jefphillipsblog

[jefphillipsblog]

What the hell is up, bitches?

Chapter One.

This being my flagship post, I'm not sure that the use of profanity is permitted, so until I'm informed on this subject, you can and should expect more of it. Probably a lot more.

Ok, so...I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Jef. Alright, well, that shit was easy. Later, fuckers!

Nah, I can't go yet. I have some shit to talk to y'all about, so let's get on with it.

While anyone is welcome and encouraged to read this thing I'm writing, it will most likely be more tuned to the male demographic because that's what I know. You see, that is because I am one of those members in the male demographic and since I will not claim to know what the opposite sex really think about when it comes to the subject matter we'll be talking about, because that would be dishonest and unfair to those members of the opposite sex and it would also be unfair to the members of the male demographic that chooses to take some time to live vicariously through my own experiences and thoughts. So I'm just not gonna go there.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a member of the medical community in any way, shape or form. I do not hold any license, I am not a therapist or counselor. The information that will be presented here is based mostly from my own personal experiences and from articles and or other sources of information that I will gladly site if any specific content is taken from them.

This content is also based on my opinions and observations and is certainly not intended to harm, offend, diagnose, treat or cure any type of condition. You should consult with your own medical professional for that shit.

Ok. I think I've hopefully covered what I need to to cover my ass, so where were we? Oh yes. I've introduced myself, told everyone about which audience I will be speaking to the most and also made it clear that anyone can read this and I hope they do.

A little about my situation that has given me the inspiration to talk to people that are going through a separation, divorce or maybe you think your significant other may not be telling you the whole truth about their new friend from work. I'll explain more about that myth at some point in this thing.

I met the woman I would eventually get married to at a local bar in the basement of an old building in the city where we lived in 1996. We read our own written promises to each other in the summer of 2001.

My dissolution of marriage was finalized in the fall of 2020.

Do the math. It's a long fucking time. Despite what we usually hear a lot of people say, I loved being married. My wife and I got along for the most part, we certainly didn't have the perfect, fairy tale marriage and we brought three of the most amazing humans into this world to hopefully somehow make it and someone's life just a little better and we did have some really beautiful times together.

I loved her dearly. And I think for the most part, she loved me, too.

But as with anything that is not cared for, maintained, given a tune up every 8,000 miles or 2 to 3 years or so, a relationship will begin to show the effects of wear and tear and it will give you PLENTY of hints and signs that something in it needs a little more attention.

It's like the first few drops of oil you notice when changing the oil in your car. You see that it's beginning to leak a little, but really not enough to cause any real problems so you tell yourself that you'll just keep your eye on it and you'll take care of it before it gets really bad. This is where it starts to feel a little less enjoyable because in the back of your mind, you keep thinking about that small leak that has gotten a little bigger since you looked at it the last time. The one you keep telling yourself that you're going to fix the next time you're under the hood.

This is where a lot of people are thinking to themselves,"What signs? I don't or didn't see ANY fucking signs that there were things that need a little special attention. It was great one day and then out of nowhere it's like being in a living hell."

Ok, ok. I'm going to have to say this and if you take any offense to it then it definitely applies to you. So maybe you should write this down and use it as a reference later on.

A marriage that is going great, will not and cannot go from great to fucking miserable out of nowhere. Sorry to burst your fucking bubble but it ain't gonna happen.

It will seem and feel like it has, but that's because you OR your significant other,( we'll call them the "S.O.") we have to be fair here, has failed miserably at being aware of what is going on under the surface of their great marriage.

Now, I will also say that this might not always be your fault, either. If your S.O. has a difficult time telling you what is happening inside their heads and hearts or is vague and isn't very specific, or just don't trust themselves or you that neither of you will pull up stakes and haul ass out of there, then that's when it's on you to look for and read the signs that are always there, most of the time they aren't very hard to miss if you're even remotely paying attention. Other times you can go about your day, oblivious to what is right in front of your face.

And your S.O. is also responsible for doing this if you are the one that has a hard time talking about what you are thinking about or how you are feeling about the relationship. You absolutely must check in every once in a while.

In my situation, it was a lot of all of that. And we were both guilty of not checking in with each other. We just thought that if the other was feeling something different then they would tell us or that we'd be able to see it and we would talk about it then. Right.

Guys if I can give you just one single piece of advice that will have the greatest impact on your relationship, it will be this:

"FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING!"

People say that in order to have a long and happy marriage you just have to communicate.

I say bullshit. Yes communicating is important. But if you don't know what you need to be communicating about, because you're not paying attention, then communicating is not going to give you that long and happy marriage. It WILL give you long nights on the couch or in the spare room spent staring up at the ceiling asking yourself over and over again,"what the fuck did I do THIS time?"

It WILL make you walk around like you have done something terrible and you're hoping you don't get busted, but you really haven't but it sure feels like it. It WILL make you second guess everything you do and say or what you think you might have said or might have done that has brought the slightly elevated tension that you can smell and feel from the mailbox by the street in front of your neighbor's house straight into your living room and is sitting on the couch like the proverbial elephant in the room.

I'm going to stop here. I want you to take some time to digest what I've said so far.

I want you to really think about and look at your relationship. Go through your daily routine (that's a really important word right there, hope you picked up on that) and your S.O.'s routine and see if there is something, it could be anything, that isn't quite the same as it was even just a month or three months ago.

Are there any new behaviours that either of you have started doing that you haven't really noticed or thought weren't really major or has caused a wrinkle in the daily goings on.

I really want you to pay very close attention to phone habits. Both yours and theirs. You'll see what I'm talking about when you start looking a little closer.

So, fuckers, hope you took really good notes because there WILL be a short quiz at the end of this chapter.

In chapter two we'll talk about, hell, I don't really know what we'll talk about. But it will be something you need to know.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Good night.

Jef