jennas-seltzer-review - Tumblr blog

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Four Loko Seltzer: Black Cherry Flavor *LIVE BLOG*

Heyyyyyyy

So I haven’t reviewed a seltzer in a while. I understand that this lets down the three fans I have who read about me in the New York Times. Honestly? I just haven’t been drinking a lot lately. Yes, I’m okay. But I just haven’t been feeling it, ya know? Maybe I’m too old for this, or I just needed a break.

But hey, speaking of “too old for this,” FOUR LOKO! Whoo, it’s like freshman year again. Did you even go to college if your Nikon camera wasn’t full of bad photos of you in your best TJ Maxx party attire holding a can of the worst alcoholic liquid available? I can feel a hangover coming, but I unfortunately can’t treat myself to some dining hall hash browns tomorrow.

Anyway, so over the summer as the White Claw craze was going strong, Four Loko decided that they were going to tease the possibility that they had a new way to kill us all: Four. Loko. Seltzer. Everyone responded to it either loving it or hating it, and fast forward to a month or so ago, Four Loko confirmed that they have created the FourLokoStein Monster.

Four Loko is kind of like your asshole cousin who was kicked out of his fraternity, so the can itself just LOOKS intimidating. “12% alc/vol” greets you from the top of the can, while HARD SELTZER is written just below it. The flavor? Well, it just says “Four Loko with a hint of Black Cherry.” A hint? Just the hint??? This is going to be awful. Also, because this is Four Loko, you can only buy them in the big cans. The big, 23.5 fl oz cans. It is very nice that it tells you there’s about 4 3/4 servings in this can, but also like your asshole cousin who was kicked out of his fraternity, this drink can’t read. The intention is clearly to drink this entire can and ruin the President’s Day mixer.

Anyway, to make amends for not blogging much, I’m going to liveblog me drinking this can of probable liquid garbage. I am sitting alone in my apartment on a Friday night. The entire situation is best described as “sad.” But I’m doing it. The goal is to drink the whole can, but I am NOT making any promises.

Going into this, I am afraid. Like, what if it’s bad... but like, is it worse if it’s good?? What if I drink it too fast and end up hammered on my living room floor, crying to a Hallmark Christmas movie? I guess we just have to jump right in.

Hi, I’m Jenna, and this is My Worst Idea.

7:20PM: I have opened the can. I am nervous. It smells like Cherry Nyquil mixed with pure rubbing alcohol. Speaking of alcohol, the phrase “Contains Alcohol” is printed along the rim, as to remind you and give you a “last chance” to back out now. I’m not backing out. First sip: that is awful. Tastes exactly like it smells. Second sip: not as bad. Third sip: nope, it’s bad. This is going to take while guys.

7:38PM: aaaaaand I’ve already put a straw in it. I can’t be bothered to keep sipping directly from this giant can. The straw does not make it taste better. Every time I take a sip, I end up making a stank face at the flavor. 

8:06PM: It’s been nearly an hour and I’m almost a third of the way through the can. How did people drink this so fast in college? I am about to boot up Netflix to pass the time. A Christmas Prince 3 is out now and, as you know, the Venn Diagram of people who love White Claws and people who love corny Christmas movies is a circle.

8:38PM: okay, yeah, I’m definitely feeling it now, Mr. Krabs. I’m like halfway done?

9:10PM: I went to the bathroom and on the way there I realized I am druuuunk

9:29PM: my guys........ I’m not even done with the drink and I am INTOXICATED for sure. How long were oregames in college? We’re they two hours like it took me? I forgot

9:45PM: I HAVE COMPLETED THE LOKO

9:55PM: i just realized that the four brewing company (maker of our bffs, four loko) is in LA CROSSE? like WISCONSIN LA CROSSE? that’s like super far but so close isn’t that crazy

10:02PM: have you ever been to the wikipedia page for four loko? because they used to be called phusion projects and this is their origin story:

like hello was that not EXPECTED??? it’s your other cousin who got kicked out of a fraternity but he CAN read!

The next day: Hi fam. I’m alive! I fell asleep pretty early last night, but I can’t hang like I used to. Overall, the drink is not very good, but as any marketing major can tell you, you didn’t pay for a product, you paid for an ~experience~ and the ~experience~ was getting effectively drunk. So it succeeded in that. Would I drink this again? Probably not on purpose. Would it be the worst if I did? Not totally.

Overall, I’m giving this drink a 5/10 because it did exactly what it was strongly implied that it would do, but it was horrible like the entire time.

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Natural Light: Catalina Lime Mixer flavor

You knew this was coming. I knew this was coming.

Natty Light is in the seltzer game, baby, and despite not being in college for a solid five years, I decided I had to get a piece of that. There are two flavor offerings currently, Aloha Beach and Catalina Lime Mixer. I decided that if I’m going to review a seltzer version of a college beer, I gotta pick the one that’s a Step Brother’s reference.

So first things first, we have to talk about this product before we even drink it. Something that stands out about it is that, despite most seltzers being in a taller, slim can, this one comes lookin’ like a regular ol’ brewski. I know you’re thinking “Didn’t Natty Light get the memo? Bros will still drink seltzer even in a skinny can.” I mean you’re right, but Natty KNOWS they have a college bro to keep up with. You gotta make it a mystery of what’s in that koozie, dawg. Beer cans are bro cans and Natty clearly wants their seltzer to fit in nicely with the rest of the bro lineup. Guys that drink Natty seltzer don’t smoke Juuls, they either have those incredibly large vapes that you have to hold in your entire fist or some expensive cigars that they smoke exclusively because their grandfather does, no in-between.

Something else that makes this seltzer Very Bro is that it has slightly more alcohol than your typical spiked seltzer. It has 6% ABV, where most seltzers usually have 4-5%. I know Four Loko teased that they might release their own spiked seltzer with a whopping 15% ABV (which, if real, I will try, although I am terrified), but for now Natty Light is wearing the “Most Alcoholic (to my knowledge)” crown.

Now it’s time for the flavor. Oh god the flavor. I’m just gonna be real here, I don’t really like how this seltzer tastes. I’m going to give it credit that there is a LOT of flavor (as opposed to the “essence” of booze fruit many other seltzers have). Unfortunately, the flavor is best described as “a red jolly rancher dissolved in NyQuil.” So, uh, not great. Ugh. I should have bought the peach one. I will say though, that it’s still very drinkable... in like a “not super drinkable” kind of way. Maybe it’s because I’m Not A Bro, but when I drank this seltzer I just kept wishing it was a different seltzer. Maybe I can’t rush Delta Apple Pie this year. Maybe too many of my shirts have sleeves. Maybe I can’t crush it with my bro Kyle at the gym. I just don’t have what it takes for this seltzer.

Anyway, something nice about this product is when I bought it at the liquor store, there was a $10 rebate offer. A case was $12. Hell yeah.*

I’m giving this a 3/10. Sorry bros.

*I submitted for this rebate and was rejected because I didn’t buy $10 of “spirits” with it. Well MAYBE they should have specified that a bunch of Cappriccio Sangrias don’t count as “””””spirits????””””

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Press: Grapefruit Cardamom flavor

Okay, so I’m really into word associations. I understand that’s not an interesting statement in the slightest, but I don’t know, I think it’s fun. Now, what do you think I associate this seltzer with? I’ll give you a hint. I’m a millennial and I do have a Spotify account.

Yes, “Press” by Cardi B. Cardi don’t need no press but I surely do. I need more Press seltzer in my life.

This drink is absolutely light and refreshing. The taste goes down so incredibly smooth that a Santana guitar riff plays in the background every time I take a sip. What is Cardamom’s deal in this drink? Girl idk but it really takes it THERE, you know?

If you’re tired of grapefruit seltzer, I really encourage you to try this one. It’s like a DJ Khaled song with a Cardi B verse. Sure, you’re tired of the main artist, but that feature though??? I’d listen to Grapefruit featuring Cardamom B any day.

Sidenote: why doesn’t Cardi B refer to herself as Cardamom now that she’s a mom? Or even Bardamom, if she wanted to use her typical stylistic wordplay. Just a thought.

I learned that Press seltzer is made in Wisconsin, which means that we have soooooooo much in common. I’m definitely looking forward to more seltzers from this brand.

10/10. 9.7/10 if you’re controlling for “Wisconsin bias.”

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Truly: Sparkling Rosè Flavor

There are two kinds of people: White Claw drinkers and Truly drinkers. Do you get unruly drinking a Truly or do you believe there’s no laws when you’re drinking Claws? Well maybe if you opened your eyes and stopped labeling people, Bethany, you would understand that there’s more than two kinds of people out there and way more brands of seltzer. Some people like a lot of different seltzers! Yes, we exist.

Today we are crossing over into Truly territory. It is a territory I have crossed before, but for your safety, maybe we should hold hands. No? Okay well that’s fine ok I don’t wanna make it weird.

Truly has a good amount of seltzer flavors, probably, but I wouldn’t know because I typically buy the variety pack because I am WHAT? ...noncommittal. But this time around my inner (and outer) white girl couldn’t resist purchasing the Rosè flavor. Seltzer? Rosè? Ugh it’s like all the things I would have loved to drink in college instead of Natty Light and that time I was on a mission to drink every flavor of Mountain Dew mixed with Fleischmann’s vodka (look, I don’t judge YOUR goals).

The Rosè flavor comes in an aesthetically appealing can with rose doodles on it. It is VERY cute. The “Rosè” is written in a tasteful cursive font, similar to a “live laugh love” decal that appears on your one aunt’s Pinterest boards all the time (Aunt Juju? You doing okay, girl?)

The flavor is... interesting. It tastes like a sweet Rose, but not like Rose-ay but like a literal flower. But like a good-tasting flower, not like that time when you were six years old and decided to taste your big sister’s Gap Dream perfume. I enjoyed the flavor of this seltzer, but I don’t think I could drink a bunch of them at a barbecue. I realize now as I’m writing this that maybe that was the point... that this isn’t a seltzer that I just pound on the weekends. It’s a seltzer I sip on Monday nights while watching Bachelor in Paradise (honestly Blake isn’t a bad guy and I still support him, if anyone was wondering).

So thank you, Truly Rosè, for teaching me the greatest life lesson of all... “Maybe stop binge drinking, you dumb bitch.”

8/10

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Bon & Viv: Pear Elderflower flavor

I don’t want to go ahead and make a bold claim, and I understand that I’ve only written three seltzer reviews thus far, but this is the most delicious spiked seltzer I’ve ever had. Hands down. I’m in love. Bonathan and Vivian did THAT.

Come on a journey with me. You’re thirsty after spontaneously dancing to your 90s playlist at your family picnic. You pick the can out of your cooler. Yeah, it came in the variety pack. It has a green rim near the top. You got a can of lime flavor, the least exciting flavor. “Well,” you think to yourself, “at least it’s the most drinkable flavor. Boring as hell, but still spiked seltzer.” You put the can to your lips and are pleasantly delighted. This isn’t the insanely basic lime, it’s a fresh and exciting PEAR ELDERFLOWER.

The flavor is like nothing you’ve experienced before. You don’t even know what the hell an elderflower is, but you feel like you’ve picked a brand new bloom, squeezed the delicious petals of all their juices, and puréed them with a crisp pear. Is this even how it works? It doesn’t matter because you are having a great time consuming this beverage.

I recommend pairing this beverage with a generic 90s club beat with an equally as generic R&B wail played over it.

I’m giving dis bitch a PERFECT 10/10 and would like to express sorrow that I am not drinking one at this exact moment.

[jennas-seltzer-review]

Bon & Viv: Grapefruit flavor

I know what you’re all thinking: “Wow Jenna, two grapefruit flavors in a row? And they’re the only posts on your seltzer blog?” Hey my guy. Calm down. It’s not personal, it’s seltzer. And yes, we’re about to dive into another grapefruit flavor.

This time we got the can with two lady mermaids, Bon & Viv. I like to think one mermaid is named Bon and the other Viv. And they’re both older white ladies who live on the East Coast and it’s also 2013 where everyone was obsessed with mermaids for some reason. Do you ever go to a department store sometimes and see a shirt that says something similar to “It’s a ~mermaid~ thing, you wouldn’t understand” and feel bad for the store buyer who picked up this trend a solid six years too late? Pour one out for those guys.

The first time I’ve had this particular seltzer was in the hot heat of Lollapalooza this year. I was mourning the exclusion of the lobster corn dog when I decided that it was indeed time to start drinking, and it was too early in the day to go for the $30 bottle of rose. No worries though, I did eventually get that $30 bottle, drink it all, and then sway out of rhythm at the Tame Impala set. Even if I do become a brand New Person, don’t worry, because I make the Same Ol’ Mistakes.

The seltzer itself is absolutely refreshing from the first sip. The grapefruit flavor tastes so fresh that I swear it was plucked directly from the tree (grapefruits grow on trees, right?), squeezed, and poured directly into my mouth. It tastes light and would taste best paired with a pasta, fish, or vegetable dish. Would also taste great with any festival fare, such as a corn dog or slice of Spicy Pie. The can is easy to hold and looks great in a koozie, so it’s perfect for holding and watching a set by a band that you only heard on Spotify once or twice so you just kinda do a small two-step during the songs you don’t know until you can go crazy during that ONE song.

Overall, I give these two mermaid ladies’ seltzer effors a solid 9.2/10. I’m excited to try more flavors and see what these mythical women are capable of. Also, I’m thirsty.

[jennas-seltzer-review]

White Claw: Ruby Grapefruit Flavor

This is it baby, the most basic seltzer. I feel since grapefruit is a pretty standard seltzer flavor, this is a good baseline for many future ratings. Think about it. Who dislikes the grapefruit flavor anyway? Those people are weird. Grapefruits are a lot of effort to eat (or maybe I’m just bad at eating them) so having them in a seltzer format is ideal. And this one can help you get drunk! Amazing. If you really want that “fresh grapefruit experience,” you can shake the can and open it near your eyes so a bit of grapefruit-esque water can squirt right into your cornea. Just like a real grapefruit!

White Claw is starting to become the Kleenex of spiked seltzer. I have stared at many a Truly’s or Cape Line and called it a White Claw. Look. People know what a White Claw is. People have no idea what you’re saying when you’re all like “I got the Henry’s in the back.” And like, Smirnoff has them now too? But you can’t just be all like “Have a Smirnoff,” because 1) gross and 2) you have to clarify these days. A Smirnoff what? A Smirnoff Ice? A Smirnoff Mixer? A shot of the extremely delicious yet equally dangerous Smirnoff Red White and Blue? A Smirnoff vodka tampon? Bitch which is it???

Okay okay I’m digressing and I’m digressing hard. Ruby Grapefruit White Claw. Revolutionary. Gone are the days of mixing some shitty vodka with La Croix Pampelmousse and calling it a “health-conscious way of destroying my own liver.” The great prophet Post Malone may have once said “shorty mixing up the vodka with the ‘Lee-Croix’” but I haven’t been shorty since at least 2017.

Oh my god I digressed again. Sorry, team. Okay so Ruby Grapefruit. Let’s start with the can aesthetics. White Claws have a visually appealing white can with a wave logo. The wave is shaped like a claw omfg I just realized that they’re probably called White Claw because big waves are called that maybe in surfer lingo maybe? I live by a Great Lake guys I don’t know shit about surfing. Anyway the can is great, recognizable, and most importantly, fits in all of my koozies. The cans are more tall than thicc, so there’s a little wiggle room in the koozie, but it still perfectly fits in my hand. And it looks cute! You can use that extra koozie room for like, a juul or whatever you dumb kids smoke these days. Do you match your juul flavor to your White Claw? I probably would if I smoked juuls and was extra. But sadly, I am just extra. Also: does anyone over the age of 19 smoke juuls? Like please let me know if you smoke a juul but also have employer-provided health insurance. I’m just curious.

Flavor: THE FLAVOR! Tastes like you bought it straight from the farmer’s market. Delicious. You cannot taste any of the 5% ABV in this bad boy. Look, I’m a big La Croix Pampelmousse aficionado and this hits the alcoholic spot. Tastes fresh as hell. You know where I want to drink this beverage? Let me tell you where I want to drink this beverage:

- at a summer party

- at a sports game

- in my shower

- casual drinking at the bar Tuesday

- absolutely getting hammered at the bar Wednesday

- at some event your mom dragged you to and now you have to talk to strangers who know your mom but not you and it’s like ugh I can’t relate to these people

- church festival

- weddings

- funerals

- in a box

- with a fox

- backseat, windows up

- literally anywhere

Okay fam. In conclusion, shit’s delicious. Put your Claws up, Little Monsters! And I guess, everyone else.

Final rating: 9/10

You thought I was gonna rate this perfectly huh? Well there’s always room for improvement. Not everyone gets a ten, Karen. Tbh, I’ve tried some other seltzers that I like better. I’m gonna get to them. One review at a time.

C.R.E.A.M. - Claws Rule Everything Around Me (oh my god I’m so sorry that’s the whitest thing I’ve ever written)