that lie crumbled down. The protective wall I though that I had built around me had come crashing down. Now, I am in the process of rebuilding that wall. Unfortunately, I am not an architect, I don’t have the right tools, and I don’t have anyone that truly understands depression to the point that I am at now that can help me rebuild it, so it looks like I’ll be back at square one. 

It’s not the first time this wall has been in the process of being rebuilt; it is one of 4. First: moving to Indiana. Second: going to high my second high school. Third: going to college. And now. After being rebuilt so many times, the material that I have has become weak and brittle. Is there any point in rebuilding the wall? Is there any point in finding somewhere that I can feel safe, someone that I can talk to about mental health again, someone that might in some way be able to understand?

[jennipenguini]

「らーめん 餃子　大松」　あきる野市雨間

四川そば　980円　

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yukiko “is murder an option” amagi

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∟ Get it here

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20+ Of The Fluffiest Cats In The World

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To all my followers who are worried about school and life:

I almost failed math three times in junior high / high school

I never passed any AP exams

My SAT scores were mediocre

I was four different majors in college and still didn’t figure out what I wanted to do until I was about 26

Currently:

I have a Masters and am working on a second

I have a job I like in a field I love 

I am conversational in Japanese

I am aiming to save all the homeless queer youths in NYC

In short:

It is okay if you don’t know what you want to do right now

You will figure it out

Sometimes a random job will lead to a career

Sometimes you will only work jobs and never have a career– THAT IS FINE

In the long run, no one cares about your GPA

A good resume is important!!

You will be okay, I promise

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what do you call a pansexual man named nick who works at a cd store?

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idk

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Inquisitor: We have a very important mission to undertake for the good of the Inquisition.

Leliana: Inquisitor, I don't see how a-

Inquisitor: Shh! It's very important for our reputation and we need to arrange it post-haste.

Josephine: I'm not sure it will bolster our reputation as much as you think, Inquisitor-

Inquisitor: I NEED THAT TINY BEAR IN THE BLACK EMPORIUM.

Inquisitor: [pounds war table] CULLEN. HAVE SOMEONE FETCH THE TINY BEAR.

Cullen: [sighing] On your order, inquisitor.