jennam12310 - Tumblr blog

[jennam12310]

@mouseonamoose can't you be.... both?

Sometimes I have to wonder if I'm a real person, or if I'm a construct designed for the very specific task of putting other people's intellectual property through rigorous therapy.

[jennam12310]

Ooh, i need to play this!

Aww I wanna see all your disco elysco takes

All my DE takes? ALL of them? Well, ho-ho! Let’s do this.

I want to say, though, that I’ve only played through the game three times so far. There’s a lot I still don’t know about it. I’ve also been avoiding a lot of commentary and analyses about it, because I don’t want too many spoilers. This means that my DE takes are half-formed, incomplete, and naive. 

It’s almost impossible to talk about DE without spoilers. This is, after all, a game where even your own name is a spoiler. I’ll be using his name, and I’ll otherwise make references to some key spoilerish stuff below. But I will be trying to avoid explicit spoilers about some important stuff.

There are some central questions that I have buzzing around in my brain about Disco Elysium. Such as:

–What is this game about?

–What is it trying to say?

–Why is it just so goddamn good?

What’s the game about?

So far, the best that I can manage is that it’s exploring this question: what does it mean to move forward, in a world marred by horrors?

Elysium is, most certainly, a world full of horrors. There are historical horrors (civil war, mass killings, etc); there are psychological horrors (waking up in pain, with no memory of your own self; choosing to do X, but having the voices in your head tell you you can’t; wanting to avoid doing X, but being told by the voices in your head that you have no way out of it); and there is cosmic horror (The Pale).

I also find the analogy between Harry and Revachol to be very interesting. Revachol is a city that has been nearly destroyed over and over again; it is a hobbling, poverty-stricken, politically-controlled and under-resourced ghost of its former self. When we meet Harry, he is literally hobbling and penniless. He is out of sorts, confused about his very existence, inhabiting a body that has been ruined by his own abusive substance use. Revachol has previously come perilously close to destroying itself through civil warfare; Harry is in his situation because of just how close he came to completing suicide. There is a reason that Harry, out of all people, can feel the Shivers.

And it’s also interesting how, in the context of the game, “moving forward” is almost entirely a backwards-looking activity. You are trying to solve a murder, after all! That means you ‘win’ when you have gained information about what transpired so that there is a corpse in a tree. This is the same about Harry’s more central task of figuring out who he is: what he has to uncover is who he previously was. The task of the detective, as well as the task of the hungover amnesiac, is to find a way to make sense of the past. 

Contrast that central goal of making sense of the past with all the forces that are trying to define the future, all around you. There’s the strike, there’s Evrart’s slimy dealing-and-wheeling, and there’s Joyce’s unclear potential for influence… Everyone in this game is committed to some future-oriented goal, and they are all slowly moving closer and closer to a willingness to commit great violence in order to achieve that goal.

I find it amazing how successfully DE manages to convey that there are forces outside of your control, that your investigation is only one small fragment of the world. You interact with powerful forces, and you can make choices that radically shift what happens… But you never have control over what happens. And there is never, ever, a clear-cut good choice or bad choice for you to make. Each and every choice you make matters, but you are powerless against the forces of capital and politics.

This game is, very obviously, about politics. Harry’s own politics are central, and the political landscape of Revachol is also key to the story. You cannot understand what is happening in the game, or why any of it matters, if you don’t understand politics.

Just this morning, I watched an analysis of DE – one of very few that I’ve sought out so far. It’s “Heavy Rain vs Disco Elysium - Good & Bad Cop Games,” by uricksaladbar (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vs3-ZYvLPXM). It’s great, and I would recommend it. Uricksaladbar makes some excellent points about how DE operates as a game, and then he also talks about the game’s politics. I’m afraid he doesn’t do as well there. Now, I feel bad about bringing this up, because he admits he doesn’t feel confident about his ability to discuss politics, but I think the specific error he makes is very important.

Uricksaladbar’s analysis of DE’s politics focuses primarily on how DE interacts with political ideologies. And DE does in fact do a lot with political ideologies (the book about communism that you can read through? It’s hilarious). But politics is not just a matter of ideology. Politics, instead, is about the formation and maintenance of power-laden relationships.  DE, over and over again, asks us to think about the nature of power and how it affects our relationships.

This is a game that may as well have ‘ACAB’ written on its cover, and yet it is about two cops, at least one of whom is unerringly attempting to do right and be just. It’s a game about meeting people and ‘can opening’ them until you find ways to help them. It’s a game about powerful people and entities who  either squander opportunities to help those in need or don’t even try in the first place. It’s about being compelled to help, even when you have nothing, and even when the needs of others far outstrip what you have to give. This game so often gives you the opportunity to be violent or to otherwise exert power, and in almost every single case: doing so is the wrong choice. The right choice, almost always, is to talk, to listen, to connect.

Another way, perhaps, to express the central question of Disco Elysium: are you going to actually help, motherfucker?

So, what is it trying to say?

I really don’t know at this point, even though I believe it is very successful at saying what it says. It is about the chance for miracles, explicitly. It’s about confronting horror.  It’s about insanity, or at least the insanity of seeking out miracles in the midst of horror.  It’s about how the way others look at us defines what we ourselves can be. It’s about failing, and failure, and the rising up of hope. 

One of the most important details in the game, I think, is at the very, very end. Harry and [Someone from his past] have confronted each other. There is anger and pain between them, and almost nothing else at this point. And then… that someone reaches out, and he offers Harry a hand, and Harry accepts it. Harry is broken, and bleeding, and he has done irreparable harm to his relationship with this Someone, and yet still there is the opportunity for care. For love. For restoration. 

That moment, to me, feels miraculous. It makes me cry.

I also think, in a way, that the entirety of Elysium might revolve around one specific character: Egghead. Man, do I love Egghead! He’s like a bodhisattva, isn’t he? He knows the true wisdom of HARD CORE, but if you seek him out, he will help you see it as well. This game gives us a half-destroyed church that was built around a hole in the universe, and then it puts Egghead with his anodic dance music in that church. 

The Pale will destroy everything, replacing the tumultuous noise of human life with hostile silence. But there’s Egghead, so endlessly HARD CORE, selflessly keeping up the beat, keeping that silence at bay. 

Why is this game so good?

You know what’s really weird? Up until this point, the name ‘Kim’ hasn’t shown up in what I’ve written. This isn’t because I think Kim is insignificant. Egghead might be the center of the universe in Disco Elysium, but Kim is the center of Harry’s universe, and he’s the center of the game.

The only way to make sense of Disco Elysium as a game, I think, is to treat it as a dating simulator: your ultimate goal, above all else, is to get Kim to like you.

Let me take a moment to make clear my feelings about Lt. Kim Kitsuragi.  Ahem:

OMG KIM. KIM!?!?!? KIM KITSURAGI! AHHHHHH! OMG OMG OMG, KIMMMMM! LOOK AT ME, KIM! LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE PLEASE!!! KIM, YOU’RE SO COOL. YOU ARE. YOR COOOOOL AARGHDSJWSIODFK KIM KIM KIM I CAN’T HANDLE IT KIMMM DID U HEAR THE SONG I SANG FOR YU??? AAARRGHWERHREJKERLJK 

Ahem.

Kim Kitsuragi is a goddamn professional. I have a real soft-spot for goddamn professionals.

But, seriously. Kim is everything in this game. At every moment, he offers compassion, support, and reason. He gives us the capacity to see the good in Harry. It is his gentle kindness that lets us also see Harry gently and kindly. He means everything.

I’m so antsy about this. I don’t have coherent thoughts yet about the role Kim plays in the game and the game’s meaning. But it is vital that Kim is with you, on the island, when [The Thing Happens], and he says those four key words. It’s recognition, and it’s fellow-feeling, and the moment means everything because it is shared. I can’t imagine what [The Thing That Happens] would be like, if Kim weren’t sharing it with us. I know there are ways to get to [The Thing Happening] that involve Kim not being there, but I haven’t experienced them. I don’t know if I ever will, because it is just so hard for me to even imagine selecting an option that would make Kim not trust Harry.

I also am thinking about the famous quote from Kurvitz about why you can’t ever kiss Kim in the game. He says (not exact quote) that you can’t kiss Kim because desire is strongest when it goes unrealized. 

Given your love for Kim, the ending of the game is bittersweet. It is marred by longing. You (erm, ahem, I) want to be able to kiss Kim, or at least hug him, or know that we’re bestest friends. I want so desperately to be able to play more than one game of suzerainty with him. I want more Kim than the game is willing to give, and so… I end Disco Elysium with that deep, deep sense of longing.

I think that’s central to the game, really–that unrealizable longing. It is, ultimately, how I suspect the game wants us to feel about Revachol, about the promise for a better future, about the memory of revolutionary dreams from the distancing past. Another central character I haven’t mentioned yet: The Deserter. I have a lot of thoughts about him, naturally. He is like the Anti-Kim, to an extent, isn’t he?

Everyone in Disco Elysium longs for something that is not, or cannot be, or was and will never return. Everyone aches from heartbreak, especially the heartbreak from political travesty.

I… I don’t know. I just don’t know. This game, man…. This. Game. Wowza. Yowza. Hard core to the maxxxx. Disco, baby.

[jennam12310]

I am about to open and read it. I am both excited and sad it is the last chapter.

omg it’s FAN FICTION FRIDAY

Reblog and promote a fic of yours <3

[jennam12310]

@mouseonamoose i think about Angel-Centered every other day. I like it that we read it slowly, bit by bit, but i have so many thoughts about how it might end. Will you tell us?

Everyone has been so remarkable supportive as I've taken ages to finish up Angel-Centered, being careful never to push or pressure me to finish up. It's meant so much to me! There were some times when that unpressured support was what I needed.

Now, though, given where I am, I think I could use some gentle pushing. Help me get too the end of this last lap.

[jennam12310]

Haha, this is funny, but i have nothing to tell 21 year old me. He was doing just fine, and she needed all this experience. I wish they accepted their non-binary nature back then though.

What advice would you give 21 year old you?

Everything changes beyond absolute recognition

[jennam12310]

This is awesome!

catch me monching on @chernozemm's cottage wives like an everlasting gobstopper

[jennam12310]

Hi, how is your day?

The Great Boop really made me want to be more active and interactive here on Tumblr. I'm going to try to be more of a person here, although I have no idea if I'll be successful.

Hi, everyone!

[jennam12310]

Oh. My. God. This. This is exactly how this book should look like. I want it!

Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach, a Good Omens fanfic by @mouseonamoose

After surviving the events of the apocalypse, Anthony J. Crowley goes to therapy. This fic is a well-researched and rich depiction of trauma therapy from the perspective of the mental health provider.

Bound in premium cotton from Worldcloth decorated with silver hot stamp foil and a hand painted foreedge. Frontispiece artwork generously provided by @rjrjrjrjrjrjrjrj. To enhance the reading experience, the typeset of this book was further annotated with additional commentary on the psychotherapeutic process (see footnote example.)

This book was bound and gifted to a fellow clinician in a different medical field as part of the @renegadeguild Mini Exchange, 2024.

[jennam12310]

Thank you. I did not know i needed to hear this

hi nnm! i didn't send the previous ask about post-s2 fic in the demonology universe, but i would genuinely LOVE to see how you imagine crowley processing the events of the final fifteen in session with aubrey. the way he gradually processed the bookshop fire in demonology was really moving, so i can't imagine how demonology!crowley would begin to approach his feelings about aziraphale leaving for heaven at the end of s2, especially because he doesn't have all the answers! i do want to echo the previous anon in expressing my hopes that this isn't coming across as pushy, rather enthusiastic instead. i'm thankful that you choose to share your writing with us! have a lovely weekend!

Yes, I agree! I would love to do this, too. I've been toying with different ways it could go, depending on how we interpret the final 15 and what we anticipate Crowley will be doing at the start of S3. There's just so much we don't know. And I want you to know just how much this grinds at me.

But here's one thing.

I think that Crowley is actually in a better psychological state at the end of S2 than at the beginning.

What is Crowley doing when we first encounter him in S2? He's sitting on a bench, sighing about how pointless everything is. He looks depressed, and it makes sense. He doesn't have anything to do, and Crowley doesn't do well when he doesn't have anything to do. Even worse: he no longer has access to the motivations that previously inspired him to do things. He doesn't have to try to outsmart Hell anymore; he doesn't have to work against the forces of both Good and Evil to establish his own, personal 'side'. He has everything he has ever been able to admit to understand himself as wanting, and it's making him miserable.

By the time that Crowley gets up from the bench in that first scene, he is a lot more animated, a lot less despondent. And, note, there are two things that have happened that can explain this: 1) He has learned that there is Something Going Down In The Up, which of course could imply that he and Aziraphale may be at risk; 2) He sees some guys feeding ducks bread. This is why Crowley manages to shake off that mopey attitude by the time he stands up: both of these are sources of friction. They give him something to act against. Now, he gets to yell at two guys that they're doing something bad--er, wrong--er, harmful-to-ducks. He gets to plot and spy and scheme to learn what's going on in Heaven, despite the fact that clearly the forces involved don't want anyone to know.

Put Crowley in a frictionless environment, filled with endless possibilities and no limits, and watch him just slump down into a puddle of What'sThePoint. Give him friction, though--tell him there's something he can't do, give him a threat to fight against, put him in front of something stupid and wrong--and he comes alive.

It's almost as if, Crowley... Almost as if, uh... By his very nature... I mean... Well, it's almost as if there's something adversarial about him, huh?

In order for Crowley and Aziraphale to get their Happily Ever After, Crowley needs to learn how to act from internal motivation. (Know how he's "always too late"? Yeah, that's what happens when you don't know how to be active but only ever reactive.) After S1, we all liked imagining the two of them retiring to the South Downs and taking up hobbies and being happy... But, am I wrong, or did we all realize that wasn't really possible yet, given how we know both of them to function? The Crowley at the end of S1 and the start of S2 just isn't someone you can imagine actually doing it. Something has to change, in S3, for it to become possible.

This is my take on Crowley, at least: his biggest enemy is boredom. He doesn't know how to avoid it, though, unless there's an externality forcing him to act.

S2 begins with Crowley having nothing to do, and he's miserable and irritable and depressed. S2 ends with Crowley in emotional turmoil, yes, but now he's got plenty of external friction to motivate him. He's got to protect Aziraphale despite Aziraphale now making it so much harder to do, and he's got a Second Coming to stop. This isn't a demon who's at risk of self-harm, or a demon we can imagine is driving off to go take a decades-long nap somewhere. No, what we see at the end of S2 is a demon on a mission. (What is it? What is that mission? Argh, how are we supposed to survive until S3?)

If Crowley hadn't been there, outside the bookshop, when Aziraphale and the Metreon came out, then that would be a different story. I would be absolutely terrified for him, in that case, because I would take that to mean that he's given up. He's stopped fighting against The Plan, he's lost the will to struggle. But, no: he's there. He hasn't given up. He's scheming, and he's planning. Sure, he's boiling with rage and pain and plenty of other hard things, but that's the sort of environment where he knows how to thrive.

Does he need therapy at the end of S2? Oh yes. Oh hell yes. But he's functioning how he knows best how to function, and he's got plenty of motivation to keep going.

[jennam12310]

Hm... maybe i need to look at it more attentively

Hey, uh... I don't actually talk about fandom stuff all that much (unless it involves me 😏), but, uh...

Factory Settings is, like, really really good. You should read it.

[jennam12310]

@mouseonamoose Why, did people ever say bad things about your work? Seriously?

Turns out, you can get people to say very nice things about you and your writing if you disappear for a long time in the middle of a project.

Lesson learned!

[jennam12310]

If there is any natural light in the bathroom, the tree will love the humidity level and grow like hell! I saw a lemon tree in a bathroom before, of a house far in the north and it was doing perfect and providing the family with fresh lemons. So, a lime tree in the bathroom makes sense.

can you come back to earth faster? i think you need to talk my parents about citrus trees in the bathroom

i dont know their motives

Why do you have a bathroom lime tree?? To grow piss limes???

[jennam12310]

I

(Human) Crowley’s eyes in “What We Make of It (Shotgun Wedding)” by @charlottemadison42

[jennam12310]

Well, much more than a couple, i daresay! You wrote a best known fic of all time in this fandom!

[jennam12310]

So true!

"fanfics can never compare in quality to a published work" honey, there are fanfics that easily surpass the quality of the work they were based on

--

[jennam12310]

Based on Nnm's Angel-Centered Therapy Through A Multicultural Lens: An Integrative Approach @mouseonamoose (this scene is in chapter 14)

[jennam12310]

me seeing the word "demonology" in my psychology textbook