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I’m happy I answered this phone call. Ended up being my therapy case worker. Glad I answered because I’m gonna start therapy again. Hopefully soon. In person. Means I have to deal with things. Hopefully. Just sucks when I open up they all day the same thing:

“You’re doing great. You know what you’re doing. You have amazing sense of self.” And as much as I appreciate it it makes me feel confused. Like if I know what I’m doing why can’t I handle it when it happens. Why do I shut down. Why do I push everyone away. Why do I wanna be alone?

I think no one actually knows the answer to that. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

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I need to run. I need to workout. That’s the only time I could just be and run and focus on running and nothing else

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I’m still high and I don’t wanna feel it anymore. I do feel present. I feel like my body is just walking in circles while my mind is miles and miles away from here

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I did my hair today.. to feel better about myself. I get on that scale and I see the same number but I feel so big and ugly. More than I have my whole postpartum. I’m confused. I feel like I feel and look better but why do I not see it. I like something then I immediately notice the other insecurities right away. Like yay my hair is getting longer but I still need to loose this belly fat. Dang my butt look good to damn I can hold my lunja. I feel so tense. My head hurts. My forehead feels bruised. What’s is going on?

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I feel like my tias been ignoring me or something. But I’m trying to not let it get to me hachar maybe she’s going through something. She must be hurting. Hopefully. Happy birthday to her.

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2nd day medicated and yeah, it’s not me. I’m paranoid and my mind is spinning. The irony is that’s why I wanted it to work. To mellow me out. To relax and my feet are hurting me right now from all the running around I’ve been doing. It’s worse. I’m focusing on every. Single. Thing/idea/feeling that comes to mind. I feel like I’m getting on Ruben’s nerves even more too. Like I feel obnoxious to him. The exact opposite of what I’m trying to be. I’m trying to feel closer to him and I didn’t wanna tell him I’ve been medicated because I wanted to find out on my own if it really does help me. Maybe it’s the environment??? I know being a mom is 24/7 but I need a break and idk how to have one. What to do for my soul to skip a beat. And when I’m not with my baby. I’m fucken sad because I miss him a lot. Make it make sense

4:59p 3/16

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Should I keep it going??? I feel so much lighter and free. Dancing to my favorite songs in the kitchen cooking. For the trust time is a year

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Wow, been medicated since 1p and I feel gooooood. Never been this medicated for so long.

I feel a difference honestly but… we’ll see

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Why do I say— why do I feel like I hate my life?

Why does my mind go straight there instead of “it’s gonna be okay”. I literally feel like I kill my self every time I say or feel that way. And I hav two pick up the pieces. Or expect Ruben to fix it. I push the people (my kids) that love ME the most away when I get like this. How can I be so unhappy??? I can tell you what gives my life meaning. But why do I still feel this way? Even at my happiest moments there was still that 1% of unhappiness I still carried with me.

I took a hit of my cake bar. Mellowed my mind a little bit. I slowed down. I dances with Anthony. I held him. I took a shower. Tried cleaning as much as I could. He didn’t nap. Running mate to get my kids but I’m excited to see them. I wasn’t very nice this morning.. just feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that today is my ONLY day off. Only day I can relax and God knows I don’t relax till my second day off and I only get one… oh man haha.

I’m still feeling a little bit high and relaxed. Apart hates that I feel like medicating is good for me. But I’m literally at a braking point to help myself be a better person sometimes. I need to get closer to God. Feel like I’ll stop hating my life if I just thank Him instead.

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Notice every morning the first thing I do is complain. Complain that I’m waking up. Complain that I’m tired. Complain that we still don’t have a car. Complain that Ruben’s tired. Complain, complain, complain.

Why?

This morning I noticed it, and said “Stop. Thank God first.” And I did. I said

“You know what God, thank you. Even though we have no car we still wake up everyday to get a ride to work. I might’ve exhausted but at least we’re working”

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I get so defeated all the time. As strong as I am, I’m just as weak

Ruben told me yesterday

“Baby you gotta find God because you’re right walking alone right now.”

And he’s there for me, always will be. There holding my hand but he’s right. I feel lost on the inside.

I have my beautiful absolutely beautiful kids that make my day as much as they drive me crazy. My husband. I got a whole list on why he was meant to be my husband. And as much as he teachings me and talks to me I gotta find it. I have to open myself to allow Him in. I have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for wanting to leave Ruben. Forgive myself for picturing my life with anyone else. That wasn’t me.. I was just so broken and wanted anyone else to fix me. Wrong. I was so wrong. I broke my kids hearts. I never thought I’d do that. As much as I regret it, I don’t also. I needed to let it out. I never felt heard so once I did all that I was finally listened too. I didn’t care about anyone else’s opinions. I felt free. And there’s some wrong in that. But it changed Ruben. For the better. Opened his eyes but caused mine to bleed.. the other day he said. I felt like I couldn’t get close to God because I cheated on you… what’s my reason why I can’t hear or feel you anymore? When Ruben left I felt You. You showed me my way. You showed me the truth. You fixed my heart. But now I caused that pain to Ruben and I can’t feel You anymore. Or I’m I not listening…?

I see Ruben elevating. And it’s beautiful but he’s so far away from me. I’m afraid he’ll leave me behind. He’s with you and I’m not. He reminds me to have faith and trust You. But I don’t. Why? I question Ruben’s every move. Because he straight up left me. I guess the same way I did.. but he trusts me…? Why is so much harder for me. I’m so much stronger than this.

I have a headache. God you hear me right. You hear that I’m calling for You. Help me. Help me help myself.

Taking a deep breathe and todays a new day. I’m gonna try not to complain because my life is falling apart. But it all can be fixed. It all can be fixed.

Maybe there’s a reason why I always wanna talk to you about something. How I threw myself to men when I decided I don’t want you anymore. That wasn’t who I am. I was just desperate to not love Ruben anymore and I thought that was the only way. But God didn’t let doors open because he knew what was behind it wasn’t for me. For my life. And I think about that everyday. So why can’t I feel you anymore? Is it because I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I hate that we ruined CA. I did. Ruben because he didn’t care to keep me and I because I just gave up… I always wonder if that didn’t happen how our life would be..? But I got my mom back because I moved back. If I didn’t move back and know I would still not be talking to her? So.. you see the good and the bad in each. But that’s the past now.

Just wanna move forward with you God

I’m sorry I complain a lot…

Amen.

❥ jys

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40 days out of the 365

This past week has been something else.

I’ve been wanting to type but it’s been a week alright. I feel so bad that I didn’t put my faith in Ruben more. I have to, he proves me wrong in the best way. I think it all the time how blessed I am to have him. I thank God he’s my husband and we’re gonna be together forever..

I have so much I wanna write but I forgot already lol

Anyways? I need to get consistent when it comes to my emotions. Write as soon as I feel it to release it.

Just wanna take a moment to thank God. Thank you for blessing me.

“I take no L’s without lessons, and I get my W’s with blessings”

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New blog, new year, new chapter, same depression, same anxiety, better love, better me, still wouldn’t trade it for anything