jeanie11990

[jeanie11990]

Even when you're gone I feel you close.

You'll always be the one I love the most.

[jeanie11990]

RYAN GOSLING THE GRAY MAN (2022)

[jeanie11990]

You Have Too Much Heart, Kid.

I haven’t felt this anxious in a while; my heart constantly trying to calm down; my head constantly replaying situations or giving me butterflies just thinking about the future or what I need to do. 

I feel like the butt of an ugly joke. I feel like I’ve been used and instead of standing up for myself, instead of talking about it to who really is on my mind - I just walk away. Maybe this is my problem. I used to stand tall all the time; no matter who the person was. But I melt when I’m around you.. my heart races.. i can’t breathe or think or say the right things. 

I feel like I’m not myself because I’m so lost in being around you that it paralyzes my mind. I wish I could be myself around you, I wish I didn’t get so nervous or anxious or sad or just so fucking overwhelmed at how much I like you and think straight. 

If this is what liking someone feels like - I don’t wanna. 

[jeanie11990]

“When was the last time anyone ever told you how important you are?”

— Maya Angelou

[jeanie11990]

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

— William C. Hannan

[jeanie11990]

“Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve.”

— Unknown

[jeanie11990]

[jeanie11990]

“I choose you over everyone.”

— Rainbow Rowell

[jeanie11990]

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”

— William Faulkner

[jeanie11990]

― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

[text ID: I mustn't look at you too much, or I won't be able to take my eyes off you at all.]

[jeanie11990]

“I wonder if someone has ever thought of me so much at night that they couldn’t sleep.”

— Unknown

[jeanie11990]

—On Love, Marina Tsvetaeva

[text ID: I just want a humble, murderously simple thing: that a person be glad when I walk into the room.]

[jeanie11990]

Frustration

I find myself picking myself up more times than I’d ever like to count. I’ve seen glimpses of the past in my dreams, glimpses of my old life through a small window that looks at all I had. I wonder if I squandered those times; I wonder if I made the right choice all the time. Consistency and passion are things I miss the most... a love that just didn’t quit. 

I’m struggling to find a way to keep my head up, a way to not see the dark in all the things going on around me, or a way to still hope that I will find someone who won’t give up on me. I am hard to love; Joe was always right about that. I’m indecisive, impulsive, depressed, anxious, rowdy, and unpredictable. I keep telling myself that the more I work on myself, the more I do to make myself grounded (have my own place, make my way in my own career, keep trying to ride and push the female community to grow) - that someone will see that some day and find that I’m the one they’ve been looking for all this time. 

I wish it didn’t have to be that way; I wish I didn’t have to feel like I needed to try so fucking hard for these half assed men out here that only want me for a week and decide I’m too much of a struggle to be around. 

I wish I wasn’t; I wish I had better qualities to make someone want to stay instead of feeling so inadequate in my own mind and in theirs. I want to swim so badly but I feel like I’m always drowning in my head. I keep a lot inside and the minimal times I finally break down; the ones who are around when it happens can’t understand why. I’m fine.. just carry on like you know you will. 

[jeanie11990]

[jeanie11990]

[jeanie11990]